Question about behavior at AA meetings
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 276
I have asked him what's going on, repeatedly, and the answer is always something completely ******* & implausible. For example...
Last time he told me he was "going to a meeting", he then said he was going to "meet up with this guy C. there & see if he had his phone" (he had supposedly lost said phone whilst helping C. 'move furniture' during another of his overnight disappearances).
When he finally returned from said meeting/C's place, it was at 4am, & his excuse for taking that long was that he "had to search all over for his phone & when he finally found it, it was under C's house by a water main".
Anyone else want to weigh in on whether or not they buy that?
Last time he told me he was "going to a meeting", he then said he was going to "meet up with this guy C. there & see if he had his phone" (he had supposedly lost said phone whilst helping C. 'move furniture' during another of his overnight disappearances).
When he finally returned from said meeting/C's place, it was at 4am, & his excuse for taking that long was that he "had to search all over for his phone & when he finally found it, it was under C's house by a water main".
Anyone else want to weigh in on whether or not they buy that?
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by mnh1982 
When he finally returned from said meeting/C's place, it was at 4am, & his excuse for taking that long was that he "had to search all over for his phone & when he finally found it, it was under C's house by a water main".
Anyone else want to weigh in on whether or not they buy that?
Anyone else want to weigh in on whether or not they buy that?
The man replied "I dropped my car keys while opening the car door".
The cop answered "I don't see any cars around here".
The drunk replied "I know that... but the light is better here under the street light".
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 3,293
Originally Posted by mnh1982
I have asked him what's going on, repeatedly, and the answer is always something completely ******* & implausible. For example...
Last time he told me he was "going to a meeting", he then said he was going to "meet up with this guy C. there & see if he had his phone" (he had supposedly lost said phone whilst helping C. 'move furniture' during another of his overnight disappearances).
When he finally returned from said meeting/C's place, it was at 4am, & his excuse for taking that long was that he "had to search all over for his phone & when he finally found it, it was under C's house by a water main".
Anyone else want to weigh in on whether or not they buy that?
Last time he told me he was "going to a meeting", he then said he was going to "meet up with this guy C. there & see if he had his phone" (he had supposedly lost said phone whilst helping C. 'move furniture' during another of his overnight disappearances).
When he finally returned from said meeting/C's place, it was at 4am, & his excuse for taking that long was that he "had to search all over for his phone & when he finally found it, it was under C's house by a water main".
Anyone else want to weigh in on whether or not they buy that?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
I don't think we or you can fairly evaluate your man's excuses.
What is important is that he is doing a behavior which requires those excuses in the first place.
If it is unacceptable that you husband stay out until the wee hours, then that is unacceptable, whether it is because he is sitting in an all-night diner drinking coffee and talking about recovery or he's hitting the crack pipe behind the strip club...
If you are in a partnership with someone, and they are staying out all night repeatedly, then something is terribly wrong. It is not your job to police the behaviors of your partner (I personally would not attend an AA meeting with a partner or drive to see if their car was in a parking lot - if the trust is that eroded, the whole partnership just doesn't make sense!!). What is your job is to decide and hold your personal boundaries.
What I would do (and this is just me...): I would tell him that the issue isn't what he's doing while he's out. The issue is that he is staying out late and making me worry, and this is uncomfortable for me and isn't working. If he stays out past **o'clock again (whatever edge is your boundary), then I no longer want to be in this relationship. I need to trust. I need to not worry. Especially with all the drama that has already passed, I need to feel like we are moving towards peace and trust. And so on...
I don't want a partner who lies to me. Bam. That's my boundary.
With people we love, sometimes we allow a single "special circumstance" to soften a boundary's edge once. Maybe even twice. But it sounds to me like this is happening on a regular basis!
Your #1 task is to decide what life YOU want to live and then make it happen! What he does is not really relevant. If you don't like living in this relationship, you may need to leave the relationship. Personally, I expect someone who loves me to be considerate of my time and worry, check in when they're going to be late, and keep their promises...
What is important is that he is doing a behavior which requires those excuses in the first place.
If it is unacceptable that you husband stay out until the wee hours, then that is unacceptable, whether it is because he is sitting in an all-night diner drinking coffee and talking about recovery or he's hitting the crack pipe behind the strip club...
If you are in a partnership with someone, and they are staying out all night repeatedly, then something is terribly wrong. It is not your job to police the behaviors of your partner (I personally would not attend an AA meeting with a partner or drive to see if their car was in a parking lot - if the trust is that eroded, the whole partnership just doesn't make sense!!). What is your job is to decide and hold your personal boundaries.
What I would do (and this is just me...): I would tell him that the issue isn't what he's doing while he's out. The issue is that he is staying out late and making me worry, and this is uncomfortable for me and isn't working. If he stays out past **o'clock again (whatever edge is your boundary), then I no longer want to be in this relationship. I need to trust. I need to not worry. Especially with all the drama that has already passed, I need to feel like we are moving towards peace and trust. And so on...
I don't want a partner who lies to me. Bam. That's my boundary.
With people we love, sometimes we allow a single "special circumstance" to soften a boundary's edge once. Maybe even twice. But it sounds to me like this is happening on a regular basis!
Your #1 task is to decide what life YOU want to live and then make it happen! What he does is not really relevant. If you don't like living in this relationship, you may need to leave the relationship. Personally, I expect someone who loves me to be considerate of my time and worry, check in when they're going to be late, and keep their promises...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 276
Wanna know what his excuse is for being so violently ill after being out until 5am Monday to Tuesday of this week?
Wait for it.
"I ate a can of salmon I found in the trunk of your car & it gave me food poisoning."
True story.
Wait for it.
"I ate a can of salmon I found in the trunk of your car & it gave me food poisoning."
True story.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: london uk
Posts: 261
As entertaining as that is, red flags are going up all over the castle
I've acted out similar behaviours.. Wish I had been brought into line sooner as I proundly regret some past actions ( even where I wasn't caught out)
Good luck
I've acted out similar behaviours.. Wish I had been brought into line sooner as I proundly regret some past actions ( even where I wasn't caught out)
Good luck
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 67
Originally Posted by mnh1982
Wanna know what his excuse is for being so violently ill after being out until 5am Monday to Tuesday of this week?
Wait for it.
"I ate a can of salmon I found in the trunk of your car & it gave me food poisoning."
True story.
Wait for it.
"I ate a can of salmon I found in the trunk of your car & it gave me food poisoning."
True story.
Sorry, but he's using and/or cheating. He is not at a diner, helping people move, or eating salmon until 4am. I say this for sure because I am a former liar and drinker. The excuses are the same kind of BS I used to make up.
Also I am sorry, I know it hurts.
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