Why?!
July 4, 2014
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 97
Why?!
All I have right now is a fuzzy head and a massive amount of guilt. I thought of posting this sooner, but just let myself process and wake up.
I drank yesterday. Why?! With all my recent understandings... Did I let my guard down? Saint Patrick's day,of course, and my addicted brain convinced me to "have one, why not? You're Irish."
I feel so very foolish and so very alone. I feel so embarrassed admitting this to you all.
I found an AA meeting time/location that works. I am going to go -- I have to. What I've been trying is working, then it fades, my resolve weakens and any excuse is usable.
I used to feel upset because my days sober were wrecked; I couldn't say "yes, I have x-number of days without drinking." That felt so good. Now, I don't even think about that, I just want to understand WHY!
I admire your strength, all of you! I pray that one day I'll have just a fraction of it!
I drank yesterday. Why?! With all my recent understandings... Did I let my guard down? Saint Patrick's day,of course, and my addicted brain convinced me to "have one, why not? You're Irish."
I feel so very foolish and so very alone. I feel so embarrassed admitting this to you all.
I found an AA meeting time/location that works. I am going to go -- I have to. What I've been trying is working, then it fades, my resolve weakens and any excuse is usable.
I used to feel upset because my days sober were wrecked; I couldn't say "yes, I have x-number of days without drinking." That felt so good. Now, I don't even think about that, I just want to understand WHY!
I admire your strength, all of you! I pray that one day I'll have just a fraction of it!
I can't keep doing this to myself...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
and my addicted brain convinced me to "have one, why not? You're Irish."
your AV will come up with ANYTHING to get you to drink I swear mine will even try to create circumstances where i'll get setup for a drink. For example why not over extend yoursel you can handle it you got his the voice may say then when i fall and feel terrible the voice is like oh its alright how about a drink?
its slick it'll come up with a way to try and trick you.
the easy solution there is never a reason to drink PERIOD.
I remmeber my first st pattys day same thing oh your irish a guiness and a harp would go down so nice on such a day etc... yeah i wasnt falling for it!
July 4, 2014
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 97
It is a sneaky lil bastard indeed. What's horrifying is that it gets the upper hand; I fancy myself a bit of an intellect and rather intelligent, but some how it out smarts me. It finds ways to use the tools I've developed to work in its advantage.
I had this idea last night that I was just going to chop up my ID (I still get carded)... But then what? Walking around sans papier? That could be problematic.
I'm going to try AA. I haven't tried this yet, but it might be time.
Thank you all for your words.
I had this idea last night that I was just going to chop up my ID (I still get carded)... But then what? Walking around sans papier? That could be problematic.
I'm going to try AA. I haven't tried this yet, but it might be time.
Thank you all for your words.
Originally Posted by zjw 
sneaky little bastard isnt it!
your AV will come up with ANYTHING to get you to drink I swear mine will even try to create circumstances where i'll get setup for a drink. For example why not over extend yoursel you can handle it you got his the voice may say then when i fall and feel terrible the voice is like oh its alright how about a drink?
its slick it'll come up with a way to try and trick you.
the easy solution there is never a reason to drink PERIOD.
I remmeber my first st pattys day same thing oh your irish a guiness and a harp would go down so nice on such a day etc... yeah i wasnt falling for it!
your AV will come up with ANYTHING to get you to drink I swear mine will even try to create circumstances where i'll get setup for a drink. For example why not over extend yoursel you can handle it you got his the voice may say then when i fall and feel terrible the voice is like oh its alright how about a drink?
its slick it'll come up with a way to try and trick you.
the easy solution there is never a reason to drink PERIOD.
I remmeber my first st pattys day same thing oh your irish a guiness and a harp would go down so nice on such a day etc... yeah i wasnt falling for it!
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Sounds like you learned something valuable inthekey - I had to have those excruciating lessons too. I finally accepted the fact that it was never going to be fun again - and there'd never be any control. All it brought me was misery and grief. We know you're going to do this! 
July 4, 2014
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 97
Originally Posted by Hevyn
Sounds like you learned something valuable inthekey - I had to have those excruciating lessons too. I finally accepted the fact that it was never going to be fun again - and there'd never be any control. All it brought me was misery and grief. We know you're going to do this!
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