The making of an addict
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The making of an addict
I know I'm not the first person to propose this idea but I agree a lot with the role of shame/guilt in the development of addiction. As I look back, I can see connecting pieces that shaped my addictive behaviors/thinking/way of operating in the world.
I think I've been running from chronic guilt/shame since I can remember. When I was a child, I noticed a heavy degree of uneasiness, sort of a dread sinking feeling that I now look back on and can register as shame and guilt.
I think there were many factors involved in my high degree of internal shame.
-Generational issues passed down from my parents ( each had unresolved shame/guilt) that I think I absorbed. It's taken me a long time to realize that the disappointment my father projects onto me is a reflection on how he really feels about himself.
-Perfectionist tendencies (always setting the bar a bit too high, never feeling good enough, feeling like I was starting "behind" everyone else and had to catch up just to be ok)
-Temperament and modeling
-Some genetics
-Environmental stressors (many deaths of loved ones in a short amount of time)
-My father's untreated severe clinical depression. I think as children if something is going on with our parents, we internalize this and sometimes think we are to blame. I just thought if I could be perfect that my dad would feel better. I also learned later that he was dealing with a raining gambling addiction.
This leads to my next thought:
The ghost of addiction in the house. I think kids are highly perceptive and pick-up on extra stuff going on in the home. I remember sensing something was really going on with my dad, but I couldn't put my finger on it. There always seemed to be this unresolved, amorphous dread like tension in the home. Like a ghost that just won't leave.
Only after dealing with my own addiction issues (eating disorder, alcohol) can I clearly recognize the entity of addiction. As I look back, that was our fifth family member that lived in the home with us. It was so confusing and so much like a ghost because I could sense something but couldn't name it. At the time, this was very very invalidating as I kind of felt a bit crazy/that I was making things up.
As I've been working through sobriety, these pieces that have shaped my addictive tendencies have become clear.
Something that has reared up again recently is the shame and guilt piece. I'm noticing it a lot recently. Nagging, whispering, pointing out what I am not doing. It is so persuasive that sometimes I give into it. Recently, it has been guilting me about not being a better friend. I know I've fallen off the map a bit and I find myself rationalizing it by telling myself with the start of a new hard job 2 1/2 months ago and early sobriety I am doing the best I can.
But then I asked myself if this is simply my addictive voice masked a bit, hissing at me. It's hard to tell sometimes.
I think I've been running from chronic guilt/shame since I can remember. When I was a child, I noticed a heavy degree of uneasiness, sort of a dread sinking feeling that I now look back on and can register as shame and guilt.
I think there were many factors involved in my high degree of internal shame.
-Generational issues passed down from my parents ( each had unresolved shame/guilt) that I think I absorbed. It's taken me a long time to realize that the disappointment my father projects onto me is a reflection on how he really feels about himself.
-Perfectionist tendencies (always setting the bar a bit too high, never feeling good enough, feeling like I was starting "behind" everyone else and had to catch up just to be ok)
-Temperament and modeling
-Some genetics
-Environmental stressors (many deaths of loved ones in a short amount of time)
-My father's untreated severe clinical depression. I think as children if something is going on with our parents, we internalize this and sometimes think we are to blame. I just thought if I could be perfect that my dad would feel better. I also learned later that he was dealing with a raining gambling addiction.
This leads to my next thought:
The ghost of addiction in the house. I think kids are highly perceptive and pick-up on extra stuff going on in the home. I remember sensing something was really going on with my dad, but I couldn't put my finger on it. There always seemed to be this unresolved, amorphous dread like tension in the home. Like a ghost that just won't leave.
Only after dealing with my own addiction issues (eating disorder, alcohol) can I clearly recognize the entity of addiction. As I look back, that was our fifth family member that lived in the home with us. It was so confusing and so much like a ghost because I could sense something but couldn't name it. At the time, this was very very invalidating as I kind of felt a bit crazy/that I was making things up.
As I've been working through sobriety, these pieces that have shaped my addictive tendencies have become clear.
Something that has reared up again recently is the shame and guilt piece. I'm noticing it a lot recently. Nagging, whispering, pointing out what I am not doing. It is so persuasive that sometimes I give into it. Recently, it has been guilting me about not being a better friend. I know I've fallen off the map a bit and I find myself rationalizing it by telling myself with the start of a new hard job 2 1/2 months ago and early sobriety I am doing the best I can.
But then I asked myself if this is simply my addictive voice masked a bit, hissing at me. It's hard to tell sometimes.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
I grew up in an abusive household. No matter what i did it was not good enough. If i got an A+ i'd get told how I should strive for extra credit too or how come I failed at something else. It really didnt matter I'd always be told how I was not good enough. The verbal and emotional and physical abuse I oddly withstood and the worst i ended up with was an addiction it could have worked out worse for me. It really is amazing that I am where I am.
But your right this sorta stuff as a child starts to mold us. as we get older we self medicate with substances etc.. and instead of our fathers abuse maybe its a supervisor or a friend that puts us down. and instead of it rolling off our backs it sticks and burns because we are already prety sensitive to it since we dont feel good enough as it is.
All my life i never felt good enough. it seems many many people around me are quick to point out my short comeings. Some of these people mean no harm and are in my court trying to help me improve myself But I never saw it that way. I instead felt shame and guilt and like a failure. Others liked to point out my short comings as a way of lifting themselves up use me as there platform to make themselves appear better.
After I sobered up however I kinda started to get angry about this. I thought there is no way that i am this terrible of a person. and if everyone thinks i'm so terrible then screw them i'll go live alone. I'm not gonna sit around and feel guilty and shame myself all because of everyone and there opinions which may or may not be true.
I decided I'd just do my best in life what I had always done and I accepted the fact that sometimes my best is not good enough. If other people cannot accept that then that is there problem. I'm too tired of carrying around the bags of shame and guilt that everyone else loved to heep around my neck. No thanks they can keep that.
I sometimes think. What is good enough anyhow? I mean seriously we can always raise the bar right?
I think of it this way now instead. What IS, is good enough. The way that it is is the way that its suppost to be and that is good enough at this moment. That is the way that its suppost to be at this time etc..
all you can do is do your best if its good enough for others or not is there problem not yours.
But your right this sorta stuff as a child starts to mold us. as we get older we self medicate with substances etc.. and instead of our fathers abuse maybe its a supervisor or a friend that puts us down. and instead of it rolling off our backs it sticks and burns because we are already prety sensitive to it since we dont feel good enough as it is.
All my life i never felt good enough. it seems many many people around me are quick to point out my short comeings. Some of these people mean no harm and are in my court trying to help me improve myself But I never saw it that way. I instead felt shame and guilt and like a failure. Others liked to point out my short comings as a way of lifting themselves up use me as there platform to make themselves appear better.
After I sobered up however I kinda started to get angry about this. I thought there is no way that i am this terrible of a person. and if everyone thinks i'm so terrible then screw them i'll go live alone. I'm not gonna sit around and feel guilty and shame myself all because of everyone and there opinions which may or may not be true.
I decided I'd just do my best in life what I had always done and I accepted the fact that sometimes my best is not good enough. If other people cannot accept that then that is there problem. I'm too tired of carrying around the bags of shame and guilt that everyone else loved to heep around my neck. No thanks they can keep that.
I sometimes think. What is good enough anyhow? I mean seriously we can always raise the bar right?
I think of it this way now instead. What IS, is good enough. The way that it is is the way that its suppost to be and that is good enough at this moment. That is the way that its suppost to be at this time etc..
all you can do is do your best if its good enough for others or not is there problem not yours.
July 4, 2014
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 97
Thank you for sharing this topic and your own personal relationship to it. I agree 100%, shame are guilt and massive contributing factors in addiction and the development of it. I am not blaming someone for my drinking, no, it was me who decided to pick up a bottle and drink, yes. Though, I am certain there are things and situations during prime and sensitive stages of my development that taught me early on to seek a sort of reprieve, safety, numbness...
As pointed out, the addictive self loves this, it loves the guilt and the shame and knows how to manipulate either/both to allow access to that which eased any pain in the past (drink or drug). And this is no big discovery either, but that self is the stunted self who still wants to seek shelter, seek love, seek acceptance. Unknowingly, though we understand now, we put blinders on this being. It's up to us now to re-wire its brain and right its heart.
As pointed out, the addictive self loves this, it loves the guilt and the shame and knows how to manipulate either/both to allow access to that which eased any pain in the past (drink or drug). And this is no big discovery either, but that self is the stunted self who still wants to seek shelter, seek love, seek acceptance. Unknowingly, though we understand now, we put blinders on this being. It's up to us now to re-wire its brain and right its heart.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
Originally Posted by inthekeyofg 
Thank you for sharing this topic and your own personal relationship to it. I agree 100%, shame and guilt and massive contributing factors in addiction and the development of it. I am not blaming someone for my drinking, no, it was me who decided to pick up a bottle and drink, yes. Though, I am certain there are things and situations during prime and sensitive stages of my development that taught me early on to seek a sort of reprieve, safety, numbness...
As pointed out, the addictive self loves this, it loves the guilt and the shame and knows how to manipulate either/both to allow access to that which eased any pain in the past (drink or drug). And this is no big discovery either, but that self is the stunted self who still wants to seek shelter, seek love, seek acceptance. Unknowingly, though we understand now, we put blinders on this being. It's up to us now to re-wire its brain and right its heart.
As pointed out, the addictive self loves this, it loves the guilt and the shame and knows how to manipulate either/both to allow access to that which eased any pain in the past (drink or drug). And this is no big discovery either, but that self is the stunted self who still wants to seek shelter, seek love, seek acceptance. Unknowingly, though we understand now, we put blinders on this being. It's up to us now to re-wire its brain and right its heart.
I myself thing abuse or not the inclination to become al alcoholic would have always still been there underneath it all. I think the abuse helped push me into the direction and helped ensure it got activated.
But I could have just as easily started partying having a good time and decided to drink for a host of other reasons.
I think the alcoholic in me is there first all of the rest of this stuff just becomes excuses to drink. However very strong and seemingly valid reasons at the time in the end they where nothing more then excuses.
There are healthier ways to deal with this pain.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Florida
Posts: 109
For me, it was more crippling work-related anxiety that caused me to devolve from being "only" (and I say sarcastically for people without a sense of humor) a binge drinker to a full-blown alcoholic. I was working two high-profile jobs in two different states, which entailed weekly air travel. On top of that I was pursuing an online graduate degree as well. Ironically, it was my pal vodka that helped me keep it all together. A pull or two off a bottle, and everything was A-ok, at least for a while. That is until my tolerance became such that at the height of my alcoholism, I could pack away a fifth in a 12-16 hour period. Although I abhor 12 step, I will concede that's when I was forced to admit my life had become "unmanageable." And I had the lost jobs and broken marriage to prove it. As alcoholism runs rampant in both sides of my family, there probably is the genetic component as well, but I doubt I would have drank so heavily without that anxiety.
I know there is a very strongly opinionated anti-medication contingent on this forum, but through a combination of anti-anxiety meds (Ativan and Vistaril), and CBT, I've been able to keep that crippling anxiety at bay, and without that anxiety, there just really isn't a reason for me to drink.
I know there is a very strongly opinionated anti-medication contingent on this forum, but through a combination of anti-anxiety meds (Ativan and Vistaril), and CBT, I've been able to keep that crippling anxiety at bay, and without that anxiety, there just really isn't a reason for me to drink.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
Originally Posted by SoberAlky
For me, it was more crippling work-related anxiety that caused me to devolve from being "only" (and I say sarcastically for people without a sense of humor) a binge drinker to a full-blown alcoholic. I was working two high-profile jobs in two different states, which entailed weekly air travel. On top of that I was pursuing an online graduate degree as well. Ironically, it was my pal vodka that helped me keep it all together. A pull or two off a bottle, and everything was A-ok, at least for a while. That is until my tolerance became such that at the height of my alcoholism, I could pack away a fifth in a 12-16 hour period. Although I abhor 12 step, I will concede that's when I was forced to admit my life had become "unmanageable." And I had the lost jobs and broken marriage to prove it. As alcoholism runs rampant in both sides of my family, there probably is the genetic component as well, but I doubt I would have drank so heavily without that anxiety.
I know there is a very strongly opinionated anti-medication contingent on this forum, but through a combination of anti-anxiety meds (Ativan and Vistaril), and CBT, I've been able to keep that crippling anxiety at bay, and without that anxiety, there just really isn't a reason for me to drink.
I know there is a very strongly opinionated anti-medication contingent on this forum, but through a combination of anti-anxiety meds (Ativan and Vistaril), and CBT, I've been able to keep that crippling anxiety at bay, and without that anxiety, there just really isn't a reason for me to drink.
Good for you. I think meds have a time and a place and certainly can help folks through some rough spots.
Do you feel in your case that perhaps you should not have said job that causes so much stress? The reason I ask is in my case I feel as if i need to loose my job. find something more manageable so that I can be more balanced in my off hours and not feel as if i need to find some substance to cope say.
I'm not blaming the job. But I feel sometimes absent alcohol or any substances there simply is only so much i can handle. As if I have a different set of limitations.
For me I've felt quiting booze was step one. THen i had to run around and start repairing the rest of the stuff in my life to make things more manageable.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 750
Great post Katie! Very good description of growing up in a dysfunctional home. The ghost in our home was a scary one. Never knowing when it would appear, but always afraid to say the wrong thing, the wrong words could make the ghost appear instantly. So I kept quiet a lot, but then I got in trouble for being "too quiet", when all I wanted was peace. The abuse was never physical, but verbal and emotional abuse is an awful thing for a child to grow up with.
I agree it definitely contributed to me using/drinking to escape the discomfort I felt into adulthood.
I agree it definitely contributed to me using/drinking to escape the discomfort I felt into adulthood.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Florida
Posts: 109
Originally Posted by zjw
Good for you. I think meds have a time and a place and certainly can help folks through some rough spots.
Do you feel in your case that perhaps you should not have said job that causes so much stress? The reason I ask is in my case I feel as if i need to loose my job. find something more manageable so that I can be more balanced in my off hours and not feel as if i need to find some substance to cope say.
I'm not blaming the job. But I feel sometimes absent alcohol or any substances there simply is only so much i can handle. As if I have a different set of limitations.
For me I've felt quiting booze was step one. THen i had to run around and start repairing the rest of the stuff in my life to make things more manageable.
Do you feel in your case that perhaps you should not have said job that causes so much stress? The reason I ask is in my case I feel as if i need to loose my job. find something more manageable so that I can be more balanced in my off hours and not feel as if i need to find some substance to cope say.
I'm not blaming the job. But I feel sometimes absent alcohol or any substances there simply is only so much i can handle. As if I have a different set of limitations.
For me I've felt quiting booze was step one. THen i had to run around and start repairing the rest of the stuff in my life to make things more manageable.
But, despite all the regrettable things that have happened to me because of alcoholism, I never would have sought treatment or help otherwise. For me, drinking was never about drinking itself, it was about managing stress, although in a very unhealthy way.
So my experience has been the opposite of yours. I needed these bad things to happen to me to prod me into quitting booze. Of course I wish it hadn't had to happen that way, but I probably wouldn't have quit otherwise and at this point I wouldn't have it any other way.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
Originally Posted by SoberAlky
Zjw - in my case I ended up losing the job anyway because of my drinking, so it's a decision that was made for me. Honestly, I really didn't want to take the job but at the time thought it was necessary for career advancement. Instead, it caused me to develop into a full-blown alcoholic and actually take several steps backwards.
But, despite all the regrettable things that have happened to me because of alcoholism, I never would have sought treatment or help otherwise. For me, drinking was never about drinking itself, it was about managing stress, although in a very unhealthy way.
So my experience has been the opposite of yours. I needed these bad things to happen to me to prod me into quitting booze. Of course I wish it hadn't had to happen that way, but I probably wouldn't have quit otherwise and at this point I wouldn't have it any other way.
But, despite all the regrettable things that have happened to me because of alcoholism, I never would have sought treatment or help otherwise. For me, drinking was never about drinking itself, it was about managing stress, although in a very unhealthy way.
So my experience has been the opposite of yours. I needed these bad things to happen to me to prod me into quitting booze. Of course I wish it hadn't had to happen that way, but I probably wouldn't have quit otherwise and at this point I wouldn't have it any other way.
I can relate to some degree because at some point decisions get made for us. Lifes little way of trying to correct our behavior.
I know in my case while i'm sober now adn while I look for a new job etc.. at some point the clock might run out and my job decision will be made for me.
But like you I know it would be bitter sweet. Sometimes what we need doesnt feel so good at first. IE the medicine doesnt taste good but sometimes we gotta take it.
I got horrible panic attacks they drove me to quit drinking. I'm thankful for those panic attacks. I woulda never cleaned up my act without them. Bitter sweet again.
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