What's going on.
 

Hey everyone. I haven't been on here recently because I haven't been 100% sober and have been drinking again a few times a week... mostly weekends. When I drink it's not moderately, I drink for the high so I still find that I'm better off having none. I've been hesitant to post because I don't want to be a trigger for someone or to be seen as someone who is minimizing how toxic and damaging alcohol can be. Plus I can't really come on here and offer advice when I'm not practicing sobriety. I guess I'm trying moderation again or maybe I'm back living on the river denile. My definition of moderation for me would be binge drinking one day a week when I can "get away" with it the next day (no kids cuz they are at their dads and no work). Whether or not this is a realistic in the long term I don't know. And I know that what I'm doing is not real moderation as defined by one to three drinks. Nevertheless this is what I'm doing.

I wanted to drop in and say hi. I think this is a wonderful place that does a lot of good and I still want to keep a foot in the door here :)

Been missing you here, zen. Hope you come back to visit more in the near future.

Zen alcoholics cannot not moderate

Sorry that your drinking know were here for you bud

hopefully youl jump back on the wagon and tell your seriously active AV where to go

Hope to see you around Zen

Nobody here is perfect... still working on it myself! glad you checked in.

zenchaser,

genuine question: is this good enough for you?
meaning: is this what looks to you like a reasonable way to try to accommodate your need/craving for drink with your want to be done with it?
content with this?

Zen, you can't quit until you really want to quit, and it does not sound like you're there yet. When you are, I would do a few of those things which have been suggested, and which apparently seem too inconvenient. Whatever you do, try to understand what went wrong, and in that light do it differently.

Hugs zen! I've been thinking about you!
You're always welcome here, you know that. We miss you in Girl Power, too...come say hi.
My heart hurts for you, though, because I know this isn't how you really want to live.
xoxo

I hope things go well for you Zen. You can only report what you see. I hope you are not afraid to come back if it gets out of control even if you can't see quitting right then. Don't let it get you alone Zen.

Thanks for checking in Zen. Don't let it get too bad. Post anytime, so many people who are here to support us when we are ready.

You can do this, Zen! Thanks for checking in here. What pushed you over the edge recently? How has your life been going? How have you been feeling?

you won't be. You're just not that powerful Zen...noone is :)

I disagree. I find we all have a clear idea of what we all should do... the problem lies in following our own advice.

SR is for people struggling. That's why we;re here.

If you let your AV keep you away from the herd, it's already half way to getting what it wants

If you really want to trouble your AV post here and often :)

D

You are doing ok Zen. Try to remember that alcoholism is a disease, not a crime. As a disease it has certain symptoms, one of which is that it's sufferers have a hard time recognising the extent of the problem and coming to terms with it.

At the moment you are in what I would call the diagnostic, treatment and prognosis stage.

Am I or aren't I? Do I want any help? What will happen if I keep going? Will I stay the same or get worse? Is there anything better than this life with alcohol?

Please keep coming back and posting. Read the other posts and see how your experience compares. Reach out when you are ready. There is not a lot anyone else can do until you are convinced you need to do something, but when that time comes, there will be plenty of help available.

Once again so many kind and thoughtful responses. Thanks.

The better part of me doesn't want to drink and most of the time I'm still sober. I was having some depression when I picked back up... winter blues. I was crabby with everyone and felt like I was just going through the motions.... no real spark. My sex life wasn't where it was... I had lost my drive and that was really messing with my head. I'm NOT interested in going on antidepressants! I've read and I know people who take them and they make you gain weight and they can also screw up libido. I already think I need to lose weight and as I've stated I'm not ok with losing my libido. I don't want to be fat and frigid. So I'm self medicating.

However even as I write this I know it's ridiculous. There are alternatives that I know work. Healthy lifestyle, exercise, suppliments, fruits and veggies, getting outdoors more. I was really isololating and wallowing in my funk and I chose the easy way out. I was really bored too.... I missed hanging out with my peeps and going out and getting up to no good. I don't know how to not be that person and I felt raw sometimes. I was lonely. But I know where this path will lead me and it's such a slippery slope. I'm controlling it for now but it doesn't take much before I'm justifying drinking on Mon or Tues because I've had a ****** day or the sun is shining and it's summer or...... fill in the blank with whatever reason. So I get it. It's hard to find that resolve again.... BEFORE it gets bad again and I'm in so much pain that I'm desperate.

Sorry you're having a bad time, zen girl. Please, keep us posted here.

I hope you can find the resolve cos yeah it's not going to get better.

All you need is one day to start you off - can you commit to one day? :dunno:

D

Yeah I can commit to a day... I'm not drinking today and I won't through the week. It's getting through the weekend. Now that my friends know I'm off the wagon I've had plans every weekend. There is a party this Friday that I'm already thinking of bailing on because it will go all night and I will want to die on Saturday. I know exactly how it will play out.

You know what I'm going to try this again. People are doing all the time and I can be part of that club too. I need to learn to trust the process and stop needing such immediate gratification. I have to let go of this obsession that I can control it! That this time it will be different. It's insane because I know I can't.

Good work zen if you ever need to talk you can always send a pm

D's advice about posting often i 5000% agree with

I'm glad to hear you say the above Dee, I've had the same thoughts at times regarding posting.

You have several days to make a iron clad no fail strategy for the weekend zen - you can do this :)

got any ideas to start you off? :)

D

I was just talking to my bf and he thinks that I can drink occasionally... he did not enjoy the anhedonia I experienced near the end of my period of sobriety. I wasn't easy to live with... I pulled away from him and he got the brunt of my irritability. He also didn't understand why our sex life, which had been good, just fizzled away and how I could lose my interest. He thinks that as long as I'm choosy about the situations that I drink in and don't fall back into daily drinking that all will be ok. BUT he is not an alcoholic and simply doesn't understand when I say that I can't just have one or two. I'm better off to have none than start and try to stop.

When I first quit I felt great! It was so good to not have that poison in me all the time and not wake up with hangovers.... but as time when on I started feeling worse and worse and so tense sometimes. I was losing interest in everything and not answering the phone when it rang, not even calling people back or responding to texts. I just didn't care. I had zero fcuks to give. But winter is almost over and that was a big factor..... now that the sun is back maybe I won't go to such a dark place again.

I just don't know. I'm sober today and as long as most days are that way then at least there's a bunch of harm reduction.