Aellyce

Thanks again.

Cow, the weird thing is that I don't hate doctors, doctor's offices and hospitals at all, actually quite the opposite. I've always been interested in medical stuff, worked in institutions physically located in hospitals, and collaborated with doctors for my work many times. I even sometimes enjoyed small procedures because I can be quite fascinated with the technology. So I'm not entirely sure what my problem is. I'm really tending to think that it's simply the fact that I never got into the habit of routine medical checkups, except the dentist. And with the dentist, I've never had an issue of skipping it because I'm not that lucky on that front and I already invested so much into it over many years so that's pretty much a habit. I also procrastinated going to therapy for far too long, in spite of psychology being one of my major interests since my teens. Well, that issue might be at least in part cultural since psychotherapy was really not something very available and a common thing to do in the country where I grew up and where/when I would have needed it more than anytime later. I moved into the mental health profession myself later but it still took me years to finally got into therapy. And not surprisingly, in the past year it's become one of my favorite activities... even a bit obsessively now I would say. It's probably just part of my tendencies of procrastinating action... like getting sober, for years. What's interesting though that historically, once I get into these things, I don't tend to have problems with follow up and consistency. It just sometimes takes ages to start doing it. Anyhow, I think I'll apply what I learned about procrastination last year to my medical care as well.

BigS, thanks for the ideas. I'm sorry about your grandparents... yes I agree there can be big differences in how we see someone when we meet them often, and when more sparsely. I have definitely see changes each time I visited my dad during the past year or so.

I don't see hospice care or any other forms of facilities as extreme at all. I'm a realist and a quite pragmatic person (well, weird to say after what I just discussed about my issues with own medical checkups), have no illusions about my dad's situation. I did think about contacting a facility like that even before I visit, and I think you are right, it's what I should do and ask for advice instead of trying to resolve everything on my own. His sister had serious mental issues and spent her last few years living in such a home, apparently quite happy and well-managed. It was actually my dad who arranged her transfer there after her locking up herself in a tiny apartment and succumbing to psychosis and paranoia, and he kept visiting her there until the end. His other sister spent a good chunk of her life in a mental hospital when she was still quite young, and that was less successful as in the end she committed suicide. I think my dad still has resentments about that and may be part of the reason why he's so opposed to mental health treatments.

I'm just not used to making investigations and arrangements without discussing everything with him first..., but I guess it's time to do something along those lines. I am pretty convinced already that his quality of life would be much better at this point living in a home like that, in many ways, the social factor far from being the last one.

Now I'm really glad that I have written about all these things here... I will totally make these appointments and arrangements, starting today. I always find that once I talk about an issue here (or in therapy), it raises my awareness levels and also my motivation to act on resolving the issues. Generally it's not too hard for me to drop my defensive strategies usually once I'm aware of them clearly, or to try new ways of changing them.

OK so I'll make my own doctor's appointments that are due and will look into those facilities where my father lives. The support group idea for myself is also a good one I think... in fact my therapist already suggested something like that before, I just made an excuse that I don't have the time for that on top of everything else... but it's only an excuse of course. I'll look into this as well, perhaps something online first in my home country as that would practically be more relevant.

Thanks again for talking to me, everyone... I feel much better now having made some new decisions and with plans I can follow up

Aellyce

I'm going to Europe to spend a few days with my dad next week, again. And again, on to Singapore to explore/discuss the job. For the latter, it seems like we now have some temporary funding that I can use, and I'm all over investigating the new funding opportunities -- one of my favorite professional roles (getting grants), so this is fun! Spending time in Asia, learning about the culture, experiencing it and especially even benefiting in the research we do in NY is beyond my dreams. Yet

PurpleKnight

I've mentioned a more than a few times that my dad passed away a number of years ago, I was called at work one day and the nurse at the other end of the phone said, "you need to be here", and that was when I knew things were reaching the point of no return.

My dad was a great storyteller, typical local in his home town, knew everyone, could remember stories from years ago of things taking place, people he had met, could chat to anyone, soo when I would go to visit him months before the end I'd take old photo albums and scrapbooks of newspaper cuttings he had at his and my mum's house, we'd sit and talk for hours about his experiences and for an evening he'd forget about the present and reminisce about the past, the good old times, and I could see he enjoyed sharing and passing on his stories.

The other thing I would do when he was in hospital was arrange for old friends and family he hadn't seen in a while to drop in, again reliving the old times as if they were a bunch of 20 year olds again put a smile on his face.

I think the realisation that my dad was one day not going to be around gave me a focus, those late night phone calls I can relate to, and I continued to take them as in the end it didn't matter loosing a few hours sleep.

It's far from easy Haennie!!

Justincredible

I don't have any experience or advice, but just wanted to offer my support. Interesting thread, has me thinking. Safe travels.

Aellyce

Hi, friends, again And thanks so much for all the compassion.

Update on this is that I've found a potentially nice and useful organization that provides both inpatient and home care. I am scheduled to meet with the representative next Thursday, in our home country/city.

One thing that made me sad today... I talked with my dad on the phone. I think I told here in a few ways, how his plants and garden has been his life... at least since his mid-40's (84 now). In our phone conversation today, he told me that he hired someone to "kill" many of his most beloved plants in the garden. He presented this to me like the plants had some disease... but I know it was simply his decision. He said this worker buried those plants in the garden.

I don't know what to expect, friends... but up to anything, and am so happy I'll be there again next week. My childhood memories also

Cow

You papa probable "know" separation from his belove plants is coming, and maybe he could no bare it, and so this story is how he detach.

Best wishes for you visit.

Aellyce

I know, Cow. To be honest, what angers me today is the anger of "not wanting to go". Or letting go... I think that he perceived those plants and everything as part of his own... and now they also have to go.

Don't know what to think/feel/say about all this, friends. Right now, I picture my childhood environment (our house and yard with all the lovely plants, ponds, etc...; btw, it's still my property!) as a field after an atomic bomb attack. Professional "killers" pouring poison on it. Dad says the plan is to seed grass on the whole yard. Well, ok.

PurpleKnight

Is there maybe a way he could have a few indoor plants at home or in the inpatient care?

My dad was quite the gardner too, but when he had a mini stroke, he couldn't do anything outside, so I got him some herb plants for his kitchen, and when I'd go round he'd be eager to tell me all about them, what recipes they could be used for and all that he needed to do was water them each day, something small but it kept his interest going!!

Cow

Total understand you anger. And also understand you papa. And, as plant lover, that heart-breaking.

As we know, is huge spectrum of how individual approach such times as you papa is facing. Is they anything you think can be done to ease you papa's perspective. If not, I guess you just has to let it be. Maybe you can talk to home care about that he not permitted to make household decisions, that, as property owner, things has to be run pass you?

Aellyce

Aellyce

Aellyce

GroundhogDay

Haennie,

I think you are doing the right thing. You are doing your best for your Dad, but also living your own life.

PurpleKnight

Love the songs Haennie!!

I've been thinking about your thread all weekend as I know the pain you're feeling, and I still feel it over my own dad, that pain I tried to drink away for years and it didn't work, and now in Sobriety I'm learning to deal with it!!

I think as a family member all we can do is do our best, there are no right or wrong answers, we can only do what we can do, and I think that is to provide comfort to our loved ones.

I've given examples of what I did with my dad, but the theme through it all was taking his mind off the present, letting him find some enjoyment in the past, the life that he was very much involved in, whether through activities, other people, getting away from the fact of his own mortality, but reminiscing in years gone by, and I know from experience I saw happiness and joy in my dad's face as a result.

I have one last story I want to share, my dad was a great chess player, and once upon a time, when he and my mum were only newly married, they went on holiday to Spain, and in a small shop he came across a carved chess set, everything was carved from wood, the pieces were engraved and polished, the board was exquisite, and the guy in the shop offered him a great price, my dad snapped it up and brought it home, this chess set sat in a drawer in our house as I grew up, my dad taught me how to play chess, but not on this set, this was for special occasions, my dad would go on to show me the set, but we never played on it, it was his prized possession.

My dad went into hospital 3 months prior to his death, and I would travel from work 5 times a week to be at his bedside, on the 2nd week I brought the chess set, the chess set we as father and son had never played on, but now was the time, we marvelled at the craftsmanship of the pieces, he would over and over tell me the story of where he had bought it and why he had never wanted anyone to touch it, and I remember telling him, a board like this was made for playing!!

The game lasted 4 days, and in the end it was a draw, we went back and forward but it ended in a draw, I remember bargaining with the nurses to give us an extra hour each evening to play, and in the end no one won, we were evenly matched, father and son!!

The chess set, I still have, again very rarely played on, but we have a local competition that I've been playing in for a number of years and for the final, I bring my dad's chess set to play on, I find some comfort in that, my dad's chess playing lives on for others.

For me I did what I could, that's all we can do, I tried to give my dad some enjoyment in his final days and I hope he's looking down from somewhere thinking, my son was an alright guy!!

fini

when we moved over here from Germany about forty years ago, we left a very settled house and garden. entirely "ours".
a few years ago one of my siblings went back and the house had just been re-sold a second time and the new owners had made major changes, which my brother took lots of photos of and showed us all.
all fine with me, but my parents? major upset, especially my mother.
forty years later, attached to "her" house, and "how could they?!?" and...
i'm thinking about that while reading your post and wondering if that's partly what's going on with your dad's killing of the plants: taking control and razing something ourselves instead of knowing later someone else might do god knows what; something entirely unpalatable to us (my mom).

Aellyce

Well, they apparently poisoned and buried many of the plants, and also the coi and gold fish... we had three little ponds where these these fish lived for many years, since my teens
I understand all this both psychologically and practically. But...
Anyhow, he is just making my practical life easier, and it will be beautiful that large lawn with a few trees

Aellyce

Well, I just arrived at my dad's this afternoon. In some ways, it does look like a bomb shelter (if he/they decided to exterminate the plants, it's certainly not finished). But they did not kill everything in terms of flora.It seems to me that he projected his anger onto certain parts (of course the parts that meant the most to him, I know enough to judge). But left other areas untouched. It'll for sure require a lot of restorative and creative work, and to be honest... the future-oriented and creative person I am, I don't have only bad feelings about it. I met the guy who did all the poisoning today -- I actually set that meeting up before I left NY because, emotional impact or not, I need to deal with the reality of all this. I managed to stay civil with him also...

Okay, so two days here now. My father was crying in our conversation right after my arrival. I'm still in too much of a state of detachment to truly embrace his reactions, but it'll come.

This is it for today, and thanks so much for all of you who have reached out either here or via PM. Whoever knows me even a little, you perhaps see that I am very receptive and take pretty much everything into deep consideration and appreciation. I will also respond to some posts (PK especially here!) when I feel a little more settled as I will have a lot to share.

Aellyce

This has been my friendship ideal for a long time (see full movie) ... And Andy Dufresne one of the characters I've identified with a lot:

Venecia

Haennie, you're a good daughter.

I wish I could give you a hug or buy you a cup of tea. And, selfishly, I wish we could sit over that tea (and maybe a little cake) and commiserate. My childhood home now stands empty, waiting to be put on the market. I have boxes from my home lined up in my foyer and living room; others have been emptied, with things from home now here in my place. My mother now lives with my brother and his family; she is very frail.

These are hard times, exacerbated by the fact that it doesn't follow a smooth path, no matter how hard we try. I don't know if it helps or hurts that we're both solo. We don't have much for support systems. But we do have this little world here. And in this world, I send you my very kindest wishes. In my heart, the tea is brewing for you and the cake being plated.

And, yes, thanks to PK for that poignant recollection.

Aellyce

Hi Venecia Thanks a lot.

What kind of tea do you like? One that I love is mint. I have it grow even in NY. For our breakfast (morning or afternoon break)