Eddiebuckle

Haennie,

My parents are both deceased, and I wish this book had been available then: Being Mortal by Atul Gawande. I cannot recommend this book too strongly for someone dealing with end of life issues directly or with a loved one.

Being Mortal | Atul Gawande

Aellyce

And right now... just 2 hours from my interview. 12 hour shift relative to NY. It's hard. I am "strangely" calm -- I say it because this mental state is what I normally experience before/during job interviews. Most of the time, I already kind of know whether or not I would get it... and the exceptions were more than interesting. (Long story required....). I feel excited and fairly confident.

Anyhow. Singapore. Meeting of East and West in weird ways... I've never been here before. I'm both over- and underwhelmed, given the diversity in our human world. So many interesting, and intriguing forms of history, lifestyle, world views, even about the area of mortality/death that concerns me because of my father... I'm finding some new things here

Off to the actual interview in an hour...

Verte

Go get it, Haennie. The world is your oyster! How thrilling.

Dee74

It's an interesting time to be in Singapore - I hope you enjoy it

best of luck with the interview

D

Notimetoloose

Fingers x Heanni, you are in my thoughts!

Aellyce

I think it went well. And regardless of a new job for me or not, I've seen and learned a lot of very interesting (and potentially useful) things.

There was also a curious personal aspect. This guy, one of the people I visited with. He's a bioinformatician. Said that we could do many interesting things together if I were to come back. There was a very similar encounter in the interview for my current job in NY, just with a woman, who was an engineer.

I'm going out for dinner with them tonight. Then some sleep(?), and back to Europe. I know it's crazy I am not staying here longer, but I set everything also to be able to spend a bit more time with my dad.

So whether I get this job or not: the idea is not to change completely at this point. I am very attached to my current NYC job and life, so no intention to divorce that. It is to potentially split my attention, and of course I love to travel. And of course, my never-ending desire to bring things together, even if they are seemingly very far

Aellyce

OK... here's something very close to me, but I don't like to be on stage... so, highly similar
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oVVe5wHEswQ

herradura

Haennie,

Good luck with the jobs and all the travel. I spent yesterday in the hospital with my Dad. He too is leaving his large home and more importantly his flowers and gardens which he has spent 40 years making/growing. He is winding down and getting prepared for a smaller life with less health. His main concern to the doctor was, can I garden so long that my legs will go out and I wont be able to get into the house?

You have a lot of decisions to make and you think everything through very well, or should I say completely. Good luck with it and in the end it will all work out. Your Dad sounds like a pretty neat man.

Aellyce

I think I got the job... Well, I actually initiated the job, so I am happy that I fit into my own structure. This is going to be very challenging, again. It has things to do with cross-cultural aspects of addiction vulnerability. One of their comments was that I have a superb record of getting funding even in environments that are foreign for me. I talked with this HR-like person, and he told me that, apart from all the scientific skills, he thinks I have a good intuitive sense for business. He advised me to explore this further... as if I did not... So why have I started that *** when I was 17?

Anyhow, I'm going back to Europe "tomorrow" (stopped tracking days and hours, really). Thanks so much for your feedback and support. I will also get back into responding to private conversations, soon.

Thanks so much, friends

Aellyce

Okay I think we just got to an agreement with my dad, and with someone who will come and check on / help him regularly. It's a woman from the house across the street. I know her from my earliest childhood experience -- they are a large practicing Catholic family, pretty much all of them with a long history of volunteer work and helping elders. My dad has had a good relationship with them ever since he and my mom moved here (years before my birth). This family actually did not like me very much in the past, because of my apparently easy and selfish decisions to follow whatever I wanted to do outside of the family, moving abroad etc. I had some long discussions with this lady and her sister both before my job interview and today. They were like, "is this really how you are? I did not expect so much concern from (...insert my dad's name...) only daughter..." Well, yeah.

So we all agreed that she will check on my dad 3-5 times a week, and we all will have phone and internet connection (the internet we did not have at all before, but I am starting an account for my dad now and also just ordered a laptop, and will train him how to use it. the lady from next door knows all this already well). All monetary compensation are mine, but that's a non-issue.

I am so relieved, guys! So happy that my dad will be in safe hands (I trust these neighbors despite their not liking me when I was younger). It means so much for me, if for nothing else, because I feel I can return to him now what they (my parents) provided for me when I was a kid. A safe haven, letting just enough external "troubles" in, but they protected me from "forces" outside of my control as best as they could. I also plan to visit as regularly as I can in the future.

My dad actually seems to be doing much better than what I imagined from the distance (and what he often transmits to me over the phone). We plan a few interesting programs for us for the coming 4 days; nothing demanding, just doing stuff in the garden, walking a little, and we invited a good friend of his with his wife for a dinner.
I was also asking my dad if he would like a dog or a cat (in my childhood, we always had these, and also other animals). He said no, because he would most likely forget about caring for the animals at this point, sometimes. I think that is wise.

Anyhow, just an update

Boleo

Good start. However my experience has been that it is the morning wakeup routine that is most important. Once your dad gets comfortable with 3 days a week, I would make a strong effort to get him to commit to 7 days a week starting at 7 - 9 AM. Even one hour in that time frame would make a big difference in getting him used to a daily routine.

Aellyce

Hi Boleo, yes... he actually already does that. A "morning person" (more than I have ever been). Mornings are the times when his mind also tends to be the clearest, and this has been hard for us given that my base is in NY and his is in central Europe, that he often would want to talk with me at times what are early mornings for him. I decided to have initially an infinite tolerance for this, for a couple years... but the truth is, it's gotten hard for me since I also have other parts of my day/schedule demanding. So I blurted out at him a few times at those (for me) early times, and then spent a good deal of time in intense guilt. So what you are saying here will always be paramount: have good morning routines... And also, some reliable source of interpersonal connection, when he needs it. I think that my dad and I are similar in that when we need connection, we really WANT it I totally understand this in him. We just need a ~good solution for everyone.

Justincredible

It sounds like this trip has been a success thus far haennie! I am happy for you, congrats on scoring the job. Enjoy your time with your dad, it looks like everything is falling into place just like you wanted. Thanks for the update.

Aellyce

Thanks, Justin. Well, it is actually not so much "in place" yet. Not in my mind. The reality of this job thing just hit me hard this morning. I know it's ridiculous... but I just realized that I'm just about to enter a "dream" I've had in my whole life... this "double life" thing, to have two jobs, "two lives" in two quite different parts of the world. Well, my two choices (places) are also similar to each-other in many ways, but that just shows to me that I am choosing environments that I truly like. I'm full of fear now though. Of what? Kinda afraid of the new lifestyle I've just created... well, not so much, don't I love novelty?
Anyhow, it's a little scary.

On the "dad front", I think I realized something I wasn't aware of before. I think he is severely depressed. Really don't see much sign of physical illness that is beyond what's normal for a 84-year old man's health and that cannot be managed with his medication. Now that I'm here spending more time with him, what I see more is sadness, hopelessness, fear, despair. Well, no surprise, he has not been getting out of the house at all almost for... many months now. But he does not seem physically so ill to me, at all. The moment when all this stroke me was when he repeatedly talked with me about my own life as something potentially sad and hopeless. Keeps asking me questions like "are you not disappointed"? "Are you not lonely"? "Is this globe trotting worth anything"? Then he talks about me as if I were disabled or something... but clearly, it's all his fears, his sadness, his anguish. He asked me just now to go to visit my mother's grave together... the cemetery is just two train stops and a little walk away... gosh, wish I had a car now, but I don't even have a valid license to rent one (something to put on the "to do" list when I get back to NY). Anyhow, we will go to the cemetery tomorrow morning... I have not been there since her funeral ~7 years ago, and I was quite loaded with alcohol back then, during all those days when I was here for her funeral. It's beautiful spring weather here, and my dad has lots of gorgeous plants, so I'm thinking we can grab some and take to my mom's grave tomorrow.

Not sure what I can do about his depression, though... gosh, lack of general interest in mental health was the reason why I rejected studying to become a psychologist here in my youth... but it's all different now. I know so many mental health professionals in NY... and it's now my career as well... and here I am, wondering what to about my 84-yo father's depression. Will figure out something. I don't want my dad to live and die depressed like this. My mom was a very depressive person, in her whole life I think, and she died that way with me not even caring.

Justincredible

I think the computer with internet connection is a good thing that you can share with him if he thrives on "connection". My father is much the same, but almost to a needy demanding point and can be trying at times. You will probably be more accessible to him in a way that you can control and handle with greater ease. The virtual connection and even community might really help. The neighbour who will be checking in on him seems like a great asset in this situation with her having computer knowledge etc.

As for your job opportunity it sound very novel indeed. Exciting is the first thing that comes to mind. Although, having to choose between the life you have created in NY and this new adventure in SE Asia is a much larger decision than choosing your hair color! No matter what, you will make the right decision.

Keep us posted on what you decide! All I can say is I love to travel, and am envious in a way but also feel the seeming enormity of this decision you have in front of you. Either way it is a "win" in my books because you GOT the job, if you decide to take it and move, or stay in NY is a matter of fulfillment and happiness that each location/job will provide.

Justincredible

Duh, I was just on the treadmill and I remembered you saying something about being able to work remotely from NY for the most part. I'm still getting my marbles back here so disregard some of my previous post!!!

The setup with you being able to stay in NY AND work in this new position is absolutely ideal IMO. Congrats! I will be happy with having 1/10 of the awesomeness you seemingly have at 1+ year sober!

Venecia

Hi, Haennie --

Good to get the update on both your life and your father. It sounds like a good amount has been accomplished.

Wish I had something brilliant to say to you about your dad's depression. Would he be open to getting treatment with anti-depressants? Much to my surprise, my mother talked with her physician about it just before Christmas -- about seven months after my dad's sudden death. She is taking Prozac and reports it is helping.

You are a good daughter, Haennie.

V.

Aellyce

Yeah the idea about the jobs and lifestyle is to coordinate these things together. I don't want to move anywhere from NYC permanently right now and would still want to have that as a base, just spend some time (both working and living) on the other end as well. I know a few people, some in my profession, who do similar things and it can work well given that the person has physical, practical and emotional flexibility and resources for it. This kind of life was also the idea and goal before in my past, what we wanted to realize with my ex-bf (because despite all the similarities, we had significantly differing preferences regarding main lifestyle choices)... but obviously it did not work, and in large part because we were more entranced in an alcoholic lifestyle and in the associated imaginary worlds rather than reality or realization to be able to make the efforts, changes, and commitments necessary. I guess I'm still not done with the idea obviously for myself

Yes my dad's mental state is a challenge. He's also clingy... now, he has never been when younger and healthier. I understand. He tends to be very resistant to any opinion and suggestion that involves mental health, especially when it comes to his. But it could not be more obvious that he is down and suffering. He likes to discuss it with me, but is resistant to involve anyone else. What is frustrating is that I'm quite confident that he would trust one or two of the mental health professionals I know in NY if he got to know them, but I don't know anybody here, not even a good gp. Perhaps he could be convinced to try an AD... but knowing him, he might easily and quickly get discouraged if it does not work or makes things worse. He has a gp, but he does not even let her visit him anymore, just gets prescriptions delivered to his house and they do that. He always disliked doctor visits and getting medical care. Healthcare is also extremely corrupt here... anyway, I convinced him to let this doctor come out, examine him, and talk with both of us. She's coming tomorrow, so we'll see. Surely I sometimes feel it would be nice to have more of a family or something, some others who could help him and also deal with parts of the practical stuff... I really have zero other family members who could be counted on in any way. We try to do what we can. He seemed in a better mood today: we did go to the cemetery in the morning and then a friend of his came over to chat and I'm having a break.

Thanks again for the responses and support, it means a lot!

Aellyce

Well, "success" with gp. She would prescribe the AD for my dad, and she is waiting for me to tell which AD what dosage and when (and how much I pay of course)

Verte

Hi Haennie...thanks for sharing your life and updates. Are you able to get any downtime at all these days if you feel you need it?