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Resentment

Old 03-13-2015, 07:27 PM
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KAD
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Resentment

Not mine, but my ex-girlfriend's.

I've had a couple conversations with her since getting back from rehab. Of course, given that it's only been 3 weeks since I returned and I'm still finding out just how badly I screwed up and how upside down my life has been turned, I'm a little preoccupied with my recovery process. I made the mistake of thinking she'd be interested and supportive. Instead, she said she's tired of talking about, that it sounds like my alcoholism has become my identity, and she's still pretty resentful.

Granted, I put her through a lot, so it isn't like I don't understand. I do. I guess I just feel pretty alone with this a lot of the time. It is my problem, after all, so what should I expect? There are moments at AA meetings I feel the most connected, and there are times when I get that here, but what I feel I need the most is that 3D connection.

Feeling a little frustrated this Friday night. I went to an AA meeting and it didn't go all that well. The older members spent the whole time complaining about people coming and going and no one staying (I think I know why!) and almost sounding like they were guilt-tripping people into staying, like it's owed. I dunno... just left me feeling out of sorts.
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Old 03-13-2015, 07:34 PM
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Hang in there getmeout your doing exellent some days dont go to plan but theres always a new day of
progress tomorrow your sober your here talking about it sorry the mtn wasnt great

if anything to help take your mind off things keep on interacting in other threads that always helps

or do you keep a journal or do you read ?
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Old 03-13-2015, 07:39 PM
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Originally Posted by soberwolf View Post
do you keep a journal or do you read ?
I do some reading everyday but I haven't kept a regular journal. I've written most of my thoughts here, or in emails to a handful of friends. I'm learning pretty quickly that most of those acquaintances have lost their patience with me. I may have no recourse but to keep my recovery to myself, at least in regard to those who already know me.
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Old 03-13-2015, 09:26 PM
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Hi GMO. I hope it's ok if I chime in. I'm usually hanging out in the friends and family section, but sometimes I peak in other forums because I want to understand. My xabf is in rehab right now. So, I guess I'm the angry ex girlfriend. Very angry some days. Here's what's going on in our heads. That is if she isn't also a recovering addict. All we want is normality. Normality for us means conversations, making plans, setting goals and generally going through the day with not even thinking about drugs and alcohol. We hoped that when you got out of rehab we could start over. We could finally have that "normal" relationship that we dreamed of. But it doesn't happen.

We lost you to addiction and now we are losing you to recovery. It's always going to be the third person in the relationship. She's probably thinking "can't you just recover and stop making such a big deal about it. You're clean, now just get on with it." Of course that's easier said than done.

In the family and friends of alcoholics forum, there is a thread called "what normies don't know" read some of those and you may understand her more. You say that you understand that you put her through a lot. But you don't know the toll it takes on us anymore than we can really understand what it means to be the addict.

Anyway, Congrats on turning your life aroundHope you find a good meeting
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Old 03-13-2015, 10:03 PM
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Considering that she's your ex-girlfriend and not a current love interest, the best thing you can do is apologise for your mistakes and move forward from here. You can't do anything about her resentments. Eventually in the steps you get to the part where you make amends to people you have harmed and by then she might be less resentful and more able to hear what you have to say.
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Old 03-14-2015, 12:56 AM
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I think that sometime people (our friends family etc) expect recovery to be like a tricky week / month / year, and then we can get back to normal and not have to worry about it.... And that's when they haven't heard all those promises before and are at the stage of 'yeah yeah', expecting to be made mug of. I know it' annoying when you're feeling like you're doing great and would like a bit of appreciation for your efforts. It just doesn't happen like that though. This is YOUR journey. Not theirs.

Sorry you felt that the AA meeting was a bit negative. Maybe try a few different ones. I know there is a definite different atmosphere at the different ones I've been to. I tend to go to the more upbeat and gratitude driven ones when I can. Remember, some of the old-timers are amazing fountains of knowledge, and some just think they are. Same as at any bar or family gathering. They'll be some folk you love, and others that'll make you bite your tongue, or excuse yourself for bathroom break. But AA keeps me sane and is a chance for recovery talk without driving my partner mad telling him stuff he doesn't 'get'.
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Old 03-14-2015, 01:49 AM
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Actually their is quite a lot you can do about her resentment if you approach it the right way. AAs 12 steps are one of the best examples of restorative justice to be found anywhere.

The first thing to note, as others have said, she is not going to be that interested in words. She's heard it all before. She will be much more interested in an extended demonstration of the principles you are now learning to live by. Action, not words.

This means first and foremost working through those steps thoroughly and honestly. By the time we pass step five, we are promised, a major change will have begun to happen to us. By the time we have worked through steps 6-8 we will be ready in every respect to go out and repair the damage we have done.

At this point it is wisest to work closely with a sponsor and plan your approach. The person we wish to approach should also be ready to sit down with us. We can't just barge into their lives to save ourselves. This step isn't about us, it's about them. They will tells us what the amends should be and set the terms of any meeting.

With my ex, the terms were that I had to sit down with her whole family to make my amends.

What happened from that was amazing. I went to her to ask her forgiveness and what I could do to make amends. I admitted my faults to her and the family honestly recognising that I had been in the wrong and hurt her (contrition) I undertook never to behave that way again (repentance) and I offered amends an whatever form she thought appropriate (restitution).

The result was that she forgave me, freeing her of her resentment. This lead to a reconciliation and restoration, not of the original relationship, but of trust in each other. She and her family have been good friends of mine ever since. It was the most helping thing I have ever experienced, and it forms part of the promises around step 9 page 84.
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Old 03-14-2015, 06:10 AM
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Thanks to those who responded. I think one thing that hurts most is my ex-gf saying that my alcoholism, and recovery, are becoming my identity. That's the one thing I don't want it to be. As I said to her, I just got out of rehab, on the heels of everything in my life being flipped upside down. I feel like no one trusts, or even likes, me, and for good reason. I can't have a private conversation with my kids, much less spend any time alone with them, and I know I earned this penance. I know there is no easy way out, and I feel pretty low and sad about it much of the time.

@Duckygirl
I'm glad you visited my thread to provide the perspective of a non-addict. As I said, I know I put her through the wringer, so her resentment is no surprise to me. She caught me hiding alcohol numerous times, and we split up over it numerous times. And what you said about her expecting (or hoping) that rehab would set me on the right track and everything would just click into place right away and I'd be all better is, I think, pretty close to the truth. It just doesn't happen that way, and I get impatient with it, too. I have serious doubts that she has any hopes of ever attempting a relationship with me again. I think it's likely damaged beyond repair, but we are still friends. When things were good, they were great, but when they were bad, they were devastating.

Gottalife said: "The first thing to note, as others have said, she is not going to be that interested in words. She's heard it all before. She will be much more interested in an extended demonstration of the principles you are now learning to live by. Action, not words."

This, I know, is very true. I've said to many people since returning from rehab that I'm sick and tired of talking it to death because so many have heard it all before. My words have lost their meaning. I know the proof will be in my actions but, as I stated before, even I get impatient with that process. What my ex-gf, and others, don't realize is that I want it to be over, too! And I want it right now! But I know it doesn't happen that way. I have admitted my faults and apologized profusely to everyone I know my drinking has affected, but it has not been an "official" meeting to make amends.

On the topic of AA meetings... I live in a small town and have joined an AA meeting here that is actually very good. I like it a lot and look forward to attending. The trouble is, it only meets once/week. The one I went to last night was in a neighboring city. I've been to it before and it used to be very good. In fact, many of it's members split off to form the local group I joined. Something has happened to it lately, though. The group dynamic has changed and feels strained. There are only a handful of meetings in my area. There is one other I haven't tried yet and plan to visit Monday evening. If all else fails, I'll drive an hour away to a larger city at least once/week. There are tons of meetings there.
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Old 03-14-2015, 06:28 AM
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Don't get too hung upon on the quantity of meetings. Meetings are great as far as they go but they are not the program. True that there are people who get sober on meetings alone, but what happens to them when they can't get to meetings?

The important stuf is done away from meetings. Step work, one to one time with a sponsor, learning to practice these principles in all our affairs which includes the twenty three hour s each day that we are not at meetings.

I know it looks like it will take a long time but in my experience, when we get our heads down and get on with it, God has a way of making it happen in the most surprising ways. And maybe the greatest feeling of all, even if all is not yet fixed, is to know inside that at long last we are on the right track.
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Old 03-14-2015, 08:51 AM
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I just wanna reiterate that regardless of anything your #1 goal needs to be your sobriety. The rest of the good stuff in life will be added to you so long as thats maintained.

I've come to realize good things come and good things go bad things come and bad things go so long as i stay sober however my over all well being is good for me and for those around me.
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Old 03-14-2015, 09:36 AM
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EX girlfriend????
Have ya started working the steps yet? Got a sponsor? Reading the big book?
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Old 03-14-2015, 09:47 AM
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KAD
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Originally Posted by tomsteve View Post
EX girlfriend????
Have ya started working the steps yet? Got a sponsor? Reading the big book?
Yes, to all the above. The ex-gf has been a friend for well over 20 years.
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Old 03-15-2015, 07:22 PM
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I paid a visit to my ex-gf today. It actually went very well and she was much more understanding and supportive this time around. She even went so far as to say that, in spite of my issues with alcohol, I have been a good father to my kids. She even went so far as to offer to vouch for my character if the new visitation schedule battle ends up in court. I hope it doesn't come to that, but it was nice to finally hear something positive.
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