tired of doing the right thing
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
Originally Posted by Boleo 
That's why I started working an "end of suffering" program.
My life was not only unmanageable as a result of my drinking, my feelings were unmanageable as a result of my not-drinking.
My life was not only unmanageable as a result of my drinking, my feelings were unmanageable as a result of my not-drinking.
lately I think i've been overwhelmed. and it makes me wonder if while I feel i need to take on less in life so i can handle things better I cant help but wonder if I need to take on even less then that so i can keep myself in check.
I realized a long time ago when i sobered up I was not superman and had to quit trying to be that. since then i've worked hard at simplifying my life. and just when I think i've made life easier I realize perhaps i still got work to do.
Recognizes the Beast
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: In the kitchen, cooking up a storm
Posts: 704
I hear you mate. Somedays I'm really down in the dumps, don't like my job, or my life. But I always ask myself if drinking would make my problems better or worse, and of course the answer is worse. I remember vividly, waking up with anxiety and panic of a hangover, the constant rushing to and fro of putting out fires, and the tiredness and weariness that never, ever seemed to abate, except when I had a drink.
So I know that I have problems now, but at least I can deal with them in a slow, deliberate manner, and as best I can. I still make mistakes, and sometimes I can get pretty down, but, as they say in the rooms, life is at least manageable now. But I totally get what you're saying. Keep your head up and better days will come your way.
So I know that I have problems now, but at least I can deal with them in a slow, deliberate manner, and as best I can. I still make mistakes, and sometimes I can get pretty down, but, as they say in the rooms, life is at least manageable now. But I totally get what you're saying. Keep your head up and better days will come your way.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
Originally Posted by nomis
I hear you mate. Somedays I'm really down in the dumps, don't like my job, or my life. But I always ask myself if drinking would make my problems better or worse, and of course the answer is worse. I remember vividly, waking up with anxiety and panic of a hangover, the constant rushing to and fro of putting out fires, and the tiredness and weariness that never, ever seemed to abate, except when I had a drink.
So I know that I have problems now, but at least I can deal with them in a slow, deliberate manner, and as best I can. I still make mistakes, and sometimes I can get pretty down, but, as they say in the rooms, life is at least manageable now. But I totally get what you're saying. Keep your head up and better days will come your way.
So I know that I have problems now, but at least I can deal with them in a slow, deliberate manner, and as best I can. I still make mistakes, and sometimes I can get pretty down, but, as they say in the rooms, life is at least manageable now. But I totally get what you're saying. Keep your head up and better days will come your way.
i'm tired now. but yeah your right. i was in way way way worse shape then. I had a hard time getting out of bed this morning. but i just rolled out. I didnt hit the snooze button or wish i had a revolver handy. I didnt wake up feeling like death this morning wishing i could just have another drink.
yeah it coulda been way way worse.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
not sure if this will work .. but something that I love very much.. so from one old Dear Heart to so many in a Dark place.. may this Mom or Mum hug you tight...
Rock Me to Sleep
BY ELIZABETH AKERS ALLEN
Backward, turn backward, O Time, in your flight,
Make me a child again just for tonight!
Mother, come back from the echoless shore,
Take me again to your heart as of yore;
Kiss from my forehead the furrows of care,
Smooth the few silver threads out of my hair;
Over my slumbers your loving watch keep;—
Rock me to sleep, mother, – rock me to sleep!
Backward, flow backward, O tide of the years!
I am so weary of toil and of tears,—
Toil without recompense, tears all in vain,—
Take them, and give me my childhood again!
I have grown weary of dust and decay,—
Weary of flinging my soul-wealth away;
Weary of sowing for others to reap;—
Rock me to sleep, mother – rock me to sleep!
Tired of the hollow, the base, the untrue,
Mother, O mother, my heart calls for you!
Many a summer the grass has grown green,
Blossomed and faded, our faces between:
Yet, with strong yearning and passionate pain,
Long I tonight for your presence again.
Come from the silence so long and so deep;—
Rock me to sleep, mother, – rock me to sleep!
Over my heart, in the days that are flown,
No love like mother-love ever has shone;
No other worship abides and endures,—
Faithful, unselfish, and patient like yours:
None like a mother can charm away pain
From the sick soul and the world-weary brain.
Slumber’s soft calms o’er my heavy lids creep;—
Rock me to sleep, mother, – rock me to sleep!
Come, let your brown hair, just lighted with gold,
Fall on your shoulders again as of old;
Let it drop over my forehead tonight,
Shading my faint eyes away from the light;
For with its sunny-edged shadows once more
Haply will throng the sweet visions of yore;
Lovingly, softly, its bright billows sweep;—
Rock me to sleep, mother, – rock me to sleep!
Mother, dear mother, the years have been long
Since I last listened your lullaby song:
Sing, then, and unto my soul it shall seem
Womanhood’s years have been only a dream.
Clasped to your heart in a loving embrace,
With your light lashes just sweeping my face,
Never hereafter to wake or to weep;—
Rock me to sleep, mother, – rock me to sleep!
Source: She Wields a Pen: American Women Poets of the Nineteenth Century (University of Iowa Press, 1997)
Rock Me to Sleep
BY ELIZABETH AKERS ALLEN
Backward, turn backward, O Time, in your flight,
Make me a child again just for tonight!
Mother, come back from the echoless shore,
Take me again to your heart as of yore;
Kiss from my forehead the furrows of care,
Smooth the few silver threads out of my hair;
Over my slumbers your loving watch keep;—
Rock me to sleep, mother, – rock me to sleep!
Backward, flow backward, O tide of the years!
I am so weary of toil and of tears,—
Toil without recompense, tears all in vain,—
Take them, and give me my childhood again!
I have grown weary of dust and decay,—
Weary of flinging my soul-wealth away;
Weary of sowing for others to reap;—
Rock me to sleep, mother – rock me to sleep!
Tired of the hollow, the base, the untrue,
Mother, O mother, my heart calls for you!
Many a summer the grass has grown green,
Blossomed and faded, our faces between:
Yet, with strong yearning and passionate pain,
Long I tonight for your presence again.
Come from the silence so long and so deep;—
Rock me to sleep, mother, – rock me to sleep!
Over my heart, in the days that are flown,
No love like mother-love ever has shone;
No other worship abides and endures,—
Faithful, unselfish, and patient like yours:
None like a mother can charm away pain
From the sick soul and the world-weary brain.
Slumber’s soft calms o’er my heavy lids creep;—
Rock me to sleep, mother, – rock me to sleep!
Come, let your brown hair, just lighted with gold,
Fall on your shoulders again as of old;
Let it drop over my forehead tonight,
Shading my faint eyes away from the light;
For with its sunny-edged shadows once more
Haply will throng the sweet visions of yore;
Lovingly, softly, its bright billows sweep;—
Rock me to sleep, mother, – rock me to sleep!
Mother, dear mother, the years have been long
Since I last listened your lullaby song:
Sing, then, and unto my soul it shall seem
Womanhood’s years have been only a dream.
Clasped to your heart in a loving embrace,
With your light lashes just sweeping my face,
Never hereafter to wake or to weep;—
Rock me to sleep, mother, – rock me to sleep!
Source: She Wields a Pen: American Women Poets of the Nineteenth Century (University of Iowa Press, 1997)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
ok you know it I need a tissue I used to read this to my 3.. Ivan the Terrible sick with diabets Barry not sure of himself now the Sgt Moose and my Melanie so far from home.. with silve coming in her hair.. and my Mom my best friend no matter what she knows yet to day to say Ardith Ann who are these strange people.. come take me away and we will be kids once again.. love to you all. ardy....
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
I've done a lot of reading of various things to help me deal. Its been beneficial. I cant say that its really solved anything in my life except made me feel better. if that makes any sense. I still have many of the same problems i did before etc.. i'm just more at peace with them etc..
"In this life - pain is inevitable - suffering is optional".
(unknown author)
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Hi zjw, sorry to hear you are having some issues. After reading through your posts, maybe you are putting too much pressure on yourself? Sounds like you have alot on your plate, but you don't have to give 100% to every single one of those issues. I always try and prioritize things, I have to. Then I start at the top and work my way down. It works for me, don't know why, it just does.
As far as feeling angry, a little down etc...I don't know where you live, but I'm in Minnesota and most people around here are starting to get a little pissed off. We call it cabin fever. We've cooped up for 5 months in our houses in cold and snow and it makes me ornery. Not saying that is your case, but it might have a little to do with it. In the end I'm glad you came here to "talk" and explain your issues. Bottom line as others have said, drinking won't fix any of it. You sound like a very smart guy, I'm sure you could convince yourself that drinking will help, but I'm pretty sure you know it won't. Hang in there zjw.
As far as feeling angry, a little down etc...I don't know where you live, but I'm in Minnesota and most people around here are starting to get a little pissed off. We call it cabin fever. We've cooped up for 5 months in our houses in cold and snow and it makes me ornery. Not saying that is your case, but it might have a little to do with it. In the end I'm glad you came here to "talk" and explain your issues. Bottom line as others have said, drinking won't fix any of it. You sound like a very smart guy, I'm sure you could convince yourself that drinking will help, but I'm pretty sure you know it won't. Hang in there zjw.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
Originally Posted by calikidd
Why do you think it is easy to do wrong, and hard to do right?
the reality is I'll drink to much. the cigarette will suck the energy out of me and the pizza will reside on my ass and leave me feeling crappy. All of it will be absolutly fabulous going down. But i'll be left with 2 new addictions and a growing waste line lack of energy etc.. the next day i'll wake up and have to decide if its easier to just do that all over again or easier to make the proper choices.
Making the right choices seems to offer me no relief I feel like its all seriousness all the time I dont get to screw around any more and do stupid stuff. its hard to be grown up sometimes!
I went for a run outside it was a nice change compared to the winter treadmill running i've been doing. it hit about 45 degrees out so far.
Now i gotta try and get motivated about doing my day job. Oh yes I logged on at 8am but i have yet to do much work and its 2pm now. Not good I know. but this is life this is my reality and this is a far better reality then I used to have I will say that.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Someone recently here on SR said that he/she realized that she/he does everything intensely. So part of the reason that person was an alcoholic was that they drank intensely, like they did everything else. That really resonated with me. When I decided to get sober, sobriety became my life. I was going to get healthy in mind, body and spirit and I was going to have short time line to get it all done, so I then could get on with "living life." At almost 18 months sober, I am getting that getting alcohol out of my life was only lifting a barrier to continuing on the mind/body/spirit thing in a productive way that most likely will take the rest of my life and then some. And that is okay. And it doesn't have to be done intensely. I can take time to smell the roses along the way. Are you giving yourself enough little, daily treats, zjw?? I make sure to get something that I absolutely love for lunch, at lease twice a week. I get magazines that I enjoy looking at and lay them by my bed so I remember to read them. I ride with the top down, even on days I have to put my seat heaters on. Be sure to take care of yourself in the small ways. They add up and help make the ride a little easier and more pleasurable!
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
sometimes all we got are our dreams....https://youtu.be/-dlE6gdB70o
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
dreams are funny. i got angry at my dreams for a while. I thought if i can never have them whats the use!! Screw the dreams!. now I find myself drifting off and dreaming about what could be or what not. I dunno if its healthy but it provides a nice exit from reality to sit around and ponder some fantasy dream even if all it'll ever be is something in my imagination.
It is sad however that life is short and somethings may never ever come about. some things will always simply just remain dreams while other things may indeed come to fruition.
I guess thats why its best to just concern myself with what is. Enjoy a nice dream now and then but not work myself up over it ever happening or not happening just allow it to be.
It is sad however that life is short and somethings may never ever come about. some things will always simply just remain dreams while other things may indeed come to fruition.
I guess thats why its best to just concern myself with what is. Enjoy a nice dream now and then but not work myself up over it ever happening or not happening just allow it to be.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
Soweto in South Africa would be a good place to visit.
I've been there.
Go sit with a 14 year old girl who is pack raped regularly by marauding gangs of drunken men.
Tell her the extent of your woes, trouble and suffering.
Visit the orphan village there too.
Literally thousands of little children, born as a result of the rapes, are cared for by charities.
Be sure to let them know how bad you have it too.
I've been there.
Go sit with a 14 year old girl who is pack raped regularly by marauding gangs of drunken men.
Tell her the extent of your woes, trouble and suffering.
Visit the orphan village there too.
Literally thousands of little children, born as a result of the rapes, are cared for by charities.
Be sure to let them know how bad you have it too.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Hey kiddo I was told as a child in northern wisconsin.. be a good girl listen to your elders be clean go to church and don't make your Daddy mad...
well I did it all sweetheart.. the oldest Grand Child Great Grand Child and oldest Cousin of 250..... everyone ran to my Pop on my every breath... never stepped out of line... I got married had 3 kids.. Husband was to be there for me and kids and be kind.. lie number One..... our oldest son got sick and I was blamed for not being a good wife Lie Number 2 he started sleeping around and beating us up.. Lie number 3 he would be kind..............divorce... worked my butt off as a Clown Mom any odd job I could do for back yet in the 1980's a lady could be staff but not something important.. met a man that wanted to be a CPA he had a good job apt car and life....Lie number 4 he was hooked on uppers .. tried to kill me to have all of my life with my children without me.....
Dreams my Clown Holly the Holiday Clown... mine just mine not like anyone else...
yep..... all 3 of my kids and about 20 of their friends have been in that costume at some point in time from the 1980's thro the 1990's.. Ivan makes a ton of money and does steam Punk. hahhaah he is so silly. . my son the Moose that is Sgt Moose.. trainer of young soldiers and has a medal for his valor in holding on to those kids.. my Melanie dreams her dream to have a nice house good job and marriage that would last.. well she did for 22 years and then he decieded he was gay from the beginning.. she has lost everything.... we have her cat.. well not everything as she is in London City the Financial District that helps keep the World spinning..
Dreams I stood in August 2008 in front of an IBM cube with my name on it.. when no one was around I cried... my name on an IBM cube ( Ivan Barry Melanie...) a dream that I had held tight for 25 years... well got to do that untill they took my job to India and my sons and daughter moved us from our apt to Ivans home... live there still...
Dreams in March of 2014 I got this job .. fought my ass off to keep it and get hired full time with benefits had that for 9 months... my job will go part time April 20th no benefits and very little money and I work in secure health care information...... Dreams Why do we do that from child hood on...
little girls dream of weddings and homes and families and life.. little boys dream of blowing stuff up and drinking and doing what they want.... seems like that business with Adam and Eve in the Garden is just that someones dream....
what do we really want what will really happen to that want... and will we live to see just a little of it..... so many of these big Stars have it all. and are never happy... and so many of us with so little are just as unhappy. and in the middle they want what the Stars have and don't want the little people below them to have anymore then they got...... balance I keep trying why because Son at 65 ******* years old I will Not Give up NO SIR... I scream in to the absy NO SIR>> NOT TODAY NOT TOMORROW NOT EVER.... so on my soap box....
I have met some grand people have lost a bunch of friends that in their leaving in the last few months have torn my heart out.... Dreams what do I dream...
that my Hubby is the apple checked smiling man that I met in March 23rd 1992 again.. and every time I look at my sick hubby I see just that the sparkling blue eyes the quik wit the fast horse the true love that it took me so long to find.. yep I am blind to the world for that messd up bit of spit is in a ton of trouble... all I want is to Dream of that Summer of 1992 and the laughter while I can.. sorry if I go on a bit.. but then that is an Old Lady Clown on a Soap box for you.. love and prayers and Kiddo never give up never say never no matter what ardy...
well I did it all sweetheart.. the oldest Grand Child Great Grand Child and oldest Cousin of 250..... everyone ran to my Pop on my every breath... never stepped out of line... I got married had 3 kids.. Husband was to be there for me and kids and be kind.. lie number One..... our oldest son got sick and I was blamed for not being a good wife Lie Number 2 he started sleeping around and beating us up.. Lie number 3 he would be kind..............divorce... worked my butt off as a Clown Mom any odd job I could do for back yet in the 1980's a lady could be staff but not something important.. met a man that wanted to be a CPA he had a good job apt car and life....Lie number 4 he was hooked on uppers .. tried to kill me to have all of my life with my children without me.....
Dreams my Clown Holly the Holiday Clown... mine just mine not like anyone else...
yep..... all 3 of my kids and about 20 of their friends have been in that costume at some point in time from the 1980's thro the 1990's.. Ivan makes a ton of money and does steam Punk. hahhaah he is so silly. . my son the Moose that is Sgt Moose.. trainer of young soldiers and has a medal for his valor in holding on to those kids.. my Melanie dreams her dream to have a nice house good job and marriage that would last.. well she did for 22 years and then he decieded he was gay from the beginning.. she has lost everything.... we have her cat.. well not everything as she is in London City the Financial District that helps keep the World spinning..
Dreams I stood in August 2008 in front of an IBM cube with my name on it.. when no one was around I cried... my name on an IBM cube ( Ivan Barry Melanie...) a dream that I had held tight for 25 years... well got to do that untill they took my job to India and my sons and daughter moved us from our apt to Ivans home... live there still...
Dreams in March of 2014 I got this job .. fought my ass off to keep it and get hired full time with benefits had that for 9 months... my job will go part time April 20th no benefits and very little money and I work in secure health care information...... Dreams Why do we do that from child hood on...
little girls dream of weddings and homes and families and life.. little boys dream of blowing stuff up and drinking and doing what they want.... seems like that business with Adam and Eve in the Garden is just that someones dream....
what do we really want what will really happen to that want... and will we live to see just a little of it..... so many of these big Stars have it all. and are never happy... and so many of us with so little are just as unhappy. and in the middle they want what the Stars have and don't want the little people below them to have anymore then they got...... balance I keep trying why because Son at 65 ******* years old I will Not Give up NO SIR... I scream in to the absy NO SIR>> NOT TODAY NOT TOMORROW NOT EVER.... so on my soap box....
I have met some grand people have lost a bunch of friends that in their leaving in the last few months have torn my heart out.... Dreams what do I dream...
that my Hubby is the apple checked smiling man that I met in March 23rd 1992 again.. and every time I look at my sick hubby I see just that the sparkling blue eyes the quik wit the fast horse the true love that it took me so long to find.. yep I am blind to the world for that messd up bit of spit is in a ton of trouble... all I want is to Dream of that Summer of 1992 and the laughter while I can.. sorry if I go on a bit.. but then that is an Old Lady Clown on a Soap box for you.. love and prayers and Kiddo never give up never say never no matter what ardy...
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
my dad worked a job he hated for 20+ years he was miserable at the end of his day he had a pention. I asked him why? why deal with that pain for 20+ years? he said he had a pention coming and kids life was happening he had to keep the income. In his situation he did at least have that pention I suppose to look forward too. I dunno how he did it however. I dunno how I do it and i dont have a pention. I just hope I dont wake up one day and go gee 20 years went by. Heck 20 years almost as to be honest. But only the last 12 or so have stunk in my field.
I guess get busy living or get busy dien. My wife and I are trying to conjur up some ideas to get me out of this job predicament. the solutions are going to be slow go and maybe it will all pan out and maybe it wont. Life will happen in between.
I'm trying to just be happy with what is. I do pretty good these days with just that.
But like i said in the begining of the thread. I'm tired is all. I'm too young to be tired. Others have many many more years then me under there belt. many would tell me buck up thats life etc.. I'm still tired.
I hope with the change of seasons I snap out of it. do go through this each winter it does sneak up on me. I just hope thats all this is. If anything I hope i can simply quit focusing on the "i'm tired" part and get back to focusing on right now and today etc..
It has been helpful reading everyone elses opinions. seems this is all normal.
I read somewhere we tend to wanna do things on our terms instead of lifes terms. I guess this is just lifes terms is all and I need to flow with it. For now i'm tired tommorrow maybe i wont be but then thats tommorrow. maybe its just another one of lifes ups and downs and I need to quit focusing so much on it.
I guess get busy living or get busy dien. My wife and I are trying to conjur up some ideas to get me out of this job predicament. the solutions are going to be slow go and maybe it will all pan out and maybe it wont. Life will happen in between.
I'm trying to just be happy with what is. I do pretty good these days with just that.
But like i said in the begining of the thread. I'm tired is all. I'm too young to be tired. Others have many many more years then me under there belt. many would tell me buck up thats life etc.. I'm still tired.
I hope with the change of seasons I snap out of it. do go through this each winter it does sneak up on me. I just hope thats all this is. If anything I hope i can simply quit focusing on the "i'm tired" part and get back to focusing on right now and today etc..
It has been helpful reading everyone elses opinions. seems this is all normal.
I read somewhere we tend to wanna do things on our terms instead of lifes terms. I guess this is just lifes terms is all and I need to flow with it. For now i'm tired tommorrow maybe i wont be but then thats tommorrow. maybe its just another one of lifes ups and downs and I need to quit focusing so much on it.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
It seems obvious to me that you are suffering from some degree of depression. This was mentioned earlier in this thread by FeelingGreat. I noticed that you did not respond to this idea directly. I think that you might get significant relief from the depression if you seek out of treatment. There's a lot that the mental health community can do to help.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
Originally Posted by awuh1
It seems obvious to me that you are suffering from some degree of depression. This was mentioned earlier in this thread by FeelingGreat. I noticed that you did not respond to this idea directly. I think that you might get significant relief from the depression if you seek out of treatment. There's a lot that the mental health community can do to help.
I know for a good while the depression was bad real bad. I think i drift in and out of it. I have my ups and downs its not as bad as it once was. Maybe i'd benefit by meds but I just refuse to take them and so I feel like no snese in seeing a doc if i wont take the meds. I question my choice sometimes. But until i'm sure i wanna take them I dont bother with it.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,352
Some of that is OK right? It is a huge accomplishment what you have done. Some people can't pull off one of those things let alone that many. Sometimes it's hard. A straight tantrum here and there would be reasonable. I would be wary of actually fantasy though. Talking it out sounds good. You posted something before about your family of origin and how they treat you. If I had known how much my upbringing had screwed me up I would have gotten a therapist. I honestly think you could benefit from some help dealing with the emotions you might have left over. It dogs you until you face it.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
There is something called seasonal affective disorder (SAD, go figure), I guess its a real thing. You might have it. But with no insurance and not wanting to take meds, I understand, and respect your decision. My doc used to have me on all kinds of crap, and I thought I was dying. I'm down to 2 pills that do actually increase my quality of life.
As far as the seasons go, for the last 11 months I have gotten out of bed no later than 6:30AM, these last 2 weeks, I have slept in until as late as 9AM on a couple of occasions. No idea why, just lack of motivation etc... My business will be starting up soon for the summer season and sleep will be a luxury.
As far as the seasons go, for the last 11 months I have gotten out of bed no later than 6:30AM, these last 2 weeks, I have slept in until as late as 9AM on a couple of occasions. No idea why, just lack of motivation etc... My business will be starting up soon for the summer season and sleep will be a luxury.
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