KAD

...is to stop hurting inside. I'm speaking of hurt of the emotional variety. I don't talk about this a lot precisely because it hurts so badly. It seems that everything is a reminder of my kids. I only get supervised visits with them for God knows how long. The ex-wife is running it through the court system right now to make the visitation schedule official. I do not blame her for wanting a period of supervised visits, but you'd have to spend just a little time with her to see how very malicious she can be. She revels in kicking people when they're down. An apology to her means perfect timing to deliver the knockout punch.

That's not even the part that hurts the worst, though. I'll have no choice but to deal the hand I'm dealt and be patient with the temporary visitation schedule, which she wants to last for a year. It's the emptiness in my heart where my girls are supposed to be that is so oppressive. I just spent time cleaning my house, which meant cleaning their rooms and each memory - and this house is full of them - feels like razors in my gut. It is a dangerous place for me emotionally, because at times it feels hopeless.

Just felt the need to unload that, for what it's worth.

LexieCat

GMO, this is one of those things you have no choice but to suck up. FWIW, I've seen many families healed (not marriages necessarily restored) with continued sobriety. I don't know your wife, or what she may have gone through, so I'll reserve comments on what her motives may be. You haven't been sober for two months yet, and it's awfully soon to expect everything to be OK.

Your girls aren't going to forget about you. Your relationship them won't be destroyed by a year's supervised visitation. Use this time to work on making yourself the kind of father they'll be proud to have--one with whom they'll feel safe; someone they can rely on. As your avatar says, "It's not going to be easy, it's going to be worth it."

KAD

I know it's too soon to expect everything to be OK, I'm just unloading some of the pain I feel. The load feels too heavy sometimes and I get tired of carrying it alone, even though it's my load to carry.

SunnyMe

Ah, GMO, I can't even imagine how much that must suck. I'm sorry.

airwick

Expressing how you feel is worth everything

Consider yourself to be lucky, your children were not banned from you
You can still be a memorable part of their lives.

Try to have a great day.

Hawks

Bank this pain, save it for a day you might find it useful.

Like the next time you think getting drunk might be a good idea.

I been there mate

The only thing that works is to get recovered.

Find a decent AA group and get plugged into the steps, sponsored etc.

It'll take away the pain and suffering and one day you'll be able to enjoy the kids unsupervised.

KAD

I think that might be something else that's eating at me today. I have a home AA group and a sponsor. He's been meeting me for Big Book studies every Sunday (it's only been 2 Sundays so far) but, for whatever reason, he's not today. I'm sure he has his reasons. I just kinda need it today.

awuh1

The "hurting inside" sounds like it might be connected to depression. You certainly have had some loss in regard to the separation from your girls and this could have caused depression or made it worse if it was there prior to the current situation.

Might be worth getting an evaluation. Treatment might make things quite a bit easier if depression is part of the problem.

KAD

I've spoken to my doctor about it before. I just don't wanna get put on AD's again. We went through 3 different kinds and they either made me feel worse, or made we wanna sleep all the time, or did nothing at all. In fact, frustration over all that preceded my last relapse. I got fed up with nothing working!

lycanlaz

relate to this totally, with the ex being malicious and restricted access to kids. and that emptiness where you're supposed to feel for them except you can't access it because even if you did it'd crush you yeah. explanations as to why she's being malicious don't do anything to soften the blow, and it doesn't help anyone. you're not alone.

LexieCat

Is there somebody else from your Home Group (or another group) you can call? It's always good to have phone numbers of people with solid sobriety. Sponsors have lives where other commitments sometimes make them unavailable. If you don't have them now, you might want to start collecting them.

I'm sorry for your pain. This is temporary, not a lifelong situation (provided that you stay sober, that is). You talked about the "emptiness in your heart where your girls are supposed to be." They ARE in your heart. You may have emptiness in your house at the moment, but not in your heart.

And Hawks is right--this pain you're feeling right now can be the engine that drives you on and keeps you motivated. I've often heard people talk about the "gift of desperation"--most people I know with long-term sobriety were blessed with that gift. Until the pain is big enough, most alcoholics don't have the willingness to make the massive changes that a sober life requires. Maybe this pain is exactly what you need, whether it feels that way right now or not.

KAD

Thank you. It does help to know someone gets where I'm coming from with this. Even though I know I screwed up and have to face the consequences, that knowledge alone doesn't do anything to lessen the pain, which can be downright crippling at times.

The ex and I were so out of touch with each other during the latter years of our marriage, I drank while she thought I had quit years before. When I finally confessed to God and everybody, she was befuddled because she had no idea. That's how "good" I'd gotten at hiding it. The bad thing about that is now, no matter how sober I act, people are suspicious I've just gotten even better at hiding it!

The ex remarried several years ago. Her new husband is the one supervising my visits with the kids. That's awkward enough but it would actually be much worse if she was the one doing it. He and I are actually very similar in temperaments and get along fairly well.

Eauchiche

"He and I are actually very similar in temperaments and get along fairly well...."

There you go, the silver lining in this cloud. You guys might even end up friends.

You are in recovery, which is a noble, wonderful thing.

I am a recovering codie, separated from my mate for a year, who is still active in alcoholism. I am feeling the pain of separation from the other side.

Hang in there, and keep coming back!

KAD

Well, my sponsor just called and is taking me to a meeting in a few minutes, so I guess I'll keep him.

Hevyn

Hi GetMeOut. I don't have anything to add, just want you to know I've been through similar hurtful family situations and I empathize. I hope it helps to talk things over here. You are never alone, my friend. Glad you are making it to a meeting.

Dee74

I'm sorry for your pain GMO.

D

Hawks

As Lexie said, a sponsor cannot be there 24/7

That's an unreasonable expectation, but I've been guilty of it too, so again, like Lexie said, I have ten other guys I can call now.

One of them will pick up.

You can expect things to improve by the time you get the 4th and 5th done, then begin the amends.

Soldier on mate, it ain't easy but it's worth it.

trachemys

Here, let me help you with that. I can carry some.

KAD

Please don't misunderstand I really don't expect a sponsor to be available 24/7. I was just in a bad way yesterday and wished he were available that afternoon, because I'm ready to really get into working the steps. I had just seen him and his wife at church and they even treated me to lunch afterward, so it isn't like I was totally "neglected." Sometimes I just get in a very low and sad mood. It's easy to do in my house, with so many reminders of my kids everywhere.

Aellyce

Great thread, GMO I am very glad to see that you are talking about all this, and that you seem to benefit from participation in AA so much now. It sounds like your sponsor is a responsible and caring person.

I agree with the others who suggested that you expand your support system, to make sure there are always resources available. I very much relate to the emotional attachment to one person who already knows a lot about you though, and with whom you already have a relationship. I'm the same way in many interpersonal contexts... the kind of mindset that the better/longer we know/trust each-other, the deeper it gets. I imagine that you will get a lot out of your step work as it progresses. But with time, it is indeed good to develop a little more unbiased approach, both for our own good and also because it's better not to overload anyone. So yeah go get those phone numbers and keep posting here Great job.