This is how it happens
Justme
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Ojai,Ca
Posts: 44
This is how it happens
I feel myself just kind of feeling like I'm a loser for not having plans. My friends are hanging out and I get that thought of well I'll just go hang out for an hour. The difference to night is I'm really thinking it through but I'm scared!!!! Today I have won this battle but what about next time?! Will I be strong, will I be able to remind myself of the consequences?? Please give me feedback or past experiences? Does this mean I'm just weak?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
My experiences...
Before sobriety, all my socialising and friendships were pub based. And ALL of my friends drank. Not necessarily heavily - and I would always try to drink like the more sane ones, but always ended up drinking too much, making poor choices, saying and doing things that left me hating myself (or at least angry with myself). If a social event came up that would drag me away from my local pubs, and hard drinking, then I would get resentful. Usually I would make excuses to avoid / just not turn up to social events that I wouldn't be able to get hammered at (including my friends wedding
).
When I stopped, I couldn't see how I could give up going to see them all. So I went to the pub as normal. And somehow I managed to stay sober, but I started to see those long conversations into the night differently. I started feeling restless sitting there after a couple of hours. I started feeling irritated at how, later on in the evenings, the conversations went round in circles, grew irrational, were self-centred and prone to wild-exaggerations. I especially got fed up with certain folk whose aim seemed to be to break my sobriety (never very subtly, and their attempts were almost funny at first, but it got SO tedious). Some people I even realised that I didn't much enjoy talking to any more, even if they WERE half sober, because my outlook on life was starting to change.
Gradually my visits have become less frequent, and shorter. This is difficult because my partner is still part of all that. Anyway, now, if there is nothing else happening I tend to come out just for an hour or so (early, so most people are soberish and there is some sanity to conversations). I enjoy a catch up and a natter with some sparkling water or mint tea, and then I toddle off to spend the rest of my evening doing something else. (Last night I drove there, with everything in the car so I could get the weeks grocery shop done while it was quiet, so I can do something a bit nicer with my Sunday daytime, and then phoned and ordered a curry, and then went for a stroll to go and collect it). The rest of my evening was chill time, but by then it was nearly 10 pm anyway.
If there is something specific happening - a birthday meal or a band that I like, then I adjust my plans accordingly. But my partner understands that at any point I might just whisper to him that I'm going off for a break, or going home, and he knows I'm not upset or angry about something and stomping off. It's just that I need my space and to get away from people who are starting to grate on my nerves. I carry my kindle in my bag, and try to make a mental note of any late cafes close by that I could go to just for a break if I don't actually want to go home yet. I tend to find that drunk people might miss me for the first five minutes, then they move on to something else, so no harm done.
This was, at first, a bit of a lonely business. But I have got used to, and now relish the time I get alone. Also, I have started to get a bit more active in various AA groups, so am getting to know people there better and really look forward to seeing a lot of them. I know that one group actually go out to a trendy cafe to eat after the meeting on Friday nights, but have never gone because I felt a bit shy about joining in. Maybe I should give it a go though. I've also started, gradually, to make new friendships that are not pub based. Some with people who I thought were boring when my whole existence completely revolved around drinking and the pub, but now see them in a different light. I've also discovered that I really do like spending time with, and chatting to my Mum. Something I've been depriving myself of for years, due to resentments from childhood, and HAVING to be in the pub all weekend.
It's taken a while for all this to happen (a year) and it's still changing, slowly and surely for the better.
Before sobriety, all my socialising and friendships were pub based. And ALL of my friends drank. Not necessarily heavily - and I would always try to drink like the more sane ones, but always ended up drinking too much, making poor choices, saying and doing things that left me hating myself (or at least angry with myself). If a social event came up that would drag me away from my local pubs, and hard drinking, then I would get resentful. Usually I would make excuses to avoid / just not turn up to social events that I wouldn't be able to get hammered at (including my friends wedding
).When I stopped, I couldn't see how I could give up going to see them all. So I went to the pub as normal. And somehow I managed to stay sober, but I started to see those long conversations into the night differently. I started feeling restless sitting there after a couple of hours. I started feeling irritated at how, later on in the evenings, the conversations went round in circles, grew irrational, were self-centred and prone to wild-exaggerations. I especially got fed up with certain folk whose aim seemed to be to break my sobriety (never very subtly, and their attempts were almost funny at first, but it got SO tedious). Some people I even realised that I didn't much enjoy talking to any more, even if they WERE half sober, because my outlook on life was starting to change.
Gradually my visits have become less frequent, and shorter. This is difficult because my partner is still part of all that. Anyway, now, if there is nothing else happening I tend to come out just for an hour or so (early, so most people are soberish and there is some sanity to conversations). I enjoy a catch up and a natter with some sparkling water or mint tea, and then I toddle off to spend the rest of my evening doing something else. (Last night I drove there, with everything in the car so I could get the weeks grocery shop done while it was quiet, so I can do something a bit nicer with my Sunday daytime, and then phoned and ordered a curry, and then went for a stroll to go and collect it). The rest of my evening was chill time, but by then it was nearly 10 pm anyway.
If there is something specific happening - a birthday meal or a band that I like, then I adjust my plans accordingly. But my partner understands that at any point I might just whisper to him that I'm going off for a break, or going home, and he knows I'm not upset or angry about something and stomping off. It's just that I need my space and to get away from people who are starting to grate on my nerves. I carry my kindle in my bag, and try to make a mental note of any late cafes close by that I could go to just for a break if I don't actually want to go home yet. I tend to find that drunk people might miss me for the first five minutes, then they move on to something else, so no harm done.
This was, at first, a bit of a lonely business. But I have got used to, and now relish the time I get alone. Also, I have started to get a bit more active in various AA groups, so am getting to know people there better and really look forward to seeing a lot of them. I know that one group actually go out to a trendy cafe to eat after the meeting on Friday nights, but have never gone because I felt a bit shy about joining in. Maybe I should give it a go though. I've also started, gradually, to make new friendships that are not pub based. Some with people who I thought were boring when my whole existence completely revolved around drinking and the pub, but now see them in a different light. I've also discovered that I really do like spending time with, and chatting to my Mum. Something I've been depriving myself of for years, due to resentments from childhood, and HAVING to be in the pub all weekend.
It's taken a while for all this to happen (a year) and it's still changing, slowly and surely for the better.
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