lycanlaz

I don't know where I've gone or who I am. My chest is a solid ball of fear. I was ******* blinding and now I feel like ditchwater. Feeling certain things I'm not allowed to specify because they're against the rules. I'm just one of those whiny dicks that used to annoy the absolute **** out of me, I'm a waste of goddamn space and I'm sick and tired of not being able to say it like saying it is just self absorbed melodramatic horsecrap and I'm so ******* angry at everything jesus I'm so ******* angry and I can't express myself in the way I want to. I should have been more assertive with the doctor. I don't know how to get out of this.

Gilmer

Can you go back to the doctor and lay it all out? Detail exactly what you're feeling, with enough vehemence to show the strength of the emotions you're struggling with.

AliWProk

Or give to us, here and now. Say it (within the rules, of course)! we will support you.

LionOfJudah

You are expressing what I feel sometimes. Always remember though, there IS a solution to any problem.

leviathan

ALWAYS be assertive with doctors. they see alot (makes more$) and go on autopilot frequently.

i now remind myself every visit-"i am the customer! i'm paying him/her."

Soberwolf

Dont panic and do not allow self pity to become part of your life

Make another apt & calmly speak with assertiveness

Good luck

Hevyn

I agree - make another appointment, or call your dr. & explain.

You are not a waste of space lycanlaz. We're glad you're here.

Dee74

If it helps why not write out what you want to say...you can either read it out or just give it to the Dr?

If you feel you're in crisis (or danger) please read and bookmark this link - there's a lot of resources for help there

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html

D

utopia

i can so relate, when ur body cant even begin to contain the RAGE! I needed extra help, singin, screamin, bashing a pillow.....running, movin,,,,,cold ice pack on my chest seems to help calm me a bit

AliWProk

lycanlaz, how are you today?

lycanlaz

had a long conversation with an online friend who pointed out a whole bunch of problems i was entirely oblivious to about the way my ex gf was behaving and apparently i've been in an extremely abusive relationship for the past four years and didn't have a ******* clue haha i am a gigantic mug like she met me when i was really strong and told me the first thing she was attracted to in me was that i was the first person she couldn't make do what she wanted by batting her eyelashes. then over time she pushed and pushed until she broke me into little pieces taking the **** out of me and passing it off as regional humour making me feel like i was overreacting. then we'd have arguments and i'd dissociate and she'd stand there destroying me verbally like ripping the absolute guts out of me while i couldn't respond to anything like reducing me to less than nothing and then afterwards laying on the affection like and she'd tell me i was the ******* abusive one. getting me to get out a ten grand loan and i don't know where most of it went then giving me crap when i was uncomfortable about money use, going out on holidays with her ex bf... and this is a small snapshot.. like she was so loving and affectionate the rest of the time and then.. she's like destroyed me and keeps doing it every time she convinces me she's the bright centre of the universe and reels me back in even as a friend then she ends up ruining me...

i'm drunk anyway. called the detox centre. they've asked me to come in on monday for an assessment. yelled at me nicely for not drinking enough through the withdrawals and said we would do it properly.

WritingFromLife

I just private messaged you, Lycanlaz. Read the article on the link I sent you regarding Word Salad, especially. This is manipulating, gaslighting & hovering at it's best from what you say your g/f has done.

AliWProk

lycanlaz, I'm glad you;re back. Keep coming back. Take care of yourself.

utopia

keep coming back

IOAA2

Hi. I also strongly suggest seeing your doctor again AND being totally honest.
Nuf said.

BE WELL

lycanlaz

yeah I'm going into detox on monday hopefully, got an assessment at the centre and they should put me in. was all set for just drinking steady to keep away the shakes this weekend but this morning i got a message from my ex gf's ex bf... the other one... they're still good mates, ripping me to shreds. tells me she's started drinking again this week since i last saw her. five years sober and she's relapsed. and it's my fault. i didn't argue with him just replied like told him what was going on but ultimately called myself worse that **** because what else am i supposed to say. she has three days of drinking and her mum and her aunt and this guy are there babysitting her which you know is great i'm glad she has that sort of support ready to sit there with her you know everyone should have that but it's nice getting a message from him telling me how amazing she is and how **** i am and how this is my fault.

so i'm here. months of drinking on my own. no one sitting here with me while i am on the floor, holding my hand telling me how amazing i am and how it's going to be okay, no i'll just keep playing the victim and down a bottle of bacardi i mean it's alright because i'm the one who's causing all the issues anyway i suppose i should play up to it.

sorry i know i'm being incredibly sarcastic and i'm being a **** i don't know how else to react to this. i was shaking when i read those messages. not because of the alcohol.

AliWProk

Delete the messages, and focus on yourself. You are not responsible for someone else's relapse. Monday you will begin your recovery. It will work if you want to stop. Much love to you. Thinking of you today.

lycanlaz

thanks, i know i don't know you guys and i've only been posting here a couple of days and i kind of feel like the angry whiny drunk guy in the corner who keeps complaining (like you guys are more entitled to legitimate stress) but it means a lot

Soberwolf

Were totally here for you Lycanlaz it will get better

AliWProk

Truly, we care. You need support; you're in the right place. Keep coming back.