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I am his second love,

Old 03-05-2015, 06:35 AM
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I am his second love,

I am an alcoholic, married to a drinking alcoholic. When we both drank I thought I was his first love. When I quit drinking I realized I was his second love. Everything in his life revolves around his drinking. This is so strange to me. I guess it was always like this, but when I was drinking too, I did not see it. We can't do anything in the evenings, because that is his drinking time. We can't do anything in the mornings, because he is to shaky. I find I do more and more on my own, because he is always busy with his first love. I am coming to terms with this. I thought I would share for others who find themselves in the same place, or maybe those who go on drinking hurting the ones that love them so much. Another good reason to never look back. Being sober has given me a life that is so much better, but it has also brought up some feelings that have been hard to deal with. Thanks for letting me rant. I know you all are always here for me. Big hugs
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Old 03-05-2015, 06:38 AM
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Hugs back to you, hunt. I hope that your husband has that 'aha' moment that changes everything for him, for you.
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Old 03-05-2015, 06:45 AM
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That is so tough Hunt.

I am not sure if this will help, but my husband helped plant the seeds for sobriety in me. It took me awhile to come around, but your husband may come along as well.
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Old 03-05-2015, 06:57 AM
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My husband was getting sick of our drinking long before me. Now we lead a very happy sober life together. Give him time and continue your great example. That being said, I understand your feelings or sadness. My extended family are heavy drinkers and/or alcoholics and my relationship with them has changed drastically. I feel a mix of sadness that they can't see the light and a misplaced guilt of sorts for needing to change and being different than the person that they have always known. I am definitely experiencing grief over this.
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Old 03-05-2015, 07:07 AM
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That sounds really difficult. I have a similar situation with my best friend, which is obviously not nearly as hard to deal with as a husband but it still sucks.

Once I quit drinking I realized how much his life was controlled by alcohol. He doesn't see any need to quit despite it affecting his life in every way. He blacks out often, he is gaining weight fast, his relationships suffer, his health will start deteriorating though it's relatively stable now as he is in his 20s.

I used to think I would never in a million years be the kind of person to push sobriety on people, and I still am not. Everyone has to come to things at their own time. It's just hard being in a social circle with so many alcoholics.

I really feel for you. That sounds really tough. Congrats on quitting!😊
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Old 03-05-2015, 08:40 AM
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(((Hunt)))
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Old 03-05-2015, 08:43 AM
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I hope that he sees in your recovery the person he wants to be.

((Prayers))
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Old 03-05-2015, 09:14 AM
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I hope he comes around, I put my wife and son through the same thing, I was always too busy drinking or doing something I could do while drinking instead of doing things as a family.
Thankfully she stayed around when I basically ignored her and I still can't figure out why.
I wish I had a answer or solution for you because I know how I made my wife feel and it's probably how you feel right now.
Hang in there, if I quit I bet he can too.
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Old 03-05-2015, 09:21 AM
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that must be a really difficult situation to navigate. But congrats to YOU and YOUR sobriety. I hope your hubs sees how awesome it is and decides to join you on that path.
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Old 03-05-2015, 09:57 AM
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Hi.
This is a part of the disease as I was also self centered and functioned as if alcohol was my best and closest friend. I could only stop when I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.

For you I suggest the forum Friends and Family on this site and also eyeball meetings of Al Anon who some of my closest friends attend and I refer to as my Black Belt family extension. Get used to the fact that you probably won’t like all they have to say but they usually hit the bulls eye.

BE WELL
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Old 03-05-2015, 10:08 AM
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I just wanted to give you a big hug back. I have walked in your shoes. IOAA made some good suggestions if you have not already done so.

(((((hugs))))
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Old 03-05-2015, 10:55 AM
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Same here - except, my OH only hits it Fri - Sun. I'm busy forging my own weekend existence. Thank God for AA meetings. Lots of friends there to keep me sane.

Whenever I get too disappointed I do try to remind myself that I did exactly the same for decades, but it's still a bit sad sometimes. xx
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Old 03-05-2015, 10:56 AM
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Same here - except, my OH only hits it Fri - Sun. I'm busy forging my own weekend existence. Thank God for AA meetings. Lots of friends there to keep me sane.

Whenever I get too disappointed I do try to remind myself that I did exactly the same for decades, but it's still a bit sad sometimes. xx
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Old 03-05-2015, 11:21 AM
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It's beyond human power to replicate the effect of alcohol.

It's not you vs booze in a "love battle "........ Just think "how did drink make you feel? " and has any human ever replicated that feeling for you?

Never did for me.

Booze had more power than any person to influence how i felt.

Hence the first step of al anon.
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Old 03-05-2015, 11:56 AM
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HuntDear snooches.
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Old 03-05-2015, 03:48 PM
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Do you think he could stop?

I thought your post was really thought provoking, a little bit sad but also uplifting that you seem to be forging a life for yourself.

You also seem to have a lot of empathy with your husband in terms of how your lives together are impacted by this? I can understand that.

What would you like to see happen in the future and is there a chance it could happen?

Always know that there are people here at SR that understand.

I wish you the best xx
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Old 03-05-2015, 06:38 PM
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Thank you all for your replies. I wanted to share not only to help others, but to vent a little. I love my hubby very much, I am just coming to terms with my place in his life. He seems to have no desire to quit, but you never know. Maybe one day. Anyway, thanks again. You all are great.
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Old 03-05-2015, 06:49 PM
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Please accept some gentle hugs from a girl who's been there, hunt.
xoxo
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Old 03-05-2015, 07:09 PM
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Alcoholism sucks. Plain and simple. It hijacks your mind. It destroys your relationships with family and friends. And given enough time, it kills you. Hunt im sure this nothing you don't know already. And im really sorry for your pain in dealing with this. But one thing is for certain, we are here for ya. Hang in there, god has a plan.
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Old 03-05-2015, 07:42 PM
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I am sorry for your situation. I'm glad I got sober so I'm not putting my kids thru that grief anymore.
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