soberbythesea

So, as some of you may know if you remember me, I am the recovering alcoholic in my family... not my husband. When I quit drinking 2.5 years ago we made a deal. I said I was fine with him keeping alcohol in the house and fine with him continuing to drink, as long as he didn't expect me to be directly around when he was doing it (for example, if he is having a beer in the basement while he watches TV, I usually go upstairs.)

Last night he had a bunch of drinking buddies over (there really is no other word for these people. They are perfectly nice guys, but ridiculous drinkers.) We all watched the hockey game together -- I even hung around until it was over despite the fact that they were drinking beer; things hadn't gotten crazy at that point and I felt OK being around them. Then I said good night to them and went to bed around 11.

This morning I woke up and found vomit flecks all over the sink and cabinets in our bathroom. It was the upstairs bathroom, so I knew it had to be my husband and not one of our guests. I asked him about it and he said he threw up because he was too full and had too much popcorn and wings.

The wings were at lunch, at least 12 hours before he threw up, and i know he only had medium sauce, so they weren't crazy spicy or anything. I told him I thought that explanation was a little farfetched and he said, well, maybe the beer had something to do with it, but I wasn't that drunk.

I really don't think I can deal with being in an environment where he is drinking until he throws up. His moderate drinking at home has always been fine, but this incident has me kind of upset. I don't think I can be in a place where I wake up and find dried vomit.

Any thoughts? Am I overreacting? I realize I might be, but wanted to hear some other people's take on this.

Thanks.

trachemys

Once upon a time, you were sick. If he is now, can you have compassion?

soberbythesea

Absolutely. But I have to put my own recovery first. I can't live with someone who is in denial about an active issue of heavy drinking. Especially when that person has told me that if I ever drink again, our marriage is over. I don't know how I can be expected to adhere to that if we're in a place where he's drinking until he pukes in the sink.

biminiblue

Well, what is your boundary going to be, then? You already backed down on your previous boundary of not being around it, so draw a line in the sand that you are not willing to have crossed. It's a difficult line to draw.

"I will not stay if you throw up again"?

"I will not stay if you drink more than X number of drinks"?

"I cannot live with a drinker"?

Pick a boundary. If he hasn't gotten throw-up sick before, he's pretty lucky.

Your feelings and fears are valid, but this sounds like a one-time thing.

Wholesome

My bf puked in the sink last week because he was sick and it pissed me right off! I thought it was the most foul thing ever and that he should have cleaned it right up so I didn't have to deal with it.

Could this episode with your hubby be a one off? Doesn't sound like he regularly drinks himself sick.

soberbythesea

You guys are probably right. This is maybe the third time he's gotten vomit sick in all our years together, so it's not something that happens often...hence my initial comment that I might be overreacting.

I guess it was just my gut reaction. Thanks for bringing me back to earth a bit.

anattaboy

I'd still show him to the cleaning supplies..like now.

trachemys

Time to draw lines in the sand.

soberbythesea

Actually, no. I didn't explain all the details of our agreement in my prior post. Another thing we agreed on, and have stuck to for 2.5 years, was that I was ok with him drinking around me in situations where there were other people around. We thought it would be too weird in those kinds of situations for him to have to explain why he wasn't drinking, and too restrictive for him not to be able to drink at parties when I was with him, etc. I never said I wasn't going to be around it ever, and last night, being that we had people over, was one of those situations where I don't mind making an exception.

It may sound weird to other people, but this balance has worked pretty well for us, at least until now. But I think you guys are probably right that this is most likely a one-off.

SoberLeigh

^^^ This.

It seems that your husband drew a very clear line in the sand with your drinking. It is okay for you to do the same but I hope you can draw that line based on something other than what is hopefully a one-time event (that is, I hope you wouldn't draw the line and leave your marriage based on the event).

Having said that, you might want to let him know that vomitting in the sink is not behavior you can live with.

soberbythesea

Yeah fair enough. I appreciate everyone's feedback.

zjw

my wifes out of town dealing with a dieing family member while i'm home with the kids who are sick and its just been a terrible week for me taking care of them. Its also been horrible for her. she mentions last night that shes going to smoke dope. what can i say? does it make me happy nope. But shes not the one with the problem I am. she never abuses stuff like that or uses it regularly IE this would be the first time in years for her.

So i have to ask myself am i jealous of her? yeah I guess sortof. But I know i cant get angry at her. shes dealing with some tough stuff herself right now. it hasnt been easy on any of us. How i feel at the moment when she mentions this that GRRR i cant believe shes gonna do that while i'm dealing with these kids (that that feeling) is probably how she felt all those years when i was **** drunk and she was stuck dealing with whatever I wouldnt know I was **** drunk.

I'd say cut him some slack show him the cleaning supplys like others have said even politely tell him your concerns but dont get too frustrated about it or at leastallow him to see it.

zjw

also keep being the good example that goes a long way as well.

soberbythesea

Yeah, I see your point. Thanks for sharing your situation. You're probably right that there is a little bit of resentment/jealousy there, but like you said, that's my problem, not his.

He certainly dealt with enough while I was drinking -- and I can appreciate that. I stay sober for us both and it's for us both that I want to make sure things don't go downhill again.

But like everyone else has already said, this is probably a one-time thing.

SoberLeigh

By the way, it is nice to see you, soberbythesea.

soberbythesea

It's good to see you guys too

leviathan

the one-off thing is prob the best way of thinking about it. hell, if i could drink to the point of puking once or twice a year, id still be doing it. if theres no casualties, then no big whup for me-someone just overdid it.

while i say this, i also have a limited amount of patience with those that are intoxicated. i find it amusing until they get in my face with the repeating stuff. also, in a party situation there is that point when everyone starts practically yelling that i find myself needing "breathing" breaks outside.

there is a real difference between being mad at a drinker depending on my reason. if its only because i no longer do it and just wish i could just join in...well that's a red flag, IMO. if its because the drinker is negatively affecting their life, then thats a whole different story.

bunnezjp

It'd **** me off, too. Hope he cleaned up his mess.

Bunnez

Nevertheless

You went to bed around 11 and didn't realize anything was wrong until you saw where he threw up the next morning. In other words,if he wouldn't have thrown up. There really wouldn't be any big deal?
The real problem is he got drunk,threw up and was too drunk to clean it up.
I'm sure he knows he screwed up,or perhaps he doesn't even remember it.
I have no idea if your over reacting or not,because I have no idea how far you are taking it. But I think a day or 2 in the doghouse is in order,and then get on with life. If he got drunk enough to throw up,I'm sure like we all know. He is not feeling to "chipper" today anyway.
Also,I am only speaking for myself. But I am an alcoholic,and used to get fallin down drunk all of the time,and never threw up. The only time I remember throwing up was in my early days of drinking. Once I was hooked (which didn't take long for me) it never happened again.
Just my opinion
Fred

Dee74

Hi SBTS

My Dads is not an alcoholic but I can remember 2 occasions (in 50 years) when he was sick through over drinking - both times was with old mates...trying to be teenagers again and failing miserably.

You know your husband better than any of us do, but that is what immediately came to me.

(Interestingly, my dad and his mates are now in their 70s...and they no longer try to be teenagers )

Where you draw the line is up to you. I would definitely be handing your hubby the cleaning stuff tho

D