sleepie

Hi again. Sorry to post so much.

I was hoping to illustrate what I struggle with when I am at a certain point of abstinence from alcohol.

Many here speak of anxiety. I have suffered this my entire life also. I may be hardwired for it as I live with a neurological disorder.

Anxiety for me manifests in a lot intense fear and unhappiness over my physical appearance. I am pretty sure this has something to do also with having been brutally ostracized and bullied growing up all the way until I was nearly 19. I was very much singled out for being ugly. I was abused and also humiliated by my parents and family. A lot of focus was on my looks and I was reduced to tears over it many times by my parents while they laughed, and they would get my siblings to laugh at me too while I cried.

After I am sober for awhile, I get obsessive about my appearance. I have high myopia and have always been very ashamed of it. I wear contacts most of the time but sometimes have to go out in my glasses and people always comment on how high my prescription is. I suffered a hair pulling disorder for 20 years too and it destroyed my self esteem.

I get really anxious and irritable and start obsessing over all of it. I get intense shame over being an ugly misfit with a learning disorder and start feeling bad about being in public and very, very unhappy and nervous.

Drinking took care of all of that. I was ugly, but didn't care. Anxiety meds helped but of course those are just as bad.

Anyway, I don't really expect anyone to relate to any of this. I'm just casting it out there. I have been very alone in these and other ways for a lifetime and it's really worn me out.

Fly N Buy

Hi Sleepie!!

Sounds like you had it tough, sorry.......When our parents destroy us it's especially painful.

Sleepie - I have not read your history, but have you sought outside counsel to assist with your feelings? You got a rotten deal, maybe outside therapy would be helpful??

Glad you with us here - keep working - YOU are so worth it!
FlyN

sleepie

I tried therapy but, having two jobs in order to afford it fed the stress and resulted in more anxiety, which resulted in more hair pulling... a cycle. And, I have had really bad therapists. One even lost her job for getting inappropriately involved with clients. I had another refer to me as "deficient" after I told him of the learning disorder and he looked at my tests. He then refused to apologize after I was in tears over it. I don't deal with therapists anymore.

zjw

that sucks. Others should hear what you have to say so they can know how it affects people over the long haul. Its not right.

I have anxiety and issues but for various other reasons. Some simlier to yours some not. In the end I also feel very much alone to handle my own stuff. I wish someone could jump inside of me and deal with it for me. Or give me whatever magic they seemingly got that i dont have. The reality is it seems everyones got issues and no one can really do squat for us other then offer a shoulder to cry on or a hand to hold etc.. Some unconditional support always helps but its still up to us in the end to push through the tough stuff. At least this is how i feel.

I had to stop caring what others thought about me. I had to start realizing that what they thought of me was generaly just a reflection of whatever was going on inside fo themselves. A really revealing one at that if you learn how to dicern it when you see it. A lot of times you can start to see just how sad other individuals states are and have some compasion for them even tho they may be doing you wrong. It doesnt mean you have to do anything for them or something but you can be mindful of the fact that they clearly have some issues and possibly worse ones then yours. Its too bad they handle it in such a harmful way to others but it is what it is.

I hope it gets easier for you. Try not to beat yourself up over it so much a lot of what you decribed seems to be everyone elses issue just try not to make it yours too.

I'm sure you could find some choice things wrong with these folks too hey for starters how they treat others leaves something to be desired. See they have there issues.

Bethany57

So sorry for all you are going through. I can tell you I do relate to some of what you said. The learning problems, the glasses, the hair pulling. I had all that when I was younger. I still do suffer from anxiety - I have learned to live with it. So sorry your parents were not there to protect you. My dad used to make fun of me and it cut to the core....really hurt. My parents are deceased now and I realize maybe it was his own issues---his own hurt that he was dealing with so he took it out on me. I have forgiven. Do you have any hobbies sleepie? I can tell you what helped me. I have a hobby and I became very involved in it--joined a club with others who have the same passion. I am very good at it. I actually was able to help others in the hobby who were way smarter than I - very successful - get started and help them. Just a thought.

trachemys

Don't be sorry to post. That's the reason SR exists.

My parents were ill equipped for raising me. Not much to be done about it now. All I can do is go forward better prepared for life. So, don't look back. Face forward. Live now.