Drinky

I would give anything to go back in time to when I was 17 and stop myself from taking that first sip of alcohol. But how could I have known that I was starting a chain of events that I would carry with me forever? When I was little my mom dragged me to her AA meetings and I hated them!! I swore I would never ever drink that nasty stuff and end up at AA!! Ha... so much for that.

I have been through so much pain and suffering, I have done shameful things that still haunt me as I'm trying to fall asleep at night. I have told myself over and over that it was the last time but it never is. I've lost boyfriends, a fiance, friends, I've seen my grandma throw herself on the floor screaming and crying because I came home drunk again. I have been pulled over and arrested for DWI, been to jail twice, gone into debt, switching liquor stores to hide my habits, hiding bottles (soooo many bottles) humiliated myself time and time again and all because I can't resist that initial buzz that makes me feel so good. I came here in hopes that someone could understand what I have been through and am still going through.

I fell off the wagon last night and indulged in a 6 pack all by my lonesome.. which I do whenever my husband goes out of town because it's the only time there's no one around to judge me for the drinking. And of course, as it happens every time, I have to get up and go to work hating myself and praying that my husband doesn't find out what I did. I'm so tired of the guilt and shame, and I am sorry to say that most people who know me have encountered 'drunk me', at one point or another, and so there's not even anyone I can hide this from. I feel isolated and ashamed. I know I have said it before many times but I never want to drink again and I am going to try so hard to remember how I feel today.

Nonsensical

Welcome to SR. Many of us know the agony of being hooked on the liquor. You're in the right place for support and help.

least

Welcome to the family. I'm glad you joined us.

brynn

Welcome drinky!

You'll find so much support and encouragement here. Three months ago I was in your shoes...sick of the guilt and shame and all the awful consequences of my drinking. With the help of the people on this site I found a way to stop drinking for good and reclaim my life! Sobriety can be yours, too, if it's what you truly desire.

Jupiters

welcome drinky
you found a safe place and a great place for encouragement and support.

I remember those feelings very well...the guilt, remorse and utter shame. The inability to stop but the yearning to all at the same time. I also have 2 DUI's and have spent some time in jail (last summer), was hiding my wine bottles in my underwear drawer!! (like??) thinking my BF wouldn't find them...I stopped buying glass bottles and even switched to cartons so he wouldn't hear the clanging. I don't even remember most of my 20's to be honest.

you don't have to live this way. It can get better.

Drinky

thank you, brynn i do want sobriety more than anything.

biminiblue

Are you ready to stop, starting today? Make this your Day One?

It's a simple decision, and if you make it we are here - 100% behind you. Take back your life. You'll never regret it.

Drinky

thanks for sharing that, jupiters, I am guilty of the same thing!

Drinky

biminiblue--yes I am ready for this to be day 1!!

JensDestiny

Near the end of my drinking, I was hiding bottles all over the place. When it was all over, I had filled a couple of large trash bags full of empty vodka bottles that I had stashed here, there, and everywhere.

I know the shame and guilt that you are feeling. Been there, done that... bought the shirt. It gets better in time; you just have to make the decision to stop once and for all. Wishing you the best!

zjw

you know growing up being an alcoholic had such a dirty badness about it etc.. mom would be oh that one yeah he's an alcoholic. that dirty guy over there on the corner he's drunk he's an alcohlic. Oh there father yeah he left he's a no good alcoholic. No one ever tells you the other side of it along the way. we hear about all this /bad/ stuff.

I new one guy oh he was an alcohlic ya know people would mumble under there breath that sorta thing. He was also my confirmation sponser a local business ownder and a standup individual just struggling through life like anyone else. God bless his soul becuase had it not been for me meeting him I dont think I woulda ever had any sort of hope for AA or getting help from some other "horrible" alcoholic.

In the AA meeting I go to there is one women she brings her kids. and other kids of hers run the town while shes there. she never says a word. then she spoke up one evening said she was a single mother of 5 and it was just so hard etc.. My heart went out for her she was working so hard etc.. and doing a good job of it despite her obstacles.

My point is the good side of all of this is your mom DID drag you to her AA meetings. There does not have to be this dark tinge of OH NO I DRANK i must be a horrible person. The bright side is she took you. Your here now looking for help. You realize you have an issue. Be thankful you wanna fight the good fight and work to remain sober. You could be far gone but your not.

I dunno reading yoru post makes me glad your mother took you to AA. It reminds me of my confirmation sponsor and that he was an alcohlic I learned so much from him.

Its not all bad Dust yourself off and keep on trucken its no biggie.

Boater62

Drinky I think you know the answers to your questions. Normal drinkers don't tend to have plans or rules regarding their alcohol use, and they feel no need to keep it a secret. They also don't obsess about when they get to have the next drink.

I controlled my drinking until I didn't, and finally couldn't.

You may be able to drink moderately, I don't know, but there's no downside to trying sobriety and see how you feel. Best wishes.

Jupiters

you can change this.
so glad you found us here.

Drinky

Boater62-- unfortunately I don't think I can handle moderate drinking. I tell myself I can, but then before I know it, Bam! drunk!

brynn

Well done on making this day one! I have never regretted my decision to quit!

Jupiters

I have tried to moderate so many times over the years. I was a binge drinker, so had weeks in between my drinking (at times) ...and always fooled myself into thinking I could moderate. Maybe I could now and then stop at 2 glasses, but that didn't last for very long. Inevitably, I always ended up right back where I started, actually...no. I ended up WORSE off than where I started.
Hence, the TWO DUI's. Apparently, I like to learn my lessons the hard way.
Not anymore.

Boater62

I told you you already knew the answers to your questions. You knew them before you posted.

Drinky

jupiters-- i should have 2 or 3 DWI's, but i managed to pull over and call a ride and the other time I slid over to the passengers seat before the cops found me. i am not proud of any of it, but it really helps me to talk about it with people who understand. sometimes when the guilty thoughts creep in i think about what would have happened if i had killed someone with my buzz driving. ((shudders)) but after going through the ordeal of probation (meanest probation officer EVER) and peeing infront of the officer every month no freaking way am I going through that again.

Drinky

ZJW-- i am glad you brought up the stigma of being one of "those people". the people who don't know what it's like to live with this horrible thing have no earthly clue how hurtful it is to be labeled a pathetic drunk or low life. the other day i saw a joke on FB, it was about a lady who did good all her life but when she got to heaven she thought she was in Hell because there were alcoholics there. Is this the norm for people to think of us? that we don't belong in heaven because we're alcoholics? it makes me want to cry. i'm not one of those people who can keep the same 6 pack in the fridge for months at a time and only drink socially and stop after 2. i know i will never be that person. i'm not asking for sympathy but i do wish people would understand that this is an affliction and it takes hard work and dedication for me just to make it through a month without drinking. i know i can do this, and now that i have this community maybe i will succeed this time.

zjw

Yeah people are funny like that. I can see the look on peoples faces when they hear something like "oh he's an alcoholic" that gee oh how sad etc.. I could just as easily discuss there weight and dietary choics and go gee oh how sad etc... Everyones got there problems. For us one of them is drinking wooptie.

I look at it like this. Some people can eat all the cake they want and not get fat. Other people blow up like a baloon. The people that eat all the cake they want and not get fat might have a host of other issues that the fat people do not have etc.. Does it mean the cake eaters that get fat should be locked way and put in some institution or something? Do they require some kinda special pill? maybe we should investigate there gentics and try to explain all this. Or maybe they can go gee if i eat cake i get fat I guess i wont eat cake its a problem for me.

I cant drink and not have issues. So its easier for me to just not drink. There is not something "wrong" with me its just how I am. Its how I'm wired. I'm ok with that. It took me a long time to be ok with that. I spent a lot of time going THIS IS NOT FAIR how come He can drink and I cannot how come it works out for them and not for me. etc.. I tried all sorts of tricks to make it work for me. None ever worked out. the solution? not to drink.

When people get like this its best to just ignore them. If they want to label and view us in such manor thats there own dillusion. Allow them to enjoy it all by themselves its best to not jump in and validate it with them etc...

I sometimes think to myself how its interesting I was always told not to hang out with that crowd and well all my life I hung out with 'that crowd' and here i am sober and i'm still hanging out with 'that crowd' haha its just who I am. No biggie. I'm just doing it in a more positive and healthy way now.