Conversation with self

Old 02-23-2015, 09:46 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Embrace the journey
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Mont-Tremblant, QC
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Conversation with self

After my first two months of sobriety I relapsed and drifted back into drinking. I would like to share with you a conversation that took place between myself and I during this time. Having the opportunity and clarity to sit down in solitude to explore my thoughts and feelings on paper was a complete turning point in an amazingly positive way. Absolute game changer! Out of all of the many tactics practises, journaling has always been the most instrumental and important one.

What am I supposed to do now? I have lost momentum. I can feel the beginnings of a tail spin off of my path. My path to sobriety, my path to personal greatness and inner peace. Two weeks ago I let my guard down and fell into a night of drinking. Since than I have been off balance, struggling to catch up with the extraordinary progress I am so very proud to have made within the months leading up to this recent swerve off course.

These past two weeks I have been able to maintain a positive energy which keeps me centred in the present moment. But I can feel my routine slipping away. I have been sleeping in and I find it hard to re establish the habit of early rising which has been a key aspect in keeping me focused and on my game. I drank again a couple nights ago and found myself, once again, in one of the darkest states of mind I have ever known as a result. This place is always there waiting for me. I am very familiar with this place as I have been to this place many times. Each time I return to this place I give it strength and help it grow. There is no name for this place and I find it hard to understand why I keep finding myself there. This place can be described as a dark cloud that is very capable of inflicting anxiety, self doubt, depression, irrational thoughts, egotistical compulsive thoughts, weakness , restlessness and overall feelings of discomfort. These feelings and emotions that I experience usually push me further into excessive drinking and I often end up smoking heavily during the period that I remain in this place as an unconscious effort to ease the tensions and feed the negative force field that always seems to creep up on me when I least expect it. This negative force is alcohol. Although I have been able to overcome these demons by creating a strong foundation of meditation and exercise, which I am extremely grateful for, these past two weeks have definitely been a few steps backwards. These episodes are a lot fewer and far between. This I am grateful for. But I hate this place and I never want to go back there again. The two and a half months of taking alcohol out of my life gave me so much momentum and a taste of the life that is mine if I so choose to accept it. A life of inner peace, infinite energy, burning desires, greatness, passion, love and adventure. A life of never ending and constant improvement. A life of strength.
The overall improvement in the quality of my life and existence in regards to physical and spiritual fitness remains intact and amazing. This past two weeks has presented the first big bump in the road since my commitment to live a greater life. My road to spiritual recovery. I think it is really important here to be as honest as possible in expressing my feelings of frustration and disappointment for having found myself at the mercy of my deepest weakness which is alcohol. I mean come on buddy! It is so extremely obvious that alcohol is like poison for me. It is a setback in almost every way and there is no place for it in my life. I must eliminate this from my life once and for all! I lost focus, I let my guard down and let my weakness get the best of me. This is natural. This is life, my life, my challenges. I have been here many times before but this time around is the first time I have felt strong enough to overcome these issues and change my life.

So what am I supposed to do now? Feel sorry for myself? Lose hope? Stop striving and continue sleeping in? Give up the willingness to live as greatness? These are all examples of how I have reacted in moments such as this where I have failed to maintain a routine or commitment usually pertaining to alcohol in some way. I would give in and get carried along unconsciously until I would have had enough and think I was ready to change. Today I feel more awake, motivated and ready. I see the light. I have lost momentum but I have the courage to put an end to that right now at this very moment. I will not dwell on this experience. I will use it to strengthen me. I will regroup and continue my journey. Continue on the path of constant and never ending improvement. There will always be challenges but I must remain alert and on my A game. I cannot give in to temptation and urge as this can jeopardize my progression. I cannot afford to lose momentum in the direction of my true path. I must be honest with myself in saying that it is never acceptable to consume alcohol. Not even just once in a while. This is what I have learned as a result of these past two weeks as I experienced how one seemingly small misstep can directly affect the overall progress. I can't let this happen. I must remain vigilant. It will not always be easy but I will become brilliant at being uncomfortable. I will accept how I feel at any given moment. Creating a life that will be considered a work of art comes down to wether you want to do the inner work required to get there. Self mastery. Let's get back at it. I am willing to do the work.
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Old 02-23-2015, 11:24 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
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Nice to meet you JeremyJames thanks for sharing
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Old 02-23-2015, 11:55 AM
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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It sounds like it hasnt stuck yet. I think there is always going to be resistence to making the right choices and doing the right thing to some degree. But at some point its habit really.

I still ask myself from time to time why do i keep pushing forward with sobriety why not just go down the slipper slope again etc.. The thoughts come but i dont feed into them really.

In the past it was kinda the opposite. why not sober up why not get your life in order quit screwing around those thoughts would come too but I didnt feed into those at the time and just kept on going down the wrong path.

I think you will have to always tend with both sides of this coin its just which side you want to divert your energies towards.

its not always so simple. People never woulda pictured me slim and without a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other. I was always the heavy drinker heavy smoker heavy guy. So at times I think is this even the real me?

Just have to keep pushing forward.
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