Sponsor drama...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Ascot
Posts: 73
Sponsor drama...
Need to get this off my chest. It's day 16 today. I had to sack my sponsor... basically, I never asked her to be my sponsor, she kind of offered/asked me and I felt put on the spot. I couldn't say no, and she was very nice and gave me things including a Big Book. Unfortunately, her life is very chaotic and dramatic, and that's not the kind of recovery I want. She was also asking advice and relying on me for help with life issues.
So, I politely told her I didn't think it would work because I need to focus on myself and gain a serene recovery. Since then, I've had messages, first asking for the inscribed Big Book and other bits she gave me back, then saying she was hurt, upset and shocked, then saying she was there for me through my issues and it's supposed to work both ways. I do feel bad but I'm 16 days sober! I can't take on her problems too
So, I politely told her I didn't think it would work because I need to focus on myself and gain a serene recovery. Since then, I've had messages, first asking for the inscribed Big Book and other bits she gave me back, then saying she was hurt, upset and shocked, then saying she was there for me through my issues and it's supposed to work both ways. I do feel bad but I'm 16 days sober! I can't take on her problems too
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Probably my living room. Maybe my bedroom if I'm feeling lazy
Posts: 1,085
No need to feel bad about ditching your sponsor. Many times, it just doesn't work out. Most people in the program understand this. But some still do take it personally. Do not feel bad about this. This is her issue, not yours.
My sponsor sometimes runs stuff in his life by me. But he doesn't rely on me for help with life issues. I'm not his therapist or life coach. He's not mine. What is supposed to work both ways is that helping another alcoholic go through the steps helps yourself. That's the point of sponsoring someone.
If she wants her stuff back, just give it to her, buy another big book and find someone else. There are plenty of women who would be more than happy to take you through the steps without all the added drama.
My sponsor sometimes runs stuff in his life by me. But he doesn't rely on me for help with life issues. I'm not his therapist or life coach. He's not mine. What is supposed to work both ways is that helping another alcoholic go through the steps helps yourself. That's the point of sponsoring someone.
If she wants her stuff back, just give it to her, buy another big book and find someone else. There are plenty of women who would be more than happy to take you through the steps without all the added drama.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Good call, Sarah.You have absolutely no reason to feel bad.
"Since then, I've had messages, first asking for the inscribed Big Book and other bits she gave me back, then saying she was hurt, upset and shocked, then saying she was there for me through my issues and it's supposed to work both ways."
No, it doesn't work both ways in the beginning. If she wants to turn to someone new to recovery, new to a new way of living and not HER sponsor, she has some serious problems.
I can only imagine what kind of screwed up advise I would be able to give my sponsor when I was fresh to recovery.
As far as the gifts she GAVE to you, ones you didn't ask for, ones she freely GAVE to you, I think I'd give em back. There's more big books out there and many people willing to give ya one.if ya need one, send me a PM and I'll mail ya one. No charge and no expectations attached.
No,you can't take on her problems and it's not your responsibility. She should be taking her problems to her sponsor and taking solutions to you.
I'd highly suggest asking her HP about a sponsor and listen at meetings for her.
"Since then, I've had messages, first asking for the inscribed Big Book and other bits she gave me back, then saying she was hurt, upset and shocked, then saying she was there for me through my issues and it's supposed to work both ways."
No, it doesn't work both ways in the beginning. If she wants to turn to someone new to recovery, new to a new way of living and not HER sponsor, she has some serious problems.
I can only imagine what kind of screwed up advise I would be able to give my sponsor when I was fresh to recovery.
As far as the gifts she GAVE to you, ones you didn't ask for, ones she freely GAVE to you, I think I'd give em back. There's more big books out there and many people willing to give ya one.if ya need one, send me a PM and I'll mail ya one. No charge and no expectations attached.
No,you can't take on her problems and it's not your responsibility. She should be taking her problems to her sponsor and taking solutions to you.
I'd highly suggest asking her HP about a sponsor and listen at meetings for her.
Happy, joyous, and free
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: FL
Posts: 113
Sarah, I give you a ton of credit for being smart and heads up about this. I missed those same warning signs in my first sponsor. We ended up being severely codependent on each other, and I very nearly sucked her in when I relapsed.
We parted on amicable terms. It wasn't until I got my next sponsor that I realized how damaging that relationship was to both of us. You caught the message early and spared yourself some pain.
We parted on amicable terms. It wasn't until I got my next sponsor that I realized how damaging that relationship was to both of us. You caught the message early and spared yourself some pain.
Peace, Love, Sobriety
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 1,549
Originally Posted by bunnezjp 
Sounds like she may need a sponsor of her own, and if she has one, she needs to take her issues to them/her. Don't sweat it.
Bunnez
Bunnez
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I was approached by a woman who decided she was my sponsor, too.
Same deal, too. Wanted me around all the time, wanted to run all aspects of my life.
Uh. No thanks.
Then the comments from her at meetings, the phone messages, the "evil eye." I was later told by others not to have a sponsor who picks me. That was good counsel. When you're new, you don't know any better.
I'm glad you listened to your inner voice. Well done.
Same deal, too. Wanted me around all the time, wanted to run all aspects of my life.
Uh. No thanks.
Then the comments from her at meetings, the phone messages, the "evil eye." I was later told by others not to have a sponsor who picks me. That was good counsel. When you're new, you don't know any better.
I'm glad you listened to your inner voice. Well done.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Sorry about that Sarah your doing great on 16 days
Asked for the BB she gave you ? you can get your own at a mtn or online
Sarah i really loved reading living sober i read that before the big book i thought both were awesome but living sober spoke to me i loved every page
Asked for the BB she gave you ? you can get your own at a mtn or online
Sarah i really loved reading living sober i read that before the big book i thought both were awesome but living sober spoke to me i loved every page
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
You have nothing to feel sorry about. This woman has no business being a sponsor! I would run as fast and as far from this person as possible.
Hang out at enough meetings to find someone who has what you want.
Hang out at enough meetings to find someone who has what you want.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: De
Posts: 1,333
Sounds like you're heading in the right direction. I suggest you read AAWS's pamphlet 'questions and answers on sponsorship'. You can read it online at;
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,236
Why in the world would she ask for those
awesome books back. I know its not my
place to take anothers inventory, but, WHY???
I have bought recovery material and
have given them as gifts as my way
of helping a newcomer or just as a
friend in recovery. Never would I ask
for it to be returned.
In AA we have our Big Book and 12 step
book as our main text book to learn about
recovery. All our answers are in those
books to teach us how to remain sober
and become healthy and happy.
To me, I would love to know all those
ive talked to or shared with have remained
sober or Ive made some sort of impact
on them in living a sober life. However,
I will never know because in sharing
my ESH or AA recovery, spiritual gifts
with anyone helps me remain sober
as well as grounded, grateful, for any
little thing to help others in recovery.
Im just sad this women did this to you
but need to find forgiveness for her actions
cause as we know, some are more sicker
than others.
Stay strong and continue striving for
a healthy, strong recovery foundation
to live upon for yrs to come.
awesome books back. I know its not my
place to take anothers inventory, but, WHY???
I have bought recovery material and
have given them as gifts as my way
of helping a newcomer or just as a
friend in recovery. Never would I ask
for it to be returned.
In AA we have our Big Book and 12 step
book as our main text book to learn about
recovery. All our answers are in those
books to teach us how to remain sober
and become healthy and happy.
To me, I would love to know all those
ive talked to or shared with have remained
sober or Ive made some sort of impact
on them in living a sober life. However,
I will never know because in sharing
my ESH or AA recovery, spiritual gifts
with anyone helps me remain sober
as well as grounded, grateful, for any
little thing to help others in recovery.
Im just sad this women did this to you
but need to find forgiveness for her actions
cause as we know, some are more sicker
than others.
Stay strong and continue striving for
a healthy, strong recovery foundation
to live upon for yrs to come.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
You are doing the right thing and congrats on 16 days.
Just give her back her stuff, someone wanting the Big Book back is a first though
and block her number. If you have an android, Mr Number is a free app which will send her calls straight to voice mail or hang up and will hide the texts.
Right now, keep going to meeting and observe.
You want someone who has what you want. Talk is cheap, look at how someone is living.
Don't feel guilty about dumping her, that was the right decision.
Just give her back her stuff, someone wanting the Big Book back is a first though
and block her number. If you have an android, Mr Number is a free app which will send her calls straight to voice mail or hang up and will hide the texts.
Right now, keep going to meeting and observe.
You want someone who has what you want. Talk is cheap, look at how someone is living.
Don't feel guilty about dumping her, that was the right decision.
Peace, Love, Sobriety
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 1,549
If someone tells you they are your sponsor it sounds like they still need to control something and since they can't control their own life they may as well try yours! I was told to find someone who has what I want and ASK them to sponsor me. That is how I got my current sponsor. And I love her.
That is how I got my current sponsor. And I love her. Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by sarahlou87
Need to get this off my chest. It's day 16 today. I had to sack my sponsor... basically, I never asked her to be my sponsor, she kind of offered/asked me and I felt put on the spot. I couldn't say no, and she was very nice and gave me things including a Big Book. Unfortunately, her life is very chaotic and dramatic, and that's not the kind of recovery I want. She was also asking advice and relying on me for help with life issues.
So, I politely told her I didn't think it would work because I need to focus on myself and gain a serene recovery. Since then, I've had messages, first asking for the inscribed Big Book and other bits she gave me back, then saying she was hurt, upset and shocked, then saying she was there for me through my issues and it's supposed to work both ways. I do feel bad but I'm 16 days sober! I can't take on her problems too
So, I politely told her I didn't think it would work because I need to focus on myself and gain a serene recovery. Since then, I've had messages, first asking for the inscribed Big Book and other bits she gave me back, then saying she was hurt, upset and shocked, then saying she was there for me through my issues and it's supposed to work both ways. I do feel bad but I'm 16 days sober! I can't take on her problems too
Give her back the BB and other bits she gave you.
It no doubt will be awkward speaking with her but be thankfully you're getting out now.
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