Critter

Hello. ive been on and off these boards as i have been with alcohol. I quit, i think i can control it "this time", as if that time is special, and again i drink, i black out, i make stupid decisions. I really can use some support right now, as selfish as it sounds. I did something stupid. again. every time i Drink i end up doing something stupid. i could've stopped it before i drank, but i chose to drink, cause i thought i can handle it.

I am an alcoholic.

There, i said it. I havent had any trouble saying it in the past, but i think this time is different. This time, i honestly mean it.

I can not control alcohol.
It is poison to me.
It controls me.
i can not control one beer, It controls me.

I need to never drink again.
I need to take alcohol for what it is. Poison to me.

I did something stupid and now i have guilt. I "cheated". Again. made out with some random guy. Again. I didnt go any further, i actually made him leave, thank god for that moment of "clarity", but now i have the urge to tell my partner about it when i know i should not, cause the problem isnt the cheating, its the booze. I am sure someone can relate. What should i do?

I do not want to tell him, it will only bring pain. Unnecessary pain, cause i did not chose to cheat, i chose to drink. If i was sober, thats a different story. I most likley would tell him cause that would be a huge red flag for our relationship. But while drunk=almost blacked out, its not my choice, but the alcohols choice. I have found some AA's meetings in my city, i really hope i come through to go to them soon. I find great comfort here too.

Please help!

Critter

Reading my post, i obviously see that i repeat myself. I really really hope this time is the last time i say "this is enough". I really hope last night was the last time i put alcohol in my system. I have tried every possible way to try and control it, i hope i will not make up another one. I tried drinking "responsibly" with friends, i tried drinking only on occasions, nothing works. The last time i drank, i was off. It was a month ago, the next time after that, was last night, again ,off. EVERY SINGLE TIME I DRINK i go off. I do not crave for alcohol. but i can not control it.
It doesnt matter if i do not crave it. I can not handle it. I am trying to repeat this to me as you can see.

Im Sorry avout my rant, but i can really really use your "ears" right now.

Thank you in advance!

BernieE

I see that you understand that drinking is absolutely off the table. What's on the table to replace it? What's your plan? Most of us have found we need to develop a detailed plan and follow it. Some use AA, some AVRT, some use this forum, there can be any combination of things including therapy. The hangover/withdrawal will wear off and the voice will start up again. You need some tools to quiet that voice.

You can do this.

Berrybean

Ahh yes. Been there.

Well, we do have a habit of repeating our mistakes us humans. And if nothing changes, then nothing changes. Do yourself a favour and stop talking / thinking about going to AA. Phone up. Find out when and where the next meeting is. And GO!! It will honestly be the best thing you ever did. You don't need to tell them about the 'cheating' part. Just that you've realised that you are an alcoholic, and that alcohol is making your life unmanageable.

xxx

Critter

Thank you for all the advice an for your "shoulders". I really do need to find tools. I never had any before. I have managed to stop drinking for 8months, for 2 months, for 3, but never for ever. So yes, i do need tools. I am afraid of going to a meeting as i am from a small town. Im glad i dont have to tell them about the cheating, though. I though you need to be honest at meetings, but i guess they are different than therapy.

I can not think of any other tool. I need my partner to understand and help me. It may seem awful for me wanting him to understand when i am hiding a huge part from him. I have done this before, twice. He has done it also. He also can not control his drinking. And it is his drinking, not him, no excuse. Anyways, thats another story. My main concern is me first, if im ok, we are ok. I feel bad about what i did, but not as bad as if i was sober. I mean the problem is the alcohol, not the cheating. Am i right? am i weird for not feeling that bad? By all means, i feel terible, but id be a mess if i did it while sober , i mean it takes a totally different meaning.

Im ranting again, sorry, but i truly need this. Now im afraid that he will find out and that it might be better to tell him, but there is no chance he will find out. Ugh...im lost.

I love him dearly.

Tools, i need to find tools as you said. Obviously im in a hangover. I really hope my not wanting to drink will last.i have my brother on my side, he knows my problem.He understands and also a couple of friends. unfortunately they live in other cities.
I need help. talking about it helps, heck even ranting helps. I cant get rid of the guilt and the need to tell him. I dont want to hurt him, but it wasnt my choice. I chose to drink though and i knew that if i would things will probably end up like they did. Does that make it a choice? it does somehow, but once the alcohol gets in your system, off goes the choices.

Im lost.

Berrybean

You know, there are many sober people who've changed their ways, and their lives, despite still wanting to drink. You need to want sobriety more than you want a drink.

You're right about needing to be honest. But that doesn't mean you have to disclose every detail to every person. It took me a good ten month in AA to finally approach someone and ask them to be my sponsor. I trust her, and she knows things that I would tell nobody else.

You need to get your 'crimes' into perspective. You, for whatever reason, had a fling / cheated. You didn't kill anyone (through accident or intent) and if you could go back in time then you would change things. But you can't do that. What you CAN change is your future choices. You know that if you carry on drinking then it's likely to happen again.

Someone told me, if you don't love yourself then you can't love another person properly. You need to care for yourself. Not as a lover, or an indulgent distant aunt might. But by caring for your future self and nurturing your soul. If you don't love yourself, you'll be constantly on the look out for attention and validation from others, an probably choosing people who can't get really close, just in case they discover the 'real' you that you think lurks hidden away. You know, you can choose who you want to be. You don't have to repeat past mistakes.

If you don't want to attend AA in your small home town, get yourself to the next closest. But there is no need, as AA operates on a completely confidential basis, and people are all there for the same reason. If any nosy-parker sees you going in and asks about it, then you can always say you were there to support a friend. And that won't be far from the truth, as the people there soon will be friends, and you will support them by listening non-judgementally, just as they will for you.

Anyway. What's more important. Being revealed as an alcoholic? Or risking things continuing as they are? When I first went into the rooms I felt secretive and ashamed of it. Now I know that I did the right thing. I'm learning to be the best person I can be. And if anyone has issue with that, then that's their problem. xx

Critter

Thank you so much for your advice!

Why do i feel the need to tell him!????!! I dont want to tell him to make me feel better, yet thats the reason i do!
I DONT WANT HIM TO KNOW I DONT WANT HIS TO BE HAPPENING TO ME!!!
yet it is!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AGAIN!
the other times, i told him. Felt better, yet i think this time it will not help at all. i will hurt him for no reason. But i dont want him to find out.

I love him SO much!

Berrybean

Well done for taking responsibility rather than passing it to him to deal with.

I think you need to forget about him, the other men, and all the drama. You need to be collecting together those tools ready to protect yourself from the next destructive episode. I know this probably sounds very harsh, but at the moment you're allowing self-pity to distract you from taking positive action. I don't mean to sound harsh. It's one of those typically alcoholic behaviours that you will learn to recognise and avoid if you choose sobriety (or your lifetime indulging in, should you choose the booze).

AA isn't just about resisting the lure of alcohol. It's about learning about ourselves, and how to change. You sound like you want that. At the moment anyway. xx

Critter

Thank you so much!I really need to hear this.
I have done this 2 other times and told him about it. It almost happened a 4th time but i just didn't get the chance. making out with random men i mean.First time it happened, i thought "ok, so this happened" maybe i was just horny. Second time it happened i was mad at my partner for something similar, so i thought "revenge" was on my mind before i got drunk.

This is a third time. This makes it a pattern. Almost 4 times. Every single time i drink , i hit on random guys and try to make out with them, It happened when i was single too. It was easier to deal with cause there was not a third person's feelings to consider, but it does not make it ok for me. I am putting myself at risk. The least thing that can happened is catch an STD. THE LEAST.

I've been thinking about this all day. This is a personal problem. I mean, if the cheating incident did not affect my partner in any way i would tell him, but it does and if i do it will distract him too from the bigger picture, which is the drinking. I am not afraid i might lose him , well i am, but that's not the reason i don't want to tell him. If he finds out, which is not likely, i will admit and take responsibility then, hoping i will be at a better and sober place, and whatever happens, happens. I really just want this day to go by and with it, whatever memory i have from last night, which of course are just some scenes, cause when i drink i usually black out, yet function. I really am amazed of how i told him to leave before anything else happened. Amazes. and thankful.

again, thank you so much, i do not feel like i am making a bad choice not telling him.
About the real problem, i will attend an online meeting in a few hours for starters and i checked out a real AA meeting in my town, i hope i will make it. Im not thrilled with the idea, but...baby steps.

Berrybean

Well done. I worked through my Steps diary with my Sponsor earlier this week, and it really made me realise how lucky I am to have not come to more harm when looking at the ways I was powerless over alcohol:

There may come a time when you do decide to tell him, but I think if you told him right now it would be for YOU (ridding yourself of guilt) rather than for him. The best thing you can do for him (and your own safety and self-esteem as well!) is to put yourself in the position where you won't do it again.

I've never done an online meeting before. I'm not sure my typing would be up to it. Or is it Skype or something similar? Good luck - hope it goes well. I'll be thinking of you

xx

PS... This verse of Amazing Grace always makes me cry when I hear it, as it really makes me think about how lucky I have been...

Through many dangers, toils and snares,
I have already come;
'Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.

Critter

Thank you again. I may tell him later on . I do not like keeping secrets from him. At all. I don't even know if i can. This will be my first try.

I cant seem to get it off my mind, i just wish this day passes, the hangover does not help me forget. Time will help me. I "went" to the online meeting. It is nice, im sure being in a real room with people will be more intense. It does seem helpful though. It is via text bu the way. Its a chat room and people take turns to talk. I assume its exactly like they do in "real" meetings.

I shouldn't wonder why i cant get it off my mind, im actively talking and thinking about it. I should do the opposite. lol!

I feel so awful, i just want this to pass. I feel like a liar to him,but this is for our best and i will tell him later on to keep that slate clean. If he stays, he stays, if not, he goes. I keep reminding myself that the real problem is my drinking.

Thank you again!

sundaysmiles

I would tell him. Your story sounds a lot like my life (well, my life when I am actively drinking.) I always felt so much guilt, shame and remorse after blacking out and doing something stupid. If you love him and you are really going to put in effort (not just say so and then wait until everything blows over to drink again) tell him the truth, babe.

Critter

Thanks SundaySmiles. I chose to go the other way to be honest. For the time being, i will tell him later on though. Right now i truly feel like by telling him, i will only satisfy me guilt by hearing him yell at me or whatever his reaction will be. Like i really need to be punished from him. Will it be better telling him later on? I dont think so, at least i will have my thoughts straight and some sober days on my back to prove him that i have changed. I already have told him about the other two times this happened, it kinda feels like half a lie. Still sucks though. i really need to focus on me now.

The problem is the drinking, what happened happened, i had no intention to hurt him,also he is not in a good place right now. Im pretty sure this will destroy him. If i had even the tiniest little need for cheating, i mean if i meant it even a little, i would tell him, cause then it would be a problem and his problem too. Now i think its only mine.

Or am i just saying this to feel better? Do i make any sense?

I would love to tell him to get it off my back it breaks my heart im lying to him,but it will be more painful if i do, and for no reason, the way i see it now. I saw a quote on a signature here from Gandhi: "'Speak only if it improves upon the silence.'". I see no improving by telling him now.

Thank you though for your advise. i do love him and i will do the work!!

SoberLeigh

Welcome back, critter.

Critter

Hi SoberLeigh and thanks! How are you doing? Im glad to still see you here, i guess that means you're doing ok?

FamilyMan2153

Telling him or not telling him is up to you. I am not a good advice giver. Good story teller but crappy at advice.

I do know that I need to focus on the alcohol and that I am an alcoholic. Sometimes we can distract ourselves with all the craziness of drinking to take the focus away from the drinking. I think it is great that you want to take responsibility for your actions. I had to do a lot of that, A LOT. Most did not believe my apologies because I had lied so much. The only thing I could do was show them by my actions each and every day!

Hang in there critter

Berrybean

Hope you're feeling a bit better today and some of The Fear has subsided.

Well done for doing the online meeting. I hope you're feeling a bit better today. Yes - that is what it's like in person - but with tea; coffee; and biscuits (And hugs and smiles- at my group anyway). Are you still thinking about going to your local meeting to get some support?

Critter

Thank you so much Beccybean, you are so nice!
I do feel a little better, although i still cant forget about it. I am still sitting on my pc doing nothing but thinking about it so...i will try and go to the gym today. I feel so awful lying to him. I am telling myself that this mistake is mine, it has nothing to do with him and the problem is the alcohol. If i tell him he will not understand. Thing is, he really might understand.

Then i think it will hurt him, maybe he wont understand, maybe everything will be over. But its ok if everything is over, i mean i will be sad, but if he cant understand my problem, then we shouldnt be together. Then i think im selfish again for not telling him, but i honestly do think there is no reason of him knowing. I had no intention to cheat on him. In fact at some weird clarity during the event, i remembered i was in love and in an awesome relationship and sent the guy away. When im so drunk i really do not understand even who i am and the worse thing is that a lot of people tell me i dont seem drunk.

I keep reading that being drunk is an excuse for cheating. It is not. Im sure the people who think that have never had a drinking problem. This is not an excuse, its the reason of the cheating and it is solid. Maybe i would believe the same if i had a healthy relationship with alcohol, but i know how it is and im sure other people who have cheated while drunk feel the same, I just dont see their opinions as frequently as the others.

So, i do feel less panicky,im trying to act like this never happened or pretend its one of the other two times i have done this (of which he knows about). This makes me feel like i have already told him. I know, its not honest but, it helps me go through this. The meetings are great, i havent logged off that site yet, its very comforting to know and see people there for you every minute. I have a couple of friends by phone to help me too.

I need to focus on the drinking. If i make it about the cheating, i will just end up doing this again. I need to fix these cause it doesnt matter who im with(although this guy is "the one"), this is dangerous for me. I dont know, i will tell him at some point, but i need to show him i changed first. I need to help him understand my drinking problem. He still thinks i can control it. he has the same reaction as me when it comes to alcohol and he still thinks its not the booze.

Its the common misconception that i mentioned earlier. Sure, being drunk maybe considered a lame excuse for someone who can control his drinking, but for some people alcohol is poison. It doesnt just lower my inhibitions, it turns me into someone else. A horrible horrible other self. No "deep down inside needs" i cover when im drunk. I would NEVER do anything like that sober. Not even as a single.There are no pushed down feelings that come up when i drink. There are no deeper things i need to dig up and solve. I drink, i cheat, i put myself in dangerous situations. Thats it. Alcohol is poison to me. I can see that now. i do not want to drink again and i hope that if that ever happens, i hope i will be lucky and stay safe.

MelindaFlowers

Would telling him benefit you or him?

Critter

At this point i think it will benefit me. Rid me of the guilt. I would feel good when he starts yelling at me or w/e. I need to be punished. Also, this has happened before and he knows about it, so this would not be something new to him. Its like a secret, but an old one.

On the other hand some might say he has the right to know that it happened again , specially if we are considering living together etc. But..I am sure he will be so hurt from the cheating that he will not understand my drinking problem. And its the drinking problem he has to worry about. As i mentioned he does think that people do what they really want to deep down inside while drunk. He only started to think otherwise when he cheated on me drunk, still im afraid it will tear him apart and take his focus where it should not be. He is also in a bad psychological state to get this kind of bad news.

I dont know if there will ever be "right moment" to tell him. I sure will try to, if i see he understands my alcoholism. Cause i love him dearly and i can not imagine me keeping secrets from him, this is really a strange state i am in, doing this.

Edit to add: If i wanted to cheat on him, or had any doubts about are relationship..if the cheated meant something to me, then yes, it would benefit him to and i would be talking to him about it as a started for a breakup speech maybe. But it meant nothing to me, heck i barely remember the guys name. If i see him again i will not be able to recognize him. Also, i have no doubts about my relationship.

Is this a healthy was of looking at it? I feel so guilty and i read all about how i should tell and be honest and stuff, whiich i am a firm believer of honesty, this is really a first.