Drank again, did something stupid,need a shoulder.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hey Critter. Wish I was there to give you a cup of tea, big hug, and drag you to a meeting. Now, CALM DOWN.
I've re-read through this thread. When I was first responding to you, I thought that you had actually gone through with the cheat. But you didn't. It was a bloody close call though. You were lucky not to get hurt amongst other things.
It is likely that you're going to have to discuss the alcohol issue with your BF anyway. You're going to need him to understand WHY you're stopping. Maybe you do need to tell him. Not with details that will hurt him, just the facts of how you almost repeated past mistakes, and how that makes you feel about yourself, and how you want to get control and be the lovely sober Critter that you ARE, all the time. You can reassure him that your behaviour was no reflection of him. You can ask for his support in gaining sobriety. (This was a big one for my OH who is still cross whenever he's drunk, that I'm not drunk with him
).
You have done so much self reflection, and actually the worst DIDN'T happen. And you want to safeguard against any future possibility of it happening. What do you think?
I've re-read through this thread. When I was first responding to you, I thought that you had actually gone through with the cheat. But you didn't. It was a bloody close call though. You were lucky not to get hurt amongst other things.
It is likely that you're going to have to discuss the alcohol issue with your BF anyway. You're going to need him to understand WHY you're stopping. Maybe you do need to tell him. Not with details that will hurt him, just the facts of how you almost repeated past mistakes, and how that makes you feel about yourself, and how you want to get control and be the lovely sober Critter that you ARE, all the time. You can reassure him that your behaviour was no reflection of him. You can ask for his support in gaining sobriety. (This was a big one for my OH who is still cross whenever he's drunk, that I'm not drunk with him
).You have done so much self reflection, and actually the worst DIDN'T happen. And you want to safeguard against any future possibility of it happening. What do you think?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 53
I cant thank you enough! Even the thought of a cup of tea and a big hug helps!
Indeed i didnt go through with the cheating, but still it wasnt very nice..I dont know..if i wait a bit to tell him, maybe it will be better, on the other hand we have a tough period in a couple of months, and he is suffering from anxiety, really bad case. I think this will throw him under the bus. or maybe its what he needs to hit rock bottom and start getting better. I dont know. He is coming tomorrow. We were long distance for a couple of months and it hurts cause he had no reason to be long distance. We decided to live together , he went to his parents for holidays and ended up staying for 3 months. If i tell him now, he wont come, if i tell him once he comes, he will be lost with no support system. Not that i think he has one now, but he would feel better at his parents house. I dont know really. Soemthing inside me tells me "go grab the phone and tell him" and then i think, "nothing new here, no one will win. i know what i need to do and that is enough."
Thank you again. Gonna try and go to the gym, clear my head. CHeers!
Indeed i didnt go through with the cheating, but still it wasnt very nice..I dont know..if i wait a bit to tell him, maybe it will be better, on the other hand we have a tough period in a couple of months, and he is suffering from anxiety, really bad case. I think this will throw him under the bus. or maybe its what he needs to hit rock bottom and start getting better. I dont know. He is coming tomorrow. We were long distance for a couple of months and it hurts cause he had no reason to be long distance. We decided to live together , he went to his parents for holidays and ended up staying for 3 months. If i tell him now, he wont come, if i tell him once he comes, he will be lost with no support system. Not that i think he has one now, but he would feel better at his parents house. I dont know really. Soemthing inside me tells me "go grab the phone and tell him" and then i think, "nothing new here, no one will win. i know what i need to do and that is enough."
Thank you again. Gonna try and go to the gym, clear my head. CHeers!
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
The honesty in meetings is (should be) a type of honesty that you are already displaying.
Self honesty about the "real life " way that you drink.
Not the dishonesty that goes on in our heads.
This time it'll be different
This time I'll be good
This time I'll control it
This time I'm just sticking to beer, no hard stuff
But it rarely happens.
The confusion often comes when, one time in twenty (for example) we have a few drinks and not much more and things go Ok
Then we resolutely decide, I can control it......... And next weekend we end up drunk 3 days straight and spend the rent money and kiss someone we shouldn't have etc etc
But we CLING to the one "successful " drink session as proof that we don't have a real problem, that we'll beat it some day.
But if you applied this to any other area of life, 19 disasters to one success, we'd quit straight away.
If you crashed your bicycle 19 times and rode it successfully once, someone might say, maybe you should stick to walking and we'd go "yeah, no bull, I really should"
We can make an "honest " and sane decision on our ability or inability to ride a bicycle...... We can see the truth.
But we cannot get honest, cannot see the truth and quite insanely, keep repeating the same drinking experiment time and time again.
Please don't think you have to air all your dirty laundry in meetings, that's personal information.
Just be honest about how you drink and how you keep trying to stop but can't seem to stop and stay stopped.
Self honesty about the "real life " way that you drink.
Not the dishonesty that goes on in our heads.
This time it'll be different
This time I'll be good
This time I'll control it
This time I'm just sticking to beer, no hard stuff
But it rarely happens.
The confusion often comes when, one time in twenty (for example) we have a few drinks and not much more and things go Ok
Then we resolutely decide, I can control it......... And next weekend we end up drunk 3 days straight and spend the rent money and kiss someone we shouldn't have etc etc
But we CLING to the one "successful " drink session as proof that we don't have a real problem, that we'll beat it some day.
But if you applied this to any other area of life, 19 disasters to one success, we'd quit straight away.
If you crashed your bicycle 19 times and rode it successfully once, someone might say, maybe you should stick to walking and we'd go "yeah, no bull, I really should"
We can make an "honest " and sane decision on our ability or inability to ride a bicycle...... We can see the truth.
But we cannot get honest, cannot see the truth and quite insanely, keep repeating the same drinking experiment time and time again.
Please don't think you have to air all your dirty laundry in meetings, that's personal information.
Just be honest about how you drink and how you keep trying to stop but can't seem to stop and stay stopped.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 53
Hawks, that indeed describes it perfectly. Story of my life.
The other night the bad decision i made was to drink. I thought i could control it, although i knew i cant. After i get drunk, ok i turn into another person, but why do i go for the first drink? its that lack of honesty you describe.
I think i have made drinking something so awesome and i felt so bad all these years for not being able to drink like other people. And the peer pressure! omg the pressure! Honestly its easier to quit smoking than alcohol. Everyone thinks its good for you, at least from where i live. You see alcoholics all around the place and they have no idea they are cause they think that you need to be drinking first thing in the morning to be considered an alcoholic. Whenever i tell people ""no thank you, i dont drink", everyone's like "oh come on, one drink" n such. Even now, after this, a friend of mine who has seen me in my worse, thinks im better off drinking once a month then quitting because when i start again after quitting im determined "this time will be different". I told her, i must not ever drink again and asked her to help me with that, cause thinking i can control it is what im doing wrong.
i went to the gym didnt stay long, but at least i did something good for me. Cleared my head a bit. About the other subject, its getting better. Trying to forget. Thanks for clarifying that i dont have to tell anyone every detail about my behavior. Thats my problem, i usually am an open book. I will try to, although i dont know if i will go to one soon.
Gonna chill now, do my routine of relaxing and try to carry on my dad as if nothing happened other than bad drinking and try to focus on that problem. I am attending and will keep on attending to the online ones and of course here. Everyone is really helpful!
Thank you again!
The other night the bad decision i made was to drink. I thought i could control it, although i knew i cant. After i get drunk, ok i turn into another person, but why do i go for the first drink? its that lack of honesty you describe.
I think i have made drinking something so awesome and i felt so bad all these years for not being able to drink like other people. And the peer pressure! omg the pressure! Honestly its easier to quit smoking than alcohol. Everyone thinks its good for you, at least from where i live. You see alcoholics all around the place and they have no idea they are cause they think that you need to be drinking first thing in the morning to be considered an alcoholic. Whenever i tell people ""no thank you, i dont drink", everyone's like "oh come on, one drink" n such. Even now, after this, a friend of mine who has seen me in my worse, thinks im better off drinking once a month then quitting because when i start again after quitting im determined "this time will be different". I told her, i must not ever drink again and asked her to help me with that, cause thinking i can control it is what im doing wrong.
i went to the gym didnt stay long, but at least i did something good for me. Cleared my head a bit. About the other subject, its getting better. Trying to forget. Thanks for clarifying that i dont have to tell anyone every detail about my behavior. Thats my problem, i usually am an open book. I will try to, although i dont know if i will go to one soon.
Gonna chill now, do my routine of relaxing and try to carry on my dad as if nothing happened other than bad drinking and try to focus on that problem. I am attending and will keep on attending to the online ones and of course here. Everyone is really helpful!
Thank you again!
Ya**!
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Canada! wtf eh?
Posts: 1,123
Hi Critter. I just wanted to share that for myself, being completely honest was part of the healing process early sobriety required. Each secret I kept only served to hold down my personal growth exponentially. Until I finally aired them out there really was no end in sight for me. And that didn't just mean how I wronged others, but how others wronged me as well and I just always felt shame for both.
Anyhow, that's just me personally... You'll decide what works for yourself in due time I'm sure.
Good luck in your sobriety
Anyhow, that's just me personally... You'll decide what works for yourself in due time I'm sure.
Good luck in your sobriety
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 53
i can relate Tonks and thank you! I am an honest person and i believe in honesty so much. This is really the first time im in such a dilemma and thats why im ranting this much!
I decided to tell him later on, where i will have some sober days or months on my back and maybe he is a better place too. What makes me feel a bit better is that this behavior isnt something new, he knows it happens, so i am not exactly hiding it from him, im just keeping the last incident a secret. I tell myself that this is my problem. The cheating is the symptom, the problem is the drinking and as i said before, if i tell him, he will focus on the cheating more. I am also filled with guilt so i will not be able to think straight to help him understand.
Otherwise i totally agree with honesty, i also believe that when i do tell him he will understand. If he doesnt, then thats ok, we shouldnt be together.
Thank you so much!
I decided to tell him later on, where i will have some sober days or months on my back and maybe he is a better place too. What makes me feel a bit better is that this behavior isnt something new, he knows it happens, so i am not exactly hiding it from him, im just keeping the last incident a secret. I tell myself that this is my problem. The cheating is the symptom, the problem is the drinking and as i said before, if i tell him, he will focus on the cheating more. I am also filled with guilt so i will not be able to think straight to help him understand.
Otherwise i totally agree with honesty, i also believe that when i do tell him he will understand. If he doesnt, then thats ok, we shouldnt be together.
Thank you so much!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,859
Originally Posted by Critter 
Hi SoberLeigh and thanks! How are you doing? Im glad to still see you here, i guess that means you're doing ok?
The exchange between you and BeccyBean has been great. She has provided some wonderful insight and wise advice.
I, too, feel that AA could be a very positive experience for you. I have never attended but from what I have heard from others here at SR, and from two real life friends who credit AA for their lives and sobriety, working the Steps provides a process and opportunity for sobriety and human healing. I hope you go for it.
It is really good to see you, critter. We are here for you.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
You get to unburden all the guilt and etc in the 4th and 5th steps, to one person Who will be unaffected by your truths.
It might be your sponsor (if you are confident they will be close mouthed) or a paid professional you will never see again and who won't see you.
Unloading from the floor in speaker meetings is fraught with trouble.
Every meeting requests that what you hear here, leave here, but human nature being what it is........ It's just being smart.
Especially if you are in a smaller town and a young female.
It might be your sponsor (if you are confident they will be close mouthed) or a paid professional you will never see again and who won't see you.
Unloading from the floor in speaker meetings is fraught with trouble.
Every meeting requests that what you hear here, leave here, but human nature being what it is........ It's just being smart.
Especially if you are in a smaller town and a young female.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 53
Hello Hawks. Its weird you just posted, i just logged on cause i had a "guilt flood". I needed to re-read the whole thread so i can make sure of my choice not to tell. Im not feeling well, but as i see he isnt either for some reason. Ofc he has asked me severl times if im ok, dunno, i probably show.I do not want to tell him. I want to erase this.
I have already told 3 close friends , confident as hell and the truths do not affect them. I just woke up with the thought of what happened. The guilt is still here cause every time i talk to him i feel like a liar. But im being to hard on myself right? I mean, what happened happened, no intention, my drunk self decided and i am another person than that is. Heck im sure that if you asked me my name i wouldnt be able to respond. I hope its just a phase and i will feel better as the day goes by. Even this helps, by admitting it here. I havent gone to a face to face meeting, still on the online ones, they do really help.
I hate it. Im not an awful person. My drunk self is. One time a guy hit on me, i wasnt drunk, i did not accept it. I do not do this. Darn it. I dont want to tell him, but i do later on. I feel like a big fat liar cause, well i am, but either than that, i have told him in the past how honesty is a key to a good relationship. How fake is that?..Although i have been honest till now. But am i dishonest cause its been a year since my last incident and im afraid it will stir things up for no reason again? yes. thats it.
Thanks for listening..
I have already told 3 close friends , confident as hell and the truths do not affect them. I just woke up with the thought of what happened. The guilt is still here cause every time i talk to him i feel like a liar. But im being to hard on myself right? I mean, what happened happened, no intention, my drunk self decided and i am another person than that is. Heck im sure that if you asked me my name i wouldnt be able to respond. I hope its just a phase and i will feel better as the day goes by. Even this helps, by admitting it here. I havent gone to a face to face meeting, still on the online ones, they do really help.
I hate it. Im not an awful person. My drunk self is. One time a guy hit on me, i wasnt drunk, i did not accept it. I do not do this. Darn it. I dont want to tell him, but i do later on. I feel like a big fat liar cause, well i am, but either than that, i have told him in the past how honesty is a key to a good relationship. How fake is that?..Although i have been honest till now. But am i dishonest cause its been a year since my last incident and im afraid it will stir things up for no reason again? yes. thats it.
Thanks for listening..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 53
OK, had a mini break through. Im thinking about this over and over again, cause i feel like i need to be punished, it actually feels good about thinking about it cause i punish myself. Hmmm...I think Beccybean first mentioned this to me. Thanks, it just now sank in. Next stop: Forgiveness.
Weird way the mind works.
Weird way the mind works.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
Write it all down and a weird thing happens.
Your brain sees it in writing and goes "Oh look, it's written down, I can shut up about that now"
Gets it out of the mind.
Just like writing down aappointments for a Dr.
The Dr would go mad trying to keep who was coming at what time etc, all in his head.
Other thing that happens is, seeing it in writing gets it "right sized "
In your head, it's like you are somehow punishing yourself like you went further.... Much further, but you didn't.
Nor have you done any thing really despicable, like murdered the neighbours pets (but it kinda feels like it with the level of guilt and shame right?)
Give the writing a go and see if you get relief.
If it comes back, do it again.
Good luck
Your brain sees it in writing and goes "Oh look, it's written down, I can shut up about that now"
Gets it out of the mind.
Just like writing down aappointments for a Dr.
The Dr would go mad trying to keep who was coming at what time etc, all in his head.
Other thing that happens is, seeing it in writing gets it "right sized "
In your head, it's like you are somehow punishing yourself like you went further.... Much further, but you didn't.
Nor have you done any thing really despicable, like murdered the neighbours pets (but it kinda feels like it with the level of guilt and shame right?)
Give the writing a go and see if you get relief.
If it comes back, do it again.
Good luck
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
Other thing is, if it's going to cut him up emotionally by hearing the truth.
You might want to think about having the right to hurt him, so you feel better.
Cause that's not fair either.
Oh my god, I have to tell you this.. ...Bluuuuuuucccccckkkk.
Oh wow, that feels better.
Oh and now he's in tears and hurt and angry.
There are ways to deal with it without causing further upset.
Ultimately, up to you though.
Just my experience with all the crappy stuff I did.
Make amends by being a cool, sober girlfriend from now on.
I'm sure he'll love that more.
You might want to think about having the right to hurt him, so you feel better.
Cause that's not fair either.
Oh my god, I have to tell you this.. ...Bluuuuuuucccccckkkk.
Oh wow, that feels better.
Oh and now he's in tears and hurt and angry.
There are ways to deal with it without causing further upset.
Ultimately, up to you though.
Just my experience with all the crappy stuff I did.
Make amends by being a cool, sober girlfriend from now on.
I'm sure he'll love that more.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 53
Thank you Hawks. I do feel better.
Im pretty sure though that i will feel alot better once i come clean to him. i hope i find the right time to do so.
For some weird reason, this just "clicked" for me. I want to tell him now. As if im ready. Good thing is i have a coupe of days till that can happen, so i will see if im ready then.
Thank you so much!
Im pretty sure though that i will feel alot better once i come clean to him. i hope i find the right time to do so.
For some weird reason, this just "clicked" for me. I want to tell him now. As if im ready. Good thing is i have a coupe of days till that can happen, so i will see if im ready then.
Thank you so much!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 53
Thats why im torn. I find it right to tell him, yet, on the other hand at this point, i think it will only be for me to feel better, cause my behavior isnt new to him. He will not gain anything from finding out just another incident and he is not in a good place. I still feel the ned to tell him now, but i will wait to see how that goes. Maybe he is better than i think. I will see him today after a long time.
What other ways are to deal with this? Deal with it myself, get sober and never put myself in this position?
Thanks again!
What other ways are to deal with this? Deal with it myself, get sober and never put myself in this position?
Thanks again!
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
At this point i think it will benefit me. Rid me of the guilt. I would feel good when he starts yelling at me or w/e. I need to be punished.
How self centered is that?
What's the point of hurting him because you are hurting? You know it's is not just about you, your alcoholism and your pain. He has feelings too.
Focus on achieving and maintaining sobriety instead.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 53
Im torn. Good thing is i am working on sobriety. Attending meetings and so on. Its really helpful. I do not know what im going to do about to tell or not to tell.
I need to keep reminding me that indeed he will be hurt for no reason more than just me feeling a bit better. And he is in no situation to deal with it now. I will let some days pass, cause its too soon, im still guilty just for drinking, let alone what happened.
I love him to pieces and want an honest life with him, thats why im split right now.
Thank you all for being here for me. So much!
I need to keep reminding me that indeed he will be hurt for no reason more than just me feeling a bit better. And he is in no situation to deal with it now. I will let some days pass, cause its too soon, im still guilty just for drinking, let alone what happened.
I love him to pieces and want an honest life with him, thats why im split right now.
Thank you all for being here for me. So much!
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
Timing is the key.
which is why in AA it's advised that the amends process is guided.
So that you don't go off like an unguided missile.
It also says "unless to do so would harm them or others "
What do you think is going to happen.
If you think it's gonna be cool and he'll go, "geez, look I'm not stoked about it but it's not the end of the world either"
Or maybe he's gonna be not cool and maybe you'll get into an argument, then you might go and drink, cause that's a great solution for emotional pain..... Right?
Then, it's back to square one.
So just take your time and remember that you don't have to solve all your difficulties in the first weeks of sobriety.
which is why in AA it's advised that the amends process is guided.
So that you don't go off like an unguided missile.
It also says "unless to do so would harm them or others "
What do you think is going to happen.
If you think it's gonna be cool and he'll go, "geez, look I'm not stoked about it but it's not the end of the world either"
Or maybe he's gonna be not cool and maybe you'll get into an argument, then you might go and drink, cause that's a great solution for emotional pain..... Right?
Then, it's back to square one.
So just take your time and remember that you don't have to solve all your difficulties in the first weeks of sobriety.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
