i am codependent
Pa**ot Momma
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 149
I don't mind being alone as long as it is on my terms. Currently my hubby is away working, not my choice, and I am having a very very hard time. My mental health issues have gone over board.
Control issues anyone?
Control issues anyone?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 286
I have serious self esteem issues. Many alcoholics probably do. I feel like I'm unlikable most of the time. Even when I come on this forum I feel like the people here don't like me although the people here have been nothing but supportive. So I find myself either isolated or searching for validation. I'm glad I have a counseling session coming up. My head is a mess.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 286
Originally Posted by bitmap 
I don't mind being alone as long as it is on my terms. Currently my hubby is away working, not my choice, and I am having a very very hard time. My mental health issues have gone over board.
Control issues anyone?
Control issues anyone?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
for starters I've always liked your posts for what its worth you tend to not sugar coat stuff and are pretty blunt and I like that.
For me I've struggled with the fact that I feel alone even when i'm with someone. Why? because even when i got someone it seems no one but me can pick up my pieces and hold my pain and handle my ****. No one can do it for me. I have to do it for me so even with someone I feel as if i'm all alone to handle my mess.
I think being alone allows someone to work on themselves I think if you cant be good alone how will you be good with someone?
At the same time I struggle to accept the support that might be handed to me saying something like no no i'm ok I got this when I could make my life a ton easier if i'd accept a little help now and then (this is something I'm working on).
Being alone offers some good quiet time. Its nice to not have to put up with someone else etc..
I've been in a predicament where i had no friends for a while. Now i have a few friends online but no local friends. Its a strange spot to be in. At first I thought well its just me now this is cool it'll be a challenge and rather interesting.
Over time I realized I need someone.
My point to you is its ok to be alone for a time it can be good too.
To add a twist I can be difficult to be friends with as I like to take people out spend time with them etc.. then put them back in the little box on the shelf and only deal with them when i feel like it and on my terms. That is a very selfish thing for me to do. As sometimes people want me for me and something I could offer them etc.. and I find I'll hold that back cause it might not be on my terms.
I guess there is many ways to view our interactions with others.
For me I've struggled with the fact that I feel alone even when i'm with someone. Why? because even when i got someone it seems no one but me can pick up my pieces and hold my pain and handle my ****. No one can do it for me. I have to do it for me so even with someone I feel as if i'm all alone to handle my mess.
I think being alone allows someone to work on themselves I think if you cant be good alone how will you be good with someone?
At the same time I struggle to accept the support that might be handed to me saying something like no no i'm ok I got this when I could make my life a ton easier if i'd accept a little help now and then (this is something I'm working on).
Being alone offers some good quiet time. Its nice to not have to put up with someone else etc..
I've been in a predicament where i had no friends for a while. Now i have a few friends online but no local friends. Its a strange spot to be in. At first I thought well its just me now this is cool it'll be a challenge and rather interesting.
Over time I realized I need someone.
My point to you is its ok to be alone for a time it can be good too.
To add a twist I can be difficult to be friends with as I like to take people out spend time with them etc.. then put them back in the little box on the shelf and only deal with them when i feel like it and on my terms. That is a very selfish thing for me to do. As sometimes people want me for me and something I could offer them etc.. and I find I'll hold that back cause it might not be on my terms.
I guess there is many ways to view our interactions with others.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 286
Originally Posted by soberwolf
Are you scared of being alone for a while ?
it was very useful for me in my first months scary at first but then you learn to deal with things alone looking after yourself etc
it was very useful for me in my first months scary at first but then you learn to deal with things alone looking after yourself etc
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
I love her and want her to be happy whether it's with me or not. So feeling confused and heartbroken I started flirting with someone on facebook. Now I feel guilty for all kinds of reasons. I'm also scared it's over for good and I'll be alone forever.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
I want to support the experience of flirting (although we all use that word in many ways - so - to clarify - I mean paying attention to the ladies, noticing that you are attracted, being charming, lots of eye contact, etc.). You flirted on Facebook, so I'm assuming it was "words of interest." You have just been "left" by a partner. Of course you are seeking validation. Of course you are curious as to whether you can still spark while chatting someone up.
You have done nothing wrong. You do not need to feel guilty.
It may be over for good. You will likely love again. I have lost loves and thought I would never love again, and...I have loved again...
I am single. I made that commitment when I returned to sobriety after a relapse this summer. My relapses have been intimately connected with my relationship behaviors, and I decided that it would be healthy to be alone for a bit and sort myself out. But I didn't commit to refusing validation and/or flirting during this period! I do have men friends who I am clearly not attracted to (or vice-versa) and do put energy into connecting with them in a friendship way, but if I meet someone that I do find attractive, I am attentive to them. I'm working on building clear boundaries (something I've never been good at), and a fair amount of relationship possibility confusion provides me with the opportunity to PRACTICE new behaviors.
The things I am working on directly, in relation to emotional/sexual relationship are:
Making sure that I am CHOOSING the person, rather than simply being flattered that they have chosen me. I've had a couple of opportunities in this last six months to realize that it is the attention from someone that is accelerating me, and not the person themselves. This has been a fascinating revelation.
Giving myself permission to say "no" at any point in the process. As a girl, I was taught that if you - for example - kissed someone, then you HAD to have sex with them, because you'd "started something." Gee, who taught me this? Disturbing... At any rate, I've had a couple of experiences where I've shared a kiss (or two) with someone I'm interested in, and then, upon evaluating the circumstances decided that they were not a good candidate for relationship and let it go before going further.
I've become clear that I am only looking for a relationship (although I am open about what that looks like - could be living together, could be seeing each other a couple of nights a week but not living together, etc.). In my drinking past, I was willing to have "friends with benefits" type relationships without any definition or commitment. In sobriety, I realize that this makes me uncomfortable and hurts my feelings. I've had the opportunity to reject this possible arrangement a few times now in these last six months, and every time that I do so, I feel empowered and good about myself.
Finally, I have gathered my courage and asked someone I found attractive on a date (choosing rather than being chosen). The date went very well, and then I asked them on a second date, and they were vague about their availability. I dropped it and moved on. This is revolutionary for me - both the boldness to ask them, and the ability to just "give it to God" and recognize that if they weren't as blown away by my fabulousness as I had hoped, I was fine with that/couldn't control it.
So, these are my powerful learnings. I could not have learned, practiced, or understood any of them had I not allowed myself a bit of flirtation, a date here and there, and a lot of associated self examination.
I think our responsibility to others is that we don't start up confused and confusing relationships while we are rebounding or newly sober. We're definitely not ready to make any commitments or promises. But the exploration of what we want, what kind of partners we actually are, what our deepest dreams for relationship are, what our boundaries are, how to say "no", and how to say "yes" - this is a valuable aspect of our sobriety journey.
Being single and sober has both gifts and challenges - exactly as does being coupled and coming into sobriety while dealing with an existing relationship.
You have done nothing wrong. You do not need to feel guilty.
It may be over for good. You will likely love again. I have lost loves and thought I would never love again, and...I have loved again...
I am single. I made that commitment when I returned to sobriety after a relapse this summer. My relapses have been intimately connected with my relationship behaviors, and I decided that it would be healthy to be alone for a bit and sort myself out. But I didn't commit to refusing validation and/or flirting during this period! I do have men friends who I am clearly not attracted to (or vice-versa) and do put energy into connecting with them in a friendship way, but if I meet someone that I do find attractive, I am attentive to them. I'm working on building clear boundaries (something I've never been good at), and a fair amount of relationship possibility confusion provides me with the opportunity to PRACTICE new behaviors.
The things I am working on directly, in relation to emotional/sexual relationship are:
Making sure that I am CHOOSING the person, rather than simply being flattered that they have chosen me. I've had a couple of opportunities in this last six months to realize that it is the attention from someone that is accelerating me, and not the person themselves. This has been a fascinating revelation.
Giving myself permission to say "no" at any point in the process. As a girl, I was taught that if you - for example - kissed someone, then you HAD to have sex with them, because you'd "started something." Gee, who taught me this? Disturbing... At any rate, I've had a couple of experiences where I've shared a kiss (or two) with someone I'm interested in, and then, upon evaluating the circumstances decided that they were not a good candidate for relationship and let it go before going further.
I've become clear that I am only looking for a relationship (although I am open about what that looks like - could be living together, could be seeing each other a couple of nights a week but not living together, etc.). In my drinking past, I was willing to have "friends with benefits" type relationships without any definition or commitment. In sobriety, I realize that this makes me uncomfortable and hurts my feelings. I've had the opportunity to reject this possible arrangement a few times now in these last six months, and every time that I do so, I feel empowered and good about myself.
Finally, I have gathered my courage and asked someone I found attractive on a date (choosing rather than being chosen). The date went very well, and then I asked them on a second date, and they were vague about their availability. I dropped it and moved on. This is revolutionary for me - both the boldness to ask them, and the ability to just "give it to God" and recognize that if they weren't as blown away by my fabulousness as I had hoped, I was fine with that/couldn't control it.
So, these are my powerful learnings. I could not have learned, practiced, or understood any of them had I not allowed myself a bit of flirtation, a date here and there, and a lot of associated self examination.
I think our responsibility to others is that we don't start up confused and confusing relationships while we are rebounding or newly sober. We're definitely not ready to make any commitments or promises. But the exploration of what we want, what kind of partners we actually are, what our deepest dreams for relationship are, what our boundaries are, how to say "no", and how to say "yes" - this is a valuable aspect of our sobriety journey.
Being single and sober has both gifts and challenges - exactly as does being coupled and coming into sobriety while dealing with an existing relationship.
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