suicideseason

so i got my 30 day chip. my sons born at 2am this morning. I get to barely see him. Got to see someone else hold em thru a window for like 2 minutes that was it. Ive discovered that i am actively hurting myself through cutting. It helps with the anxiety. Nobody will ever see it. Idont have company and i dont ever not have pants on. Thought about going to the emergency room thing but just small town stuff i dont really think thats a good idea. all these charges oh hes cutting suicidal... yeah. I went to court and Im looking at 2 years to a max of 3 years for my ex attacking me while i was drunk. so im just checked out i would like someone to talk too. But thats just to much to ask . Sobriety just means hey come **** on me. I went looking for a liquor store to buy booze but their closed for holidays here in utah. I would be totally trashed if they were open. Im ready to just be done with everything.

Axiom

I am so sorry to hear you are having such a tough time.

You are still early in your sobriety but please believe the anxiety will fade with time. For me it took three months. I know for me at 30 days I was so confused,depressed, anxious, sad, scared, angry and more. I here I read that it would pass it I stayed sober and for the most part it has. That's not to say i don't still struggle but it is much easier to see how to deal with problems and it's only been a short while longer. I can only believe it will get better.

Please don't drink and reconsider emergency room. Your records will be kept private and all it could do is help.

You mention a 30 chip. Congratulations! That is a huge accomplishment. Perhaps reading the promises will help give you strength.

suicideseason

promises?

Nonsensical

That's a big plate full of problems you're dealing with. You should look these guys up: The Salvation Army - Home , they specialize in helping people sort through things.

Best of Luck on Your Journey!

Lostinhk

30 days is excellent mate... and as the others said, there's quite a few places you can turn to for help.

Don't give up here, you've come too far already. Here's praying for you.

SoberMama13

I was a cutter,too. It was its own addiction. Took me a long time to stop. You have a lot on your plate, but if you really want to "stick it to everyone" (I sense some anger in your post), what about showing up to life and being the best man you can be in the face of all this difficulty?
30 days is amazing! Please keep going. Please consider getting some help with your self harming ideations so you can learn to be a true daddy, ok? Praying.

sugarbear1

You got that 30 day chip, why not work those 12 steps, too? That is where change really happens!!!

sending you love and hugs. things will get better!

suicideseason

ive emailed the salvation army a few weeks ago havent herd anything. Ive asked a place down here but its such a small town they view me as criminal whatever say " yeah uh huh ok" "we will help bla" then i leave and they just clock out for the day ive asked some places for help, its draining me keeping me like im in a circle. stuck between walls just let everyone rape whatever hole on me and Im suppose to smile. swallow their load too im sure. I cant handle the anxiety its affecting my life a lot. My sponsors in vegas he has his own life. If i muster up talking to anyone else in person its just hey come have a drink, or they start yelling at me. I dont want to, for my son i want to live. but im ready to just write him a note saying have a good life since I cannot touch him then go buy a gun wander into the caves and just be done.

suicideseason

started hanging out in cemetaries, im sure theyll only complain when i start to. so better than being alone.

Ruby2

Call a suicide hotline to see if they can sort things out. Going into a cave and shooting yourself isn't the solution. You are having a really hard time. Its hard. You are reaching out here but we are limitedin what we can do. Try to reach out in real life.

ScottFromWI

Please go to the emergency room or call 911 if you are contemplating suicide. You need help now far more intensive than we can provide here on an online message board.

Morning Glory

My son's father took his own life when my son was 18 months old.
My son never got over that even though he was so young when it happened.

If you can't go to the ER for yourself, go for your new son. You may not know it, but your life has a huge impact on your son.

The social workers in the ER have more information and access to help that you don't have.

hopeful4

Please go to the ER. It would be the best thing you can do for yourself. You admit you are in a place you need help. You are reaching out, and that is great. You just need to reach out face to fact to the right people who can truly help you.

You are worth it. Your child is worth it. Your life is worth it.

Please know we back you up. I am hoping and praying with all my heart that you reach out for the help that you so deserve.

XXX

alaina742

THIS. Times one hundred.

My cousin's father killed himself when he was 12. My cousin grew up and committed suicide. His poor son was 17. Let's hope the cycle ends there.

suicideseason

maybe later. was just at the hospital to see my son. Not sure doing this while hes being born isnt good. Not sure even going is good. I also know im the problem. Look at what ive cause what ive been through where i put everyone. Im the problem. Im sure if he knew he would be sad but his moms pretty enough she can have a guy a day Im sure he wouldnt know. Hes a pretty awesome little boy for only getting to see him 30 minutes. Thanks for ur support. Im not sure what I am going to do.

Dee74

I know several people here on this site who lost fathers or mothers when they were young or not even born.

The idea that parents are not missed in that situation is just wrong, man - there's often a deep sense of loss that stays with them.

None of us are professionals here ss - we can offer you advice and support...but if you're feeling suicidal professional help is needed.

The ER is a good idea, and there's a lot of crisis lines and other forums here dedicated to suicide (and to cutting):

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html

D

Serotonin

I can't say I know how you feel but I can tell you I have been going through the ringer in my own way. I used to cut too. I felt like I looked for help and couldn't find it. I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone's business. I went a long time feeling suicidal. At some point I was able to fight through the seemingly impossible situation and found a way to reach out. I can tell you that suicide is no solution. Drinking is no solution. If you are feeling that helpless go to the ER and tell them. If you can't do it for you right now do it for your baby boy.

Nonsensical

I have 3 children. Those powerful feelings your son inspires in you get better, stronger, deeper. The best is yet to come.

Your head's a mess right now, but it can get sorted out. Get some help, get better, and stick around. You can't do everything you want for that boy, but you can do this.

Gonnachange

All I can add is that as a parent I often take a great amount of motivation to stay sober because I want to be a good example to my kids and be a part of their lives. Be strong for your son; he deserves it.

dsmaxis10

Drinking will only make things worse sending a prayer your way.