suicideseason

thanks.im finding soberiety to be easier than dealing with wanting to hurt myself. i havent.

i dont want you to think im ignoring your advice by not going to the er. Ill post here atleast before i act on anything but i just dont want this town knowing everything wrong with me. and i dont even know them.

suicideseason

delete p?lease

suicideseason

feel free if u want to pm if ur willing. Just in this situation asking for help talking to lawyers calling people im kinda drained on reaching out but if someone wants to talk i will talk. i just need help getting out of my head sometimes and this is the scariest thing ive ever done.

i hope the night finds yall well.

courage2

Please seek some face-to-face support. You say you think the people in the town don't respect you -- but often you can get better care in a hospital than from a person on the street. It's their job to help you. Scary yes. But how much worse could it be than what you're going through?

suicideseason

It would just add to everything. goto a.a. Went to another group in the next town over. also a little worried about money and help nothings free. I called a suicide hotline a few years back it.. is intresting id rather not call..I find when i talk people arent qualified for my problems also and refer you to another and its just id rather not go through all that. Im already filled day wise. Man am i just running on e or what i havent ate dinner i gotta be up for work in 5 hours and it can get worse if it wants to. Life is a mofo.

serenityfreedom

A.A. is free. go to sleep. You will feel different in the morning. Everything is awesome, you have a new baby boy. you have a month clean. What are you complaining about. put your pants on in the morning. there are no problems that drinking won't make worse.

suicideseason

I didnt even sleep. was going to call off but ehhh. i need money

ImperfectlyMe

I'm a suicide survivor, I was left by my fathers death. I can't tell you how much the way he died ****** me up. I am actively involved with a survivors support group. One of our facilitators is not a survivor but is a suicide hotline counselor, with our permission she invited one of the men who's call for help she received. He got a first hand look at the destruction suicide causes those left behind. Take the pain you feel right now and multiply it by 10 then throw it at every person who you love and loves you. And know that until they day they die they will sit with the guilt of wondering if they could have reached you, but didn't.

You need to get help now. Because yeah you could end it all and your boy is young enough to never know you. But he will always only have one daddy. And right now you have the power to manifest who that one daddy looks like. Help is out there, you just have to receive it.

You and your baby boy are in my thoughts and prayers. Make today the day to decide to find a way to end your pain NOT your life and your son's future pain of losing you!

thomas11

Hello SS, I've been reading your posts for awhile. I simply want to express my sympathy and wish you the very best in what appears to be a difficult situation.

suicideseason

I aint trying to dumb anything down but with what i'm experiencing a female can goto a court room and practically make any man the dad of their kid if the man wants as long as i belive their under the age of 5. |ont help medically wise but hes the dad. Its all what the papers say. im not acting on them but the thoughts are there. I bought a bottle, but i havent opened it, its put up. Not sure why i bought it. I dont have a desire to even taste booze anymore.I havent been this confused since i was a kid. I ask people if they need help for something they say no and get help from someone else. People offer to help me to get random stuff i guess i need and they don't come through.

what im learning in sobriety is, let people treat you like garbage. Dont expect anything to go your way. Because people need to treat you like garbage. Im guessing so they can see you break and not go use. and its all about other peoples convenience, to inconvenience you to deal with it. But it doesnt make sense. And above all, keep your mouth shut.I notice since ive been sober i say "i aint ****** stupid" a lot. Sober my first instinct is id say 98% right. with me being in recovery and have a case they play me like im a dweeb. and its fustrating.

suicideseason

the feeling i get from thinking about my son is amazing i just wish i could be there longer than 20 minutes. hes so precious and so little.

Notimetoloose

Hey SS, You have a lot going on, looking after yourself is what is needed the most now...
Get rid of the bottle, it just compounds things and will offer not a single good thing....
Emptying or tossing the bottle will feel amazing and it takes back a little bit of your power back.
You can do this.
We are all here for you.

suicideseason

taking care of myself! i try. I worry to much about my son and my ex and my charges, then you got work. get a huge feeling i need to save a hour or 2 for food. plus a.a., a.a. takes away from my eating time. Then you got all those people "where are you why arent you in a.a." . and well i havent ate in 2 days and ive probably slept a hour in 2 days. Feels like an excursion to make time for food. Half what makes it easy is i cant cook so the excursion feeling is huge. and daunting.

I wieghed 220 in september. went down to 180 right about now.

suicideseason

Sometimes i cant justify buying food... I got my exes place to pay , my place, right theres 800 bucks a month. then paying to help my daughter their taking away add another 300 to that and now my son. and i have a breath intake on my car thats 85 bucks a month. gas insurance... and now this lawyer in about 13 hours wans 1500 flat fee to help me parental wise, not with my criminal case.

I find it funny when people listen to me supporting my ex their like " ooohh youre such a good guy" obviously i ****** up so i aint. and even then nice guys fall short. so makes sense. now im sober. about the only thing i havent lost is my sense of humor but thats not really good when youre trying to be taken seriously

suicideseason

**** i didnt wanna read that **** im paying lol. im gonna try to sleep or lay in bed, whatever they call it these days.

autumn4

Congratulations on 30 days sober!
I am sorry that you are having a tough time..do you want to get well for yourself and your son?..you have to ask yourself that and then fight for it ..you deserve it!
Face to face support whatever it takes..please dont give up on yourself..remember you were once a tiny miracle just like your newborn son .

Berrybean

From what I remember, those first few months of sobriety were the hardest. Not the bit about physically not picking up a drink, but dealing with all those things that I'd managed to avoid thinking about for years and years. I got severe washing machine head, and felt confused and emotionally raw the whole time. It's no good replacing one addiction (alcohol) with another (cutting). You have to work through all that pain so you can learn how beautiful life can be, and who you are, without it's ties. Even when I finally took myself to AA, realised that there ARE people there you can trust, and got some support it was a tough first year. I don't mean to sound melodramatic, but I'm not sure I'd have survived this first year without the fellowship.

Things will get better, but at the moment you're wasting so much emotional energy on resentments that you're making things tougher than they need to be. Honestly - let AA help you. The tools are there. There is hope.

suicideseason

what am i resenting? someone else has said that to me, and im not sure.

suicideseason

got a lawyer. feeling not so alone. feelings of hurting myself are subsiding. I find i cannot really talk to anyone who isnt going thru the sober thing. they are negative. flip stuff back on you and its annoying. when youre just trying to talk to them.

Berrybean

I know what you mean about people not understanding if they're not going through this themselves. And yes, they flip it back on you (challenge you) because you staying sober challenges them and their preconceived perceptions of you. People don't like to be proved wrong. You can do a lot of that proving them wrong in years to come if you want to you know.

Basically, the term "I resent that..." could be rephrased as "I'm pi**ed off that ...." All those "I'm pi**ed off"s take up a huge amount of energy and focus and stop you being happy. It's tempting to think that if you lose the resentment, somehow the other person won. What I've learnt over time is that it's the only way to win in a world where people don't always treat each other well. Often, when I calm down and lose the resentment over a situation I'm able to see my part in things clearer as well.

EG. When I was little I had a best buddy who lived opposite me. We did everything together over the years (not in a sexy way ), shared hopes and dreams and secrets. We made all sorts of plans and promises, such as that we would be each others bridesmaids. For 14 years that promise was there. Then I started boozing, and she started growing up. When she chose another close friend to be her bridesmaid, and didn't even offer me an explanation. Some kind of best-friend-promise huh!! I held massive resentments about those broken childhood promises. For years. It got to the stage that what with that, and the fact that she didn't come to the pub to see me, that I stopped seeing her altogether. This may all seem like a silly thing to you and others reading this, but to me it was massive. It stopped me wanting / trusting other female friends. And whenever someone mentioned her name, then I'd start feeling angry and upset all over again. Often I'd have a little cry about it. It was all so unfair...
Now I've been sober a while I managed to get over that resentment. I started by accepting that things change, and childhood promises aren't a for-life contract. Once I'd calmed down I realised that actually I'd stopped showing any interest in HER before that. It's not lie I'd called and asked about her wedding plans, or asked to meet her husband-to-be. And, every time she'd seen me for the last year before the wedding I'd been a drunken mess. Of COURSE she didn't ask me to be bridesmaid. (Guess who I went to see last night and has a lovely catch-up chat with!!)

I also resented the teacher who sexually abused me when I was a school-girl (which I won't go into so much) - which is much 'bigger' thing. The feelings it left me with are the same feelings. Hurt. Anger. Confusion. Embarrassment. Not all logical, but they're feeling. Sometimes feelings aren't logical. Now, I could go around the rest of my life feeling those feelings, and be 'justified' for doing so. BUT. Those feelings weren't helping me. Those feelings were making me continue to be his puppet. The way I win is by deciding to move on. By deciding that yes, I was afraid. Yes, I was angry. And now I'm going to live a happy life despite him. This is something that I still need to work on, but I'm already feeling more empowered.

You said your sponsor is off living his own life (??) in Vegas. Can you call him? Can you talk these resentments through with some of the other folk at your AA meeting?

Anyway, reading between the lines, it sounds like some of the delicacies of your plate of resentments at the moment are...

...I get to barely see my son
...I'm looking at 2 years to a max of 3 years for my ex attacking me while i was drunk
...I would like someone to talk too. But that's just to much to ask
...I've emailed the salvation army a few weeks ago and haven't heard anything
...its such a small town they view me as criminal
...in sobriety people treat you like garbage
...they play me like I'm a dweeb. and its frustrating
...sometimes I can't afford time or money for food

Sounds like you need to talk to your sponsor (or someone else in AA) asap. Maybe it will eat into your cooking / eating time, but if it stops you feeling like killing yourself, you might just have that mouth to feed for a bit longer. You take care!