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Who am I, really?

Old 02-16-2015, 03:27 PM
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Who am I, really?

The following is a quote from another thread....

"I just want to have the "me" that I was before I started all of this nonsense"

It tapped into something that I've been pondering lately.

Who am I? That is to say.... Who or what is the "sober" me?

I started smoking marijuana in my late teens (with some LSD tossed into the mix for about two years).... then the pot gave way to alcohol. Like many people it wasn't a problem for a while but has been for about the past decade.

So when people talk about being their "clean" self... I'm not sure what that means for myself. I basically haven't been totally sober at all in my adult life (except for the past 17 days) so I'm not sure what being sober returns me to.... if "return" is the right word to begin with.
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Old 02-16-2015, 03:31 PM
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I'm right there with you, Belgian. I've been a heavy drinker for most of my adult life so I never developed into...whatever it is that I'm SUPPOSED to be.

I guess we're going to find out, huh?
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Old 02-16-2015, 03:44 PM
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I hope you stay sober because you'll be amazed at the person that emerges. With addiction comes a lot of self-hate and that starts to lighten because we're taking care of ourselves. I describe early sobriety (the first four months) as being an emotional roller coaster ("24 hour a day PMS in a full moon") but we stabilize the longer we're away from alcohol/drugs. I don't think there's any bigger shift in consciousness than going from being an active addict to a sober person. It's only today we don't drink. That's it. But they add up and gradually we come out of the fog and turn into real people. Best news -- the things we don't like in ourselves we can change. Cognitive therapy helps a great deal and the 12 Steps changed my life.

I remember one beautiful October day I looked out the window and saw people walking around enjoying the day. I thought: I wonder how they do that, because I couldn't go out. Then on Oct. 12, 1991 I had my last drink and now I have a full life. Plenty of problems (mainly my own doing) but there is hope now. Before there was none.

A big hug
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Old 02-16-2015, 03:46 PM
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Congrats on 17 days

I guess your going to find out who you are then...know there is 24h support for the harder days early recovery is like a rollercoaster

Keep up the good work bud
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Old 02-16-2015, 03:57 PM
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I found a me I'd forgotten - it didn't matter to me that it had been 30 years since I'd last been that person...it was like coming home

D
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Old 02-16-2015, 04:06 PM
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Originally Posted by SDH73 View Post
I'm right there with you, Belgian. I've been a heavy drinker for most of my adult life so I never developed into...whatever it is that I'm SUPPOSED to be.

I guess we're going to find out, huh?
yep you both will and enjoy the ride. To be honest its kinda scary and fun learning who you are. You will get a whole new lease on life. With over 3 yars sobriety i'm still getting to know myself. Its kinda fun to be honest.
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Old 02-16-2015, 04:29 PM
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Thanks to all.

Part of me is excited to see who emerges from the drunken fog.... well, excited might be an overstatement.... but curious anyway. I feel a bit like a lump of clay that was just put into the kiln and we'll see what comes out when the clay hardens.

As far as emotions go.... really no issue when I'm with my wife/son or at work when I'm socializing. When left to my own devices I would say it's not much of a roller coaster. It's pretty much just a consistent, somber mood.

I believe that I may get a much needed boost in the spring. Right now where I live we are in the midst of a freezing spell with no end in sight. Earlier tonight (as I was pacing the house wishing there was some booze in the house) I realized that it was only 7:00PM and if it were summer time... rather than being stuck in the house I could/would be at the playground or the pool with my son. I keep telling myself to just hang in there. As Tom Hanks said (paraphrase) in Cast Away.... "You never know what's just over the horizon and what tomorrow will bring."
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Old 02-16-2015, 04:32 PM
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Part of me is excited to see who emerges from the drunken fog.... well, excited might be an overstatement.... but curious anyway. I feel a bit like a lump of clay that was just put into the kiln and we'll see what comes out when the clay hardens.
Its cool because you get to help play a role in who that person is gonna be. That being said you get to be who you want to be. Whoever that person is that will make you happy thats what starts to emerge.
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Old 02-16-2015, 04:33 PM
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Originally Posted by zjw View Post
Its cool because you get to help play a role in who that person is gonna be.
Thanks for the reminder.
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Old 02-16-2015, 04:34 PM
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oh and other people can have a tough time with this by the way. In my case it didnt work out well with my relations with everyone. Some faces leave some faces come. Some of the faces that stick around wonder who the heck am I. There have been fun moments too where people are like what are you doing that for you wacko and I just laugh.
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Old 02-16-2015, 04:41 PM
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Originally Posted by zjw View Post
oh and other people can have a tough time with this by the way. In my case it didnt work out well with my relations with everyone. Some faces leave some faces come. Some of the faces that stick around wonder who the heck am I. There have been fun moments too where people are like what are you doing that for you wacko and I just laugh.
To that end... I have definitely started to take another look at who my "friends" are/were.

Disclaimers:
1) I am NOT blaming anyone but myself for my previous binges.
2) I haven't mentioned my quitting drinking to anyone outside of my home.

That being said, in just the past 2+ weeks I'm starting to see who my legitimate friends are. The people that, for whatever reason, seem to have a vested interest in my well being (and I reciprocate in kind).
But there were those people who, it seems, I would only communicate with then intoxicated. As my buzzed/drunk calls/texts stopped and were replaced by sober, dare I say, meaningful/thoughtful ones.... it seems those whom I THOUGHT were friends seemed to disappear.
It's that type of clarity that I'm starting to appreciate. Life is too short to spend time on those who seem to gravitate towards you when you are at your worst.
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Old 02-16-2015, 04:45 PM
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"I just want to have the "me" that I was before I started all of this nonsense"
The "me" that I was before I started all of the drinking nonsense was looking to fill a void in my life.

I hope I never end up back there.

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Old 02-16-2015, 04:46 PM
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Congratulations on 17 days you'll find a better self all the sober people in AA say they do I had four years once it was great 54 days now feeling a lot better like I can do this again. Alcohol a depressant it takes awhile to re-adjust.
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Old 02-16-2015, 04:53 PM
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Originally Posted by Belgian View Post
To that end... I have definitely started to take another look at who my "friends" are/were.

Disclaimers:
1) I am NOT blaming anyone but myself for my previous binges.
2) I haven't mentioned my quitting drinking to anyone outside of my home.

That being said, in just the past 2+ weeks I'm starting to see who my legitimate friends are. The people that, for whatever reason, seem to have a vested interest in my well being (and I reciprocate in kind).
But there were those people who, it seems, I would only communicate with then intoxicated. As my buzzed/drunk calls/texts stopped and were replaced by sober, dare I say, meaningful/thoughtful ones.... it seems those whom I THOUGHT were friends seemed to disappear.
It's that type of clarity that I'm starting to appreciate. Life is too short to spend time on those who seem to gravitate towards you when you are at your worst.
Yes I think its beneficial for some to be around you when your at your worst. The minute you improve its not very comfortable them. It can kinda stink but its usually for the better.

In my case i'm trying to find more positive like minded friends still its taking me some time.
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Old 02-16-2015, 04:54 PM
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Originally Posted by Boleo View Post
The "me" that I was before I started all of the drinking nonsense was looking to fill a void in my life.

I hope I never end up back there.

I always look forward to your posts they always offer the twist.
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