alaina742

Again, this is about another fellowship, but I'm posting here because of the traffic this forum gets.

So. I'm in a position where I keep trying and trying to get past this addiction. And I keep failing. And failing. Times ten thousand. I CANNOT get it. The one thing that trips me up over and over again? My job.

I feel like I can get ten days, a week, whatever, but then work happens and all bets are off. I feel like as long as I work there, I will not be able to stop.

What do I do? Believe me when I say I've tried everything at work. I've gotten down on my hands and knees and begged God for help on many, many occasions. No matter how much I try, it just doesn't get better. This has been status quo for YEARS. Years!!!!

Leaving is HUGE and will literally alter the course of my life. And it's not like it's just the type of job like waitressing (which I also do and enjoy)- just go work at another restaurant- there's a million! It's a very specific field niche and once I leave, that's basically the end of me working in that profession, the profession I went to school to do.

I don't know how much more I can take. It's bad. Performance evaluation bad. Reviewing me and all the things I'm not doing. Agree to do x, y, z and if I don't meet those standards, they can move to fire me. My butt is on the line. Much of this is because of the depression- Jesus, my dad just died so I'm not exactly myself these days. I think the depression is related to the job because no matter what I do to make it better, it always comes back.

It's like the chicken and the egg- which on comes first? An I depressed and addicted because of my job, or am I having problems at work because of my depression and addiction? Does it matter which came first? All I know is they fuel each other like gasoline fuels a fire.

Do I make changes early in recovery? What recovery do I have to even say it's early recovery, if I keep screwing up? Wth do I do?

Belgian

Without knowing your profession, I can't comment too much on that except to say (just being honest) that I struggle to believe there is a single field where there is only a single company and should you leave that particular place, you will never find work again in that field.

Also, without knowing the type of work, I can't understand the correlation between the job and alcohol. I spent years blaming (in part) the stresses of the job and using that as an excuse to get drunk. Turns out that was just my perception.

All that notwithstanding, what does it matter if your career goals get met if you are destroying your body, mind and I'll take a shot in the dark and say destroying relationships? Is the trade-off worth it?

If I can put a silver lining on it, the fact that you logged on here and expressed concern means that at least part of you is looking to make things better.

Good luck!

Mrrryah1

I don't have any good advice, I just wanted to say I relate. I feel the exact same way.

PurpleKnight

When I quit drinking, my performance at work improved, my yearly appraisal turned out better than I had received in a long time, my productivity increased, I was given extra responsibilities, overall everything about my job took a turn for the better.

Alcohol is doing you no favours when it comes to work, I learned that in hindsight, do you really think that drinking and arriving into work with a hangover is improving the situation? make Sobriety your foundation and at least then if it is a case of being incompatible with the job, then you can say it had nothing to do with your addiction, but you'll never know unless you try.

Alcohol, don't get me wrong helped me to deal with stress at work, but the reality is there is always going to be work, and stress, and many other curve balls thrown in our direction in life, but we can't keep going back to the default of drinking, we need to find and learn new ways of dealing with life, that's the challenge in Sobriety.

For me, Sobriety came first and life took a turn for the better in every area including my work life!!

alaina742

It's a government job. There is no civilian counterpart. I'd be starting from scratch with no relevant experience in a field that is not exactly in demand. Basically, I would be ending that career. I'm okay with that, because if I leave, I want to go back to school anyway.

I do feel like my illness is directly related to my job. Nothing else in my life is triggering. If I'm off for three days, I'm totally fine.

Dee74

I felt that way too. Then I lost my career through my drinking.

Maybe you need to turn this around - you can't change the job but you can change yourself

what stress does your job put you under? what feelings does it make you feel?

how else could you deal with it without drinking?

could you prioritise, or delegate...speak to your supervisor about being overwhelmed...

If the answer is no to any changes then, frankly, you need another job - so if you want this job, really go at it and find other ways

D

freshstart57

You can look deeper and deeper, at both your mental health and your personal situation, and I think you will find alcohol at the bottom of all of it. Ditch the alcohol first, just as a general direction, and plan to stick with it no matter what. Do this thing live, in other words. Trust that you will work your way through these other challenges, and that your natural intrinsic self-ness will prevail. But there is this - you can't access your strong and natural self while drinking, the drinking has to go first.

Make that promise to yourself, Alaina. You deserve this. You can do it, you really can.

Belgian

Fellow government worker. I spent the first 15 years on the private side then the last 3 working for a large city.

Without revealing too much (on-line safety first).... may I ask what it is about your job that you perceive as a cause for your dependency?

zjw

I feel as if I could have written your post to the letter. The difference is I sobered up 3.5 years ago. And guess what? I'm still miserable about my job. I still hate it my performance is still in the ******* and i'm still trapped and i'm still completely blowing off my responsiblityes at times becuase i just cant stomach it. BUT i'm sober now. and I'm very thankful to be sober. and let me tell you it is HARD HARD HARD to stomach my job. I can smash a wall but I will not drink. I'll go for another run. I'll go for another walk. I'll say another prayer But i will not drink. I'll be unemployed sooner or later and my carreer will also be toast becuase If I loose this job I'm pretty SOL as well and Like you if i loose my carreer thats no big deal I hate doing this anymore anyhow. But I have a wife and kids so i keep at the very least showing up to work each day and for some reason they have not fired me yet.

So yes You can sober up. You can still hate your job. But you'll be sober.

now while i still despise my job its probably one of the very few problems i have anymore ::knock on wood:: sobering up has allowed me to improve so many other aspects of my life maybe thats why I have not just walked off the job yet?

If you hate your job so much why do you allow it to keep you drunk and ruining your life with booze? I mean think about it why do you allow it to do this to you? Your allowing it to get the best of you. and I'm just as guilty myself sometimes i have a rough day and i'm a bear to deal with but then i think hey wait why am i letting this place i despise get the best of me?

Do you want to continue to feel this bad? keep drinking. want a change? quit drinking.

Your job situation may or may not improve. You also might end up simply loosing your job either way sober or not. But if you lost your job would you wanna be sober? Or would you have another excuse to drink then?

I wont lie i question why i do all this jolly do gooder stuff now. I eat right i exercise i dont drink i'm a real bore ! OH it'd be so easy to give into my bad day and get trashed! But I know that is only going to make matters worse and give me even more problems on top of my already crummy job situation.

One thing that helps me is i'll focus on what makes me happy and blow off my job. I know some may not agree with this approach but its that bad and like i said I might loose this job anyhow till then I should do what ever i can to cope each day with a smile. So yes i've been known to be like screw this and go for a 20 min walk on company time. why? it saves my sanity it keeps my smile and thats more important to me then any stinking job anyday. In my case I could be SOL either way I'm better served to go down with a smile then I am in a miserable ball of flames.

If you like to read maybe try reading the power of now by eckhart tolle that helped me a lot. My only gripe is i have a short term memory and dont always remember the stuff I learned in that book in the heat of the moment. But it was still beneficial.

I know one person has a quote "let go or be dragged" on this board.

another one is by eckhart tolle something along the lines of "life is only as serious as the mind makes it out to be"

I hope it works out for you I can certainly relate and feel bad your in this boat it stinks! But it will get better if you sober up.

alaina742

I get so anxious and depressed when I'm there. I just need something to get through it all. When I'm there, it's literally screaming at me, my addiction. I can't fight it all day every day. I simply can't do it.

And it's worse because now there's a backlog and then it gets me even more depressed and anxious. It's gotten so bad. I cleaned some of it up last week but they want a paper for every action, so right now I owe them about 100 of these papers. I get overwhelmed by the "100" so I simply don't do any.

Ironically, working in the restaurant, no problems there. Time goes quickly and I don't really have time to think, period. People are friendly and we work together and then before I know it, the day is over. No triggers there- with a full restaurant and fully stocked bar. Oh the irony.

Someone please explain how I can work around my DOC and handle it all day and not be triggered, but typing up a paper triggers me.

It's so bad. I have that meeting on the 24th. I have to talk to my boss and his boss (who I despise with the fire of a thousand suns) about why it's a mess. Then I sign a paper saying it won't get this bad. If it happens again, they can fire me. That's where we are at. They are legally taking this step so that when/if it happens again, they can go ahead and just fire me.

Do I tell them I have depression? Which I do- believe me, it's well documented. Do I tell them I am struggling since my dad died? Or just say nothing? My mind is telling me to just sit there and smile like I've taken an Ativan and call it a day. These are not people known for their compassion. I've sat by helplessly and wAtched them destroy other people. And make jokes about it. Laugh about havig made someone cry. One lawyer recounted the story of how she was at a serious meeting and an elderly woman in attendance was so upset she had a heart attack. Laughing, she says, now I have a reputation. My boss's boss, the one I don't like, was just laughing and laughing at this. Because someone died!!!! That's what I'm dealing with here.

I'm too kind, I'm not data driven, I'm not maintaining a database. One half of my job, the half that deals with working with people, I am the best- i genuinely believe this. out of all the people in my program, i am the beat at working with the public. I'm gifted at this. People will do anything I ask of them, because I've built the relationships and they trust me. But, none of this matters if your database is not in order.

If it wasn't for the part of my job where I get to work with people, I would have been out the door in the first year. I'm NOT an office person, not a computer person, not a paperwork person. Not in the least.

So, in addition to my own problems with office work, there are great discrepancies in how I feel things should be handled versus how the powers that be think they should be handled. I'm not heavy handed. At all.

I've been thinking and thinking. I REALLY want to go back to school for nursing. I still have to apply again. I applied last year and go accepted, by I freaked out at the background check and never followed through. This year, I will. I could go to school full time in the day and work in the restaurant at night. I could even sell my house and buy a cheaper house and save money. I could rely on loans if times get rough. Within the two years it would take me to finish school, HOPEFULLY my pardon will be granted, or at least the decision will be made. And then I'm done and I can get a good nursing job, and I can go to work and be busy and help people and put this all behind me once and for all.

I honestly believe my life would get exponentially easier if I never had to go back there. I feel like a terrible person all the time, because I know I'm not doing my job as I should. Oh, the guilt. Which makes me depressed. And makes the addiction worse. Peor ask me what I want. Well, what I want is simple: I want to be a good person. And right now, I know I'm a piece of s*** employee.

doggonecarl

Recovery has to come first. Has to. And you do what you have to do to support your sobriety. To not is to support your addiction. If that continues, you may lose your job anyway, with choice taken completely out of your hands.

Dee74

By the time I quit drinking, everything was a trigger for me to quit.

It wasn't easy but I learned that just because something is a trigger, it doesn't mean I have to go off

If you're depressed please see a professional about it.

As far as work goes, I used to work in Government, and even though I'm obviously not American, there was a lot of help for people here with all kinds of issues....it must be the same there.

You do not have to mention you are alcoholic, if the problem is depression and anxiety.

PS our posts crossed - I was under the impression from your earlier post that you wanted to hang on to this job by hook or by crook...bit if this job is not your dream, and it's making you ill, by all means alaina - look for another job

D

alaina742

Do I bother to tell them I'm depressed? I'm afraid because they're mean, first and foremost; and because it's embarrassing.

I've done every kind of help you can do- inpatient, outpatient, therapy. And here I am. I don't know what else I could possibly do at this point.

ScottFromWI

Alaina, there is stress in every job. There are bad bosses, bad decisions beyond your control, office politics and the like in every industry. While your current job may not be the best, you won't escape any of those things just by getting a different one. The problems will just take differnt form.

How about concentrating on what you can do to help you deal with the stress in a way other than drinking? What have you tried so far?

alaina742

I feel like this is going to happen if I'm totally honest. I do things all the time that would qualify me for being fired if they knew about them.

That's why I'd just rather leave on my own.

alaina742

But, I've world at other jobs while working at this job and I've never felt this way anywhere else. I can't explain it any better than that. THIS JOB triggers me, specifically, this job.

I've done therapy, intensive therapy, partial programs, inpatient, coping skills, meetings, prayer, I feel like I've tried it all.

Belgian

It almost sounds like you already have an escape route in the works from your current position (via nursing). It also sounds like that may be your calling since you seem to be a natural at dealing with people. My wife works in the medical field and it is the perfect place for her because when people come into the emergency room and they are scared, she is the exact right person to calm their fears. It sounds like you may have some of those qualities.

For the mean time, I absolutely know what you mean about the build-up of "papers." As I mentioned, I'm in a government agency as well and although I'm sure our situations are very different, it seems like some things are the same. More often than not people in my office are doing nothing and little by little everything creeps onto my desk. Too often I have a suffocating sensation (sort of like you describe). For me, the only thing that seems to work is forgetting about the giant pile.... and just hitting them one at a time. (Keep in mind I'm a field person so I dread being in the office, so as far as the social aspects... I hear ya). Remember, no matter where you go, there will usually be at least ONE boss that is a #$%#$!!!

Addiction... depression... anxiety.... these are all things that are recognized as illnesses/disabilities. I know sometimes people view it as a stigma... but you may want to consider talking with your HR department (or at least start by speaking with your insurance provider).

To go back to your previous post, you should never feel that you are "trapped" at a job. We work to live, not the other way around.

Remember to breath. Deep calming breaths.

Dee74

Government jobs must be different there cos noone gave a damn here, least of all the bosses.

Pu it this way...step outside yourself for a moment...If you won't ask for help, you won't leave the job and you feel you've done everything, nothing works, and your only option to get through this job is to drink...where do you expect to end up alaina?

That's an impossibly tight corner you've painted yourself into.

D

Dee74

Government jobs must be different there cos noone gave a damn here, least of all the bosses.

Put it this way...step outside yourself for a moment...If you won't ask for help, you won't leave the job and you feel you've done everything, nothing works, and your only option to get through this job is to drink...where do you expect to end up alaina?

That's an impossibly tight corner you've painted yourself into.

D

alaina742

Thank you. The thing is, I have all these plans, but from the outside it sounds completely insane. To quit a great job and work in a restaurant. Heck, to quit working full time altogether when you own a house! And I just bought a car. And I hav no one to help me out if things go south; it's all on me.

I'm less afraid of what is going to happen and more afraid of how everyone else is going to react.

But then I think there might be a life beyond this, a life where I NEVER again get that sickened feeling again knowing I have to go in there and deal with it. And that's like the light at the end of the tunnel for me.