Late night thoughts..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Ascot
Posts: 73
Late night thoughts..
I went to sleep and woke up 2 hours later. Now I'm lying awake, my head whirring around, and thought I'd write my thoughts aloud.
I'm seeing myself for the first time, by hearing other people share. I am a perfectionist who wants to do everything all at once. I am people pleaser, terrified of failure, who has low self-esteem but a big ego. I can be extremely self-centred, worried about what other people think when really.. I'm not the centre of the universe. lol. And I can't change how people feel or act... but I always try, to make me feel better, to bring them around to my way of thinking. Me me me. Hearing shares is like looking in a mirror.
I've always felt like the outsider, the 'loser', uncomfortable with who I am and doing anything to change how I feel.. I drank, I starved, I cut, I binged, I shopped...
But I know AA can not just stop me drinking, it can change my whole life.
I'm seeing myself for the first time, by hearing other people share. I am a perfectionist who wants to do everything all at once. I am people pleaser, terrified of failure, who has low self-esteem but a big ego. I can be extremely self-centred, worried about what other people think when really.. I'm not the centre of the universe. lol. And I can't change how people feel or act... but I always try, to make me feel better, to bring them around to my way of thinking. Me me me. Hearing shares is like looking in a mirror.
I've always felt like the outsider, the 'loser', uncomfortable with who I am and doing anything to change how I feel.. I drank, I starved, I cut, I binged, I shopped...
But I know AA can not just stop me drinking, it can change my whole life.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 59
Hi Sarahlou,
I've been reading your posts for quite a few days now (unfortunately while being drunk all the time) and can relate very much to a lot of what you've written.
After a recent event which should be considered a new low point, I am sober now and just discovered this thread.
What you've described in your opening post does hit home so hard, it almost makes me cry (I'm emotionally not in the best of places right now). I have very low self-esteem, more a feeling of self-hatred, yet I seem to have some massive ego and think about me, me, me all the time and not really caring about others. At the same time I've always felt like a loser or victim and have blamed it all on other people for not being able to understand or care. Insane, and I think it was all made much worse by my continuous ride into self-destruction and alcohol abuse. I'm nearly 24 by the way. Can't recall your exact age but from what I think to remember from one of your other threads, you are still under 30 (excuse me if I'm messing this up).
I've been reading your posts for quite a few days now (unfortunately while being drunk all the time) and can relate very much to a lot of what you've written.
After a recent event which should be considered a new low point, I am sober now and just discovered this thread.
What you've described in your opening post does hit home so hard, it almost makes me cry (I'm emotionally not in the best of places right now). I have very low self-esteem, more a feeling of self-hatred, yet I seem to have some massive ego and think about me, me, me all the time and not really caring about others. At the same time I've always felt like a loser or victim and have blamed it all on other people for not being able to understand or care. Insane, and I think it was all made much worse by my continuous ride into self-destruction and alcohol abuse. I'm nearly 24 by the way. Can't recall your exact age but from what I think to remember from one of your other threads, you are still under 30 (excuse me if I'm messing this up).
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
I am the same Sarahlou. Being a guy, I overcompensate in different ways than you I'm sure, but I have the same underlying issues of being people pleaser/self worth.
My therapist gave me a great book to read written by a Phd author who suffers from the same type of things. It's called "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown. It's more geared toward women but it has helped me quite a bit.
My therapist gave me a great book to read written by a Phd author who suffers from the same type of things. It's called "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown. It's more geared toward women but it has helped me quite a bit.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: HK
Posts: 331
I think quite a few of us share some or most of your traits, and the pressure we feel when trying to please others leads us to do things like drink or smoke...
All the best in your recovery. I too had trouble sleeping last night, but it was the first time in a long time where I suddenly didnt feel any anxiety or have negative thoughts. It was a nice calm feeling, and I hope we both get to feel more calmness and confidence soon.
All the best in your recovery. I too had trouble sleeping last night, but it was the first time in a long time where I suddenly didnt feel any anxiety or have negative thoughts. It was a nice calm feeling, and I hope we both get to feel more calmness and confidence soon.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
Your post could have been written by me. We never know when we get these moments of clarity.
Today, I am grateful I get them, even if I have to lose some sleep over it.
AA is one alcoholic sharing with another. I see myself in just about everyone in the room and even when I don't, I am grateful we are both there.
Today, I am grateful I get them, even if I have to lose some sleep over it.
AA is one alcoholic sharing with another. I see myself in just about everyone in the room and even when I don't, I am grateful we are both there.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
You can change how other people think or act.
Don't buy into that "I'm powerless over people, places and things" nonsense that is sometimes bandied about in AA.
The power you have to change what people think of you and how they react to you, is very simple.
Be a better person.
If you are late for work and hungover at work, that doesn't go unnoticed.
But when you turn up early and do a decent days work, people will begin to notice and they will think better of you and react differently.
As you change for the better, so will they.
Kinda like the old saying, you get out what you put in.
Just remember, chapters in the book are titled things like, "there is a solution "
"How it works "
And
"into action "
Get into the book and the steps
Don't buy into that "I'm powerless over people, places and things" nonsense that is sometimes bandied about in AA.
The power you have to change what people think of you and how they react to you, is very simple.
Be a better person.
If you are late for work and hungover at work, that doesn't go unnoticed.
But when you turn up early and do a decent days work, people will begin to notice and they will think better of you and react differently.
As you change for the better, so will they.
Kinda like the old saying, you get out what you put in.
Just remember, chapters in the book are titled things like, "there is a solution "
"How it works "
And
"into action "
Get into the book and the steps
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