suicideseason

20 or 21 days sober i mess my count up i have no clue. got jacked in court. She cahnged my sons name but thats not to be unexpected.. lovely gal. Haha. Having a hard time. He should be born by wednesday. i was hoping v-day tho

Belgian

I'm confused. She changed his name and he isn't born yet...?

I guess try to stay calm until the hard time passes.

courage2

hi ss -- I was thinking about you just this morning, believe it or not, it's true. I'm glad you're still posting. I'm sorry the court thing didn't go your way.

Great on adding up those sober days! Are you looking into any therapy?

Dee74

I'm sorry court didn't go your way too, SS.

D

chicory

I was thinking of you yesterday , SS. So good to hear that you are still sober/clean. That is the very best thing you can do right now.

hugs
chicory

markz

The amount of time you have in, means squat. Its how you feel on the inside that counts. I have seen some miserable sob's at decades of being sober. Still lying, cheating, stealing, swearing. On the flip side, I have seen people with 20 days and they are on the perverbial pink cloud, feeling good, serene, helping other people, deflated egos, selfless. Its an amazing sight to behold, from someone so lost to someone who has a purpose in life!

anattaboy

SS, you da man! 3 weeks is excellent and it shows in your post. "To be expected" is a step up from WTF. You know what I mean. Facing life has not killed me yet and I suspect we are similar. Onward Brother!

suicideseason

lol. well it took awhile to admit i was depressed. I actually made coffee and grilled cheese yesterday, skipped out on a.a. . I feel as they dont care they just like the story. I didnt really feel like talking much yesterday. Inside I feel dead. I try to go out but here in this town, everyone hides inside watching t.v. or they go up 100 miles and do something, so its kinda hard helping anyone or getting out of my head. 2 or 3 days ago i swear i was close to killing myself with the feeling i woke up with.

-I can just keep track of my side of the street i guess. Told them at a.a. 2 days ago i cut. they didnt say much other then they dont get it. and i shouldnt beat myself up. Didnt mention that one of em still is bleeding. Just trying to not get carried away with it... Salina sucks.

suicideseason

ive probably gone thru 2 sponsors. they say oh you can talk bounce ideas off me. Well thats be all butterflies and freaking pansies if they actually talked. If you dont call i know where we stand.. *****... i call and you gotta go.

i get people have lives. i didnt think i was asking to much, but i feel as if im asking the world to get out of my head. i know its asking to much. i think thats why im cutting again. I just dont want to over do it and replace it for that, or what not

PurpleKnight

Hang in there, some days can be worse than others!!

courage2

I don't think AA people are really equipped to deal with cutting -- some people me included have to seek outside help. You've gone through a lot and I hope you'll talk to a doctor.

Soberwolf

Your doing well on 21 days sober sorry about court

suicideseason

I dont feel well on being sober. I know its all the long haul. But just dealing with stuff, sober. Feels like its too late almost. I want to drink. My hole in my soul doesnt want to drink. Im suicidal but I dont want to die. Isolation is what got me using and in this town, im super isolated. One person who was my friend i havent seen in 5 years says goto cali.. My exes family just wants me to leave. I want to be here for my son, I wantto be apart of his life. Ive been thinking of buying bandages and just going ape with a razor blade to myself. I feel like im just stuck between walls. I know nobody cares. at the end of the day im sober. I knowthat my talking gets me in trouble, except its okay sort of, in a.a. . Anywhere else It gets me screwed. I want to talk but am losing desire to. I dont want to fall back into stuff so, its also making me feel Im stuck between walls, the roof caving in.

I can only keep track of my side of the street. been watching the dark knight a lot lately. Getting into the joker, I would love to cut my face and be smiling as he is. Someone said not to do it if i want to be apart of my sons life... so. Kinda torn between it.

Just got a micro-wave a chair and a digital converter box.. just need a antenna to get television...

Im stuck in my head, sent to kick rocks. So im kicking all the rocks, trying to stay alive and be sober.

suicideseason

I think im 23 days sober and im gonna give my unborn son my 30 day chip whenever i get it and see him.

Mikie9

Make your son proud my friend, and most of all be here for him. I rebuilt my life in the same way. Table here, couch there... Oh silverware! Took awhile to get an antenna tho. But books are free, so I read a lot until things settled down a little. I still read, but in those early days, reading was my salvation. To be honest without the distraction of the TV, I found a whole new world.

Best of luck, keep posting. You can make it through this, I have lived it and seen it in others, just don;t give up or let negative thoughts control you.

fini

ss,
what courage said.
people in AA in general aren't equipped to help with cutting.
i don't know what it's like in Utah, or when you're homeless, but is going to an ER an option for when you want to cut, or for afterwards? just so you can get a bit of a reprieve for a day or two and maybe they can help you figure out where to get other help?
if you feel you can talk okay in AA meeting, just go. it's likely better than bottling it all up.

suicideseason

thanks. Well its 96 bucks for a doctor visit.. i hate to wonder how much that would cost, ive thought it... But someone walking in " oh yeah i feel like taking my life, so im just going to stroll around this hospital". Ive wanted to but idk... silverware would be cool, having 2 forks is getting kinda old but hell i can finally complain about something as dumb as that. I thought i had no room to complain, I really probably dont , just be greatful.

Mikie9

You have 2 forks? quit your belly aching

Joking aside, I don't know about Utah, but around here walking in and saying you want to kill yourself gets you treatment. For free. It' worth a shot anyways.

When I found myself hating myself and at the bottom of a bottle, I tried ANYTHING to get out. You have more reasons than me to try, your son wants to know his dad, I can promise you that.

courage2

Honestly, I think you should go to a hospital and tell them you're cutting and thinking of killing yourself. I wouldn't say that if it weren't what I really think. When I've really felt really low, my thinking wasn't good -- like you said about being stuck between walls. When you're thinking like that, it can be a big relief, like fini said, to let somebody else do the thinking for you for a little bit.

Please keep posting here and let us know how you're doing.

suicideseason

Nothings free... I cant afford to miss work. Was trying to look therapists up or idk if psychiatrist for salina/richfield... but it sends me to new york people. Haha. Internet and shopping in general are pretty difficult when your sober i find.

Going there with active cuts and saying that, this protection order going on and this is the hospital my son will be born at, i see as digging a grave nobody knew i was going to create. The fear is there heh. This towns got me so messed up, i'm scared to say my name in public. I dont use my front door, i try not to drive my car if I can. This towns already judged me and I never even met them. Trying to be positive but nothings even saying I'll get to meet or even be apart of my kids life for 2 years with this protection order. I can admit its my fault. Im dealing with it as best as i can since im a grown man. thanks for talking tho i know yall dont have to.