empty hearts.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 557
I don't know how to help or what to say. But I just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you and I can relate. Cutting was my first addiction, and I can relate to how people just don't understand. I've been told many times that my depression would clear up if I committed more to AA. You describe things very well - especially the ambivalence about living. I hope you find some help and some peace.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
sometimes it's more helpful to think of one or two "little" things you/i can do to make things better today than of "everything" i messed up.
it's easy to get stuck in the everything-mess perspective and not look at what step you can take right now to make a change.
something like coming here to SR.
it's easy to get stuck in the everything-mess perspective and not look at what step you can take right now to make a change.
something like coming here to SR.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Utah
Posts: 214
Well i called off from work i didnt want to wake up, blamed it on my work injury. first time in 5 months. I am struggling. Id feel like Id let my son down if I hurt myself. Running on empty today I guess.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Utah
Posts: 214
ok. i tried posting earlier....
thanks.
I found when i had hurt myself a week or 2 ago, how it didnt leave. How I tried to not cut deep but the fact i could feel it bleed 2 days after, felt good. Like it didnt want to leave or something idk when i felt it bleed during work I was satisfied. Just worry about my side of the street..... or it didnt wanna stop from leaving. hm.
thanks.
I found when i had hurt myself a week or 2 ago, how it didnt leave. How I tried to not cut deep but the fact i could feel it bleed 2 days after, felt good. Like it didnt want to leave or something idk when i felt it bleed during work I was satisfied. Just worry about my side of the street..... or it didnt wanna stop from leaving. hm.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Chattanooga TN
Posts: 596
I don't get to get on here until the evenings my friend, wish i could.
I am sharing more than I really want too, but maybe it will help so I will. I did the cutting early on in my life. I found drinking and smoking pot took it away. 20+ years later I have to give up the drinking and pot. I can't say that cutting hasn't popped in my head while I go through learning how to live sober again as a relief from stress. But just like drinking and weed, cutting solves nothing and makes me dislike myself, so I don't do it. Go back to how you were before you drank and smoked.... not for me. That's fine, I didn't like doing that **** either. Must be something else... must be a way to deal with my emotions other than hurting myself... must be. There is. STOP and deal with what comes internally. Damn site better than destroying myself.
If you can't make this transition into living without the pain as a distraction, seek one on one help as soon as you can. Screw work. Screw SR. Screw me. Don't screw yourself.
Your son doesn't want to hear stories about his dad without ever meeting him. I have experience with this situation from his point of view. His conclusion will be it was too hard for you to deal with him. And that you chose death over him. HE was too much of a problem and unwanted by you, so you copped out. If this is your answer to your struggles... I don't know what to say man, other than seek some help. it is out there you just have to want to see it.
Best of luck. I hope my words have helped even a little bit. I don't get to check posts all day, only in the evening so I am sorry that this may be a little late. I hope you are doing better and if not, I hope you atleast see a way out, because it is there or I wouldn't be here.
I am sharing more than I really want too, but maybe it will help so I will. I did the cutting early on in my life. I found drinking and smoking pot took it away. 20+ years later I have to give up the drinking and pot. I can't say that cutting hasn't popped in my head while I go through learning how to live sober again as a relief from stress. But just like drinking and weed, cutting solves nothing and makes me dislike myself, so I don't do it. Go back to how you were before you drank and smoked.... not for me. That's fine, I didn't like doing that **** either. Must be something else... must be a way to deal with my emotions other than hurting myself... must be. There is. STOP and deal with what comes internally. Damn site better than destroying myself.
If you can't make this transition into living without the pain as a distraction, seek one on one help as soon as you can. Screw work. Screw SR. Screw me. Don't screw yourself.
Your son doesn't want to hear stories about his dad without ever meeting him. I have experience with this situation from his point of view. His conclusion will be it was too hard for you to deal with him. And that you chose death over him. HE was too much of a problem and unwanted by you, so you copped out. If this is your answer to your struggles... I don't know what to say man, other than seek some help. it is out there you just have to want to see it.
Best of luck. I hope my words have helped even a little bit. I don't get to check posts all day, only in the evening so I am sorry that this may be a little late. I hope you are doing better and if not, I hope you atleast see a way out, because it is there or I wouldn't be here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Utah
Posts: 214
Youre straight. im just like in listening mode, was a intresting a.a. tonight aswell. I get what youre saying thanks. I have the same feelings. Your not bother ha, i feel like i am. 25 days sober. Im losing my mind. Trying hard to get out of it, but its stuck. i have court tomorrow maybe once thats over Ill stress less. Being in the town isnt helping everyone already knows my stuff and I never met them. Idk if I even trust the people who are being nice just finding something to tell my exes family to hang my head with more. But I'm not in a position to say no to anything but bad stuff. People ask what i need its just like I can tell you what i want but not what I need...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Chattanooga TN
Posts: 596
All I can tell you is all I want to hear is what you need, I damn sure know what you want and all I can do is share my experience in how what I want is the problem lol.
Remember people in recovery are just like you, we have our issues and here, we share them in hopes it helps others
I promise your situation isn't the worst that I have ever heard. That doesn't make it any less stressful, but always remember it could be worst. Don't let it get worse, we are here for you as are others in your life. For me most of them were new and took awhile to understand and trust, but they are there man.... give it a shot, what's to lose???
Remember people in recovery are just like you, we have our issues and here, we share them in hopes it helps others
I promise your situation isn't the worst that I have ever heard. That doesn't make it any less stressful, but always remember it could be worst. Don't let it get worse, we are here for you as are others in your life. For me most of them were new and took awhile to understand and trust, but they are there man.... give it a shot, what's to lose???
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