midnightapt

Last Thursday I decided to buy a six pack of beer after being 4+ years sober. I'm not really sure why, lots of reasons I guess (none of them any good, of course). I was tired of being virtually the only one I know who doesn't drink. I wanted to see if I could drink alcohol and not do something stupid. I was curious what being intoxicated felt like, and what alcohol tasted like. I thought maybe it's time for me to start drinking again so I can participate in alcohol-related functions, which I convinced myself was a "normal part of adult life", and I was being weird and was thought of as weird for not taking part in this. You get the idea.

I drank four of the six beers. I didn't like the taste and I didn't like the feeling of intoxication, so I poured out the remaining beers. I thought I had proven to myself that I don't like alcohol and I wouldn't be tempted to drink again. Well, the cravings came back last night and they're back again today, stronger than anything I've felt in the last four years. I almost went out today and bought some whiskey for all of the reasons mentioned in the previous paragraph.

So, I'm back on this forum again. Back to square one. Thankfully, to this point, all I've done is wasted $7 on a six pack of beer. I don't want to waste any more money or destroy any more relationships or have constant delusional thoughts about reality. I screwed up and the only way to fix it is to not drink again.

Belgian

I've only been sober for 8 days so feel free to take this with a grain of salt..... but....

I don' think you screwed up. I think you slipped. While it's not the best thing in the world.... it's not the worst thing in the world either. Just don't do it today, tomorrow or the next day. Use the wisdom that you've gained over the past four years and whatever tools you've acquired and use them again.

Keep moving forward and don't beat yourself up too much. Like you said, all you did was waste a few bucks. No major harm, no foul.

Best of luck.

midnightapt

Thanks, I appreciate what you are saying. It's weird, I don't feel guilty or shameful. I guess more than anything I feel a little frightened at the compulsion to drink that I have felt these last couple of days. What's scary is I have known all along what would happen to me if I started drinking again, and yet my brain still has craved it. Part of the reason why I bought the beer a couple days ago was I felt like I was being immature in how I look at alcohol, but I know damn well how destructive it is. Alcoholism is a messed up thing.

LBrain

thanks for posting,
one thing I know is that you can do any drinking activity without drinking except drinking

doggonecarl

We can never be lax in our recovery.

You will join the voices that try to warn other drinkers against just exactly what you did. Alcoholics can't drink. Ever. But others will test the waters like you did, no doubt, and learn the lesson the hard way. Lucky for you stopped when you did.

midnightapt

It's funny, I've read so many stories starting like "I wanted to see if I could drink like a 'normal' drinker again", and yet there I was, doing the exact same thing. If I didn't have to work the next day, I probably would have drank the rest of the beers. I couldn't drink just one or two beers (even though that was the plan) the other night, just like I couldn't do it five years ago. Nothing has changed. There's no reason to keep trying to prove myself otherwise.

PurpleKnight

Great job on stopping straight away and reaching out!!

For me accepting and making peace with the fact I was now a "non drinker" needed to be the foundation of almost everything!!

Non drinkers go to alcohol related events, people decline alcohol on religious grounds all over the world, people are teetotal for life, but they still socialise, attend birthdays, weddings, celebrate New Years, Xmas etc etc.

We can be part of that club and still have an enjoyable and fulfilled life too!!

zjw

thanks for your post I feel that's how it would go down for me if I where to try it. I know with cigarettes everyt ime I quit and started up again. the startup always was like meh I'm gonna go get a pack smokings cool rarara I'd go get a back feel all the man feel so cool as I lit one up on the way home in the car man I was so awesome then I hated the taste and would get very sick and think god this is so stupid. an hour would go buy and alas I'd be lighting up again!()@)(@!02

I think if I decided to drink it'd be the same thing ew this is gross but I'm so awesome look at me drinking like a normie this will all be just fine. I'd dislike the taste maybe lie to myself about it I'd dislike how if elt the next day or while drunk etc.. but ya know I'd probably the next night be thinking hey I should go get another case of beer....*sigh*

its best folks like us just don't even bother with one taste.

I don't have a credit card for the same reason either anymore. I've learned from sobering up that somethings I'm just better off not even starting it to begin with!

awuh1

After a length of sobriety I could sometimes restrict my alcohol intake on a first instance of drinking. Like you, this happened on one occasion after years of sobriety. What I found was that the following days were torture. They were filled with an obsession to drink was even more difficult to overcome than it was after initially having only a few (on that first day) .

Behind the trivial reasons to drink, I found other things that were driving that desire.

Soberwolf

You done good stopping midnightapt stay with us bud get through this were here for you bud

SoberLeigh

Welcome back, midnightapt.

Alcoholism is a relentless condition. Quite often, after sustained sobriety, we are lured into believing we can moderate, that we have beat the demon. It seems, though, that our brains never truly forget our alcoholic traits and behaviors and they kick in again after reintroduction of alcohol to our bodies.

You can power through this, midnightapt. Stay close to SR; we are here for you.

LBrain

I am glad others before me have tried it and come back to tell me that I would be a fool to try it myself. But I already know I'm not going to drink again.
Thanks again. These are the posts some of us need to see every so often. I don't wish ill fortune on anyone, but to come and share about it is a generous act of kindness.

midnightapt

Yup, you hit the nail on the head. I went through this exact same thing with smoking a couple years ago. It's weird how the two addictions can be so similar.

midnightapt

Yes, I know what you mean. I was supposed to help my mom with something this afternoon (she wound up cancelling), and I found myself this morning disappointed that I would have to wait to drink until after we got done. I don't want to live like that.