Drank again, so mad at myself.
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Drank again, so mad at myself.
Here we go again. Now, like a dummy I sit out withdrawals. Started with a couple, like it always does. I have to make February the month I get it right. I hate myself today.
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Accepting that I was an alcoholic, accepting that moderation was impossible for me and that alcohol had nothing good or of value to offer me was key. That was when I could look to abstinence as the solution, to sobriety as the goal and to recovery as life.
Are you 'there' yet?
You can do this, sleepie; I have every faith in you.
Are you 'there' yet?
You can do this, sleepie; I have every faith in you.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
I just have to find a way not to drink no matter how awful things get.
that's the logic I tell myself. I know if I drink i'll be back pedaling.
don't beat yourself up over it tho. Just dust yourself off and get back on the wagon.
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Originally Posted by sleepie 
I just have to find a way not to drink no matter how awful things get.
I applied the same resourcefulness to recovery. Once I decided I was going to get sober, nothing was going to stop me, no matter how difficult or "awful" things got.
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Sleepie, I remember you from way back, and glad to see you continue to post here.
One paradoxical thing that helped me in my first year was to accept that I was an alcoholic and I would drink again no matter what strength I tried to apply to not drinking.
Heck, here I am sober more than four years and I catch my mind wandering what trauma or tragedy would make it OK for me to drink or drug -- death of a loved one, my own incurable illness, pain that would only make prescribed morphine a must.
That's pretty twisted thinking. If so an so dies I can drink. Sick. It's like realizing that if some ungodly horrible thing happens my mind twists it into a consolation: At least I can get drunk or stoned.
My first rear was incredibly rough. I had protracted withdrawals from my decades on benzos and booze and pot and had strong withdrawal symptoms for six months, like shaking hands, panic, devastating depression, agoraphobia, muscle twitches, neck and back pain, the list could go on and on. It took a year of sobriety for the symptoms to subside, and I was still a hot mess in so many ways even then. One thing that kept me on the path was fear. Two weeks after I last drank and took my last benzo, I lost it. I had complete psychotic breaks that landed me in the hospital for 10 days, the first three in four-point restraints. The next week was a period of recovery I would wish on no one.
So what did I do the first night I got home from the hospital? I bought a pint of brandy and drank it in 10 minutes.
It did nothing for my discomfort. I think that was the night I realized the jig was up. I also think scared me enough to get a year of sobriety under my belt, no matter how disheartening and uncomfortable it was.
It was the Big Time Big Suck. Affet finally accepting I was an alcoholic and addict and realizing that I had no control over whether I would drink or drug again -- it was a given that I would drink again -- all I was left with was the Suck. So I embraced both of those things: I would drink and drug despite my best efforts and when I did all I would be left with was facing the Big Suck again, maybe for months, maybe for years.
So I embraced the discomfort and pain. I think this was me getting that first step of AA right 100 percent. I was powerless. I would drink and drug again and only going through this incredible discomfort -- which at the time I didn't know if it would diminish or become my new reality for good -- in a perverse and paradoxical way, kept me sober.
Perhaps when the next challenge or trauma or difficulty that made you drink again arises -- and it will -- embrace it. Own it. Accept it. Ride it out knowing or not knowing whether it will go away, but that the pain is progress and its only on the other side, if we get there, that some long term sobriety might take.
Peace.
One paradoxical thing that helped me in my first year was to accept that I was an alcoholic and I would drink again no matter what strength I tried to apply to not drinking.
Heck, here I am sober more than four years and I catch my mind wandering what trauma or tragedy would make it OK for me to drink or drug -- death of a loved one, my own incurable illness, pain that would only make prescribed morphine a must.
That's pretty twisted thinking. If so an so dies I can drink. Sick. It's like realizing that if some ungodly horrible thing happens my mind twists it into a consolation: At least I can get drunk or stoned.
My first rear was incredibly rough. I had protracted withdrawals from my decades on benzos and booze and pot and had strong withdrawal symptoms for six months, like shaking hands, panic, devastating depression, agoraphobia, muscle twitches, neck and back pain, the list could go on and on. It took a year of sobriety for the symptoms to subside, and I was still a hot mess in so many ways even then. One thing that kept me on the path was fear. Two weeks after I last drank and took my last benzo, I lost it. I had complete psychotic breaks that landed me in the hospital for 10 days, the first three in four-point restraints. The next week was a period of recovery I would wish on no one.
So what did I do the first night I got home from the hospital? I bought a pint of brandy and drank it in 10 minutes.
It did nothing for my discomfort. I think that was the night I realized the jig was up. I also think scared me enough to get a year of sobriety under my belt, no matter how disheartening and uncomfortable it was.
It was the Big Time Big Suck. Affet finally accepting I was an alcoholic and addict and realizing that I had no control over whether I would drink or drug again -- it was a given that I would drink again -- all I was left with was the Suck. So I embraced both of those things: I would drink and drug despite my best efforts and when I did all I would be left with was facing the Big Suck again, maybe for months, maybe for years.
So I embraced the discomfort and pain. I think this was me getting that first step of AA right 100 percent. I was powerless. I would drink and drug again and only going through this incredible discomfort -- which at the time I didn't know if it would diminish or become my new reality for good -- in a perverse and paradoxical way, kept me sober.
Perhaps when the next challenge or trauma or difficulty that made you drink again arises -- and it will -- embrace it. Own it. Accept it. Ride it out knowing or not knowing whether it will go away, but that the pain is progress and its only on the other side, if we get there, that some long term sobriety might take.
Peace.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Ok guys you have all made a lot of sense. Thanks MemphisBlues I remember you too. Thank you for writing all of that, it sounds like you went through hell. I understand to a degree. My self esteem is so low right now due to an uncontrollable circumstance that I am just at a loss and almost feel it doesn't even matter if I drink myself to death. What do you guys do when you have a life problem that there is no solution for, and affects every part of your life? It's at that point that my mind breaks and I drink.
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Originally Posted by sleepie
My self esteem is so low right now due to an uncontrollable circumstance that I am just at a loss and almost feel it doesn't even matter if I drink myself to death. What do you guys do when you have a life problem that there is no solution for, and affects every part of your life?
I can tell you this. There are thousands and thousands of people who have problems with no solutions who don't drink over it. So I can only assume that their way of handling the problem is to accept it.
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Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
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Originally Posted by sleepie
Ok guys you have all made a lot of sense. Thanks MemphisBlues I remember you too. Thank you for writing all of that, it sounds like you went through hell. I understand to a degree. My self esteem is so low right now due to an uncontrollable circumstance that I am just at a loss and almost feel it doesn't even matter if I drink myself to death. What do you guys do when you have a life problem that there is no solution for, and affects every part of your life? It's at that point that my mind breaks and I drink.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
A sponsor shared with me about this;
Fly - what is the worst thing that could ever happen in your life.
I responded with something I classified as really bad.
He said - ok, then if that happens what will you do?
I don't know - I responded.
So, he suggested I write out exactly what I would do - Call xyz person, do this, do that etc.....
The point being I am mentally prepared what I will do now when life happens.
As another friend posted - we MUST accept we cannot drink. If were not at that point, then the rest is fruitless. If we are, then we must be willing to do what we have to stay sober - end of game.
Hope you find your way,
keep coming back
Fly - what is the worst thing that could ever happen in your life.
I responded with something I classified as really bad.
He said - ok, then if that happens what will you do?
I don't know - I responded.
So, he suggested I write out exactly what I would do - Call xyz person, do this, do that etc.....
The point being I am mentally prepared what I will do now when life happens.
As another friend posted - we MUST accept we cannot drink. If were not at that point, then the rest is fruitless. If we are, then we must be willing to do what we have to stay sober - end of game.
Hope you find your way,
keep coming back
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A life problem there's no solution for - well, some people believe you can come to a place of little or no resistance, and find peace there.
I can relate in a sense. I have to come to terms with some choices I made in 2010 concerning my mother. I can't go back in time and undo what I did. My choices, however I choose to spin it, resulted in playing a part in her death.
I don't immediately see a solution to undoing what was done. And unless there's a break in reality as I know it, there's never going to be a a way to go back and do it differently. So that means I have to figure out a way to live with and accept what happened.
It would be ridiculous for me to cave in, give up, and drink myself into oblivion, because that would be a waste of my own life. And she wouldn't want that for me anyway.
I think about Viktor Frankl and Man's Search For Meaning. If I can't end my suffering, I can live with it, and focus on keeping in mind what still has meaning for me. The memories of my mom & grandmother, my husband, my pets, and my writing and plans for the future.
Personally, I can hardly bear the idea that one day I'll lose consciousness and that'll be the end. So, more than anything, I choose not to drink another drop because I don't want to squander any more time I have left.
I can relate in a sense. I have to come to terms with some choices I made in 2010 concerning my mother. I can't go back in time and undo what I did. My choices, however I choose to spin it, resulted in playing a part in her death.
I don't immediately see a solution to undoing what was done. And unless there's a break in reality as I know it, there's never going to be a a way to go back and do it differently. So that means I have to figure out a way to live with and accept what happened.
It would be ridiculous for me to cave in, give up, and drink myself into oblivion, because that would be a waste of my own life. And she wouldn't want that for me anyway.
I think about Viktor Frankl and Man's Search For Meaning. If I can't end my suffering, I can live with it, and focus on keeping in mind what still has meaning for me. The memories of my mom & grandmother, my husband, my pets, and my writing and plans for the future.
Personally, I can hardly bear the idea that one day I'll lose consciousness and that'll be the end. So, more than anything, I choose not to drink another drop because I don't want to squander any more time I have left.
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It's very emabarassing. It's non verbal learning disorder. It affects every area of my life. I wrote about it here before. There is no treatment. I am trying to get a diagnosis so I left messages with a couple neuro doc. But I have tried to bring it up before and am not taken seriously. It's real. It exists. It's a "hidden" disorder. I have tests from when I was a kid that show I have it. But I don't have money to see anyone. I have to rely on BF to pay for stuff and I hate it.
I only can ever handle thankless, low paying jobs. I have struggled with life all my life, from work to friends to relationships, it affects everything. There are no meds, no treatments.
And I could die of shame. Because a person is worth their intelligence. It's everything.
I was diagnosed as a kid with another neuro disorder that non verbal learning disorder often goes with. But it was never brought up. Now, here I am at 40 and still doing dummy jobs and always poor, and just a nervous wreck every day.
It's like going through every single day not knowing what will go wrong, but it will be something. And the horror of realizing I f***ed up, again. I make stupid mistakes. I am slow compared to other people. I am easily fooled. I have been lied to, taken advantage of.
There's no med, no treatment and no help unless you are a child.
I only can ever handle thankless, low paying jobs. I have struggled with life all my life, from work to friends to relationships, it affects everything. There are no meds, no treatments.
And I could die of shame. Because a person is worth their intelligence. It's everything.
I was diagnosed as a kid with another neuro disorder that non verbal learning disorder often goes with. But it was never brought up. Now, here I am at 40 and still doing dummy jobs and always poor, and just a nervous wreck every day.
It's like going through every single day not knowing what will go wrong, but it will be something. And the horror of realizing I f***ed up, again. I make stupid mistakes. I am slow compared to other people. I am easily fooled. I have been lied to, taken advantage of.
There's no med, no treatment and no help unless you are a child.
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I just feel domed to low wage jobs, being poor and never knowing what to do. It is really hard never having any esteem, or enough money for anything and holding down only low paying jobs that people look down on. I fear I will grow old in poor health, not being able to afford any care or any property.
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Originally Posted by doggonecarl
When I drank and used drugs I always found a way, no matter how difficult. Meaning, if I was determined to get high or drunk, nothing or no one could stop me.
I applied the same resourcefulness to recovery. Once I decided I was going to get sober, nothing was going to stop me, no matter how difficult or "awful" things got.
I applied the same resourcefulness to recovery. Once I decided I was going to get sober, nothing was going to stop me, no matter how difficult or "awful" things got.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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Well, Sleppie, my life circumstances when I first go sober were that I woke up in a Southeast Asian country after quitting a professional gig I held for 30 years, losing family, home, cars, self-esteem, going bankrupt and all my possessions in the world fit in two cardboard boxes and a backpack. I had no one.
I have been treated for unrelenting depression, panic disorder and generalized anxiety disorder for 25 years. I come from a family known for suicides, among those my mother's. My first childhood memory is my mom's first failed suicide attempt and wondering why those men in uniforms were strapping my monnie to a stretcher. When I was 14 I came home from school and found her unconscious in the family car running in a locked garage, and she finally got the thing right when I was 20 via an overdose of pills.
Those are all life circumstances I can't change and haunt me to this day.
Again, a Very Big Time Suck thingy.
And very little of those circumstances changed during my first year of sobriety, compounded by the physical and mental anguish of protracted withdrawal.
But part of that embracing the Big Suck thing was my realization that drinking or drugging would have zero affect on any of those circumstances. And my last bottle of brandy after getting out of the hospital showed me that the 90 seconds of relief it brought wouldn't change a damned thing.
So I just wallowed in the muck of my misery not knowing if anything would ever get better.
But looking back, I can see it did. Not in days and maybe not even in weeks but more like months.
Four years later, I have a great apartment in a cool California town, a new car, take routine sober trips, I'm heading to Las Vegas for four days to watch a grandson participate in a gymnastics meet, and I'm in a loving relationship with a woman I can't believe loves me.
Embrace the Big Suck. It's only can get better on the other side and the sick irony is you won't even notice it is getting better because of the overwhelming Suck factor blurring your ability to see. And the other side isn't rainbows, ice cream and orgasms. It's hard. But it sure is better.
Depression defines my life, but the booze and benzos and pot no longer create the delusional thinking that all is lost. I wake up in the mornings and my first thought is still all that is wrong in my world. but I now have the fortitude to get my ass on my road bike and pedal 22 miles along the Santa Anna River, read and post here, read voraciously, and do everything in my power to put someone else before me -- the woman I love.
It can happen, Sleepie. But in those first six months of sobriety I could never have imagined the rewards that awaited me, things that happened simply because I didn't drink or drug.
And I only wallow in my putrid ooze of self-induced misery once in a while.
Embrace the discomfort. Wallow in it if you have to.
I have been treated for unrelenting depression, panic disorder and generalized anxiety disorder for 25 years. I come from a family known for suicides, among those my mother's. My first childhood memory is my mom's first failed suicide attempt and wondering why those men in uniforms were strapping my monnie to a stretcher. When I was 14 I came home from school and found her unconscious in the family car running in a locked garage, and she finally got the thing right when I was 20 via an overdose of pills.
Those are all life circumstances I can't change and haunt me to this day.
Again, a Very Big Time Suck thingy.
And very little of those circumstances changed during my first year of sobriety, compounded by the physical and mental anguish of protracted withdrawal.
But part of that embracing the Big Suck thing was my realization that drinking or drugging would have zero affect on any of those circumstances. And my last bottle of brandy after getting out of the hospital showed me that the 90 seconds of relief it brought wouldn't change a damned thing.
So I just wallowed in the muck of my misery not knowing if anything would ever get better.
But looking back, I can see it did. Not in days and maybe not even in weeks but more like months.
Four years later, I have a great apartment in a cool California town, a new car, take routine sober trips, I'm heading to Las Vegas for four days to watch a grandson participate in a gymnastics meet, and I'm in a loving relationship with a woman I can't believe loves me.
Embrace the Big Suck. It's only can get better on the other side and the sick irony is you won't even notice it is getting better because of the overwhelming Suck factor blurring your ability to see. And the other side isn't rainbows, ice cream and orgasms. It's hard. But it sure is better.
Depression defines my life, but the booze and benzos and pot no longer create the delusional thinking that all is lost. I wake up in the mornings and my first thought is still all that is wrong in my world. but I now have the fortitude to get my ass on my road bike and pedal 22 miles along the Santa Anna River, read and post here, read voraciously, and do everything in my power to put someone else before me -- the woman I love.
It can happen, Sleepie. But in those first six months of sobriety I could never have imagined the rewards that awaited me, things that happened simply because I didn't drink or drug.
And I only wallow in my putrid ooze of self-induced misery once in a while.
Embrace the discomfort. Wallow in it if you have to.
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I understand Memphis Blues. But.. did you finally find success because you were smart enough to be able to do so? I have had anxiety also. And an abusive upbringing. My mother used to scare me with knives, hit me, berate me. Dad beat me black and blue. Kids and even teachers all hated me at school.
I have a damaged brain. If it was depression I could at least try to take a med. Same for a lot of disorders. But a learning disorder... nope. And I can't rely on intelligence to make my life better. I know that even if I quit drinking, my life will still be really difficult, I will still be poor and I will not have anything to look forward to. Just like before I even drank.
This disorder means I am terrible at organizing, seeing the big picture or problem solving. My case is a bit extreme. That's why I hope so badly to find someone to talk to about it. Those skills are absolutely crucial to making a good life for yourself. When you say crippling depression, I also have a crippling disorder- one that cannot be fixed. It's like Ron White says- You can't fix stupid.
I am not downplaying your hardships, or depression or experiences. And I do appreciate sharing what you did to try and help me.
I am not saying my circumstance is an excuse to drink.
I just mean that I do not know what to do. Because if life before alcohol was awful due to something I can't get help with, how am I supposed to look forward to life after alcohol?
I have a damaged brain. If it was depression I could at least try to take a med. Same for a lot of disorders. But a learning disorder... nope. And I can't rely on intelligence to make my life better. I know that even if I quit drinking, my life will still be really difficult, I will still be poor and I will not have anything to look forward to. Just like before I even drank.
This disorder means I am terrible at organizing, seeing the big picture or problem solving. My case is a bit extreme. That's why I hope so badly to find someone to talk to about it. Those skills are absolutely crucial to making a good life for yourself. When you say crippling depression, I also have a crippling disorder- one that cannot be fixed. It's like Ron White says- You can't fix stupid.
I am not downplaying your hardships, or depression or experiences. And I do appreciate sharing what you did to try and help me.
I am not saying my circumstance is an excuse to drink.
I just mean that I do not know what to do. Because if life before alcohol was awful due to something I can't get help with, how am I supposed to look forward to life after alcohol?
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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Well, I think the point is that life with alcohol isn't doing a single thing for you, is it?
And try looking at things like this: Thank God I have a menial job that contributes to my household and double thanks I have a boyfriend who is helping me survive.
And there is no med that helps my depression. I'm broke brain and no medication touches it. I've been on every antidepressant known to man to no avail, sober and drunk/stoned.
One thing I've learned is that addiction is indeed a progressive thing, so if you think you situation sucks now, keep at it. It can only get worse. That fleeting comfort gleaned from a bottle works for now, but I promise you it will quit.
I have rarely found an alcoholic who won't list as a number one reason they got sober is that the booze quit working. They kept at it despite the consequences because it still provided some relief, but no matter what bottom they hit, the only reason they quit drinking is after realizing it quit working.
It seems to work for you now or you wouldn't keep turning to it. But I also learned in addiction and recovery that there were a whole lot of yets I had to fulfill. I hadn't lost my family so why quit. Still had a professional gig, so why quit. House, cards, money, etc. I hit those yets, checked them off one by one and still didn't quit.
IT took those three days in restraints to realize I might not be on the right track.
I detect a hint of self-diagnosing in your learning disability, also. Don't write yourself off until you see if you can get some help. And, yeah, I doubt there is any medication that is going to help, but I also suspect you don't have a MD hanging on the kitchen wall.
I'm not going to push a recovery program on you, but when I could finally leave my condo in Manila at about four months sober, I crawled into an AA meeting.
I found a slew of folks there who had fulfilled their yets and they were just like me. There's a lot to be said about face-to-face support. I realized I wasn't unique in my suffering.
And try looking at things like this: Thank God I have a menial job that contributes to my household and double thanks I have a boyfriend who is helping me survive.
And there is no med that helps my depression. I'm broke brain and no medication touches it. I've been on every antidepressant known to man to no avail, sober and drunk/stoned.
One thing I've learned is that addiction is indeed a progressive thing, so if you think you situation sucks now, keep at it. It can only get worse. That fleeting comfort gleaned from a bottle works for now, but I promise you it will quit.
I have rarely found an alcoholic who won't list as a number one reason they got sober is that the booze quit working. They kept at it despite the consequences because it still provided some relief, but no matter what bottom they hit, the only reason they quit drinking is after realizing it quit working.
It seems to work for you now or you wouldn't keep turning to it. But I also learned in addiction and recovery that there were a whole lot of yets I had to fulfill. I hadn't lost my family so why quit. Still had a professional gig, so why quit. House, cards, money, etc. I hit those yets, checked them off one by one and still didn't quit.
IT took those three days in restraints to realize I might not be on the right track.
I detect a hint of self-diagnosing in your learning disability, also. Don't write yourself off until you see if you can get some help. And, yeah, I doubt there is any medication that is going to help, but I also suspect you don't have a MD hanging on the kitchen wall.
I'm not going to push a recovery program on you, but when I could finally leave my condo in Manila at about four months sober, I crawled into an AA meeting.
I found a slew of folks there who had fulfilled their yets and they were just like me. There's a lot to be said about face-to-face support. I realized I wasn't unique in my suffering.
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