Drank again, so mad at myself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,126
And I haven't found success, Sleepie. I found a way to survive without pills, pot or booze. After four years and four months of sobriety, I'm getting a little better at living with my self.
I'll never get my career back, I'll never live down the disappointment I caused four kids, I'll never regain my financial achievements.
It's all relative.
How do I know I'm making progress? When I bike along the Santa Anna River Bike Trail, out in the middle of the dry riverbed surrounded by some tall trees, is a camp of homeless people, 50-year-old women with men-battered faces, toothless veterans washing clothes in the water, a schizophrenic screaming at the top of his lungs.
It's all relative.
I'll never get my career back, I'll never live down the disappointment I caused four kids, I'll never regain my financial achievements.
It's all relative.
How do I know I'm making progress? When I bike along the Santa Anna River Bike Trail, out in the middle of the dry riverbed surrounded by some tall trees, is a camp of homeless people, 50-year-old women with men-battered faces, toothless veterans washing clothes in the water, a schizophrenic screaming at the top of his lungs.
It's all relative.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 786
Wow sleepie, reading all what you have said, you seem to be quite intelligent to me. How smart do you have to be? As i grow older, i have let go of some dreams and grabbed the doable one, the reachable ones, acceptance of oneself is very hard. I know many stupid people, you are not one...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
I know that I have self diagnosed. But, there are few people who deal with this and it largely goes undiagnosed. I know people won't believe me, and that makes it worse. There are certain things you can look for on IQ tests- and mine could probably be in neon it is so huge. That's also why I need so badly to get a diagnosis by a professional. I don;t want people just telling me I'm wrong when I have lived withthis all my life and it has affected me completely.
It makes me sick to think that I have to depend on a BF. It's demoralizing and also I get sick just thinking about what if he dumps me. Then I move on to someone else like a parasite?
I get what you're saying. I just need to get all this off my shoulders cause it is driving me nuts.
I need to talk to someone who understands about this situation. Drinking I can talk to people about. But the non verbal learning disorder.. it's like there's nobody out there. I'd love to be wrong, but I have had pretty much all the symptoms and the unfortunately undeniable tests.
IQ tests from when I was a teen- you can read about this. There are Verbal and Non Verbal IQ scores. Most people will score about the same for both abilities. When there is a disparity, there may be a problem. 15 points would be something. 20 would raise concern. Mine is over fifty points. Over fifty points between my verbal and non verbal scores. It might not make sense but this is a very serious issue. It even says on one of the tests that it raises concern and (as it was worded on the results) "of great importance". My abusive family never cared to support me or address it though. They just told me they were ashamed of me, put me on Halidol when I was ten and called it a day.
This is what's referred to as a "hidden" disorder, because people who have it can appear to be normal and functional and also because they usually can communicate quite well. Language based things make sense. Most others do not.
it's embarassing to make this public, but I am just trying to make sense.
It makes me sick to think that I have to depend on a BF. It's demoralizing and also I get sick just thinking about what if he dumps me. Then I move on to someone else like a parasite?
I get what you're saying. I just need to get all this off my shoulders cause it is driving me nuts.
I need to talk to someone who understands about this situation. Drinking I can talk to people about. But the non verbal learning disorder.. it's like there's nobody out there. I'd love to be wrong, but I have had pretty much all the symptoms and the unfortunately undeniable tests.
IQ tests from when I was a teen- you can read about this. There are Verbal and Non Verbal IQ scores. Most people will score about the same for both abilities. When there is a disparity, there may be a problem. 15 points would be something. 20 would raise concern. Mine is over fifty points. Over fifty points between my verbal and non verbal scores. It might not make sense but this is a very serious issue. It even says on one of the tests that it raises concern and (as it was worded on the results) "of great importance". My abusive family never cared to support me or address it though. They just told me they were ashamed of me, put me on Halidol when I was ten and called it a day.
This is what's referred to as a "hidden" disorder, because people who have it can appear to be normal and functional and also because they usually can communicate quite well. Language based things make sense. Most others do not.
it's embarassing to make this public, but I am just trying to make sense.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Hi sleepie
I don't know anything about that disorder, but I do know about people having preconceptions about me and my intelligence - it goes with the territory when you're disabled from birth.
30 years of drinking and drugging never made a difference to that. But some sober time did.
My brain is damaged too - literally - from this side of the fence it makes absolutely no sense in damaging it more.
My self esteem needed to be rebuilt - and you can't do that drunk - you just can't.
Don't use your situation as a reason to drink,. Use it as a reason not to drink - cos that's the only way you'll ever find change Sleepie.
I'd encourage you to seek out counselling - if there's no avenues for low paid workers to access such things, I'll be very surprised.
You're not going to end up homeless or toothless. I think there's a lot of similarity between the condition you describe and certain parts of aspergers and the autistic spectrum.
There's a lot of help out there...and I mean a *lot*.
Look - My life is still pretty hard, I'm still poor, and still disabled...but finally I'm free, I'm at peace and I'm not troubled by who I am.
I want that for you too Sleepie
D
I don't know anything about that disorder, but I do know about people having preconceptions about me and my intelligence - it goes with the territory when you're disabled from birth.
30 years of drinking and drugging never made a difference to that. But some sober time did.
My brain is damaged too - literally - from this side of the fence it makes absolutely no sense in damaging it more.
My self esteem needed to be rebuilt - and you can't do that drunk - you just can't.
Don't use your situation as a reason to drink,. Use it as a reason not to drink - cos that's the only way you'll ever find change Sleepie.
I'd encourage you to seek out counselling - if there's no avenues for low paid workers to access such things, I'll be very surprised.
You're not going to end up homeless or toothless. I think there's a lot of similarity between the condition you describe and certain parts of aspergers and the autistic spectrum.
There's a lot of help out there...and I mean a *lot*.
Look - My life is still pretty hard, I'm still poor, and still disabled...but finally I'm free, I'm at peace and I'm not troubled by who I am.
I want that for you too Sleepie
D
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
From LearningRx.com web site:
Quotes From Famous People with Learning Disabilities: Most of these quotes from famous people with learning disabilities show that their initial feelings of fear or depression were replaced with confidence.
Albert Einstein: Physicist/Mathematician
Charles Schwab: Founder of Schwab Learning
Winston Churchill: British Prime Minister
Thomas Edison: Inventor
Walt Disney: Director/Screenwriter
George Patton: U.S. Army General
Quotes From Famous People with Learning Disabilities: Most of these quotes from famous people with learning disabilities show that their initial feelings of fear or depression were replaced with confidence.
Albert Einstein: Physicist/Mathematician
- “It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer.”
- “Do not worry about your problems with mathematics, I assure you mine are far greater.”
- “Once we accept our limits, we go beyond them.”
Charles Schwab: Founder of Schwab Learning
- “The difference between those who fail and those who succeed is largely perseverance. Never quit.”
- “Nobody’s good in everything. Advantages and disadvantages come in many forms.”
Winston Churchill: British Prime Minister
- “I was, on the whole, considerably discouraged by my school days. It was not pleasant to feel oneself so completely outclassed and left behind at the beginning of the race.”
- “Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.”
- “Continuous effort — not strength or intelligence — is the key to unlocking your potential.”
Thomas Edison: Inventor
- “Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.”
- “Great ideas originate in the muscles.”
- “I have not failed, I’ve just found 10,000 ways that don’t work.”
- “Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.”
Walt Disney: Director/Screenwriter
- “All your dreams can come true if you have the courage to pursue them.”
- “All the adversity I’ve had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me… You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you.”
- “If you can dream it you can do it.”
George Patton: U.S. Army General
- “Accept the challenges so that you can feel the exhilaration of victory.”
- “If a man does his best what else is there?”
- “Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom.”
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
I will check Aspie central... I am just scared of things for now... because I have been called "deficient" by a counselor in the past. It really hurt me. I told him so and he said that it was just a fact that I was deficient. I could not believe a counselor using that word. And he refused to take it back or apologize. He looked at my tests and said yes I am deficient. I am so scared to even try counseling because I have had bad experiences for the large part. Another who didn't work out ended up losing her practice and got in trouble for getting inappropriately involved with a patient. So I know it was not me being over sensitive. I'm not trying to say your advice isn't good or that I can't do anything but drink . I know I have to stop and I want to and I will keep trying. I am just running out of ideas.
I am hoping that a neuro doc will help me. I called and left messages with some today. I do want a diagnoses because as crushing as it will be to have it confirmed that I am defective I guess it will be a starting point to knowing what to do next.
Thank you Dee I'd like that too. I am just so scared of facing all of this.
I am hoping that a neuro doc will help me. I called and left messages with some today. I do want a diagnoses because as crushing as it will be to have it confirmed that I am defective I guess it will be a starting point to knowing what to do next.
Thank you Dee I'd like that too. I am just so scared of facing all of this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
I appreciate all of your help. I am kind of mentally worn out right now so I have to go lay down. I'll be back later and I apologize if I seemed rude to anyone.
I really do appreciate all of you taking the time to share experiences, thoughts, quotes and care.
I really do appreciate all of you taking the time to share experiences, thoughts, quotes and care.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
I appreciate all of your help. I am kind of mentally worn out right now so I have to go lay down. I'll be back later and I apologize if I seemed rude to anyone.
I really do appreciate all of you taking the time to share experiences, thoughts, quotes and care.
I really do appreciate all of you taking the time to share experiences, thoughts, quotes and care.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
In the biblical tale of Adam and Eve. (remember it is allegorical "
What was it that busted them out of "heaven on earth "?
They ate the apple and got knowledge of good and evil.
In other words, they got judgement........ Oh look, Eve has cellulite on her thigh
Gee, this place has weeds growing in it.
Their perceptions changed.
As do ours..... As children the world is exciting and we are full of energy.
Then we get judgemental..... I have a crummy job, it's not fair, I have this problem and I have that problem. I need a drink (alters our perception right?)
But do we really have it as bad as we think?
I try to get my problems "right sized" these days.
I try not to sweat the small stuff and when it all boils down...... It's all small stuff.
My perception of my problems has changed.
What was it that busted them out of "heaven on earth "?
They ate the apple and got knowledge of good and evil.
In other words, they got judgement........ Oh look, Eve has cellulite on her thigh
Gee, this place has weeds growing in it.
Their perceptions changed.
As do ours..... As children the world is exciting and we are full of energy.
Then we get judgemental..... I have a crummy job, it's not fair, I have this problem and I have that problem. I need a drink (alters our perception right?)
But do we really have it as bad as we think?
I try to get my problems "right sized" these days.
I try not to sweat the small stuff and when it all boils down...... It's all small stuff.
My perception of my problems has changed.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
I struggled in school and work all my life. I figured I out I had Attention Deficit Disorder around the time high speed internet came out and a world of info was at my fingertips. Teachers and my parents just called my lazy and undisciplined. Finally got properly diagnosed by a psychologist while I'm rehab. I was vindicated since no one believed me. Don't give up on pursuing a diagnosis. The vast majority of professionals are not qualified to give a diagnosis for neurobiological disorders so do not get discouraged if they don't think anything is wrong. There is an expert out there somewhere who is qualified. Keep searching!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,557
Sending you some love sleepie. Good stuff already said here, and great suggestions. The main thing is - you wanted to talk about it and hopefully it helps with your anxiety to have this discussion. You've learned that drinking only seems like an answer - it never does a thing but make us more miserable.
You're going to do this sleepie.
You've learned that drinking only seems like an answer - it never does a thing but make us more miserable.You're going to do this sleepie.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Sleepie,
In todays world, there is a lot of help for people with all sorts of disorders. You may have a deficiency in one area, but you have strength in another, and perhaps that strength is what you need to use right now, to go after the help you need. The board of mental health might have some services which may be free. Diagnosis can lead to some good direction for you Sleepie. You can get job counselling , to find your niche - what you like . I know you are an artist... that is a skill that not everybody can claim .
I am so sorry that your childhood was so painful. No child deserves that. But the faulty tapes that they left you with are not reality. You are a beautiful person, talented, maybe with a great challenge, but I bet you have some courage that is going to work for you. Don't let low self esteem tell you what you are capable of or not. You won't know until you get a chance, i n the right circumstances.
I am proud of you for contacting the therapists. Keep trying , and the more you try, the easier it will be. There are good counsellors/therapist/psychologists out there, sleepie. who care about those who need some help.
no good will come from drinking or from telling yourself that you are not smart or able. Many with disorders self medicate. but it only makes their situation harder for the doctors to figure out what is going on. So , take care of you, sleepie, and tell yourself that there is hope and help and that you deserve it. because you do.
In todays world, there is a lot of help for people with all sorts of disorders. You may have a deficiency in one area, but you have strength in another, and perhaps that strength is what you need to use right now, to go after the help you need. The board of mental health might have some services which may be free. Diagnosis can lead to some good direction for you Sleepie. You can get job counselling , to find your niche - what you like . I know you are an artist... that is a skill that not everybody can claim .
I am so sorry that your childhood was so painful. No child deserves that. But the faulty tapes that they left you with are not reality. You are a beautiful person, talented, maybe with a great challenge, but I bet you have some courage that is going to work for you. Don't let low self esteem tell you what you are capable of or not. You won't know until you get a chance, i n the right circumstances.
I am proud of you for contacting the therapists. Keep trying , and the more you try, the easier it will be. There are good counsellors/therapist/psychologists out there, sleepie. who care about those who need some help.
no good will come from drinking or from telling yourself that you are not smart or able. Many with disorders self medicate. but it only makes their situation harder for the doctors to figure out what is going on. So , take care of you, sleepie, and tell yourself that there is hope and help and that you deserve it. because you do.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Wastinglife, you are so right about many being unqualified to diagnose correctly. I hope i will find the right person. In the past I would dumbly share this with therapists and now after tons of reading I realize a neuropsych might be a better place to start.
Hevyn it did help me to discuss this here. It's related very much to drinking. Before this I self medicated with food and anxiety has always been a huge, huge issue for me. I hope I can get to the bottom of it and a huge weight will be off my shoulders. It's already lighter after talking about it here.
Chicory thank you for being so encouraging. It was hard making calls. I have lost so much hope. I'm just gong to keep trying.
Thank you everyone again for reading and contributing. Memphisblues I very much appreciate you sharing your difficulties. It means a lot to me.
Dee you as well. You have so much to share and you are right about your observations.
Hevyn it did help me to discuss this here. It's related very much to drinking. Before this I self medicated with food and anxiety has always been a huge, huge issue for me. I hope I can get to the bottom of it and a huge weight will be off my shoulders. It's already lighter after talking about it here.
Chicory thank you for being so encouraging. It was hard making calls. I have lost so much hope. I'm just gong to keep trying.
Thank you everyone again for reading and contributing. Memphisblues I very much appreciate you sharing your difficulties. It means a lot to me.
Dee you as well. You have so much to share and you are right about your observations.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Australia
Posts: 61
Hi Sleepie,
I don't know you, yet you sound like a very lovely, caring person....which is not something a good deal of so called 'intelligent' people are.
I wonder what your other strengths are and if you can make a list of them and then commit to start thinking about them as often as you think about your non strengths? I am sure there are several good ones that perhaps you are currently overlooking.
I have found in my life that if I let my mind have its way it will dive into negative thoughts about what I lack as a person. I can talk to myself so badly that I can really hate who I think I am. I can chase those thoughts for a long time until I am sick with myself. Yet I am learning more and more to remember that those things do not define the whole of me. I am more than my failings. I am more than I think I am.
I understand your desire for validation from a doctor regarding your problem. I had a problem for a long time that seemingly had no solution or diagnosis and when I finally got to know what was wrong I was did feel some relief.
However it really changed very little overall, the problem was still there and it was still obvious to others, and it still affected my life in the same way.
What made the real difference was finding my way to live around it and my way to make the best of my life regardless of it.
I had to think, what if this never changes? What do I do then? I had to start looking for the solution to how I would engineer my life to best of what I was capable of. I needed to expect that I could have a great life, and I needed to be willing to be kind to myself as I pushed forward. I needed to give myself the understanding, love and compassion that I wanted the world to give me.
I had to consider that they world may never cut me break and that I had to be the one to do that. I had to be honest with myself and work from that point.
Obviously I also used alcohol to try and make things better and it is also obvious it did not. Alcohol allowed me to fool myself into thinking I was doing ok, mostly blocking out the hurt and the bad self-talk in some moments. But as you would know that self-talk came back again –usually worse – when I woke up the next day. It also gave me an excuse to stay with the problem and not be active in the solution.
As I say, you sound like a wonderful, caring person who is hurting and in fear. I am sorry your life feels like this, and I want to say again, you are more than what you are a currently seeing. Just ask anyone here
Much love and support to you.
PS: Intelligence is useful but if you are mean, devious, find it hard to relate to people, or are an ill-tempered douche bag then you are just as likely to find it hard to get employment too. You sound the opposite of all that.
I don't know you, yet you sound like a very lovely, caring person....which is not something a good deal of so called 'intelligent' people are.
I wonder what your other strengths are and if you can make a list of them and then commit to start thinking about them as often as you think about your non strengths? I am sure there are several good ones that perhaps you are currently overlooking.
I have found in my life that if I let my mind have its way it will dive into negative thoughts about what I lack as a person. I can talk to myself so badly that I can really hate who I think I am. I can chase those thoughts for a long time until I am sick with myself. Yet I am learning more and more to remember that those things do not define the whole of me. I am more than my failings. I am more than I think I am.
I understand your desire for validation from a doctor regarding your problem. I had a problem for a long time that seemingly had no solution or diagnosis and when I finally got to know what was wrong I was did feel some relief.
However it really changed very little overall, the problem was still there and it was still obvious to others, and it still affected my life in the same way.
What made the real difference was finding my way to live around it and my way to make the best of my life regardless of it.
I had to think, what if this never changes? What do I do then? I had to start looking for the solution to how I would engineer my life to best of what I was capable of. I needed to expect that I could have a great life, and I needed to be willing to be kind to myself as I pushed forward. I needed to give myself the understanding, love and compassion that I wanted the world to give me.
I had to consider that they world may never cut me break and that I had to be the one to do that. I had to be honest with myself and work from that point.
Obviously I also used alcohol to try and make things better and it is also obvious it did not. Alcohol allowed me to fool myself into thinking I was doing ok, mostly blocking out the hurt and the bad self-talk in some moments. But as you would know that self-talk came back again –usually worse – when I woke up the next day. It also gave me an excuse to stay with the problem and not be active in the solution.
As I say, you sound like a wonderful, caring person who is hurting and in fear. I am sorry your life feels like this, and I want to say again, you are more than what you are a currently seeing. Just ask anyone here
Much love and support to you.
PS: Intelligence is useful but if you are mean, devious, find it hard to relate to people, or are an ill-tempered douche bag then you are just as likely to find it hard to get employment too. You sound the opposite of all that.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 2,693
Hey Sleepie, we joined here about the same time. I stopped for a record setting 10 days in 2010 for me then continued drinking continuously for four more years.
I am now 7 months sober. Why did I stop? I was diagnosed with inflamed organs and went from a relatively healthy 28 yr old when I joined in 2010 to a very sick 32 year old in 2014.
Don't push it as far as I did. Damage happens. Serious damage. I had kind of a forced/urgent/stop-or-die sobriety but I really wish I wouldn't have let it progress that far. Now is your time.
I am now 7 months sober. Why did I stop? I was diagnosed with inflamed organs and went from a relatively healthy 28 yr old when I joined in 2010 to a very sick 32 year old in 2014.
Don't push it as far as I did. Damage happens. Serious damage. I had kind of a forced/urgent/stop-or-die sobriety but I really wish I wouldn't have let it progress that far. Now is your time.
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