I'm miserably sober
 

I drink because I hate my life and always have. I hated my childhood. I hated my teenage years. I've always been miserable to some degree. I've been sober for a while now and I just hate my life. Everything seems pointless and or difficult. I don't trust anyone. I don't want to feel this way but I do. The longest I've ever held a job is a year. I always get overwhelmed with things and quit. I have since I was young. I hate my son's mother. Not that she can help it but her bipolar disorder is unbearable for me to deal with as well. I love my son but I honestly don't want to be a dad right now. I don't take it out on my son though, as I don't want him to end up like me or his miserable mother. Sometimes I wish I would die in my sleep. I used to think about suicide every day. Not so much anymore. Now I just want to be left alone. I am a sick loser. I'm a 35 year old confused and tormented boy in a mans body. I feel that I'm only sticking around to take care of my son. I wish I could just stay drunk and high all the time. I don't want to try anymore. I'm too tired. I want to be selfish. I don't want to care.

It's been suggested to me that when I am doing things for other people, I will feel better about me. Speaking only for myself, it Absolutetly works. When I go to my meetings, I listen to other people ...damn if we all don't laugh during that hour! When I laugh, I get out of myself too.
:gaah:gaah:slider3::slider3:
Bobbi

Serotonin, it sounds like you could be dealing with depression. Doc could help. Lots of us deal with horrible depressive episodes and there is help.

You might want to consider seeking professional help.

Assuming you're a member AA is a great place but most aren't necessarily qualified to address what you might be experiencing.

Good luck!

I've applied for the affordable health care insurance so I can get help. Before that I went to a facility for poor people to get help and I was placed in 12 session of group therapy. I tried to get something out of it but it wasn't very beneficial. I haven't had a car since September and live in a small town 20 minute drive to the nearest AA meetings. I watch my son's mother get everything handed to get and it pisses me off. Since she has the vagina she gets insurance easier. I wish I never met her. Alcoholic plus a bipolar has proven to be a disaster.

Hey Serotonin. Focus on yourself now. I don't think your son's mothers vagina has anything to do with you. Even if it does help her, that is not helping you fight your fight. All I read was you, your son, a path out of this hell you are going through.

To be blunt, it appears it was her vagina that got you into this situation, don't let it continue to control your life. Fix yourself with what ever it takes to do so, and then you can win your struggles.

You can keep drinking and being angry, but that is no way to go my friend. Seek outside help, there are plenty of free programs(this one included). If you aren't trying everything you can to not be a drunk like I was, you have already lost :(

Post often. Learn. This thing can be beaten, but not without facing yourself and the situation sober. Otherwise it is a constant repeat of anger and despair. You will get tired of this, just don't come to this conclusion before you are too old for it to matter to your son.

Have you spoke to a Dr about this

This part scares me "I dont want to try anymore", almost sounds like a suicide statement. Could probably be taken that way very easily. Drinking and doing drugs is suicide, knowing full well what we know when we do drink or do drugs. I would suggest you go to the ER or DETOX and get some help as soon as possible. Sounds like you are in full fledged depression and you need to get out of it or something bad will happen. Mental diseases are a serious matter.

I hated my life and myself for 40 years too Sero. It can change - but its something that is not going to change in a few weeks.

It's not going to change simply because we stop drinking either - if your self hate and self disgust is as deep as mine was, you're going to have to do a lot of work on that, as well as staying sober.

What sobriety gives you is a clear head and a level of emotional constancy to help you work out all the other stuff.

do you have a doctor or a counsellor at all?

D

Mikie your vagina comments made me lol, sorry :)

Serotonin man I empathize with you, I felt like that for quite some time word for word what you said bar some minor details, times and places - complete anhedonia.

The good news is I only feel like, half of that now maybe more. I can get pleasure from some things again and I have faith that things can improve and I'm grateful for some things...

So think about that if you can? This site definatley helps, I don't want to be drunk all day I know that, that was just making things worse man you need to stay off that drug no doubt.

It definitely sounds like you are depressed and I hope you can get help. Your not alone the single dad thing is hard. I'm still fighting the good fight, it has to improve for us but forget about her. One love man

sent you a PM Sero.

D

Man, I've felt the same way. Still do. I feel other things too, though, and sobriety is part of the reason.

For anyone struggling who may be despairing and reading here please do note, and maybe read through this link:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html

D

Hey ((((Serotonin)))), It sux to feel so depressed, My heart goes out to you....I hope that you get to talk with someone soon....I have been through it and just want to let you know to hang in there there is light at the end of the tunnel....sorry about the cliché but that is what it felt like for me... sending you a big cyber hug.:grouphug:

sometimes all you can do is cling to something like that in order to go on just 1 more day.

I had a lot of really crappy thoughts like you when I sobered up and well when I drank etc.. I'm not going to lie I can go back to that dark place where I say what is the point to all of this pain? I can rationalize how pointless life is and how I see no reason to go on etc.. it makes total logical sense to me too.

In time I backed away from thoughts on that level tho. I'm not going to say that those thoughts don't still have real merit in my mind they do I just don't focus on them anymore. My point is I never stopped denying the valid points I have and had about how pointless life can be or is or how much it stings sucks and hurts etc.. BUT I don't focus on that anymore. I focus on more positive stuff. why? because I'm stuck here on this rock and I don't want to be miserable anymore. I felt I'm stuck there is no getting out of this hell I can either figure out how to enjoy myself or sit around miserable which ultimately I did not like feeling that way. So in my case I clung to things. Much like your clinging to your son. I clung to anything I could a pretty flower the son came up the air smelled nice my kids smiled at me etc.. I'd cling to whatever and I'd hold on to it tightly to try and lift my spirits. In time my focus drifted from all the dark stuff to more of the better stuff. I'm still a negative person by nature and probably always will be it probably always will take effort for me to keep a smile on. But I've figured out that its possible.


to quote from shawshank redemption "get busy living or get busy dieing" you don't wanna go on so unhappy.

The use of "always" implies you were miserable even when drinking. So you know that's not the solution. And the drinking might have been only part of the problem.

With alcohol out of the equation, start working on fixing you. If you can't do it alone, seek professional help. You deserve to be mentally healthy, happy, and strong, and your son deserves it too.

also you cant hold down a job for more then a year? maybe this isn't a problem maybe this is just ow you are? maybe you get bored and tired of it and need a change. why is that a problem? I had to accept who I am. I stay at a job to long I get stagnant. I'm currently really stagnant at my present job. its not the job its not that I'm irresponsible etc.. its me its just how I am and I'm ok with that.

anyhow I always liked your posts they can seem rather dark but I like how your just put it out there.

I am certainly depressed. My family isn't very close and I don't really see friends anymore. Things have gotten worse since my car crapped out in September. I'm stuck at home all the time during the week with my son. His mother lives here but she's rarely home. I'm not drinking currently because I have been trying to get better and find direction. With a sober mind I look at my options and everything feels so difficult. I spend so much time alone. The only place in this town where people get together ate the two bars. Not being able to get out to AA meetings has been discouraging. The good news is when my taxes come I can get a car and get out again.

Surely there are churches or social groups.

Have you considered moving to an area with more options?

Actually there are no social groups. There is one church. As far as moving I can't really do that. I'm currently unemployed living above my mother in a duplex with no vehicle. The nearest town is 10 miles away. My son's mother works. I'm say at home dad for now.