Soberintexas007

I have over 90 days sober, and I am definitely an alcoholic, as I could never control my drinking. Once I started drinking, I usually drank until I passed out or blacked out; I was never able to moderate. And when I was not drinking, I was obsessing about the next drink.

I am unsure about about my husband, however. He seems to be a different drinker than me. For example, there are many times he can just stick to having two beers because I encourage him to do so so that he does not drink too much and become belligerent. I think if I was not present, he would drink a lot more, but it is the fact that he can often stick to a few beers if he knows that is what I am encouraging.

There have been times, however, that he has drank too much at parties, for example, in which he became verbally belligerent, which is why I think he has an alcohol problem.

Right now, he is respecting my boundaries of letting him drink around me if he sticks to no more than a few beers, and does not drink during the week, and does not keep alcohol at our apartment. Would a normal alcoholic be able to keep these boundaries most of the time? Or is the fact that he smokes weed 24/7 help him with the alcohol obsession?

I know that he would be drinking a lot more and earlier in the day if he knew that I was okay with it. But he knows that I am not okay with that. But would a true alcoholic be able to respect that boundary?

This last week, he did not drink during the work week. Then on his days off, I think he had about 5 beers spread throughout the day on Super Bowl Sunday, and then he had 2 16 ounce beers on Monday.

hollybear

Alcoholism has all different types. There are those that blackout binge during the weekends. Those who drink 24/7. Those (like me) who evening drink. Those that mix alcohol with drugs. The list goes on!
The point at which it becomes alcoholism is when it can't be controlled and causes significant personal problems. Personally, I believe that if a person can't respect boundaries, it's definitely a sign of a problem.

GroundhogDay

I don't really know the answer to your question, but I don't blame you for being concerned about whether he will be able to maintain control over his drinking around you.

But for now, he is respecting the boundaries you set. Have you thought about what you would do if he stops respecting your boundary?

ubntubnt

I am an alcoholic....a true alcoholic.
I could respect these boundaries for a period of time if I wanted to. When I broke them in secret you would not know.
Sooner or later I would have a blow out roaring drunk session when you would realise the extent of the problem that you are dealing with.

FeelingGreat

Alcoholism isn't straightforward. It can start when someone takes their first drink or lie dormant for years, build up gradually over time or just be expressed in binge drinking. It is sometimes based on opportunity.

It doesn't matter which variety you have, if it's causing a problem and you can't control it without heroic measures, you need to stop altogether.

Soberintexas007

If he drinks excessively and becomes belligerent like he has become in the past, then I will strongly consider leaving the relationship. As much as I love him when he is sober, it is not safe for me to be around someone who becomes irrational and insane because they drank too much.

Soberintexas007

This is what I am afraid of. I am the type of alcoholic who would be unable to even respect my boundaries for a period of time. But, like you, he is able to. But I do think there will come a time when he just totally binges and lets loose, and then the risk of belligerence will be highly increased. And it may only take the one time of belligerence for me to be so afraid that I have to unfortunately end the relationship.

Soberwolf

Justbreath if he does have a problem only he can do something about it

You need to stay focused on your recovery your doing great at 90 days

Soberintexas007

I think my AH is the type on which he can control it b/c it helps that he is around me, a nondrinker, so there is not a lot of opportunity. For his sake and mine, if the opportunity does come for him to drink beyond those boundaries (such as at a wedding or vacation), I just hope he gets silly, stupid passed out drunk and not belligerent. I can stand a husband who passes out a few times a year, but it is the belligerence I cannot stand.

Soberintexas007

Yes, only he can do something about it. I just hope he does not become belligerent, or else I will have make a decision in this situation b/c I don't want to be around that.

FeelingGreat

Yeah I really relate to your AH when it comes to wanting to keep drinking. I'm like that myself and I've found complete abstinence the only solution, although I wasn't a pass out, lost weekend type of drunk.
If he could accept total abstinence, he'd be a lot more relaxed (you too on his behalf), because by 'topping up' he's keeping the craving alive.

ubntubnt

hi JB, my point wasn't that he or I would be able to respect the boundaries that you have set, more that its inevitable that he won't be able to and I wouldn't either. Maybe for a short time, but the nature of the problem/disease is none of us can respect them for long.

sugarbear1

weed was my supplement to my alcohol and certainly made my moods more moody....

focus on your sobriety first

jazzfish

Honestly, these sound more like rules than boundaries, which I can only see leading to resentments, especially if he wants to drink more than you're letting him. As an alcoholic, I would be busy thinking of lies and methods for getting around these rules.

I think a true alcoholic would certainly be able to create the impression he was following those rules, and may even be able to follow them, but probably wouldn't like them. However: “The true test of a man’s character is what he does when no one is watching.” ― John Wooden

sg1970

Congrats on 90 days. Getting through early recovery is tough.

Why not just remove your two beer limit and see where it takes him? Let the process sort itself out instead of trying to control what may be inevitable? He will either be able to control it on his own or not. For his wellbeing in the longrun, if he is an alkie, he needs to be in control and not be living under someone elses drink limit.

doggonecarl

I am not sure I'd say an addiction to pot "helps" with his alcohol intake. Take his pot away and you'll find out.

JeffreyAK

Right, that's a red flag right there, sounds like an addict who's drug of choice is weed, not alcohol. My wife was like that, she'd flip back and forth between alcohol and weed but preferred weed, and the only solution for her (and me, once I quit drinking I could not deal with her doing either one) was to quit both.

Eddiebuckle

Alcoholism is a progressive disease - and some manage to keep all the typical work/social balls pretty consistently in the air. But usually, as time goes on the tolerance for alcohol goes up. By the time I decided to quit I was drinking a liter of vodka daily, and even that sometimes failed to get me "high."

I think the telling thing is this: if you have to spend a whole lot of time and energy managing how/when you drink, you definitely have a problem. Normal people do not do this.

walkbeformakrun

Hey Justbreathe,

Your story has similarities to mine. I used to drink every night and a lot. My wife was the same. Then I quit. She did not. She can go two or three days at a time but then she has to drink. She cut way back on the volume when she does drink though.

I sure wish she would not drink at all. It bugs the crap out of me to see her drinking when I'm trying to resist the urges. It seems so insensitive and uncaring of her. But then if she only drinks every few days and only a small amount each time, I feel like I should not complain. If I could drink like that I'd never even have wanted to quit myself.

Walk

PS I do still complain! lol

Soberintexas007

These rules are in place to protect me. I don't want to be around him if he is just going to let loose and drink a lot, nor do I want alcohol in our apartment. He probably deep down does not like them since he is alcoholic, but he can leave if he wants to. I have to protect myself with these rules. He also obviously has the choice to not follow these rules, but he then knows that I will leave. He is thus choosing to follow these rules.