I read another AA leaflet..
 

I understand one doesn't have to believe in "God", just a higher power. But reading the leaflet I had to put it down because I couldn't get over the "God" and "Him" thing... will it ever click? I think I'm defective.

Dunno, Sarah. I walked into the rooms of AA as a dedicated atheist who thought the idea of a higher power was just a crutch for weak-minded people. But I was desperate, and I was the precise directions for taking the 12 Steps. In Step 2, the requirement is being willing to believe in something greater than myself. Well, I didn't believe, but I was certainly willing if it meant I could recover.

It worked beyond all my expectations and made a revolutionary change in my life. I've seen that same experience repeated by many, many others.

Their intent was to make it as lose and inclusive as they could. Take it in that spirit. FWIW I study theology and the use of "him" rubs me the wrong way and I refuse to use it.

There are lots of sobriety support organizations, AA is one of them but there are plenty of secular alternatives that don't dance around the God thing. :)

My thoughts exactly. If you can just have enough willingness to believe in something greater than you that can help you then it's sufficient to start. Through the process of the rest of the steps, our relationship and understanding of our higher power develops into exactly what it is meant to be for each of us. Don't get caught up on the words you dont approve of, just trust the process and you will not regret it!

hi sarah,
the step doesn't actually speak about believing in a h.p., but believing that a power greater than yourself could restore you to sanity.
and i take the sanity it speaks of as being the opposite of the insanity of my drinking.

but you're not at the step yet, and before i started i spent a long time going through some of the literature and finding all the stuff i found outrageous, and all the stuff i knew or thought i could never-ever-ever do, and kept only seeing the obstacles.
in other words, i kept complicating so that i wouldn't be able to do it :)

if you decide to follow the AA route, you might find lots of useful stuff to read in the more detailed discussions under the 12-step forum actual step conversations.

Thanks guys. I want to believe there is something greater. Something that can help me save myself.

I had a similar struggle sarah.
I often wondered if it would ever click in fact I was quite convinced it wouldn't nor did I really want it to.

Here's what helped me. I asked myself "Is there anything in this world (or otherwise) that has more power than me?" The answer is Of course ...... wind, Hulk Hogan, Steve Jobs ..... just to name a few. That is all I needed to move past it. Since that point in my journey (just about 6 years ago) my understanding of my HP hasn't changed a ton. It's not me. That's it. I have to keep it simple because I can overthink the poop out of anything and then I just quit even attempting to progress.

I love AA and I have an HP that works for me. It's not God .... although I use the word god out of convenience.

Anything is possible .... if you're willing enough.

It clicks for some, but it didn't for me. There are some great aspects to AA though, and so try and keep an open mind if you can. There's a place for each of us in recovery, just remember that. If it's not in AA, then it's somewhere. So don't give up!

I would say, ask for a HP to reveal itself to you. Study, read lots of recovery literature of all kinds. Read some spiritual or religious texts.

I go to the beach frequently. I watch the waves. I have tried, with all my power, to make the waves stop or to make them larger and I cannot. I cannot stop earthquakes (we had one a couple days ago) I can't make it rain or stop raining. I cannot hold the Universe together and keep it from imploding. That right there proves there is a power greater than me.

I do not know if there is or is not a Supreme Being. No one else knows, either. What I do know is that when I center myself and ask for guidance to do the right thing - all the power of all the energies are behind me. If I'm acting from love I am completely supported. I can feel it.

No one in AA has any right to tell you what to believe or what not to believe. Ask for guidance from your HP and you will get it.

Reading the words 'God' and 'Him' bothers me a lot too, especially 'Him'. I can easily think of the universe or earth as a power greater than myself. But the christian language is hard to get around. I tend to struggle with attending meetings as a result.

It helps that I have a sponsor who is also an atheist and buddhist. To work the steps, we are using the book, One Breath at a Time. That book has been very helpful for me, but it might not speak to someone who is not somewhat buddhist.

It has also helped me to go to non-12-step meetings (LifeRing, SMART Recovery, Women for Sobriety). That helps me remember that there are many ways to recover and heal. Coming to SR reminds me of that also.

I also find NA to be much less christian than AA. NA is open to people with any substance abuse problem, including alcohol.

I've also found a few AA meetings where god is barely mentioned. But I also live in an area where that is possible.

Good luck on finding what works for you. You are definitely not defective just because you don't prefer the religious language. I think it is fairly common to be put off by the language. Maybe there is a way to get what you need from the meetings, or maybe it's not the right approach for you. If you keep looking, you'll find what works for you.

I have wondered if I am being resistant because I am so bothered by the religious language and the lord's prayer. Yet, I really don't think it is resistance, especially since I have tried so many options.

Sarahlou,

Don't over think this. I believe a lot of folks balk at the prospect of the god thing, when in truth all that is necessary is to believe that there was something that helped all the other people get sober, and be willing to accept that it is available to you too.

There are spiritual principles associated with each step:

1. Honesty/Acceptance
2. Hope
3. Faith
4. Courage
5. Integrity
6. Willingness
7. Humility
8. Justice/Brotherly Love
9. Self Discipline
10. Perseverence
11. Awareness
12. Service

If you can get on board for the above things, you can work the steps. You will find your higher power through the process of working the steps.

In the chapter "we agnostics" it explains why the word God is used.
It would be impossible to use a word for higher power everyone is happy with. Even using the word higher power in the place of God and Him would have people not happy.
In. Bills story, something ebby said to bill helped me:
Why don't you chose your own conception of God?

Sarah you are doing really really well keep on trying & interacting bud

The point is that WE have to stop playing god.

I have a higher power who I call "NOT ME".

I'm a recovering alcoholic (23 years) and I'm an agnostic. I've worked the 12 Steps and pray, but not to a Christian God.

Sarah,

I think AA has a lot to offer. I recommend reading the Big Book. I think I read it in one sitting. Was like reading my biography. It really helped me to accept my non-relationship with alcohol. It's a great read for anyone!

If that's the case, you're already doing it. Give yourself credit. Just go out and find it.

For me, it went like this:
What's it take to be greater than me? Not much.
If it doesn't take much to be greater than me, could be likely there's something out there. I should seek it out. Instead of looking for reasons why there isn't, I looked for examples of why there is.

Magic words for me were: The only thing you need to know about God or a Higher Power is that it isn't you.

That was all the start I need. Still agnositc after years of recovery, but still believe I am not in charge.

Don't know what or who is, but when I started looking for help and asking for help, I started getting help.

Keep it up!

The idea that I am not all powerful and all knowing (not God) is enough for me to swallow without then making the illogical (my opinion) leap to asserting there must be a being that is all powerful, all knowing.

In other words, because I am NOT God doesn't lead me to God. It is enough that I alone am not God.

I am not perfect :)

Ernie Kurtz had some things to say about all this. Check out The Spirituality of Imperfection.