My High-Stress IT job and Booze Culture Clouded my Vision
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Brooklyn
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My High-Stress IT job and Booze Culture Clouded my Vision
Like others in IT, I work my ass off. There's an ever-increasing demand from managers to do more work, with higher quality. Couple that with an internal desire to be the best (because how else can you make more money?) and no time boundaries (you're always on-call and get called at the most inconvenient times!) and you find yourself in a pressure cooker with few ways to decompress.
Then there's the inborn culture of drinking. If there aren't people in your company that were in a startup or in the industry during the dot com days, they've still heard stories of kegerators under the desk and drinks at lunch.
These stories fueled my mode of work for years. I never worked at a startup, but I heard the stories. Right out of college I was working 80 hour weeks and drinking two massive cups (XL from Sheetz - anyone from PA?) of coffee per day. Eventually my ritual was to get a beer at lunch and a beer after work.
Ha! A beer. Right. Probably 3 or 4. At that point I was buzzed and ready to party.
I'd drive home, 20 minutes, drunk. And then party until 12, 2, whenever. Hundreds of dollars sunk in one night.
And when I would walk in an hour late, right in the middle of a meeting that had already started? Well, it was lucky I made up for my shortcomings by kicking ass, overworking myself and knowing some people to cover for me.
Luckily I was smart enough to quit drinking a few times and I would take a break every few days when my cells felt too saturated by poison.
But at some point, almost six years ago, whatever internal safeties I had, failed. All of the rules I used to live by that said "I'll never drink alone" or "I won't drink more than 7 consecutive nights" all fell apart. I gave up. I wanted fun. I wanted excitement. I wanted to talk to people and laugh.
The pressure of my job finally got to me and the voice of alcoholism was right there to whisper "dude, things are crazy right now. You HAVE to relax. This stress is bad for your health. Just have a beer on the way home and you'll feel better."
I remember how innocent it was. I had actually quit for a month the month before, February, 2009. March 2 was when I finally cracked and had a beer on the train ride home from work. It escalated over 24 days, finally leaving me in the loneliest and most depressed state I've ever experienced.
Long story short, on day 25, I realized I couldn't do it on my own, got a therapist, went to AA and was finally done with alcohol.
What I've found since then is something I was only acutely aware of at the time: I was self medicating. I had a number of underlying issues that I simply wasn't acknowledging and/or was hiding from.
They were, in no specific order:
Social Anxiety
General Anxiety
ADD
Loneliness
Boredom
Disappointment by what "real life" was like after college
Poor career choice
Really poor JOB choice
Every one of the issues above can be worked on and should be. But why did I choose to use alcohol to resolve those issues?
Because it was EASY. Drinking is the easiest possible path. And that is why it is absolutely the wrong path. It's a lie, a trap. It allowed me to walk around my issues repeatedly instead of facing them head on.
A few philosophies that I've picked up to help me push through the issues:
-You have to walk through the fire of life, you can't walk around it.
-Life can suck, but it does get better, every single time. If not, work to change your circumstances.
-You are in control of your future. Many things that happen are foreseeable. Like work getting stressful, losing jobs, relationships ending, people dying, etc. When you think of these things, plan how you'll deal with them successfully instead of saying things like "oh god, I'd be ****** if I lost my job." Because when those issues do come up, you need to hit them from a place of strength and preparation, rather than a desperate place of giving up, curling up in a ball and dying.
-There's an inner voice that's trying coach you and advise you as to the right thing to do. It's trying to show you how to keep yourself healthy and safe. Drinking and medicating with the various drugs our society uses (nicotine, caffeine, over the counter drugs, etc) is ultimately shoving a rag in that voice's mouth and locking it in a closet. I think of that voice as an "inner wisdom," a "higher power" and ultimately, my conscience. You can't hide from it forever, so it might be time to start listening to it.
-Always strive for better. Build the life you know you deserve.
You simply can't figure out any of your problems if you're clouding your thoughts and decisions with alcohol. Stay strong and push through the pain and fear!
Then there's the inborn culture of drinking. If there aren't people in your company that were in a startup or in the industry during the dot com days, they've still heard stories of kegerators under the desk and drinks at lunch.
These stories fueled my mode of work for years. I never worked at a startup, but I heard the stories. Right out of college I was working 80 hour weeks and drinking two massive cups (XL from Sheetz - anyone from PA?) of coffee per day. Eventually my ritual was to get a beer at lunch and a beer after work.
Ha! A beer. Right. Probably 3 or 4. At that point I was buzzed and ready to party.
I'd drive home, 20 minutes, drunk. And then party until 12, 2, whenever. Hundreds of dollars sunk in one night.
And when I would walk in an hour late, right in the middle of a meeting that had already started? Well, it was lucky I made up for my shortcomings by kicking ass, overworking myself and knowing some people to cover for me.
Luckily I was smart enough to quit drinking a few times and I would take a break every few days when my cells felt too saturated by poison.
But at some point, almost six years ago, whatever internal safeties I had, failed. All of the rules I used to live by that said "I'll never drink alone" or "I won't drink more than 7 consecutive nights" all fell apart. I gave up. I wanted fun. I wanted excitement. I wanted to talk to people and laugh.
The pressure of my job finally got to me and the voice of alcoholism was right there to whisper "dude, things are crazy right now. You HAVE to relax. This stress is bad for your health. Just have a beer on the way home and you'll feel better."
I remember how innocent it was. I had actually quit for a month the month before, February, 2009. March 2 was when I finally cracked and had a beer on the train ride home from work. It escalated over 24 days, finally leaving me in the loneliest and most depressed state I've ever experienced.
Long story short, on day 25, I realized I couldn't do it on my own, got a therapist, went to AA and was finally done with alcohol.
What I've found since then is something I was only acutely aware of at the time: I was self medicating. I had a number of underlying issues that I simply wasn't acknowledging and/or was hiding from.
They were, in no specific order:
Social Anxiety
General Anxiety
ADD
Loneliness
Boredom
Disappointment by what "real life" was like after college
Poor career choice
Really poor JOB choice
Every one of the issues above can be worked on and should be. But why did I choose to use alcohol to resolve those issues?
Because it was EASY. Drinking is the easiest possible path. And that is why it is absolutely the wrong path. It's a lie, a trap. It allowed me to walk around my issues repeatedly instead of facing them head on.
A few philosophies that I've picked up to help me push through the issues:
-You have to walk through the fire of life, you can't walk around it.
-Life can suck, but it does get better, every single time. If not, work to change your circumstances.
-You are in control of your future. Many things that happen are foreseeable. Like work getting stressful, losing jobs, relationships ending, people dying, etc. When you think of these things, plan how you'll deal with them successfully instead of saying things like "oh god, I'd be ****** if I lost my job." Because when those issues do come up, you need to hit them from a place of strength and preparation, rather than a desperate place of giving up, curling up in a ball and dying.
-There's an inner voice that's trying coach you and advise you as to the right thing to do. It's trying to show you how to keep yourself healthy and safe. Drinking and medicating with the various drugs our society uses (nicotine, caffeine, over the counter drugs, etc) is ultimately shoving a rag in that voice's mouth and locking it in a closet. I think of that voice as an "inner wisdom," a "higher power" and ultimately, my conscience. You can't hide from it forever, so it might be time to start listening to it.
-Always strive for better. Build the life you know you deserve.
You simply can't figure out any of your problems if you're clouding your thoughts and decisions with alcohol. Stay strong and push through the pain and fear!
Do You Believe
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Washington DC
Posts: 112
m2dgg,
Wow...Exactly what I went through. I did work at some startups and the things you mentioned were very normal. Its still pretty crazy, its acceptable to stay out to 4am drinking and show up at 8am clearly not in good shape and likely still under the influence.
I went on a "vacation" to rehab. and got my act together back in 2012.
I slipped up last week for a few days. Back to basics.
Thanks for your post. I don't feel quite as alone as I did before. But I do think I hate my job, due to the demands and stress, that it puts me under. But its hard to find high paying gigs in any other industry.
I was just sitting here googling how to get out of the rat race. Seems once your on the wheel, the longer you go around, the harder it is to get off of it. Sounds like a familiar theme.
I need to work on that.
Wow...Exactly what I went through. I did work at some startups and the things you mentioned were very normal. Its still pretty crazy, its acceptable to stay out to 4am drinking and show up at 8am clearly not in good shape and likely still under the influence.
I went on a "vacation" to rehab. and got my act together back in 2012.
I slipped up last week for a few days. Back to basics.
Thanks for your post. I don't feel quite as alone as I did before. But I do think I hate my job, due to the demands and stress, that it puts me under. But its hard to find high paying gigs in any other industry.
I was just sitting here googling how to get out of the rat race. Seems once your on the wheel, the longer you go around, the harder it is to get off of it. Sounds like a familiar theme.
I need to work on that.
Do You Believe
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Washington DC
Posts: 112
Settle down Markz. No ones blaming those things on our drinking. Just that it is a pervasive drinking culture that allows things to go on for (over looked) longer than most industries. I certainly know that I am responsible for my behavior. I was just happy to see someone from my industry that I can relate to.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Down South, USA
Posts: 173
Gosh, I wonder if we work at the same place! Totally acceptable to go out and booze it up on the expense account. Everyone travels to the same place to work on the project - everyone is in hotels and airports all the time. I drank last week on a business trip - and that turned into a 4 day binge. I know what you mean about high stress, and always on call, no good way to decompress. My plan is to use exercise to deal with some of the physical stress.
My drinking certainly is getting worse. Finally today, I got a sponsor and am going to a meeting this evening. It really is a miracle I am still employed.
Wishing everyone a sober rest of the day.
My drinking certainly is getting worse. Finally today, I got a sponsor and am going to a meeting this evening. It really is a miracle I am still employed.
Wishing everyone a sober rest of the day.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
thanks for your post. I think if I wrote my story it would be very simlier. I work in the same field have all the same issues as you listed. hey I also live in PA.
I've repaired most of my issues with the exception of finding a new job in my case. I'm still working that one out. But yep self medicating all the stress of crummy choices etc.. and so on is what I did for years.
I've repaired most of my issues with the exception of finding a new job in my case. I'm still working that one out. But yep self medicating all the stress of crummy choices etc.. and so on is what I did for years.
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