Avice

Hiya. I'm 5 months sober now, and I feel pretty OK about most things. I feel a lot better, I'm not constantly preoccupied with the thought of drinking, and I'm genuinely looking forward to more sober days.

I have one problem though...it's pretty significant. I don't enjoy talking to people because I'm not very good at it. I was at a party the other night, and I just felt like a bummer to talk to. I was bored...not only with what they had to say, but what I had to say. I feel like I'm the worst small talker on the face of the earth.

I've been drinking for my entire adult life, and I always let alcohol make things interesting and exciting for me (even though I would forget most of what happened and who I met etc.) Now that it's not there, I realize that my social skills are really pretty underdeveloped.

Do any of you have any suggestions and or books I could read on conversation techniques? I don't mind using techniques from a book at first - it might be weird, but I feel like I can fake it till I make it. I just want to be able to create an interesting conversation beyond the normal small talk, which I can't stand.

JeffreyAK

Maybe just give it more time? Drinking doesn't help social skills, and "interesting and exciting" sounds a lot like a reptilian/lizard brain/A/AV voice. What I found over time was, as I built up confidence with longer sobriety, I felt more comfortable in those situations than I ever did as a drinker, and I stopped spending so much energy on what other people might or might not think.

Aellyce

Hi Avice.

I was a bit like that when younger, totally unrelated to drinking or no drinking, just my personality. Hated small talk or conversations that I perceived superficial or not interesting to me, and I would rather not participate at all but just observe and study people from a distance. I was called schizoid and other things because of it

For me, drinking never really made a difference in my interest in people and interaction when it wasn't there in the first place, actually tended to make me even more self-absorbed at times...so I may be a bit different here. But I also despised my apparent lack of social skills when it came to large groups and/or non-specific idle chats etc. What did make a huge difference: when I discovered that I am actually an excellent conversationalist when I'm with people with whom I have shared interests and specific topics to talk about. In such environments, I quite naturally can also take the lead on conversations. So I learned to socialize this way whenever I can: based on my interests or something I'm interested in learning from others. I also have somewhat of a preference for one-on-one interactions, but this has evened out with age/experience. So perhaps try to find people who share interests with you, something you are motivated and excited to talk about, instead of general partying?

As for books, again not drinking or recovery-oriented, but Susan Cain has great stuff on introverts and how they can flourish without having to change their nature. You can look up TED talks by her, or her book Quiet: The Power of Introverts is excellent. It also has good suggestions how to deal with conventional social life for people who are not naturally at home in it.

I think many of us change a bit regarding our social preferences and skills after getting sober. I actually found myself getting quite a bit more extroverted in sobriety, but it's not like a different person, just perhaps interested in developing different skills in my case.

There have been lots of threads about socializing sober here on SR, look them up. And don't worry it's likely to just take a bit of time and exploring on your part

Avice

I don't know why the desire to make conversations interesting sounds like an AV to you. That's not the way I see it. I have confidence in other areas, but I haven't developed a way to talk to people that brings out the best in them...brings out interesting stories rather than their opinions about the weather - you know what I mean?

doggonecarl

I found listening to be my best conversational tool.

If the people you are engaged with are boring, find new people to hang around with.

Justincredible

This is exactly where I was going to go in my response to this! I just picked up this book a couple weeks ago. Great book that helped me accept and understand that I am naturally a more introverted persons. Part of my drinking was a result of an inadequacy I felt due to my personality. I thought being a more naturally introverted person was a bad thing, and alcohol helped me to be more extroverted, but at a terrible price. Now in my journey in recovery I am accepting who I am actually excited by it and nurturing it! A great read with great examples and research to support us who have this personality type!

Congrats on the 5 months as well!

Avice

Me too. That's why I'm addicted to podcasts right now. I like to listen to interview-type shows and sometimes curse myself for not being able to have that type of conversation with anyone. I'm reading an essay by David Foster Wallace about how TV replaces human interaction in some cases because it creates the illusion that you're part of a meaningful dialogue even though it's fictional or outside of ourselves (me and my podcasts).

I had a friend once who was interested in music and music technology...we could talk for hours about that stuff. Unfortunately, we live in different cities now. I see your point though.

I agree with you. I'm not really into partying, though. I only went because it was a party given by my relatives. I've been to...2 parties since I quit drinking. Truth is, my social life is almost nonexistent. I've tried meetup.com, but there aren't any groups geared towards my interests...I'll have to think a bit more about other ways to get out there.

Thank you! Downloading now.

OK. I'll do that. Thanks for your advice.

doggonecarl...that made me laugh. I am a good listener, actually - but yeah. I had some very boring conversations, probably due to the fact that some people there were VERY drunk and I wasn't. One guy was actually talking to me almost nose to nose. I kept moving back and he kept moving forward. Uh - very uncomfortable.

Thanks! I'm really looking forward to reading this book. As an alcoholic, I was an extreme extrovert, but an annoying extrovert with no boundaries to speak of. I have no desire to go back to that, but I need to find a way forward. Onwards and upwards, right?

Justincredible

btw, I am totally addicted to podcasts right now as well! I have a bad habit of falling asleep to them lately, but I end up staying up an extra 2 hours because of them!

JeffreyAK

This is exactly what you typed, "...and I always let alcohol make things interesting and exciting for me". Is that real?

Soberpotamus

I think sometimes it's more about a connection with another person than the actual conversation. Did you want to connect with that person? Do you feel they wanted to connect with you? I've noticed that a pedestrian conversation on the surface can be quite misleading as to what's actually going on - a real connection.

zjw

kudos on the 5 months and wanting to improve your social skills.

I don't have much advice. I got to the point where I accepted the fact that I just was not a very social person and had difficulty playing nice in the sandbox. I can make small talk easily in my case I find it to be meaningless hence why I end up thinking whats the point even then?

So I guess don't be afraid to accept yourself for who you are and be comfty in your own skin regardless of what others might think.

SoberCAH

When I first got sober I just felt very raw from a socialization standpoint.

It took a little while.

Now, I am pretty much comfortable in almost all circumstances.

I will bet that your socialization skills expand as you keep getting sobriety under your belt.

This is an important topic.

Glad you are here.

Fly N Buy

I find most people love to talk about themselves and when I meet someone new I will smile and ask about where they are from, family etc. I will then just listen and let them go trying not to interrupt about me. I try to genuinely complement them along the way as well.

If they love to cook, I'll say something like - wow, sound like you're an amazing cook!> What are some of your favorites things to make???

I think the "art" of conversation is in the listening part. I find sometime people will interrupt with a one up manship mentality.

For instances, I like to fish - so if someone tells me about this great fishing trip they had and how big their fish was I let them talk. I do not then try to tell them my trip was better and my fish was lager - Oh, wow you should have seen the one I caught!!!

Leading questions about who they are and what they do, seems to open up natural conversation in my experience
I never say anything about politics, religion or controversial issues.......deal breakers with someone we don't know.

Aellyce

This as well, very definitely! Thanks, Jennie.

I also find that sometimes there is little "in common" with another person, our personalities and interests are also not necessarily overlapping much... and yet the conversation just flows, nearly about anything. Perhaps this is what we like to describe as chemistry between people? The mysterious force that draws us together sometimes when we cannot explain it easily using rational arguments.

Of course this, combined with shared interests, can often be the most killer combination, for me at least

So what is this connection? Good question...

Avice

I did that just a couple nights ago! Podcasts are great when you're doing something like cooking - much more entertaining than TV.

Yeah - I just don't understand what you're trying to say, I guess.

Well, the simple fact is that I know I'm not going to connect with everyone, but right now I'm connecting to no one. Part of the problem is that I'm not going out much, but when I do I find it very difficult to connect. I'm also at a difficult age to make new friends - I'm in my late 30s, and people my age are generally very involved with their family and already have their old friends. I'm new, and I have no friends here. There's an event I want to go to on Thursday, but I'm going to have to go alone.

Thanks for the kudos! I'm actually not afraid of what others think of me...I do have some confidence in that regard. Like I said in the last post - I need friendship in my life. I do get pretty lonely at times.

Well, thanks. I hope things will improve...I feel like I'm missing out on a lot being by myself all the time. I'm glad I'm not striking up conversations with random strangers in bars anymore, but I don't really have experience with meeting people any other way.

I do know that about people...that people love to talk about themselves. I don't like to talk about my life much, so in that way I'm a very good listener and I do everything that you mentioned. I guess I just don't know how to get it past that level of conversation. Actually become friends with someone to the point where you wouldn't feel weird about giving them a call and asking them to go somewhere. It just never progresses past a certain point for me...

I don't know...it seems that as I get older, that connection is harder to find because people simply have all of the connection they can handle. If they have a family, a job, and a bunch of friends they've known forever, there isn't much reason to let someone new crash their 'life party'. Maybe I'm being too pessimistic, though.

doggonecarl

You have to get past the fear of feeling "odd" about being friendly and forward. Get past the fear of rejection. And that other fear...what if they actually say "Yes" if I ask them to meet me for coffee? Fear of acceptance.

You can do this. You got sober, difficult as that was, didn't you? You can make a friend.

Dee74

I spent a lot of years trying to be garrulous and witty - the life of the party. My drinking and drugging was tied in with that, amongst many other things.

the fact is I'm not garrulous, I'm not particularly magnetic and I'm pretty shy and socially awkward.

My recovery has been about learning that's ok.
I'm friendly and polite, I get on with most people.

I know now that all I can be is me.

Some people will not like that, but others will. The people that are meant to be in my life will arrive

D

Avice

It's funny...I have a bigger fear of acceptance than rejection. I'm used to rejection because of my past, and the more I dislike someone or see that they have really distasteful personality traits, the more comfortable I am talking to them. Cause I don't care. The thought of actually getting close to someone is kind of an alien concept because alcohol never let me get truly close to anybody.

Yes, getting sober was hard. I also know that the hard part isn't over once you're not drinking anymore...I'm a bit behind on my schoolwork as far as life is concerned.

I know - I loved feeling like I was the life of the party...though in reality I was just a fool. I felt like I was turning into kind of a grotesque parody of myself.

See - I don't know what I am now. There's part of me that still loves to play the clown, but I feel like I've forgotten how to talk. It's weird. Hopefully that book will help. I don't want to be something that I'm not, but I do want to figure out how to express myself.

Right now I couldn't even tell you whether I'm an introvert or an extrovert. I've basically been an alcoholic for half my life so I have to go back to my teenage years for sober memories.

I guess this is one of those things that's going to take a lot of patience and a lot of courage. Just like quitting did, I suppose.

Avice

PS - I love the people on this forum. Just being able to talk about it has made me feel a whole lot better.

waynetheking

Avice, give it more time. 5 months is great. As time goes by you will be more confident and less shy about meeting people without liquid courage. And you will enjoy yourself more in these situations. Why?.because you won't be drunk! Beleave me your mind is going to change a a lot over the next 12 months. Its exciting. Its comforting. Its wonderful and worth it. You will look back at this post and wonder why socializing without booze ever bothered you in the first place. Just give it time. You're confidence and conversation skills will increase dramatically. Trust me. I had the same problem.
Thanks for being here. And congrats on 5 months. Your doing great!