I keep drinking....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Australia
Posts: 61
I keep drinking....
But thankfully it is only in my dreams :-)
I just woke up again from a dream in which I was walking around doing some shopping and then I figured I'd go and get a beer. I was ordering a light beer (which I'd never do) because I thought was going to be ok and when I drank it I would feel little to no buzz so I would not really be getting high.
I finished it. I walked out of the bar thinking, 'that wasn't so bad' and wondering if it really counted on breaking sobriety because it was low alcohol. And I was wondering if I would feel guilty later..... then I woke up.
This is probably the fourth night this week I have been drinking in my dreams and each time I wake up I am so glad to realise I didn't really drink. It is such a relief to know I didn't do it. I have a mini celebration and congratulate myself because for a few seconds I freak and wonder if I did go out last night after all. After all the talking myself into not getting drunk.
In reality though I am doing really well.
I feel awesome physically I have been trying to get back into shape for years now and I am losing wieght as I get be consistent in my work outs again. I do not need to lose much weight but I do value being in shape so it feels really good to get in good work outs again.
But better than that is I feel much clearer and more positive mentally. The anxiety has subsided, I can think more clearly. I am focused on the longer term of why I want to be sober, not just today and getting drunk.
I feel more beautiful, which I have not felt in a long time. I like me more. I am becoming more proud of me. I am grateful for this life.
It is not easy. I want to drink every day. And I argue in my mind everyday about if can I drink today. And I worry about the future and if I can, or even want to, stay sober for the rest of my life (and I honestly don't know if I can or want to), so tell myself to let go of worrying about that and just worry about today.
And if today seems questionable too, like I think I want to drink and am trying to negotiate with myself about it (I swear it is like I am trying to negotiate peace in the middle east), I tell myself to not worry about the end of the day, just choose to not drink in this moment. Just this one.
And this seems to be working because in this moment I don't' want to drink, I don't need to drink. It is when I worry about the future that I can feel overwhelmed and want to mentally run from it to numbness. But in this moment, my problems are few and I have the ability to say I don't want to be drunk. And I don't.
It is strange how I in the moment I can realise I am ok and safe and actually in control, but when I think forward I get scared I feel I can't control life's outcomes and feel concern and that takes me to the thought of sabotage - not that I am necessarily aware of that is what is going on at the time.
Anyway, one moment at a time I am figuring it out and if I only drink in my dreams then I am staying happy too.
Thanks for listening.
x
I just woke up again from a dream in which I was walking around doing some shopping and then I figured I'd go and get a beer. I was ordering a light beer (which I'd never do) because I thought was going to be ok and when I drank it I would feel little to no buzz so I would not really be getting high.
I finished it. I walked out of the bar thinking, 'that wasn't so bad' and wondering if it really counted on breaking sobriety because it was low alcohol. And I was wondering if I would feel guilty later..... then I woke up.
This is probably the fourth night this week I have been drinking in my dreams and each time I wake up I am so glad to realise I didn't really drink. It is such a relief to know I didn't do it. I have a mini celebration and congratulate myself because for a few seconds I freak and wonder if I did go out last night after all. After all the talking myself into not getting drunk.
In reality though I am doing really well.
I feel awesome physically I have been trying to get back into shape for years now and I am losing wieght as I get be consistent in my work outs again. I do not need to lose much weight but I do value being in shape so it feels really good to get in good work outs again.
But better than that is I feel much clearer and more positive mentally. The anxiety has subsided, I can think more clearly. I am focused on the longer term of why I want to be sober, not just today and getting drunk.
I feel more beautiful, which I have not felt in a long time. I like me more. I am becoming more proud of me. I am grateful for this life.
It is not easy. I want to drink every day. And I argue in my mind everyday about if can I drink today. And I worry about the future and if I can, or even want to, stay sober for the rest of my life (and I honestly don't know if I can or want to), so tell myself to let go of worrying about that and just worry about today.
And if today seems questionable too, like I think I want to drink and am trying to negotiate with myself about it (I swear it is like I am trying to negotiate peace in the middle east), I tell myself to not worry about the end of the day, just choose to not drink in this moment. Just this one.
And this seems to be working because in this moment I don't' want to drink, I don't need to drink. It is when I worry about the future that I can feel overwhelmed and want to mentally run from it to numbness. But in this moment, my problems are few and I have the ability to say I don't want to be drunk. And I don't.
It is strange how I in the moment I can realise I am ok and safe and actually in control, but when I think forward I get scared I feel I can't control life's outcomes and feel concern and that takes me to the thought of sabotage - not that I am necessarily aware of that is what is going on at the time.
Anyway, one moment at a time I am figuring it out and if I only drink in my dreams then I am staying happy too.
Thanks for listening.
x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Australia
Posts: 61
Yeah I still dream of smoking cigarettes from time to time after years not not smoking and I remember dreaming of smoking in a similar way when I quit them. It is just that moment of 'oh no' that gives a fright, but is is followed by the relief of realising it is a dream - which is good.
This site has been helping a lot. I come here each morning and each night and any other time of the day if I need to, just to help keep my eye on the ball.
This site has been helping a lot. I come here each morning and each night and any other time of the day if I need to, just to help keep my eye on the ball.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: the driftless zone
Posts: 1,017
Hi Kate! I think those dreams can be a blessing in disguise. When I quit smoking (back in the days), I had on-and-off dreams for years. Now that alcohol is the discarded DOC, I have dreams about that too. Maybe the dreams of using are a way for our brains to process it. I *love* waking up and realizing it was all a silly dream.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 852
At almost 13 months, I still have drinking dreams. They never seem to change or be much different. I'm usually getting drunk and feeling guilty (in my dream) about a relapse that I believe has actually happened. It always goes that way. I'm drinking in the dream and thinking to myself "Wow, threw away all that time without drinking" and then I wake up and I'm happy to know it was just a dream.
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