newhope01

Been lying in bed all day which has been a common theme for me for the past few weeks.

Need to go grocery shopping and take my wedding band to the jeweler's to be repaired. My former professor has been attempting to call me to arrange a meeting to pick up a letter of recommendation he has prepared for me out of the kindness of his heart and I can't seem to pick up the phone.

Haven't been to the gym in weeks and the only reason why I get out of this bed is to feed my cat which I love more than anything. I have been taking my anti-depression/anxiety medications as directed at least.

Part of me wants to stop because I fear the change. Like it won't be an authentic sense of a change but rather a change of something that is not real. Almost as if I am using a bandaid to cover a wound that will never heal.

I know these feelings are the result of guilt involving substance abuse and the horrible traumatic events I have experienced which have led to said substance abuse.

I just feel empty and wish I could sleep this off. What good will that do though? Besides what am I going to say when my husband asks me what I did all day? He won't understand and most likely get pissed off as result of his inability to understand why someone just can't get up and smile when deep down all they feel is emptiness.

Thanks for listening to me rant. There really is nowhere else where I can go to express these feelings and thoughts.

BarrysMama

I hear you...and I know where you're coming from...best thing I heard tho is that you are taking your meds as prescribed..which is hugely helpful ..at least it has been for me..

Have you talked to your husband about what's really going on?

Sounds like you're really depressed and need some true understanding and support right now in your journey...I remember what it felt like to just exist... you can live life again..and feel free to msg me privately on here anytime..I'm available to listen <3

strategery

Newhope1-I've been thinking of you. You sound depressed. Can you see a doctor or a counselor? It is quite possible you may need to try something else for your depression. *hugs*

SoberLeigh

I agree with Strat, newhope; seeing a counsellor might be beneficial.

Don't forget; we are listening, too.

Dee74

You sound like you might be depressed to me too. (I'm not a Dr - just 'been there')

Have you ever seen anyone about that newhope?

D

emmireu

Not to pile on to what others have already said, but you sound severely depressed. I have been there.

Be compassionate to yourself and do not blame yourself. Depression is hard and it can be scary! I know the feeling of wanting to be an ostrich and stick my head in the ground.

Reach out to your partner, be honest and let him know that you need help. There are some things that we cannot do alone, and this is one. Can you find a counselor or therapist? Online you may try to find a crisis hotline. I got so low one time that leaving the house seemed impossible and they helped me on the phone and connected me with help outside.

Setting small goals helped me when I felt like this. Today I am going to take a shower. Today I am going to walk to get a coffee. Today I am going to call a therapist. Baby steps.

You are not alone.

newhope01

Hello and thanks all to those who have taken the time to reply to my post.

Currently, I am looking to find a therapist I feel comfortable talking with. I sought one out in the past about a year ago now and I just couldn't open up with him.. it seemed like he was ready to retire.

I need to find someone I can be open and honest with because talking about the past trauma I experienced will be extremely difficult for me. Honestly, I don't think taking pills will fix me either.. so I know I need to find a therapist ASAP before I give up on taking the pills. I know how I am.

As some of you suggested about speaking with my husband, trust me I have tried several times over the years.. even before we were married and he just doesn't understand. His argument is that it was in the past and its time to get over it now. One time when I was in a funk, he demanded to talk about my childhood and when I brought up some of the events he started bringing up some personal experiences he had that were slightly similar and the discussion became who had it worse competition. His argument is that I need to get over it. I agree but its just not that easy.

Needless to say, I terminated the discussion and keep my bad feelings to myself. Even tried to bring it up literally just a second ago and he interrupted me and asked if I was able to get all my prescriptions and then changed the subject to what's for dinner.

I wish it would get better just by taking a pill.

I believe that some people just aren't as empathetic as others and especially so when they do not understand mental illness.

Soberwolf

(((Newhope))) we are all here for you 24/7 bud

Vandermast

Hey there

Youve had some really good points raised here newhope

I have experienced stuff similar to what you describe. ..and yes its like a living hell

Hope you get some help

V

SunnyMe

I'm so sorry he reacted that way, newhope. Like many of us, I've struggled with depression. It's definitely not something you just "get over."

Do you have any safe and trustworthy friends in your town who can help you find a good therapist? Perhaps a church or temple with someone on staff who's compassionate and knowledgable?

zjw

"get busy living or get busy dieing." from the shawshank redemption.

I think the thing with depression is we just gotta find a way to pick ourselves up off the matt in small ways even at first. An object in motion tends to stay in motion it just requires so much extra energy to get it in motion however. Why for me with depression I sometimes gotta just do the smallest little thing to help myself out of the funk and once I get moven I can generally stay moven. That's not to say you wont just fall back to the depressed state you might and probably will but it is a good starting point.

aaa yes I love that game. ::facepalm:: My wife tends to think I'm playing that game with her or shes playing that game with me. In my case I'm never playing that game but she perceives that I am. Women tend to feel things entirely differently then men. He might be coming at you with typical male logic and reason and your seeing the situation through emotion and feelings neither of you will see it the same way. Its not a bad thing just different.

Its hard to get into someone elses eyes and see and feel situations how they do to get a good handle as to how they feel about it and how its affecting them.

It can also stink too tho with people who can so easily say "its in the past who cares" But I've been the person that got angry at the person who said that. and I've been the person who can say that. and I will say its nice when you can get to a point where you go *sigh* its in the past what does it matter. I think you'll get there but it doesn't happen over night I hope your husband can understand that.

newhope01

I actually really like that quote. I did will myself to the grocery store yesterday and today I finally returned my professor's phone call and arranged a pick time for my letter. While I am still in motion, I will stop by my school and see if I can get one of my bad grades reversed due to my crippling anxiety.

Than, if I am feeling particularly ambitious, I plan on going to the gym across the street from my school. We will see, I always make these plans and end up doing the bare minimum. Still taking the meds though.

I'm not sure if what his objective was in that scenario but I felt as if he was minimizing what I've had to deal with throughout my life. Rather than trying to validate my depression/anxiety to him by sharing increasingly horrible experiences that have happened, I just stopped. What is the point in that?

I agree though, its not his fault and I can't expect him to play therapist. I couldn't even imagine him trying to make a career change into the counseling arena

zjw

All you have to do is do what you can and be happy with that . I used to tell myself I did my best today it might not of been the best but it was my best today its all I had to give and I gave it that is that.

You gave me a laugh on that one.

I found in my case my baggage was my baggage and it absolutely stinks that no one else could tackle it for me but me. I realized no one understood no one got it I felt all alone with the burden etc.. I started to accept that and when someone else didn't seem to care or rub me how I wanted to be rubbed when I was up set I became indifferent to it. I realized they could do nothing they could never feel the pain the way that I felt the pain. I got some healing in this instead of getting mad that no one else had a fix for me or no one else could have sympathy for me and that sympathy take away my pain I accepted that it was just the way that it was and I started pulling apart my baggage myself. I had to let go of somethings and learn how to heal other things. I had to walk from problems I could not handle etc.. one tiny tine step at a time.

newhope01

Hey, I just wanted to check in today.

I went to work today and it felt good to provide some compassion to one of my clients who was really hurting today. I hope she follows up with my suggestion and goals we set up.

I was able to get myself to my former professor to obtain that letter of recommendation he took the time to write for me. When I asked him for a duplicate he said there was no need as he was sure I would get accepted but if not he will write me a new one. Thought that was sweet.

Wasn't able to get that bad letter grade reversed because I just missed the dean of the department but I did try.

Best part was that I got myself to the gym despite the mental fight I had myself over it.


Still taking my meds and will plan to talk to someone soon about my depression/issues. I work a 16 hour shift tomorrow but I will make it a point to find a therapist. My friend may kill me if I don't follow through.

Hope everyone is doing well and again thanks for all the support everyone.

ETA:
ZJw did you seek personal counseling as well to help with your depression?

proclub

Well done newhope01! The first few steps out of the bubble are always the hardest

Bostonsportsfan

It sounds like you're being very proactive newhope. You're on the right path, just stay focused and committed to what you're doing.

newhope01

Its strange how I can fluctuate from being so down to barely feeling normal to flat lining again.

Im starting to think that it is my job that keeps me from falling to deep into my depression. But on the flipside, I think its my job that causes me anxiety.

I know the response is to find balance but I guess I just don't know how to do that. Or maybe more like I forgot how to find balance. I can't seem to have too much time on my hands and I usually fill it with hours at work.

I guess I am replacing one addiction with another and I just don't know how to stop. I don't know how to find that balance.

zjw

I think we wobble around a lot till we finally balance out. while wobbling we don't have much control and we need to accept that. in time the peeks and valleys of life as someone else mentioned start to ease up they are not as deep or as high things level out more and it gets easier. Its a combination of our ability to tackle and cope with our having made better choices along the way that leads up to all of this its just a slow process getting there.

But yeah I can wake up any random morning and for no reason at all my minds in the shithouse. Or at random times for no reason at all I feel myself sinking to a low. Its best to become mindful of that and have a plan so that you can tackle it before it gets too out of hand. That was hard for me to figure out. I'd allow myself to spiral downward for weeks at a time then I I got it down to days now I can pull myself out most times right away but sometimes I sink low for a few hours or so. Just got to be ahead of it.