Confused, are these feelings normal?
 

Hello all,

I'm not really sure what sub-forum to post in as its applicable to all. However, I'll just post here as I feel "most at home" here. Alcohol is the main problem anyway.

Today is day 48. I'm surprised at how much easier staying off alcohol has been than I expected. Xmas, New years eve , get togethers and so on. I managed to survive them all fairly unscathed. At all of them there was at least one person drinking and at some of them the drinks were flowing. I survived and I prevailed. I owe this sobriety period to SR , my doctor , the inventors of Antabuse and myself.

There have been a few episodes where the cravings kicked in. A couple where a little hard and I fought through them and they usually subsided within a few minutes.

For some reason today has been the hardest day for me. It came out of nowhere and has hit me like a brick. I feel like a real mess today.

I'm not sure what the weather is like where you all live , but here in Australia its particularly hot (summer) and I have a strong association with heat and beer. The things that go along with summer bbq's etc etc just make those associations even stronger.

I was at a friends and he also had another friend over and they were having a few beers. Lately I would just watch and feel pretty pleased with myself that I haven't wanted one too. Today things were quite different. I had the biggest hankering for a beer. The craving was soooo strong. All sorts of emotions went through me. First it was envy, then jealously along with depression (I miss my old friend) and even anger. I snapped at my wife over something minor.

My head is all over the place. Just before I started writing this I was laying in bed crying. I've gone through so many mood swings today ( yes men get them too , its official).

One thing I have really been struggling with is staying off opiates. That is another little stupid addiction I have. The severe headaches I started to get from Alcohol got me hooked on them . Its a double edged sword.

I feel like my brain chemistry is a complete mess today. I'll continue fighting my alcoholism and to stay off the OTC meds too.

I apologize in advance about the readability of this post as my thoughts/emotions are a little chaotic at the moment.

Thanks for letting me get this out. I feel a little better.

I'm curious if anybody else was hit by huge changes in emotion/mood after a few weeks into sobriety.

:gaah

I think that's very common sillyguy.

I think you could make it easier on yourself not being around drinkers right now, though.

I cut myself off form all drinking centered events for a few months. I still think it was a great investment for my recovery,

There's no need to be a hermit either - just use a little nous with the invites you accept?

D

Yes, the roller coaster of emotions can get pretty crazy at times, perfectly normal.

When I get angry, the first thing I want to do is blame others for it. They are making me that way.

What I have discovered is that is usually stems from me. In my case it meant I wanted to control some person, place or thing. I wanted to be able to change the situation that was out of my control and it basically pisses me off.

The only thing I can change, is me and my reaction to the person, place or thing.

When it comes to your drinking buddies, get the hell out of there! If you were on a diet would you stand in the dessert isle all day? Of course you are going to get angry, all that cake and pie around and you can't have any.

Leave, you are not a tree, you can move.

Up and down emotions are normal. We are not used to them, we drank them all away but that is an illusion. They never went anywhere. They sit and wait for us and when we get sober, there they are.

That is why moving, changing jobs or significant others does not work cause no matter where we go, there we are. We have to solve the issues on the inside, the ones that made us drink or the ones we have been running from.

Alcohol was my solution for a problem, it was not the original problem.

yeah its pretty normal. I walked around the house like a ticking time bomb some days or most days depending on who you ask lol. Even now 3+ years sober I still get moody but I realize whats going on and its ok. Things get more manageable with time and less intense.

And guess what even non drinking non alcohlics get a bit moody.

The cravings get better eventually you'll be in a situation like that and wonder how you ever drank to begin with!

What D said

I'm really really grateful for SR.

I feel even worse today. I'm pretty sure my chemistry is totally whacked right now.

I made the stupid mistake of opening up to my wife last night and being honest about how I felt. She could see I was upset, so I explained how I was still craving beer and I really wanted one with my friends etc (who I had visited that day). I also let her know that I didn't have one and won't have one but thought it would be helpful for her to understand how I felt and definitely helpful for me to be able to talk to somebody about how I felt.

BIG mistake. This morning she had a talk to me. It quickly escalated. She started out sounding helpful and expressed her concern for me. I said I was just being honest and yes I do still have those cravings. She wanted to understand what else was bothering me and I made the biggest mistake possible and let her know I was feeling frustrated about the things I spoke to her about that have been bothering her for YEARS and she hasn't followed those up like she promised.

That was a really bad idea as that instigated a tantrum and rage. All of a sudden I had switched the conversation to being about her (Yes , its true) but I was being honest about what was bothering me and making me feel like the way I was. So whilst I was talking about her I was trying to answer her questions.

It escalated into insults like "you loser" , "all you want to do is drink beer with your mates" , "go and get a case of f*#$n beer and get drunk with your mates" and so on.
There was a lot more but what's the point. You get the idea. I'm not innocent. I have no intentions of putting my wife down. I'm just telling it how it is.

So in the end I have learned a valuable lesson. Don't open up to people (even those you love and consider your soul mate) about something that they can not empathise with (that happens to be destructive)

The only alternatives are to pay somebody by the hour (Psychologist), somebody trained such as a counsellor or express yourself at a wonderful place like SR.

It would be even better to speak to somebody in person but honestly, I can't afford it. I have 8 sessions of government subsidized psychologist meetings ahead so that will have to do.

I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings/insult anybody but I have no intention of going to any place related to religion/ higher power. Sorry if that has occurred.

Its also obvious that I need to consider marriage counselling soon. I'm sick of putting my head in the sand and drinking away all of the problems in the past.

Anyway, I appreciate the comments above. Its so helpful to have an outlet like SR.

Thank you all. Have a great day.

I need to learn to use paragraphs properly again. It bothers me when I see huge posts with no paragraphs. I look above (my own post) after clicking Post and see way too many paragraphs which also bothers me.

LOL.

Give yourself a break. It hard to find the right emotional response after years of drinking those feelings away.

Give the missus a break too :)

As hard as this is for you, it might be even harder for her if she can't understand where you're coming from with the recovery stuff.

D

Yes, give yourself a break. You didn't know what you didn't know. Move past it and stay sober.

The only person I have control over is myself. I can't point a finger or blame others. They are mine and many times, especially in early recovery, I had a tendency to want to blame others for my anger.

At this early stage the focus should be on you and your recovery. Don't worry about what she is doing or not doing. Don't worry about what your friends are doing or not doing. Worry about what you are doing.

Day 48 and being confused is pretty common, it's very early in the process.

Im of the mindset of you gotta watch your step and be as considerate of others as possible when addressing stuff like this and you kinda gotta address it.

I went through a phase when I sobered up where sure I had hurt some folks and needed to make amends for that but Some folks had hurt me and I had to figure out what to do with that baggage. IN some cases I basicly addressed it with these individuals the best way I knew how. It was painful for them. I had put my thick skin on and realized that this was just how it was going to have to be as this bag of transgressions was theres not mine and I no longer wanted to feel bad about it etc.. This was a painful process for everyone involved even me with my thick skin on. But it was needed and I now don't have as much of that "I was the victom" stuff going on anymore with these folks because I addressed those concerns.

I'm not telling you how to handle it with your wife shes your wife you know better then I do. But if there are areas where she hurt you etc.. that you want to address there is a time and a place. I don't think its healthy to have the mindset of oh boooohoooo I'm the alcoholic I made a ton of mistakes everyone shold trample on me and crucify me. IN many cases other people made a lot of mistakes too. No ones perfect.

I would gingerly address your concerns with something like I realize I did xyz and it bothered you and I'm sorry but You also did xyz and it hurt me much like what I did hurt you etc... They may still jump on the defensive and while They may or may not be right (I'm not the judge) its almost expected in some cases. But the issue is for you to get it off your chest so that its not still dragging you down.

I have no idea how long you drank. But I myself drank over 30 years.
For me,it was a way of life. I planned most everything i did around the 5 oclock buzz.So when I quit I was just like you. I had no idea just what "normal" was. There were times I blew up at people,and a couple days later wondered just what was it I was thinking. They call it an emotional roller coaster ride for a reason. Because thats just what it is,and at 48 days you are right in the middle of it.
Booze alters the wiring of how we think. When it is removed,our minds have to be rewired,and while it's happening. Some systems are "shut down" at times. For instance,after i quit,I would be writing something. I would make a letter B when I told my hand to make the letter S. Thats just one of many examples
So to answer your question. I would say what's going on is perfectly normal. I can add,that if I had my recovery to do over. I would wait 2 or 3 days before making any major decisions on anything. But I have been sober close to 6 years,and I can still remember just how "in the right" I thought I was when I blew up at people. If I had it to do over,I would try to "lay low" as possible and do my best not to do anything I can't take back. (making too many paragraphs is hurting no one)
Sometime in the future the dust will settle,and you will be in a far better mental position. But right now you are in a dust storm.
Hang in there. Trust me. What you are doing is worth it.

Fred