sleepie

Hi all, happy Friday! I hope you will all look forward to a lovely weekend with your friends, family, pets, hobbies... enjoying life to the fullest, alcohol free

That being said, this post is a bit of a bummer, so please be warned- I don't want to put clouds in anyone's day. It would do me well to get a bit off my chest today though, so here goes.

Aside from the bad things drinking can bring, unfortunately it also brought my first feelings of being worry free. And of not caring. About what people thought of me, how I looked, how I dressed, how I was.

This is what has been difficult so far. I am only a month into sobriety. I have always been "different". An oddball. A weirdo who has trouble getting life. Learning that I have lived my life with an undiagnosed learning disorder has been crushing.

It makes all the abuse, the awful things I was told about myself by my family,classmates, and teachers throughout life ring true. The failed social life and relationships as an adult, not advancing to higher paying jobs and being stuck in the kiddie pool while feeling I was capable of so much more... It's all because of faulty wiring. Which there is no med for, no help. I get sad when I'm alone. I am stuck with this brain.

I wonder if I will be destined to work low wage jobs for life, be looked down on. Never own property, make money for the things I need, much less want. Have friends for more than a few months, or friends that are good for me and not dysfunctional. As I get older and older, people wonder why I haven't made something of myself. The disorder I live with makes it possible to get by and seem almost normal, for a bit. Then, it dawns on others that I ain't quite right. That something is off. I live in perpetual fear of this moment.

I'm not planning to drink today or any other day. However, self love is very, very difficult when you know that you are actually lesser than. When you have papers that tell you so. When you survived an abusive upbringing, then got tossed into life with an undiagnosed learning disorder to figure things out for yourself. No support, no reference. Find yourself much older with an identified problem that explains it all, crushes the last shred of self esteem you might have tried for... and that there is little info on and zero help or treatment for.

I have felt alone in uncharted waters my entire life. I know now that it wasn't just all in my head. It's cold comfort though.

I am holding my breath as I send this out. I hope it won't come back to taunt me. I hope I am not oversharing, or putting this in the hands of anyone who could harm me. I have been prey many times due to being gullible, another embarrassment in my life.

SoberLeigh

Sleepie, we value you for who you are. And from what I have seen, I think you are pretty great.

I have known a person or two with nvld. One of the traits I have found most refreshing in them is that they are 'Real'; there is nothing phony about them - no pretense. I see that in you, too, sleepie.

I happen to like you very much.

SoberLeigh

Bump.

sugarbear1

Try not to devote time on focusing on being less than anyone else. Try to overcome those fears. You are human. We all have strengths and weaknesses. We learn to overcome our weaknesses through our strengths. You have the capacity and intelligence to do this, too.

There are no perfect people.

Accept and love you for you. Stay stopped and move forward with life!

YOU CAN do this!!!!!

hugs and love to you!

airwick

Well, I sometimes feel VERY alone also. Am I going to be stuck at a low-income job because my reasoning/thinking/reactions are a bit slower due to an accident?

Maybe. I will NEVER limit myself nor feel as if I am less of a person

I won't ever be able to learn and comprehend or be like I was. Never.

Don't even try to set limitations on me, my brain won't comprehend that!
( ha-ha )

I get very upset when I hear people (like yourself) feeling like they are not good enough or that they are not "up-to- par"

In your writing, I see so much of myself. Sometimes we all just have to say we don't give a -----------------------------------------------
and continue on with our WONDERFUL LIVES

I just made myself feel a bit better....thanks to YOU!

Della1968

Don't ever feel you are "lesser than" anyone. We all have strengths, weaknesses and value. As do you. Believe in yourself and you won't need validation from others xoxo

uncle holmes

Thanks for your honesty. I once saw a psychologist who said that he'll take a person with a big heart with a learning disability over a smart person with no heart any day.

I've also had school administrators who told me they'd rather have a C student who gives it their all and wants to be there over an A student who doesn't want to be there.

I once told my plant manager about some of my worries and insecurities and he told me he'd rather have someone who isn't quite as skilled but has a good work ethic over someone who is skilled but is lazy and doesn't really want to be there.

What I'm trying to say is staying sober, having a good attitude and strong work ethic can go a long way.

Also there are many cases where people with learning disabilities continue their education, even go to college and get degrees with the help of a tutor.

Life is what you make of it. Most people don't even know their full potential. Chances are you can go further than you think.

sleepie

Thanks all. Just FYI, I prefer the term disorder over disability. That's just me.

beach20

Just sharing a thought that came from a sermon I listened to. The minister said that we we're created to be loved.

Professionally, I have worked with people who have learning disorders as well as those who don't.

I know you are loved and have something special to contribute to life and that you will find it.

You are not alone.

SunnyMe

Sleepie, I'm so glad you're here, so glad you felt safe enough to share. Your post touched me greatly. My son has a whole host of learning disorders, and what a joy he is! Easy? No, not always. But I value his different outlook on life, his joie de vivre, the different perspectives he brings.

My guess is that you're a wonderful person. Stand up tall. Participate. Find people who value you the way you deserve. Let us love you until you can love yourself.

markz

Non Verbal LD. Interesting. Does that mean, you cant read? Cant understand material when you read? Cant understand body language? or visual cues? Cant read faces?

Never heard of that, must be a "new-age" term.

I used to blame my drinking on everything other then myself.
Cant blame it on the LD classes that seperate you from your Home Class.
Cant blame it on the peers that tease you. Or the people that want to fight you.

sleepie

It's very real. Not a "new age" term. It has profoundly affected every area of my life. Google it. Try this as well.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yk7inZOfv7M

Please try to educate yourself before speaking on a sensitive topic.

Your comment is very hurtful, markz. Part of the issue with this disorder is that it goes so undiagnosed. I really opened up here about something painful that has affected me deeply. Bye all. Thanks to those who approached this with more compassion. It wasn't easy for me.

SunnyMe

Markz, I'm glad you never had to deal with anything like this. But that doesn't mean it's not real.

Sleepie, I hope you come back, that you find the peace and love you deserve, here and outside.

EndGameNYC

Hi sleepie.

No need to abandon SR. I can understand why you would feel hurt by some of the remarks in this thread, but I see no evidence that people were intending to hurt you. None of us are experts at providing the kind of help and support that everyone here needs. Yeah, we can seem insensitive around things we don't understand, but our ignorance comes from a helping place.

Many of us here have suffered through/suffer through a range of psychological and medical conditions, and SR is generally a very good place to discuss and explore such matters.

Very few people took the time or effort to understand what I was going through during my episodes of major depression...and I do mean "Major." Most people were too terrified at what they witnessed in me to risk reaching out. It was only through professional help that I was able to come to terms with what my depression was about and how to live with it. I haven't had a full or genuine episode in about a decade, and the things I learned about myself with a skilled therapist have stayed with me.

I noticed that you didn't mention anything about getting help for your condition, and I'm wondering whether or not this is an option for you.

In the meantime, there are plenty of people here who are willing and eager to lend support. Please don't deny yourself of such a powerful resource.

sleepie

You know, I was going to reply. But I can see it's futile. I am sad, and I am definitely having a cry because I feel extremely ashamed and I regret sharing this here. I have faced a lot of cruelty because of this disorder. I guess I mistakenly thought I was safe here.

Excusing ignorant comments and saying they were meant to help is just excusing insensitivity.

I'll never learn.

Sunnyme, I am glad your son has a caring parent. I didn't get that benefit and I know he will go far with the support of his family.

SoberLeigh

I hope you stay, sleepie.

As I mentioned, I do know a couple with diagnosed nvld; I have witnessed their struggles.

Andante

The bad news is that you’re never going to be able to change other people’s behavior.

The good news is that you can learn to change how you react to it.

I found that the more expectations I place on how other people behave towards me, the more I'm just setting myself up for disappointment.

I learned that it's a whole lot easier (and less stressful!) just to modify my expectations than it is to try to force the rest of the world to conform to them.

I know it’s not easy to forgive insensitivity and ignorance in others — I have problems with it myself — but I make better headway when I frame the problem in terms of what I have the ability to change.

The same goes for your disability, really. My own brain is afflicted with some pretty faulty wiring, too, but rather than focusing on the ways in which it limits me, I try to focus more on developing those aspects of my human experience that are less impaired.

beach20

Sleepie. I watched the utube. I hope you return.
I am just 8 days sober and have revealed more on SR than I ever have in my life.
We want to know about yours and anything you want to share.

Ken33xx

Perhaps consider seek professional counseling. Assuming you're a member of AA the rooms are filled with well-meaning individuals. However, it might be wise to think about outside help. AA isn't necessarily the end all to recovery.

Ken33xx

Or if you can change their behavior it's usually difficult. Yet, as you suggest we can change how we react.

In social settings I can usually bow but with regards to business it's not always easy.

I often need to run my options by another person to gain clarity.