letsbefriends

Hi friends,

I made a few posts on this forum in 2014 and now I'm back. I need to let off some steam I guess.

I've been drinking for some years with periods of abstinence. Every time I've had blood tests done the results have been fine. Still I'm worried about my physical well being. I was sober during October and November. I've been on a ~30 day binge now with a bottle of vodka/whisky a day with the exception of christmas. I didn't want to be drunk around my family so instead I resorted to benzodiazepines so I could relax and have a somewhat decent time.

Winter is boring. During summer I go fishing with a good friend most of the time. I'm on social security income, so I have all the time in the world for such things. I love the outdoors. Not so much during winter though.

I just built a new 2000$ PC, hoping it would make my everyday life more interesting. I've always loved video games, and now I have a perfect gaming PC plus a Playstation 4 with amazing equipment. In other words, I should be able to entertain myself without alcohol, but it hasn't worked so far. When I wake up I don't feel like doing anything other than getting a new bottle of vodka. I don't drink to the point where I'm acting silly or can't think straight. I drink just to the point where I'm comfortable and enjoy being by myself. I think's it's called maintenance drinking (someone correct me if I'm wrong). I never wake up not knowing what I've done or said the past evening. I can be with friends and remember every conversation we had and nobody sees me as a drunk. But they recognize that I'm an alcoholic, also because we talk openly about it.

I'm trying to plan my final attack on the bottle. I want this to end. I have 150 mg diazepam ready for this battle. Due to a heavy benzo abuse 1½ years ago (100mg+ diazepam daily) I still have very high tolerance for some reason, which only makes things harder. Also I suffer from anxiety. Unspecified anxiety I would call it, but it's diagnosed as generalized anxiety. In other words I'm just anxious/nervous/obsessive about random stuff, but barely any of it fits the diagnosis.

I'm thinking I should start with:
Day 1: 30 mg (high dose due to hangovers)
Day 2: 20 mg
Day 3: 20 mg
Day 4: 20 mg
Day 5: 20 mg
Day 6: 15 mg
Day 7: 15 mg
Day 8: 10 mg

My mind tells me that I need much higher doses, but this is all the medicine I have, and I'm not going to my doctor to get more. A benzo addiction is dreadful and a lot worse to me than alcohol.

If I don't succeed this time or the next I will consider a stay at a rehab facility. I asked my mother a few days ago if they would be able to financially support something like that and the answer was yes. My parents have a somewhat stable income, so they won't have to sell the house and all their belongings to help me. For that I feel blessed.

At this point I'm not troubling anyone directly with my abuse. I don't have a girlfriend/wife. Sometimes I wish I had. It would really motivate me to quit. Nobody is depending on me, except my godson who just turned 4. I want to be his role model and not some drunk uncle who doesn't have time. My uncle died of alcoholism a few years ago. He was a fantastic person. I don't want to follow in his alcoholic footsteps.

Wall of text, I know. I don't expect any replies. I just had to let off some steam.

**** alcohol. That substance should be banned/controlled as if it was cocaine.

I wish everyone here on these boards the best!!

zjw

or not. I got a wife and kids and I chose booze over them for years.

in the end what motivated me to quit was me. Things like your games and pc etc.. all of that never filled the void alcohol left behind or could ever replace it. But I was able to occupy time with stuff like that. So long as I never viewed it as a replacement or solution to not having booze I was content it strictly helped pass the time.

I had to stay occupied and keep myself engaged in something at all times in early sobriety.

endlesspatience

You say that you drink a bottle of vodka or whisky every day. You also say "When I wake up I don't feel like doing anything other than getting a new bottle of vodka". This is the experience of other people here. Many of us have gone on to seek help and support with an alcohol problem.

You posted in the category "Alcholism". Other alcoholics will see your post here.

It is possible to break the addiction. We can help you. But for most of us, we had to see the addiction for what it really was first.

Boleo

Sounds like one of the hundreds of controlled drinking experiments that I tried for years. Only results I ever got was;

Day 4: F-it.

doggonecarl

Maybe you don't need more meds, but you still might consider detoxing under medical supervision.

Alwyshope12

letsbefriends,

the diazepam is not a good idea unless you are under the care of a doctor who has extensive experience working with alcoholics. The benzo's are like a little pill of alcohol, they hit the same receptors.

you will get some great advice and support at AA as well. if you are serious about changing this part of your life, it will be huge help.

most of my anxiety and depression has been reduced since I quit, and I am sure that the longer I stay off, the more and more it will be reduced.

keep posting and working to solve this problem, it is not an overnight process, but well worth the journey,

leviathan

welcome back! i wish you the best, but just have to say this:

the reason youre into trouble is because you are self-medicationg. your diazepam plan is pretty straight forward, but still self-medicating. -a shaky proposition at best.

why are you not ready to go to a Dr.? -it's really the best way to go. if you are embarrassed at all, remember they deal with this crap all the time.

letsbefriends

- I feel that I see the addiction for what it is. I've had many addictions in my life already. Thank you for comment.

- Yea, I feel you. I've still had several months of sobriety though from trying to control it, which I'm thankful for. I just hope one day it ends with permanenty sobriety.

My doctor is specialized in substance/alcohol abuse and I'm very confident in her. I have a fair amount of knowledge regarding alcohol withdrawal and medication (benzodiazepines) and we agree on the approach.

As mentioned above my doctor is perfectly qualified. I'm happy that you're getting results from the support at AA. From what I know the AA concept has helped hundres of thousands if not millions, so I'm very supportive of it. It's just not not my thing. I kind of wish it was.


Thanks everyone for the replies. I just wanted to let off some steam and didn't expect this many replies :-) . I hope I don't come off as too arrogant.

NoJimmy

I know nothing about the use of benzo's to help with alcoholism. But I think it's a fairly bad idea to do so on your own without the guidance of a Docter/Professional. And since you recently had abuse problems with the solution drug, isn't there a good probability you will either be trading additions or potentially adding a second one?

tomsteve

I don't have a girlfriend/wife. Sometimes I wish I had. It would really motivate me to quit. Nobody is depending on me.

Welp, I'm thinkin ya might have some delusional thinkin here. Do you really believe that having someone in your life that counted on you would make a difference?
Do you really think that a wife or girlfriend would motivate you more?
If yes, I encourage you to go to the sub forum of personal stories and read from others that relationships/ marriages didn't help them get sober.

For myself it was my fiancé ( actually, by then it was my ex finance. I just hadn't been informed yet) telling me the day after my last drunk what I had done and said the night before in a blackout a d then telling me, " get the f**k out!!!" that got me into recovery.
But we didn't get back together.
Never once, through all the years thinkin a relationship would help me, did it help. Never once did having people in my life to count on me help.

I will say something to ya, let's: you get sober and do it for you p, do whatever is necessary to change you and your thinking, and your life will get better!

And that 30 day binge thing...Seems somewhat.....denial?.. To call drinking for 30 days straight the amount ya were drinkin a binge.

Getting sober was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.
Staying sober has been easy.

Carlotta

I am really glad that you don't. You should check out the Friends and Family forum on SR and read.
Alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages.

Alwyshope12

Hi letsbefriends,
AA is not for everyone, but the fact is that each and every AA experience is unique, and you will not click with everyone, or maybe even most, but when you are in enough pain, that is one way that can work. Giving it more of a shot and trying different meetings, raising your hand and saying you are new, staying around and meeting people, getting phone numbers all helps.

The simple fact is that AA has helped more people than your doctor. You can do that math. Has you doctor recommended medication that would help you quit that wasn't a benzo? Alcoholism is more than a disease of brain chemistry, much like many other diseases , it requires a variety of treatments to get under control.

Please don't count out all the options if you truly want to quit. sometimes you need to expand your search to find what you desire.

Curlyworld

You mention that you suffer from Generalised Anxiety Disorder. In my experience I had to deal with anxiety in order to get to a place where I can tackle the drinking.

Having suffered from chronic anxiety and depression since early childhood and I have been trying to deal with it with copious amounts of premium lager since age 16. I have seen several therapists over the last 20 odd years and because they couldn't really pin an event in my past to my problems they all blamed it on my drinking.

Six months ago an acupuncturist who specialises in Chinese medicine suggested I give up dairy as my tongue was swollen. Dairy can cause inflammation. She explained that inflammation can cause anxiety and or depression. I was skeptical but gave it a try and after about 8 weeks I started to get better and continue to do so. So much so that I feel like I don't need to drink anymore and today is day 9 of sobriety after 30 years of drinking.

Loads of things cause inflammation so it might be worth speaking to your doctor about it as it can be tested. Best of luck.

jaynie04

I detoxed off of benzos, Ambien and alcohol a year and a half ago. I noticed some similarities in my experience. I also have GAD and it had gotten to a point where I couldn't imagine not having a substance to calm me. Sitting in the parking lot of a pharmacy after I had a Klonopin script filled opening the bottle to get some relief….that was a good day.

I don't work either right now so there weren't a lot of constraints or pressures on me..I began to structure my days around getting numb or sleeping off a hangover. I regressed, and had people in my life take over responsibilities that I should have been handling. And my life became chaotic…because I had a full time job you see….getting drunk, numbing out, hiding bottles, filling prescriptions, buying booze, lying in bed awake and miserable at 2 am, counting pills worried I would run out, running to the doctor's office to get a refill….my life was busy, and my life was empty.

You mention not being inspired, not feeling like you have a purpose. Alcohol is not an aside from that….it is the driving issue behind that. When we are addicted we push everything else out of the way, our obsession crowds out any other interests. I felt my world telescoping down. It was me and the bottle, or the crappy plastic tray of pills.

One day I saw myself like a bad made for tv movie. I had a shuddering and cringe inducing moment of clarity where I saw myself sitting in bed with the shades drawn on a beautiful early summer day. I could hear someone else taking care of my daughter, and here I was, upstairs, popping Ambien at noon to try to sleep off a hangover.

I started to realize that this was a good as it was going to get, I had shaped my destiny….unless I took action. I called an addiction specialist that day. I told my husband the truth that night. Two weeks later I left for inpatient for a month. I have been sober since…and I swear to you that I get physically ill when I think back to those days.

There is no white knight of sobriety that rides in and takes charge. That is the hard part. The longer we are passive the more we are co-conspirators with that part of our brain that wants us to focus on immediate gratification. I see it as the same part of my brain that would love nothing better than to sit around eating french fries and ice cream, sleep all day, watching crappy tv. It is the old brain that can only see the here and now, and the longer we all that old brain to own us the weaker our rational, evolved brain becomes.

There is nothing passive about getting sober. Hope is not a strategy. I learned to be patient, with myself and with the process. Becoming patient and not expecting results immediately was key to my ability to stay the course. I had to learn to live in the gray, feel uncomfortable, understand that anxiety wouldn't kill me.

You seem to be in the same place I was. A gaming system is great, but my hunch is that you are hungering for more. There is a lot of satisfaction in taking your life back, and no longer simply being a passive observer. Connecting with others, be it here or face to face means you are beginning to use the part of your brain that is actually capable of delivering sincere satisfaction. While it hasn't been all rainbows and unicorns, I have enjoying being present. Simply by getting clean and sober a huge dynamic in my life shifted, and then I was available to reinforce that sense of ownership in other areas of my life.

I recognize that feeling of trying to play the mad scientist, if I take this to offset that then things will get better. For me, it simply allowed me to perpetuate the downward spiral and feel as if I was doing something.

For me, it was the most important thing I have ever done in my life. The contentment I feel from interrupting such a destructive process is real, and the pleasure of being fully present is better than any high substances ever brought. I hope you give yourself the gift of sobriety, you are worth it.

waynetheking

Your final attack on the bottle is drug addiction? ..I hate to be the bearer of bad news here but that approach will never work and possibly get you killed in the process. There is not a easy and softer way in beating alcoholism. You have to quit pouring alcohol down your throat. You have to realize its a deadly disease. And you have to take action in maintaining your sobriety. Dont let alcoholism sugarcoat its role in ending your life. Thats the deception. And your buying into it. In my opinion your best defense is to entirely stop all mind altering drugs and alcohol. After the fog clears youll see the fools gold alcoholism has dealt you. Good luck my friend. Stay with us.

letsbefriends

Too many replies to quote. Thanks everyone. I really appreciate your replies. Some of them were really insightful.

I just had a meeting with my social security councelor (not sure if that's the right word!) - As of today I have made arrangements for an internship at my very close friends' company, as a security guard. I'm well protected by the amazing social security system that we have here in Denmark. Economy is not gonna be an issue, so all the practical stuff is set.

I'm usually an all-in person. If I decide to stick with it and apply for employment later on, I have high hopes that I will manage. My friend who runs the company knows about my troubles and supports me. I've been on a few jobs (unofficially) protecting important people and such and managed to carry the weight with ease, so I know I'm good for it. At least for now.

Now I just need to lay down the bottle. I'm up a bottle of vodka plus 10 beers tonight. Pathetic to say the least.

To the people having opinions on GABA receptor medication, please don't doubt me. I have extensive experience. I know I can get ****** over any time, but I still see it as my 2nd last resort.

My last resort is an expensive facility/stay for which I'm financially backed up.

I know that alcohol won't kill me. It's just a matter of how far I might go. My arrogance wants me to beat it without any help and just by hand-to-hand combat.

letsbefriends

Staying sober is always easy

Thank you for your post my friend.

letsbefriends

Sounds interesting. Too good to be true, but yet it makes sense in some way. Do you have any more information?

letsbefriends

I just want to clarify; I'm in a perfect dialogue with my doctor about my quitting/withdrawal/tapering. She's an expert and I've worked with her for years.

The rest is up to me.

carlingford

it is not an overnight process, but well worth the journey

I like that, day 16 and struggling, quotes like that make me feel good, have to soldier on.... Thanks Alwyshope