Big relapse... making it through
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 13
Big relapse... making it through
Hi SR,
Looking for some support right now. Usually it helps to only read but I need to talk this time.
I'm 27yo, been drinking since I was 15, heavily since I was 18. To type those numbers reinforces to me that I need to stop. I started experiencing withdrawls probably 18 months ago and started trying to quit.
During 2014 I spent 9 months of it sober! I'm so proud of that. I did 1 month at the beginning... followed by a bender... then another 2 months... followed by a bender.
Then I opened up about my issues with my family, got counsellors and I managed to get 6 months. I was so happy. I even started to treat my anxiety...
During the 2014 holiday season just passed I slipped up and ended up on a 7 day bender (from 27th - 2nd.) That shame is so bad! 2 days of that were trying to stop on my own before I went for help....
The Dr was understanding that I REALLY do want to stop. I am in touch with the deep anxiety in myself that drives this monster to consume me when I start, I told her that. I told her I have the tools I just need to use them properly. I think what started this one was my girlfriend and I breaking up. It was for our own good but the holiday season made me feel so lonely and then boom.... "I can take one drink, turned into a pile of beers and a few 26s" (Such a painful lesson to learn isn't it.)
To help with the extreme withdrawls I was given Ativan for a couple of days. Thank god for that because the demons in my sleep were the most painful experience of my life. I'm at that point now where I was almost gripped by seizures.
I made it through that night, and then the next. Vitamins, Vegetables and soup are my best friend.
Tonight is my first night without Ativan and it's 1am, I recently move to Canada and away from everyone that I love.
My anxiety was CRUSHING. My hands were shaking and I couldn't stop thinking about how bad I was. I have a new job starting Thursday and that idea was killing me. I felt such guilt for making the mistake so close. I can only see this pain as withdrawl after such a thrashing on the body.
I walked to my local pub, had one beer to stop myself having a panic attack, and walked out. Walked home around the block and here I am.
Can you please tell me everything will be OK? I know the first year is the hardest and the next year will be my first of FOREVER.
Some people say they have alot to live for. You do! I do! I've gotta get through this. Sadly this isn't the first big struggle of my life, and it won't be our last. I feel as human's we are given a blessing and a curse with our consciousness. I want to learn to see it mostly as a blessing, and that will take one day at a time.
Please SR, I hope to sleep soon but would love you to make me feel like it's all going to be OK if you're there....
Looking for some support right now. Usually it helps to only read but I need to talk this time.
I'm 27yo, been drinking since I was 15, heavily since I was 18. To type those numbers reinforces to me that I need to stop. I started experiencing withdrawls probably 18 months ago and started trying to quit.
During 2014 I spent 9 months of it sober! I'm so proud of that. I did 1 month at the beginning... followed by a bender... then another 2 months... followed by a bender.
Then I opened up about my issues with my family, got counsellors and I managed to get 6 months. I was so happy. I even started to treat my anxiety...
During the 2014 holiday season just passed I slipped up and ended up on a 7 day bender (from 27th - 2nd.) That shame is so bad! 2 days of that were trying to stop on my own before I went for help....
The Dr was understanding that I REALLY do want to stop. I am in touch with the deep anxiety in myself that drives this monster to consume me when I start, I told her that. I told her I have the tools I just need to use them properly. I think what started this one was my girlfriend and I breaking up. It was for our own good but the holiday season made me feel so lonely and then boom.... "I can take one drink, turned into a pile of beers and a few 26s" (Such a painful lesson to learn isn't it.)
To help with the extreme withdrawls I was given Ativan for a couple of days. Thank god for that because the demons in my sleep were the most painful experience of my life. I'm at that point now where I was almost gripped by seizures.
I made it through that night, and then the next. Vitamins, Vegetables and soup are my best friend.
Tonight is my first night without Ativan and it's 1am, I recently move to Canada and away from everyone that I love.
My anxiety was CRUSHING. My hands were shaking and I couldn't stop thinking about how bad I was. I have a new job starting Thursday and that idea was killing me. I felt such guilt for making the mistake so close. I can only see this pain as withdrawl after such a thrashing on the body.
I walked to my local pub, had one beer to stop myself having a panic attack, and walked out. Walked home around the block and here I am.
Can you please tell me everything will be OK? I know the first year is the hardest and the next year will be my first of FOREVER.
Some people say they have alot to live for. You do! I do! I've gotta get through this. Sadly this isn't the first big struggle of my life, and it won't be our last. I feel as human's we are given a blessing and a curse with our consciousness. I want to learn to see it mostly as a blessing, and that will take one day at a time.
Please SR, I hope to sleep soon but would love you to make me feel like it's all going to be OK if you're there....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
I would love to tell ya everything wil be ok, but that's only a half truth. Keep drinkin and everything will get worse.
Stop playing games and use them tools ya talk about and everything probably will be ok.
The first year is the hardest??? When I got sober, if I woulda thought about the first 365 days and all I would go through I woulda got drunk!
Theres only one day to work on and that's today. Don't be concerned about tomorrow and beyond. And that whole forever thing- if I worry about forever and end up dieing tomorrow, I wasted valuable time.
It will get better and life will take on new meaning if you put in the footwork to change.
Stop playing games and use them tools ya talk about and everything probably will be ok.
The first year is the hardest??? When I got sober, if I woulda thought about the first 365 days and all I would go through I woulda got drunk!
Theres only one day to work on and that's today. Don't be concerned about tomorrow and beyond. And that whole forever thing- if I worry about forever and end up dieing tomorrow, I wasted valuable time.
It will get better and life will take on new meaning if you put in the footwork to change.
for myself
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 24
Very sad post... I am from Canada too (irrelevant).
Wanting help is the first step. For some, it takes years of "wanting" before finally being able to make the DECISION to stop. I am 3 days sober and like to think I have made the choice, because this is the longest in years that I've remained motivated....
Regardless, as long as you continue to have the desire - you will accomplish what every addict really wants - a normal, sober life... I know you can do this, and if you ever need anyone to talk to I would love to listen.
Don't beat yourself up for falling off the wagon - shame, guilt, low self-worth TRIGGERS those IMPULSES. Hey, you're human, you suffer the disease of addiction but you can change it and you will. You ****** up but you're still here, aren't you? You're a good person and deserve all the good that life has to offer.
Life is a blessing. You are.
Wanting help is the first step. For some, it takes years of "wanting" before finally being able to make the DECISION to stop. I am 3 days sober and like to think I have made the choice, because this is the longest in years that I've remained motivated....
Regardless, as long as you continue to have the desire - you will accomplish what every addict really wants - a normal, sober life... I know you can do this, and if you ever need anyone to talk to I would love to listen.
Don't beat yourself up for falling off the wagon - shame, guilt, low self-worth TRIGGERS those IMPULSES. Hey, you're human, you suffer the disease of addiction but you can change it and you will. You ****** up but you're still here, aren't you? You're a good person and deserve all the good that life has to offer.
Life is a blessing. You are.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: WA
Posts: 891
The fact that you had one beer and walked out of the bar while feeling so anxious and didn't pick up a bottle on the way home but instead logged in to SR tells me you are doing better than you think.
There's no rule that says you have to drink.
You sound lonely up there. Must be hell. Keep checking in. There are online chat rooms and online AA meetings too. Somewhere every second of everyday alcoholics like we are getting together to support each other. So don't feel alone there are millions of us around the world that care about you and want to see you get better.
There's no rule that says you have to drink.
You sound lonely up there. Must be hell. Keep checking in. There are online chat rooms and online AA meetings too. Somewhere every second of everyday alcoholics like we are getting together to support each other. So don't feel alone there are millions of us around the world that care about you and want to see you get better.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
if you are coming off a bender, anxiety will be heightened. I have been thru some terrible detox/withdrawals. After my last relapse, I didn't sleep one wink until day 4. The anxiety is a biological reaction to the alcohol leaving your nervous system.
I drank alcoholically for about 10 years. One year sober now. I had bad anxiety when I was drinking but as soon as I sobered up, all anxiety and depression disappeared. You will be in for a rough few days but if you tough it out and not drink, I promise you that your anxiety will improve greatly.
You must stop drinking period. Otherwise, the anxiety will be right back with a vengeance. Relax, eat healthy, watch some movies, post here often and in a couple days you should be feeling much better
I drank alcoholically for about 10 years. One year sober now. I had bad anxiety when I was drinking but as soon as I sobered up, all anxiety and depression disappeared. You will be in for a rough few days but if you tough it out and not drink, I promise you that your anxiety will improve greatly.
You must stop drinking period. Otherwise, the anxiety will be right back with a vengeance. Relax, eat healthy, watch some movies, post here often and in a couple days you should be feeling much better
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Keep trying you have had periods of sober time which is awesome
it all comes down on acceptance theres no point going down a dead end road
reinforce your sobriety all the time whether its interacting more here at SR or going more meetings
build your new recovery plan put tools in the toolbag work on your sobriety bud
you can do this and you have us with you 24/7 and were 110% behind you
it all comes down on acceptance theres no point going down a dead end road
reinforce your sobriety all the time whether its interacting more here at SR or going more meetings
build your new recovery plan put tools in the toolbag work on your sobriety bud
you can do this and you have us with you 24/7 and were 110% behind you
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi.
There is much good useful advice above if it’s used.
The majority of sober folks needed to become honest with ourselves about OUR drinking as a starter and then accept the fact that we cannot drink alcohol in safety one day at a time in a row.
Then comes the work for lasting sobriety = WORK on ourselves to achieve long term sobriety.
After the initial pain involved to get sober for a period we need to change the drinking person into a healthy person mentally and emotionally. This takes that four letter word TIME, hated by alcoholics but is another fact.
Hang on and enjoy the trip!
BE WELL
There is much good useful advice above if it’s used.
The majority of sober folks needed to become honest with ourselves about OUR drinking as a starter and then accept the fact that we cannot drink alcohol in safety one day at a time in a row.
Then comes the work for lasting sobriety = WORK on ourselves to achieve long term sobriety.
After the initial pain involved to get sober for a period we need to change the drinking person into a healthy person mentally and emotionally. This takes that four letter word TIME, hated by alcoholics but is another fact.
Hang on and enjoy the trip!
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 296
Will everything be ok?
Depends really, depends on how badly do you want to recover.
Are you willing to go to any lengths at any time, or just when its convient for you.
Whats the difference between a BIG relapse and a small relapse?
I would say nothing at all. Like saying well doc, I got some really BIG cancer.
Cancer is cancer.
Relapse is relapse.
Maybe BIG relapse means for the first time ever, you are going to the Penitentiary instead of every other time it was the drunk tank.
Its really no difference. Depending on how progressed you are in the disease. You gave in, you drank. You believed a lie that nothing bad will happen, yet most times, something happens.
Depends really, depends on how badly do you want to recover.
Are you willing to go to any lengths at any time, or just when its convient for you.
Whats the difference between a BIG relapse and a small relapse?
I would say nothing at all. Like saying well doc, I got some really BIG cancer.
Cancer is cancer.
Relapse is relapse.
Maybe BIG relapse means for the first time ever, you are going to the Penitentiary instead of every other time it was the drunk tank.
Its really no difference. Depending on how progressed you are in the disease. You gave in, you drank. You believed a lie that nothing bad will happen, yet most times, something happens.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
You can beat this. But walking into a pub for just one beer isn't the way to do it. Can you focus on some anxiety reducing techniques such as meditation, exercise, or doing something you enjoy to get your mind off this for the first few days? Facing a new job is extremely stressful, but going into work hungover is really going to hurt you.
Focusing on not drinking, no matter happens is #1.
And then dealing with you anxiety using some other means or coping skill is next. Do you walk, run, lift weights? Exercising will also help you sleep better so that you can get up on time for work.
How about have some nutritious food in the fridge to cook right when you get home from work so you won't go out and drink?
Focusing on not drinking, no matter happens is #1.
And then dealing with you anxiety using some other means or coping skill is next. Do you walk, run, lift weights? Exercising will also help you sleep better so that you can get up on time for work.
How about have some nutritious food in the fridge to cook right when you get home from work so you won't go out and drink?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 13
Hi SR,
Thank you for all the supportive words during that horrible time. Thankfully, I'm back on the horse and have been now since this went down. That was an intense time (4 days of crippling anxiety) but I am accepting of my mistake. I'm not beating myself up and working on finding peace in myself every single day.
I'm happier without alcohol but need to keep reminding myself that even one is a terrible idea. It's never only one. It's my task to find the real version of the false peace alcohol pretends to bring.
Thanks again.
Thank you for all the supportive words during that horrible time. Thankfully, I'm back on the horse and have been now since this went down. That was an intense time (4 days of crippling anxiety) but I am accepting of my mistake. I'm not beating myself up and working on finding peace in myself every single day.
I'm happier without alcohol but need to keep reminding myself that even one is a terrible idea. It's never only one. It's my task to find the real version of the false peace alcohol pretends to bring.
Thanks again.
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