SonomaGal

Good god, I nearly drank last night to make house cleaning and job searching and being bored on a Friday night more fun. Stupidest reasons ever to throw away 14 months, but it sure made sense at the time.

Luckily I called my best friend who has just over a year, confessed my twisted thinking, tried to debate why one night would be okay, discussed moderation tactics, and then had to admit how irrational and poorly thought out this was.

I'm much clearer this morning, and thankful I'm sober. But damn I'm a bit shocked to have come so close. Sure I've thought about drinks quite a bit since I quit, but this was the first time I had a real plan about how to cheat sobriety and make it no big deal.

I think I need more time to let this whole thing absorb, but I thought I'd put it in writing my favorite mantra: "I'm not going to drink, no matter what."

readerbaby71

"I'm not going to drink, no matter what." That's pretty much it. I feel for you. A similar thing happened to me the other day and I was really shaken. Be proud of yourself for reaching out and resisting BEFORE you took a drink. Good job! xoxoxo

dwtbd

Score one big one for rationality. Your mantra sounds like just the ticket. And sometimes the adjunct of " fun?! My a$$!! "

freshstart57

Your new mantra sounds much like my tag line, SonomaGal. I found that AVRT gave me a way to look at that mantra in a way that made my sobriety decision much easier. Maybe pop over to the Secular Connections forum? You might find some interesting and helpful things there.

SonomaGal

I told her I'd drink one night, and then happily go back to sobriety for another year, or more likely forever. That drinking again would help me see that I'm not missing anything, or show me that I'm okay to be a drinker again. That my relationship with alcohol has never been clear, so drinking again would give me clarity. That last night was perfect because I could be hung over today and then get back to being productive. Yikes!! Text book AV thinking, text book relapse thinking, just plain crazy drinking thinking!

I will give myself credit for actually speaking these thoughts aloud (cuz I knew they were irrational, and I knew she'd call me on them). Back in my drinking days, I'd have tried to spin things so they sounded valid. I mean who knows if they did, but I used to put a lot of effort into the rationalization...

WillLess

Wow, that's scary! Glad you had someone to talk you out of that fit of insanity! Good job hanging tough.

SoberLeigh

Good job, SonomaGirl, thinking it through and talking it out!!!!!

Anna

This is SO important.

OklaBH

Wow I am so glad you got your bearings and worked through it. Great job and Im glad you posted this

oak

Definitely give yourself credit for talking to a friend. Very good choice.

I recently planned to relapse and had great reasons why it was okay. It is freaky how much our thinking can change and how 'rational' drinking can sound (in our own minds). Saying it out loud to someone else is sometimes all I need to do.
(I stayed sober too, but it freaked me out that I came close. And now I have almost no urge to drink. I feel solidly sober.)

I also use that mantra, "I don't drink no matter what."

Soberpotamus

Glad you didn't!

Playing the thoughts over in your mind and examining the AV in action... great job!

Determining to never drink again no matter what... that's where it's at

kittycat3

nice job sonoma gal. Thanks for reminding me how cunning this thing can be.

Bostonsportsfan

I'm glad to hear you didn't relapse and came to your senses. I think we all have "those" moments in recovery, where drinking seems rational again. The goal is to not listen to those thoughts and you didn't. You should be very proud you didn't give in! 14 months is a lot to throw away, so I'm very glad you took this serious and made the right decision. Calling your sober friend was the right move.

SonomaGal

One of the stranger parts was that as I was talking to her, I was having these fast but vivid images/memories of fun times I had drinking. They seriously spanned 18 or so years. Notably no memories from my last few drinking years, which were not full of fun parties and people, but mostly just six packs, and bottles of wine, in my house. My AV pulled out ALL the stops once I started seriously planning on it.

Also, thank you all soooo much for your replies! I'm so thankful for SR and all you wonderful people