cheating
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 44
cheating
I usually post in friends and family of alcoholics but i would like a perspective from the other side. My xah with whom I have two small children with has cheated on me numerous times. All of them have been while he was actively drinking. When sober or working his program he NEVER did this. We are no longer together as of recently. He cheated yet again and I left the relationship. Although I am a wreck trying to deal with this I just want to know why some A's do this and how remorseful are you if you do? Trying to understand so I can try to forgive and move on.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
I cheated on my wife while I was drinking and although I've been sober for some time, I've had other instances in my sobriety that I'm not proud of. I believe it's the nature of the beast. Self-gratification is what it's all about. That's what addiction is about, coupled with a physical craving for more of the same. That's why AA defines the disease as physical, mental and emotional. A three pronged spear as it were. I've always been remorseful....after the fact, but the fact is, if I rest on my laurels and think I've got this thing licked, I'm doomed to fall yet again. A great friend of mine told me to stand guard at the portal of thought and to be constantly vigilant. Of course you should forgive and move on but not because of what you might gain from the knowledge of what he's doing or thinking but so that YOU can move on. As long as you don't forgive, you're stuck right where you are, looking for answers you may never get. By the way, my wife is alcoholic also, and we've been married 52 years.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Hi weezer. I'm sorry about your problems.
As you probably know, active alcoholics tend to lie a lot in order to protect the opportunities for drinking. Cheating in relationships is one form of this, but I believe that if he was drinking while doing it, it's also the effect of alcohol's lowering inhibitions. We do and say many things that we shamefully regret later, and one might think this can be taken as a lesson and won't happen again, but in reality, we do horrible things over and over and over again while drinking. I also ran parallel relationships and juggled them in sometimes crazy ways while I was drinking, and not only when alcohol was actually in my system. In my case, a lot of this was about my feeling insecure about myself and being quite aware of a very low level of self-worth. The more bad act, the worse this became. I think I chose to sometimes get into multiple relationships in parallel because I was not able to commit to any one of them in a genuine, intimate way. If we don not value ourselves, it's hard to love anyone else in a real way. So we often tend to look for superficial affairs and partners that reflect this damaged self image, while at the same time we desire something (someone) completely different. But we are not able to stand up to that "ideal" in terms of action, so seek replacements that allow us to get away with bad behavior. I think this "mechanism" is true for people struggling with a variety of psychological issues, not only addiction. As for being remorseful, I have definitely had very hard time letting go and forgiving myself some of the things I did as a consequence of my drinking. One way people (especially those that use 12-step programs) try to work on this is by making amends to those we hurt, I believe this helps some people more than others.
The other side of it is that cheating also happens in relationships without drinking and there are many reasons why people behave this way. You did not say anything about your relationship in general, so it's hard to discern all the components. If you are no longer together, I would suggest to keep it that way because it sounds like you have already given him a few chances earlier. I think forgiving on your side could be taken not that you finally accept or approve his acts, but making peace with the past so that you do not carry serious resentments into your future.
As you probably know, active alcoholics tend to lie a lot in order to protect the opportunities for drinking. Cheating in relationships is one form of this, but I believe that if he was drinking while doing it, it's also the effect of alcohol's lowering inhibitions. We do and say many things that we shamefully regret later, and one might think this can be taken as a lesson and won't happen again, but in reality, we do horrible things over and over and over again while drinking. I also ran parallel relationships and juggled them in sometimes crazy ways while I was drinking, and not only when alcohol was actually in my system. In my case, a lot of this was about my feeling insecure about myself and being quite aware of a very low level of self-worth. The more bad act, the worse this became. I think I chose to sometimes get into multiple relationships in parallel because I was not able to commit to any one of them in a genuine, intimate way. If we don not value ourselves, it's hard to love anyone else in a real way. So we often tend to look for superficial affairs and partners that reflect this damaged self image, while at the same time we desire something (someone) completely different. But we are not able to stand up to that "ideal" in terms of action, so seek replacements that allow us to get away with bad behavior. I think this "mechanism" is true for people struggling with a variety of psychological issues, not only addiction. As for being remorseful, I have definitely had very hard time letting go and forgiving myself some of the things I did as a consequence of my drinking. One way people (especially those that use 12-step programs) try to work on this is by making amends to those we hurt, I believe this helps some people more than others.
The other side of it is that cheating also happens in relationships without drinking and there are many reasons why people behave this way. You did not say anything about your relationship in general, so it's hard to discern all the components. If you are no longer together, I would suggest to keep it that way because it sounds like you have already given him a few chances earlier. I think forgiving on your side could be taken not that you finally accept or approve his acts, but making peace with the past so that you do not carry serious resentments into your future.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 44
We have been together for almost 10 yrs and have two young children. Thank you for the replies. I just kept trying and trying to make our family just that, a happy family but he couldnt stay sober and faithful. I hate it for my kids to not have their father daily. It is how it has to be though.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by weezer77 
Although I am a wreck trying to deal with this I just want to know why some A's do this and how remorseful are you if you do? Trying to understand so I can try to forgive and move on.
Alcoholics do absurd things because the ISM component of alcohol-ISM is beyond human understanding. The disease/disorder/affliction takes control of the alcoholics thinking to the point of rendering understanding completely useless.
Even now, looking back on my absurd behavior while actively drinking, I can not say as I understood any of it. It was as if though alcohol-ISM was making my decisions for me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 269
I have never been a cheater, but alcohol definitely had a role in relationships not working out. When I was actively drinking, I never saw my role as being that terrible. But once I sobered up, I could begin to see how my emotions were self centered and my treatment of ex's was not how I would like to have acted.
The posts above are all correct about not understanding remorse until actively working a program.
The posts above are all correct about not understanding remorse until actively working a program.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: northern AZ
Posts: 796
I'm sorry. Betrayal hurts. To me, right or wrong but what I've seen, alcoholics do many things designed to keep their attention outward rather than inward. I call most of them reaching for chaos which becomes a reason to keep medicating. Cheating is sometimes, and more often than not, about that and not any other perceived reward.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: WA
Posts: 891
Very remorseful. It's an insane part of alcoholic behavior and feeds the guilt and torment that pushes some drunks to lower depths of despair. I'm guilty of it and cannot explain why I ever did what I did.
Anyone that didn't feel remorse would cheat drunk or sober. Could not imagine doing it now. It's hard enough now to tell a fib let alone betray and be blatantly dishonest to someone I love.
Anyone that didn't feel remorse would cheat drunk or sober. Could not imagine doing it now. It's hard enough now to tell a fib let alone betray and be blatantly dishonest to someone I love.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 251
One of my favorite song lines since quitting is "the bottle ain't to blame and i ain't trying to, cuz it don't make you do a thing it just lets you" and that's it. I never cheated drunk becaue I was rarely in a situation where I would be able to. When someone did show an interest I politely declined the multiple offers but had I had a few more drinks in me who knows? Sober I would not think about it for one second. I don't believe though a person who accepts their problem and works hard to correct it is as bad as the person cheating just to cheat. Under the influence is just that the drug is distorting you and you are not in a clear mind making that decision.
Omnivore
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Winter Water Wonder Land
Posts: 516
Originally Posted by weezer77
I usually post in friends and family of alcoholics but i would like a perspective from the other side. My xah with whom I have two small children with has cheated on me numerous times. All of them have been while he was actively drinking. When sober or working his program he NEVER did this. We are no longer together as of recently. He cheated yet again and I left the relationship. Although I am a wreck trying to deal with this I just want to know why some A's do this and how remorseful are you if you do? Trying to understand so I can try to forgive and move on.
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