Timmy1028

I am new here. I wanted to get the thoughts of members of this forum. Although this is my first post, I've been reading it for some time and it has offered a great deal of support for me and the struggles I've been going through. Recently, I decided to put down the drink and I have done so successfully for nearly 6 months. I haven't shared my little project with anyone, because I didn't want to be labeled as that guy who had quit drinking because he had to. Because it was a problem for him. Fortunately I have lost a significant amount of weight in the last six months, so I have told friends and relatives that my not having a beer here, a glass of wine there,etc. was due to my weight loss goal. It's worked.

Recently however, an old friend came into town. To make a long story short, I went out with his friend and over the course of the entire evening and several different bars consumed a grand total of three beers. Very spaced out, but I didn't feel comfortable not being at least "social". I did it. Since then, I have experienced no cravings, desires, or downward spiral back to where I was.

I know this is where a lot of people who have been in my shoes slip up. They think they're in control now. I don't want to end up where I used to be. I know I haven't gone into that, but I'm sure most of you can imagine.

In the end, I am back on the wagon - many days now, not finding any cravings or anything like that. I still feel like I'm in control, but I know the dangers of feeling too save. Anybody else been here before?

Dee74

Hi Timmy - welcome

I think most of us have experienced nights of controlled drinking.
Sometimes these nights will come after a period of abstinence.

This is addiction at it's most insidious IMO, because we'll privilege these few nights over the hundreds of other nights where we did not have control.

Abstinence is not the same as control, and I think you realise that.

I always ended up back in the same place when I drank, sometimes sooner sometimes later, but always.

If I drank like a 'normal' person one night it was mostly down to luck.

I don't know you at all, so I can't say - but maybe you spun the roulette wheel and you had a lucky night too?

Dee74

Hi Timmy - welcome

I think most of us have experienced nights of controlled drinking.
Sometimes these nights will come after a period of abstinence.

This is addiction at it's most insidious IMO, because we'll privilege these few nights over the hundreds of other nights where we did not have control.

Abstinence is not the same as control, and I think you realise that.

I always ended up back in the same place when I drank, sometimes sooner sometimes later, but always.

If I drank like a 'normal' person one night it was mostly down to luck.

I don't know you at all, so I can't say - but maybe you spun the roulette wheel and you had a lucky night too?

MelindaFlowers

What jumped out at me first is that you didn't tell anybody. I used to not tell people so I could start drinking again at any time without raising any eyebrows.

For someone to seek out a recovery website, register, and post, there has to be a pretty serious concern about drinking. Why did you stop six months ago?

I found this site after I began to gave some serious concerns about my health.

I would be interested to hear what brings you here. From what you wrote, you sound like somebody who can stop drinking whenever you want and drink moderately on occasion. So what's the problem?

MelindaFlowers

What jumped out at me first is that you didn't tell anybody. I used to not tell people so I could start drinking again at any time without raising any eyebrows.

For someone to seek out a recovery website, register, and post, there has to be a pretty serious concern about drinking. Why did you stop six months ago?

I found this site after I began to gave some serious concerns about my health.

I would be interested to hear what brings you here. From what you wrote, you sound like somebody who can stop drinking whenever you want and drink moderately on occasion. So what's the problem?

Hawks

Yep, I drank again after 2 years dry.

First time, bought a 6 pack, had 3, went to bed, woke up next morning and thought "hazaarrrrr " I overplayed the whole thing, I'm not alcoholic, I was just having a bad run.

It was about 4 months later, I drank to the point of black out, 12 beers and shots of tequila in there too.

Pulled my head in after that, tried to control it some more, but never did regain it.

Truth is, I love drinking to get drunk.

I'm wired different, 3 or 4 drinks is just an exercise in pure and utter frustration. One drink (unless it's really strong) doesn't buzz me, so what's the point in just one either??

It got out of control for me, your case might be different, but if it is, you'll be the first problem drinker I've ever heard of who gains control again long term.

Timmy1028

Melinda - just looking for some support, maybe interaction with people who have been there before. What's the problem you ask? Drinking on the job, drinking to manage withdrawal, drinking to be buzzed, trunking just because I have nothing else to do, drinking and developing generalized anxiety disorder.

That's the problem, combined with a good family background, successful career history, (you should see the stuff I can accomplish with a few in me) and a tremendous amount of willpower that I think is fooling me into thinking I can control it.

Hawks - that's what I needed to hear. Almost my thought process to the letter, with the exception of going back to regular drinking at this point - but the false sense of control makes it tempting. Believe it or not, your story puts my situation back in perspective. Thanks!

"Insidious" is a great word. It's almost like the disease is trying to trick me. Three beers tonight. A few drinks next week. Drinking more regularly again. Back at the store at 7 am in three months to get the quick fix to manage a hangover.

No thanks.

Bostonsportsfan

Timmy, personally I think everyone has had a night where they "controlled" their drinking and didn't get hammered, black out, cause problems, etc. I personally know if I tried to go back to "moderate" drinking, I'd fail in a quick second. I've already tried it once and it failed and I know the "3rd time" wont be a charm. I don't think a former alcoholic or addict can ever go back to "normal" drinking or using. I also believe alcohol being legal and socially acceptable is why so many former alcoholics try to "moderate". I'm pretty sure if Coke was legal, former addicts wouldn't say "I bet I could just have a couple lines tonight"...then none tomorrow, etc. It should be no different for a former alcoholic to understand they can't just have a "few".

My alcoholism hasn't gone anywhere in the past year without drinking. Soon as I pick up, it would all come back. Their would be no moderation, just me getting black out hammered around the clock, fighting withdrawal, and going back to the same live I'm glad I've left behind.

I wish you the best of luck.

SarahB60

I tried to control my drinking many times, by using the measuring cup and other scientific methods. I always landed back up to my baseline amount of drinking within a day or two, sometimes more. I got to the point where I had to accept I was an alcoholic. period. I could not control my drinking. As a matter of fact, the need to drink escalated at a fast clip. Freaked me out. So here I am.

There's no way I'm going back to the raging blood pressure, racing heart, anxiety, heart palps, and feelings of doom and out of control

Alcohol is big, fat liar disguised in a classy looking wine bottle.

OklaBH

Hi and congrats on your sober time! My last relapse I thought I had become a moderator. I think there were 2 nights where I had a couple and went to bed. I lied to myself by not admitting that the entire next day I couldnt get it out of my mind. I was on cloud 9 thinking I had finally "learned" how to control it. I was still nfulfilled by only having 2. They drove me nuts even though I didnt want to admit it. SICK! No normal person has a couple drinks and then thinks about it the whole next day. I even thought that I had matured and outgrown my illness. I wont bore you with what happened or how it turned out...but it wasnt pretty. It very quickly escalated. I had returned but worse.

Im glad you stopped and that you posted this. Please please dont go back!

MelindaFlowers

This is a great place for support and welcome. I've been sober about six months and I was really tempted to drink two nights over Christmas. But, there really is no controlled drinking here. It would have resulted in a massive hangover (5days) and it would have restarted my whole PAWS process.

I've taken all I can from alcohol. It has nothing more to offer me.

I also had to accept that I really only drank to check out. I didn't dance or party when I drank. I just wanted to be numb. I drank to get drunk. So if I drank again, even once it would be to get drunk and then I'd have to deal with the aftermath. No thank you.

Btw, I could relate to all the things you mentioned except drinking on the job. Drinking to stave off withdrawal is hell. You have six months. Isn't life way better sober? Keep up the good work!

Hevyn

Welcome Timmy! We're glad you're here.

I also quit for a time (3 years) - and then thought I might become a social drinker. I used every bit of willpower I could summon - but I crashed & burned quickly. It took me years to get back on track, and I ended up with my first DUI - ruined relationships - financial troubles. Each time I picked up, unpredictable & dangerous things happened. It was so much safer and saner to just stop. I'm glad you wanted to talk things over.

Timmy1028

Thanks all! Obviously I am here because I put the bottle down for a while. had another taste of the forbidden fruit and have contemplated attempting "controlled drinking".

I like what OklaBA said about no normal person having a couple drinks and thinking about it the whole next day. I've been "thinking about it" for days. Yep - not normal.

I needed this. In six months I've cone so far emotionally, professionally and physically. The transformation to my "old self" is astonishing. People around me notice too - I have not taken myself out of social environments, just done it sans booze. Like I said, getting in shape has been my excuse. Hell, I am even starting to find interest and enjoyment in things again while sober.

You know - yes, I had three beers, no problem. You know what though, now I have that little red guy on my shoulder whispering, "hey - you had three beers, no big deal. You are in control."

That is what worries me. ��

Hawks

Yep, that's what happened to me exactly.

It is insane thinking, but that's alcoholic thinking.

I'm tipping you learn from any other mistakes right?

Lie out in the sun too long, get burnt..... Well I won't do that again.

I used to be a "tailgater " in traffic (years ago) but one time I didn't slow down in time and smashed into the car in front.

I have not tailgated another car in twenty or more years..... Happened once, learnt my lesson.

But somehow, when it comes to booze, no matter how many times it bit me on the ass, I never learnt and I always forgave it. It'll be different this time.

No more, I have given up the insanity.

Mark1014

I really appreciate your post and all the responses Timmy. Reaffirms what I already know about myself...but it never hurts to firm up my foundation. Way to think it through!

doggonecarl

Controlled drinking? If you have to control it, it's already out of control.

GnikNus

I don't think that anyone who has wound up on this forum could have any control over what has very likely already controlled them. I think we aren't among the majority who can take or leave drinking- it's an all or nothing deal, and the "all" leads to ruin.

We're learning to live without alcohol, and that's the main issue. Thoughts of "moderation" or "controlled drinking" is a pipe dream for us. People who can drink moderately- like my wife, for instance-can have that two glasses of wine and not think about it. If I were to have two glasses of wine, I'd damn well be thinking about it- and then thinking of I could get more and keep it going... Ad infinitum.
Moderation is a gamble at best, and more realistically an impossibility.

Timmy1028

Thanks all for your input. It's helped, really. Glad I came here. In my world I don't have anyone who I can talk to who really understands. My family is supportive (wife knows my efforts, daughter of 13 not so much, but she overhears my wife and I talk and is more perceptive than you think), but they don't have the experience to really understand.

I have way too much to lose by going backward! Blessings!

LexieCat

This is EXACTLY why it would be so dangerous for me to pick up a drink. Even at the end of my drinking, six years ago, I could exercise "control" for discrete periods of time. Matter of fact, I kept the drinking on a "short leash" for about three months as an important work project loomed. The day the project was concluded, I had my usual boomerang effect, and drank myself stupid for over a week until I finally realized I couldn't do this anymore.

So if I were to pick up a drink today, I think it would look a lot like what happened with you. No big dramatic blowout, a few civilized drinks, but within a matter of days or weeks I'd be right back where I started, if not worse.

When the train blows its whistle it isn't warning you about the caboose.

Timmy1028

Those wondering - ever see the movie "Smashed"? That woman was me minus the crack smoking experience and the enabling significant other.

Saw that movie last summer, drinking had been escalating, had some health issues developing, that movie made me be honest with myself.

The party was over. It had to be. Not that a new party wasn't going to start - a different kind of one, but that one was over. ��