readerbaby71

I sometimes think I get too confident when it comes to sobriety. This morning I had some ****** things happen that made me really angry. They are things that I can't control. Anger and stress are huge triggers for me. They make me want to drink. You know when you're so frustrated and pissed off you just want to cry? Scream? Instead I sat in my car and did deep breathing for almost 15 minutes.

I calmed down a bit but I still wanted to drink. Like now. Immediately go to the liquor store and buy some good champagne (it is New Year's after all), and like five bottles of wine. Just to make sure I'm stocked up. I fantasized the whole way home.

Tonight I have plans to go to a New Year's celebration at the Buddhist center I belong to. I have made food for the potluck and have been looking forward to spending my evening in a positive, peaceful environment. I want to set my intention for the upcoming year to be the best person I can be for myself and those around me.

Then this horrible thinking hits me like a ton of bricks. "f-it, it's New Years. Enjoy yourself. Numb out. You deserve it." I've been pretty deep into this recovery thing long before I joined SR. I know the drill. I know what to do to help myself.

So when I got home I threw myself into making deviled eggs for tonight's party. There's gonna be a large crew so the more food the better, right? For some reason cooking really does help calm me and allows me to focus my attention elsewhere. I feel better. I wish I could say 100% better but I'm at about 70%, which isn't bad considering the fact that I almost completely lost my resolve this morning.

Stay vigilant. No matter how long you've been in recovery triggers and cravings happen. Think it through. Like the worst case scenario of what could happen if you drink and how you will feel tomorrow. Sometimes that's the only thing that stops me. My dogs too. They need someone to care for them, not a passed out pathetic drunk that probably wouldn't even make it till midnight anyway.

I am so sorry if this post is too negative or triggering for anyone. I just had to get it out. Thank you for listening if you've made it this far. I will not drink today. That is not the kind of life I wish to live. Sometimes it is a struggle but I know I will wake up tomorrow so grateful that I stayed strong.

I love you all and wish you a New Year filled with peace, love and joy.

xoxoxo

Turtle82

Did I read that right? You were just fantasizing about buying the wine? If so, you're doing great not making it a real deal. Also great idea to bring in the New Year surrounded by those into Peace which is the kind of day you want and how you want your future year to be. You didn't say what ticked you off but I sure get it. Anger was my trigger too (not to drink but to get pulled out of serenity) and if I grabbed that bit, unraveling it all the way to its source, it was always some sort of fear so I tackled that to get rid of the anger. Worked for me. God bless, Happy New Year and take care.

brynn

Oh reader! It's not negative, it's positive and encouraging! thank you for sharing!!

I needed that reminder to stay vigilant today...as in right now.

I'm really glad you played the tape through and chose to stay sober. And I really hope the things that set you off in the first place get resolved quickly.

Sending some grateful hugs your way!

IOAA2

"The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves."
― Pema Chödrön


BE WELL

Soberwolf

You stayed sober readerbaby hugs

Aellyce

Hi readerbaby -- absolutely not negative or triggering for me, much the opposite. Your post is honest, real, and inspiring to me and I think you've been handling all this super well, projecting your frustration the "right way", i.e. making deviled eggs (I had no idea what those were so I learned something ), posting here, and sticking with your original plan for tonight. We all get frustrated at times and yes, agreed, those cravings can hit even after considerable sober time and thinking they are probably gone forever... it's annoying. I just had one of these moments as well this morning, although my trigger was different: a wonderful conversation with my father on the phone (I just spent a week with him together last week)... which induced some crying spells (I have a real hard time dealing with potentially losing him no matter what I try) and then I was angry with myself for this. Let's not beat ourselves up for being human, OK?

This is wonderful. I'm actually very happy that I've read your post before heading out (I was just nearly out of the door...), I know this will help me keep vigilant tonight as I'm also going out and not every bit of my program will be entirely "booze-safe" in terms of what will be around me. It'll be fine though, I'm good with taking a little risk now.

Hope you can calm down a little as the evening progresses and again, thanks for this post! Happy New Year!

Dee74

I think your evening sounds awesome RB - forget about those negative thoughts - you dispelled them and they're already breaking up in the ether

Happy New Year!

D

readerbaby71

Thanks for sharing your story, haennie. It's tough when those negative feelings hit like a freight train, but I made it through and had a good time.

We were home from the potluck by 8:30 and watched "Sharknado 2" on Netflix. It was hilariously bad and nice to have a few laughs. I hope you had a good night as well. I'm still not in the greatest mood today but at least I'm just naturally feeling bitchy and NOT hungover.

Thank you all for your support. I am so grateful for my SR friends.

DoubleDragons

Readerbaby, I felt more temptation to drink this Christmas/NYE than I expected to, especially since this is my second time at the sober holiday rodeo. I have been in an absolute frenzy today, putting away anything and everything that is holiday related. I am really looking forward to next week, when everyone gets back to "normal" life and people get desperate to lead healthier lifestyles. The Christmas crazies that most people seem to get simmer down, too, in January. So, I think we were in crescendo temptation time and then the tide goes way out.

Jacksycat

I wanted to cry reading your post readerbaby. I absolutely hate triggers and urges and wish they'd go away for good! Mine are also fueled by anger or anxiety. I had a particularly rough urge filled day today. But I played the tape to the end and realized my anxiety levels today would not even be close to the intense anxiety Id feel tomorrow. We have to hang in there today and remember that tomorrow is another day.