WillLess

Seems like no matter what, it's not going to end. I just repeat and repeat, it's like ground hogs day but not nearly as funny. I feel like just giving up, and accepting it'll just be like this forever...

Spacegoat

Hey man I've been there.

Mayebe you need to distance yourself from what is causing you trouble, take the time to decide what you want from life and go from there. It's hard I know

OklaBH

Good morning! Guess it was a bad night huh? It really doesnt have to be like this for you. The solution is simple..but complicated. The only thing complicating it is how you handle your disease. I relapsed too many times to count. Each one was worse than the other. I shudder thinking about how close I was to permanent damage. I was like you. "Oh well, guess it will just be like this forever" No way. I refused to give up. Deep down I knew i wanted to have a happy, content, healthy, non-humiliating, life. Bad days? Yeah, but nothing compared to the walk of shame I did every single morning after a night of drinking.

Its gone on to long. You will have to make some moves. See your doctor, find some meetings to attend. Dump out all the alcohol in the house. The first few weeks are weird and made me anxious. But it gets so much better. Please give it a real try.

WillLess

I keep trying, but nothing sticks. I have all this resolve after I drink, when I'm hungover and ashamed, soon as I feel better it starts to slowly slip away and then I walk that same sad road again. Definition of in sanity ey? I just don't get it. Why can't I stop, why do I do the same things over and over and over, why does it have to be so hard. It seems so easy for other people. Why can't I be like them. The guilt today is bad, the self hatred, the depression, God I hate feeling like this. But I do it to myself... no one to blame, it would be so much easy if I could blame someone. My dad, my genetics, something aside from my simple inability to not drink. I hate myself. Let me wallow in the stew of crap I cooked up, all I had to do was not drink. That's it. Just not drink, how can that be so incredibly hard to do. I don't get it, it doesn't make sense.

SoberLeigh

You, try, because deep down inside you know what we already know. You are worth it; you deserve a happy and fulfilling life.

Have you put a plan in place?

WillLess

I have no plan. I don't even know where to begin a plan. My plan is always to just not drink. It doesn't ever work out.

WillLess

I don't even know where to start.

SoberLeigh

Have you made your home an alcohol-free zone? Have you identified your triggers and thought about how you can change your response to the triggers and how to avoid them.

Maybe, start by writing down a list of your triggers.

If you read around the site, you will find links to methods and techniques you can utilize to achieve and maintain sobriety.

Have you considered AA or other face to face support such as counseling?

WillLess

I don't normally keep alcohol in the house but have some now left over from Christmas eve. I don't know what my exact triggers are, seems like anything and everything. I think I need some type of counseling but I don't know how to bring the subject up to my wife. She doesn't know the extent of my faults and I fear telling her the truth. I think I need to give aa another try. Maybe that would help. I just feel so overwhelmed.

SoberLeigh

I hope you can make your wife part of your support system. It is likely that she knows more than you think.

Getting back to AA sounds great.

anattaboy

You're not so different Will. For all of us the pull was immense but our will to be sober won...sometimes eventually. Me? I drank myself to submission. Nobody has to go low. Alcoholism is easily diagnosed and always progressive so there is no need to go any further. Best wishes on giving up the high cost of low living.

SoberLeigh

"the high cost of low living" - so true.

Dee74

Hi will

I've been there thinking I can never change...but when I look back the amount of work I actually did to change was pretty miniscule.

I'm not trying to kick you when you're down at all, but I think if you fearlessly and honestly wrote down all you've done for your recovery there'd probably be room for improvement yeah?

Fight this like it's life or death because, basically, it is.

Be prepared to change anything and everything - if you're up for that you'll be amazed at where you'll be in 3 months, let alone 6, or a year

I have never met a hopeless case yet - I very much doubt you are #1

D

Nevertheless

Most of us don't really make this the number one priority when we start out.
I did the first few days. But just like you. Once I started feeling better I quickly forgot whatever it was that made me want to quit. When the addiction comes knocking on the door,we say what the hell. One more time won't kill me. I'll quit next time.
You said earlier,you havn't told your wife. If you had cancer,would you hide it from her? I doubt it.
I am not bashing you. We all go about it this way. For some reason,we just don't want others to know that we can't control this. But if your like I was. I was only hiding the fact I had a problem. Anyone that knew me was well aware that bringing it up would only make me drink more. So it was pretty much an elephant in the room that most ignored.
You said it seems so easy for other people. BALONEY
Quitting was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. But it was also one of the most worth while.
I was a 5 oclock drunk. Meaning once I got off work,the beer store was the next stop. It was probably about 4 months after i quit that I walked into the convenience store after work,and got most of the way home. And realized I had walked past the cold beer,and bought a bottle of pop and a bag of chips without giving BEER a thought.
There is only one word to describe that. FREEDOM And that is why you need to do this.
In order to quit I had to treat this like a disease that was going to kill me (which it was/is) . The first 3 months are intense,and sacrifices have to be made. But if I can do it,anyone can. It just has to be lifes number one priority for a while. And doing it alone probably isn't gonna work.
I myself went to AA. And just being around other people in the same boat helped a lot. You said you might give AA another try.
If you treat it like you had cancer,and going to a few meetings a week would cure it........Well,you get the idea
I wish you the best....... Fred

midnightapt

When I realized I was helpless in the face of alcohol, it was a breakthrough for me. I realized that I had no choice but to quit drinking, unless I wanted to continue the cycle of depression, disappointment and embarrassment. Maybe you can look at this moment as an opportunity. There will never be a better time to quit.

Sudz No More

For me it was feeling accountable to a professional that helped me break the cycle. You have to want it more than you want to drink. White knuckling is also not the answer, actively fighting it only brings all your impulses to to the front of your brain. You need to shut it off, not think about it and move beyond each and every impulse with irreverence.

Manage to keep the cravings and mental impulses away for at least 6 months and you should start to get beyond the worst of the psychological ailments most of us experience.

The only things that are going to get you where you want to go are time and abstinence. Soon after, you'll wonder what all the fuss was about.

doggonecarl

There you go. Now you know what not to do, and that's trying to do this on your own. Time maybe to accept help. Give the fellowship of AA and the 12-steps a try. A lot of folks don't like them. OK. But at least they have a tried and true method and the folks who can take you through them.

There's other methods too...BUT YOU HAVE TO WORK THEM! Sorry, didn't mean to yell, but we don't seem to be getting through to you.

fini

Recovery by Choice Workbook - LifeRing

Will,

i have that book and it is an excellent resource for helping with figuring out how to go about it. help with identifying triggers. how to deal with them. figuring out where your vulnerabilities are, and how to work with that. the entire book is an exploration of the stuff that comes from "but i don't even know how to start".
if you go to the link, you'll also see links to a couple of sample questions.

JanieJ

Some really good advice above for you.

It's not easy for anyone. But it's worth it.

You're no different to the rest of us here, Will.

Do some research and make a plan, my friend. There's no better time to begin than right now.

leviathan

finally admitting to my spouse that i knew i had a problem and was thinking about doing something about it was one of the most important first steps for me. she was relieved and on my side. as soberleigh posted, she prob knows quite a bit. i had been attempting to hide my worries, and she was doing the same out of fear of making me worse.

-so coming out with the issue took a weight off and put us in problem solving mode.

is rehab an option? outpatient was great for me.