Hot Dang: first Christmas is Hard!
 

Hey,

A week ago I was typing on here about how the holidays are no more challenging than any other time of year, all confident in myself with my six month experience.

Hot damn that ADDICTIVE Voice is sneaky. I didn't even realize I had one until last night and tonight. If yours hasn't introduced itself yet, watch out. All I can say is daaaang. It truly is in a different category of physiology/psychology/emotionality or whatever fancy word you can put in there.

I did not drink but I will say one more time: daaaaang!

It's not in the same universe as the I want candy but I won't have candy. I guess I've had my own little spiritual awakening here. I think for the first time I fully realize what addiction is. I get it.

In June, I was diagnosed with an inflamed liver, enzymes through the roof, shaky hands, daily withdrawals, spiritual bankruptcy. I believed, very objectively, that I was near to or at least not far from death. I had my first "awakening" and stopped that day. I was someone who could not get a DAY ONE. I couldn't even cut back to six days a week. In June I stopped and because of my "awakening" it wasn't even that difficult. I internalized, and accepted, that at 32, after eight years of heavy daily drinking and daily hangovers that I was done. And I am done.

So anyways, back to yesterday and today. I had two very monumental events in the past two days. First, I believe that my obvious PAWS symptoms that lingered since June have ended. I feel as healthy and great as a 32 year old that has never had a drink in my life. Amen. The work has paid off. I have been waiting for this day for six months.

And on to the second event. My best friend since childhood is visiting from out of town. About 6 pm, out of nowhere, I paused, looked at the clock, and my addictive voice (which I didn't knew I had YET) said melinda, it's 6:00. The liquor store closes in an hour. Your BFF is here. It's Christmas.....come on and for about 13 minutes I just could not shake the feeling.
I did not go of course. My friend doesn't even drink! I surfed the urge, first time I really have had to do this.

We had a great evening watching movies and I woke up feeling great. But then tonight at five pm I found myself feeling antsy around 5 pm, knowing that it's Xmas eve and the liquor stores were closing in an hour. What the hell? Where did this come from? Weeeeeeird.

Didn't go. Didn't drink. No hangover tomorrow!

I had a monumental realization tonight: when you stop drinking as a serious alcoholic, you're not just stopping buying or swallowing it. It's a total mind-f###, pardon my language. It changes so very much about the way you think about so many things. The AV part of me thought two things. 1. Tonight with BFF would be so much more fun drunk. 2. Tonight will be boring without drinking. I REPEAT: that was my av. Not Melinda thinking that. It was very bizarre. Part of me wanted to drink the last two nights in exchange for five days hangovers, a ruined Christmas Day, almost guaranteed blackout, you know the story.

This is all so strange to me. I guess I just wanted to share my thoughts. I am humbled by this experience. I also have a new appreciation for addiction. This is one one scary MOFO. But, thank god for you wonderful people who have way more time than me for showing me that we can get through Christmas Eve, no problem.

I will be stronger after the past two days. What an adventure this is!

This was a very helpful and honest post--thank you.

I also had a relatively "easy" time quitting and staying quit, but a month or so ago
my AV started in on me about doing some wine tasting again--I live right on a wine trail
so I drive by temptation every day.

Until last month I easily ignored the "lifestyle" I have chosen to remove from my own life, but I did have to do some "urge surfing" myself in the past few weeks.
I really didn't even want to "own" I was craving but I finally did and just admitting it to myself helped quite a lot.

Like you, it has been a bit humbling and reminded me that sobriety is a gift which cannot be complacently enjoyed.
It requires active renewal, or at least it does for me.

Happy Holidays Melinda!

Oh honey I know! I was thinking yesterday...hmmmmm.....wouldnt a drink be nice? Oh hell no....I want to see next Christmas. We can do this!

Daaang, Melinda - great post.

Our AVs are such liars. It's great that recognize him for exactly what he is.

Thanks for taking the time to post this.

Proud to be on this journey with you.

If you think about this like a grieving process it is the years of first. You made it past the first night, Saturday, week, month and you will make it through the first Christmas. That mind **** thing made me laugh. I was just thinking how sometimes my brain feels like it is at a taffy pull. It is all good Melinda.

I almost gave in right at the 6 month mark. I have no idea why.
I had pulled into the liquor store parking lot and opened the car door and had one foot on the ground,when I said "wait a minute". I went to an AA meeting the next day,and felt better. But I had a period of 2 or 3 days that I really considered losing it.
It was like the addiction giving one last big fight. I havn't had any close calls,or battles like that since. I'm approaching 6 years.
Hang in there,the monster WILL go away.

Fred

Good job, Melinda!

I'm with you on this melinda!! I'm sitting with my family who are enjoying glasses of prosecco and every second feels like torture. For some reason today feels a lot harder than most.

Dinner is soon! That should warden off the pangs.

Wishing you well.

L x

I can so relate to your post Melinda and I wanted to thank you! I am so happy the PAWS has gone away for you. Merry Christmas!

way to go MF - Merry Christmas,

I feel the same thing. After 12 months one would think it's not an issue any more. But it is. I don't know how many times this week I thought of just saying heck with it and have a drink. One day I could actually taste that bourbon - it took a few minutes to get the taste out of my mouth - strange really.
Stay strong. The AV never gives up. As long as we recognize it for what it is, we get stronger every time.

awesome job! and great post =)

Congratulations! What you did takes a lot of strength and courage. I'm happy for you :D

The hardest times for me are holidays, from the 4th, to Thanksgiving, to the last two weeks of December. I just struggle with 'why me' and why not and my AV is very loud. I really remember the relief I felt on Jan 1st last year, and I'm waiting for it again this year! Next year I want to figure out how to go away or do something that helps improve this time of year, but for now I'm just riding it out. Great post, stay strong!! Merry Xmas!

Very proud of you Melinda :)

D

You know Melinda, drinking for us is far more than just a warm fuzzy feeling. Its called alcoholism. And its suicide for us to consume alcohol. Thats it. Its that simple. Controlled drinking is an illusion for us. Im really happy for you. In my opinion, you used pure logic not to drink. For myself, thats one the greatest tool I have beating this dreadful disease. The other is prayer. Merry Christmas Melinda.

Well handled Melinda.

Yep, it's a mutt of a thing this alcoholism business.

Those insane thoughts can pop out of nowhere and bite me on the ass.

Glad I react very differently to them these days.

I used to buy that crap again and again and again... At the drop of a hat.

Take care :)

I want to echo: Daaannnngggg

Perfect post in so many ways. Thank you. As Leigh said, I'm honored to be here with you.

Amazing post Melinda, and it certainly struck a chord with me. You were able to get through the AV attack (I especially liked the bit where you revealed your friend doesn't drink!), and every time you do that it makes you stronger.

AV can ambush you late and unexpectedly.

To mirror the replies above that was a great post Melinda. You have done unbelievably well to get to where you are. You are one of the posters I look up to. Please learn from this that your AV is there and it is not going away. You see, you have been so driven and focused on this that the beast knew better than to pick a fight with you these past months but it has been there all along, lurking and biding it's time. Waiting for a moment of complacency on your part. It had a little pop at you which you were equipped to handle and in doing so blew it's cover. Be careful Melinda and put yourself back in your shoes last June. You are never going back there, right?

Good job. It's helps knowing others are making it!