it's a fairytales !!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 3,293
Originally Posted by sugarbear1 
if you get up the nerve, let people know you'd like company after a meeting....ask and you may get results (even recovering alkies can be misunderstood)
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,359
Originally Posted by 2muchpain
Going to a meeting right now or posting more on SR might not be a good idea right now.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,872
I think that many people have been feeling edgy and fragile today and over the past few weeks with family triggers, loneliness and holiday stress.
If you want to talk about it, we're listening, John.
If you want to talk about it, we're listening, John.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Hi John.
It took me a long time and too much heartache to appreciate that I was effectively and reliably pushing people away from me, especially when I needed them most. The amount of meaningful relationships I'd aborted in my life was itself startling, but only in retrospect, in part because I traded emotional closeness for security. I did this pushing away thing as a rule when I was drinking, but also while I was sober.
I don't know how they do it, but there are or have been people here who've either stated or suggested that they're happier without others in their lives (supportive and otherwise), that they don't like or even hate people, or that they generally avoid contact with people for a number of reasons (rationalizations), but that isn't me, and I don't believe this is you either.
I still carry expectations. When I treat people with warmth and respect, I expect something roughly equivalent in return. Not because I'm such a great guy or because I'm particularly deserving, but because that's what's happened so many times since I've been sober. I've learned to check myself out when a potential attachment or a particular interpersonal exchange doesn't work out the way I'd hoped it would, but I also don't allow myself to ruminate over other people's flaws in the aftermath.
You've reached out here, and you've gotten some support. A porcupine is a cute, perhaps adorable creature. When you get too close, you risk getting hurt, since it's natural for a porcupine to defend itself against strangers. But then, the porcupine also never experiences the warmth and support of others, so focused is it on protecting itself and avoiding pain or its own version of disappointment.
That's the sum and substance of what my therapist told me when I first got sober about a hundred years ago.
Your fears around leaving yourself vulnerable or unguarded are understandable, but I wonder what price it is that you pay for being so protective of your feelings, also thrown in sharper belief by your decision not to go to a meeting tonight because of the risk of your crying. You deny yourself the help and support you need, and at the same time deprive others of the pleasure of helping you
When I don't present myself as someone in need of help, no one comes running to help me. They're too busy supporting people who've asked for help.
Edit: I'll add that placing recovery stories in the realm of "fairy tales" makes your own satisfying recovery seem unattainable, reserved only for those who are blessed with a special kind of enchantment. I've achieved meaningful sobriety without the benefit of a magic wand, talking frogs or a mirror with magical powers. The most important component for me was asking for help.
Reaching out for help is a huge personal milestone, and seems particularly powerful (necessary) for those of us with addictions. Nothing could be more painful than not asking for the help and support we need.
It took me a long time and too much heartache to appreciate that I was effectively and reliably pushing people away from me, especially when I needed them most. The amount of meaningful relationships I'd aborted in my life was itself startling, but only in retrospect, in part because I traded emotional closeness for security. I did this pushing away thing as a rule when I was drinking, but also while I was sober.
I don't know how they do it, but there are or have been people here who've either stated or suggested that they're happier without others in their lives (supportive and otherwise), that they don't like or even hate people, or that they generally avoid contact with people for a number of reasons (rationalizations), but that isn't me, and I don't believe this is you either.
I still carry expectations. When I treat people with warmth and respect, I expect something roughly equivalent in return. Not because I'm such a great guy or because I'm particularly deserving, but because that's what's happened so many times since I've been sober. I've learned to check myself out when a potential attachment or a particular interpersonal exchange doesn't work out the way I'd hoped it would, but I also don't allow myself to ruminate over other people's flaws in the aftermath.
You've reached out here, and you've gotten some support. A porcupine is a cute, perhaps adorable creature. When you get too close, you risk getting hurt, since it's natural for a porcupine to defend itself against strangers. But then, the porcupine also never experiences the warmth and support of others, so focused is it on protecting itself and avoiding pain or its own version of disappointment.
That's the sum and substance of what my therapist told me when I first got sober about a hundred years ago.
Your fears around leaving yourself vulnerable or unguarded are understandable, but I wonder what price it is that you pay for being so protective of your feelings, also thrown in sharper belief by your decision not to go to a meeting tonight because of the risk of your crying. You deny yourself the help and support you need, and at the same time deprive others of the pleasure of helping you
When I don't present myself as someone in need of help, no one comes running to help me. They're too busy supporting people who've asked for help.
Edit: I'll add that placing recovery stories in the realm of "fairy tales" makes your own satisfying recovery seem unattainable, reserved only for those who are blessed with a special kind of enchantment. I've achieved meaningful sobriety without the benefit of a magic wand, talking frogs or a mirror with magical powers. The most important component for me was asking for help.
Reaching out for help is a huge personal milestone, and seems particularly powerful (necessary) for those of us with addictions. Nothing could be more painful than not asking for the help and support we need.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by SoberJennie
... I found the worst shares to be the ones where every other statement was a parroting of the slogans. Just made the speaker seem generic, inauthentic, and silly.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by 2muchpain
I just got back from an AA meeting. People there were sharing their stories of how AA has helped them. They shared warm, fuzzy stories of how people in AA helped them when they were down and out. How, FROM DAY 1, people would walk up to them to say hi and invite them out after the meeting. How when they were in the hospital and people from AA, even people they did not know would come to visit them. Another person said how grateful he was that he met people in AA and were not just being nice because they wanted something.
Great stories and I'm sure there true, but I kept thinking during the meeting that these stories reminded me of something, but just couldn't figure out what it was. Then it dawned on me. It reminded me of a fairtale or a bedtime story my mother would read to me where the story would start with someone having a problem, but everything worked out in the end. Kinda like how Ebenezer (sp?) Scrooge found the real meaning of Christmas, or how Cinderella found her prince charming.
Unfortunately, I don't believe in fairytales anymore. I think I'll skip the meeting tomorrow. John
Great stories and I'm sure there true, but I kept thinking during the meeting that these stories reminded me of something, but just couldn't figure out what it was. Then it dawned on me. It reminded me of a fairtale or a bedtime story my mother would read to me where the story would start with someone having a problem, but everything worked out in the end. Kinda like how Ebenezer (sp?) Scrooge found the real meaning of Christmas, or how Cinderella found her prince charming.
Unfortunately, I don't believe in fairytales anymore. I think I'll skip the meeting tomorrow. John
Was that the topic for the day? It's the holiday season after all.
Anyway, speaking of fairytales I went to a meeting a few years back where everyone was talking about how things unexplainably just turned out right.
Like the gal who was short her rent again and about to be evicted but then out of the blue came into some money for roughly the amount due. Or the guy who lost his job and then miraculously got a better one a few days later.
However, I personality find life a bit more harsh and tend to go with the saying, "God helps those who help themselves."
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
To me there is nothing more AA than one alcoholic reaching out to another. Almost all fairytales have some underlying lesson and the ones you heard are the things that keep me sober
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 3,293
Thanks guys for checking in on me. I'm doing fine, much better than yesterday. I was just in a really strange mood. It might of not sounded like it, but I AM very grateful for everything I have, and no there are many people in much worse shape than me. I guess going to an AA meeting where everybody is talking about getting together with friends and family and how helpful people in AA have been for them just put me over the edge.
Been getting a lot of little reminders of my mother the past few weeks, music she loved, movies, etc., so maybe that was part of it. She passed away December 27th several years ago. Maybe that was part of it, don't know. Thought I was over it, maybe not.
Anyway, I stayed home today, slept in than decided to paint my apartment. It really needed it. Almost looks like new!!
Hope everyone is having a fantastic Xmas and that Santa was good to everybody. John
Been getting a lot of little reminders of my mother the past few weeks, music she loved, movies, etc., so maybe that was part of it. She passed away December 27th several years ago. Maybe that was part of it, don't know. Thought I was over it, maybe not.
Anyway, I stayed home today, slept in than decided to paint my apartment. It really needed it. Almost looks like new!!
Hope everyone is having a fantastic Xmas and that Santa was good to everybody. John
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
John, glad you're feeling better today! In sobriety we do have our ups and downs, it's normal. Do take a look around your next meeting and see if someone needs welcoming, if fact, you might consider taking a service position as greeter! I did it for a while. It was interesting.
Love from Lenina
Love from Lenina
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