WillLess

That's me, Mr. Failure.

I drank.

I had to run some errands, one of which was directly next to one of my favorite tap houses. I saw one of the guys who works there standing outside having a smoke and I walked up to him and we started chatting. He inevitably finished his cig and asked if I was coming inside...I could have said no, could have made some excuse about having to get home, but no, sure, sure is what came out of my mouth. I sat at the bar, ordered a pint of some thick dark ale, and sat there. I sat there it front of it for probably 5 or 6 minutes, just kind of looking around, looking at it. I still could have gotten up, I even thought about it, then I crumbled. I put it to my lips, and sucked down half the pint in one sip the rest with another. By then it was too late. Truly one was too many. I felt the small buzz, the taste, that was the end.

I drank 5 pints and then someone gave me a 10mg perc, something I would normally not take, but once that doorway is open, I just stop caring and thinking, about anything.

The 5 pints is not much compared to what I normally would drink, but still 5 too many. I don't really feel hung over, just so disappointed in myself. I had 5 days. Almost a week. Now I have nothing. Back to 0. Again. That's how a feel, like a big zero. I can't control anything. I'm an embarrassment to myself.

I was complaining about my sleep pattern yesterday, what a joke, that was glorious rest compared to the sleepless tossing, and turning and guilt ridden "rest" I got last night.

Why do I do this to myself...

24hrsAday

Get back up.. and start again WillLess.. one day at a time. you can do it!

BernieE

Pick yourself up and start again! Don't be so hard on yourself, you're trying, each slip reveals a trigger to avoid in the future. I suggest putting as much effort into a plan as you are putting into berating yourself. And next time, play it all through. Downing some pints at your used to be favorite tap house doesn't have a happy ending.

Fly N Buy

Did that for many years! You are not a loser, and not alone!

Change is the key.......Try again until it sticks

Peace
FlyN

Nonsensical

Fixed your post. There isn't a single failure posting on this forum. Not one. We are all either succeeding or learning how. The failures don't bother showing up. They gave up on themselves. You're here, so you haven't given up.

So...what did you learn?

0percentABV

"Play it all through." Indeed. Don't think of how you will feel now, think about how you will feel when it's all over with. We've all been there. I remember thinking I would never make it either. Temptation always won. The good feeling NOW and thoughts of "just tonight, tomorrow I will quit" always repeated until the stress of living like that got too strong to handle and the control was getting harder and harder to maintain. Like you said, you popped a perc. Your control is slipping. You're stressing yourself out. Abstaining from inebriation is going to be hard. Sobriety is a strange thing from where you're sitting. It seems like such a daunting task. Like you'll be struggling all the time and wondering how you will get through all the life moments that you've gotten through before with the aid of alcohol. But let me tell you and I'm sure all of us who've gotten some time under their belt can attest, it gets better the longer you abstain. I look back at those days, the days you are in right now, and I wonder why I fought it so hard. Why didn't I just stop years before when I knew that I had a problem? Well, I'm an alcoholic and life with alcohol was all I knew. It was all around me. You speak of tap houses well I was a craft beer junkie. I was part of the scene. Do a search of Craft Beer Alcoholic on here and you can read my story if you wish. But not only was alcohol my crutch it was my lifestyle. But every alcoholic has booze as their lifestyle. Not only do you have to separate yourself from the bottle you have to separate yourself from the life. Talking to a buddy in front of a tap house? Not a good idea. I have 4 bars close to my work that I stopped at all the time. When I finally stopped I took alternate roads home. I went out of my way to avoid them. I stayed away from everything. You need to change it up.

You can do this. The more you slip the more you will understand that it is over. I know you know it is, but you still need to understand that is. Maybe today is the day?

Alwyshope12

Don't give up. You have to learn to know what your triggers are and avoid them.

I completely changed my routine, avoided places I would normally drink, found new activities and cleared all the alcohol out of my house.

dsmaxis10

I know how you feel cause I do the same thing too 2 weeks here a month there then relapse. I stayed sober 4 years once in AA the last two years I have been relapsing. Need to find a recovery path that I"d do one day at a time

doggonecarl

Addiction. And it needs to be treated accordingly.

If you have a recovery plan, it's time to bolster it. If you don't have a plan, time to create one and put it to use.

thisisme

Failure is the basis of success.

TroubledJoe

You're not a failure. Learn from it.

Next time someone asks you if you're having a drink, use this memory to help stop you from saying yes.

Nonsensical

One thing I learned from my innumerable drink-after-quitting sprees is that the decision would have been made before the car was even parked. I would have done all my other errands first, then did the one next to the brew pub last. Why would I do that?

I park the car and then, Oh, look, I know that guy in front of the brew pub. It would be rude not to go say hello. What, come inside? Sure. Sure. (I have no place else to be, I've done all my other errands. How convenient!)

The next day I'd wonder how that drunk happened to me. I'd have to explain it to the wife, but it wasn't really my fault...it just sort of happened...I was so full of deception I nearly believed my own lies. I knew I was going to drink at that brew pub as soon as I knew there was an errand to be run next to it. Nearly all of my relapses started hours (or days) before any beer hit my lips.

I have no idea what went through your head, but in order to prevent my relapses I had to learn (and come to grips with) when they really started.

WillLess

Well thanks for the kind words. It's helpful to know others struggled the same way and made the same mistakes. It's just so easy to fall back into the hole, I really felt I was getting the hang of it, I read all about the crave surfing and postponing, thought I had it under control. All it took was seeing someone I knew to crash down. It's very difficult to admit how little self control I actually have.

Nonsensical, you really struck a nerve there. When I think on it, I did exactly what you discribed, I went 3 other places before I set into that last errand, in my mind I told myself this route made the most sense, but I think I was lying to myself the whole time. I wanted to drink, I knew there was a good chance I'd see someone out there, thinking of it now, I completely set myself up for failure. The relapse started hours before. That's startling to realize, it's like someone else was in control, my rational mind hijacked. Wow. That's a scary thought.

0percentABV

I suggest to start writing a journal. Talk honestly with it so you can reflect on it down the road. I started one when I first became serious in quitting. It took me a year to actually do it but when I read about my life during that year I never want to go back there again. In downtimes I wrote about moments of my drinking life that left an impact on me. I dug down to the roots of my alcoholism and exposed them. To read me talk about how I was going to do better and then the next day talk about how I didn't, over and over, was therapeutic. Each time I learned I can't do this, I can't do that until I realized that I can't drink. Period.

So what is the game plan you currently have if you don't mind sharing?

WillLess

I guess I don't really have one. I've just been thinking I'd stop. I'd finally figure out how to control the urges, the will power to say no to myself. It's not really working out. I think the journal thing could be helpful. In just not sure I'd be able to be totally honest, I'd be too scared of the wrong person finding it and reading it. Ie. My wife. I've lied to my wife more than I'd ever care to admit about my drinking. So having her find out by finding a journal is a scary thought.

I'm really not sure what my plan is. But I need one. I can see that now. My willpower is falling short every step of the way.

TryTryAgain

Hi Will. I drank too, after a pretty decent sober stint. Someone on my thread suggested that I check out AVRT. Do you know what that is? I didn't but have started reading about it and it seems pretty cool. I am going to give it a shot.

WillLess

I've seen people mention it, and read the sticky thread about it, but still not quite sure what is or what it means. Do you have a link that explains it in a little more detail?

sugarbear1

do an internet search, avrt has it's own website

Nonsensical

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ined-long.html

TryTryAgain

Wow! Thanks for the link. That was easier to read (for me) than what is on the AVRT website. This feels like such a good fit. Thank you again.