There is hope
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 9
There is hope
Been doing a lot of thinking recently,as it says in step one of the programme admitted about our addictions and that our lives had become unmanageable, to be perfectly honest I do not think my life was ever manageable, I always felt left out for some reason, like I was invisible I was always being spoken over and not listened to, I thought my adopted parents loved my adopted brother and sister more(I was not adopted), was fantasising about my mythical biological parents turning up and taking me away, I also thought that I got punished for telling the truth,very jealous reclusive loner from a very early age, compulsive liar and complete and utter fantasist, would day dream that I would get my revenge on the ones that bullied me,so was a coward also, tried suicide at I think around 13, but after that I just became a fragile wreck, really the only solace I had was watching horror movies because that seemed to justify the fear and the knots that were in my stomach, my first addiction would have been comfort eating but even at 16 became very fat and unhappy, the weed soon started but getting stoned on top of the way I was really just made me even more of a paranoid wreck, mind you it would take me another 16 years to come to my senses, rather ashamed to say I was buzzing gas too, then alcohol came into my life, I knew straight away I was not a normal drinker, but where I am from blackouts are pretty normal and we say things like eating is cheating, so you can probably tell by now I was in full flight from reality before I even started drinking, and if I were to tell you that I felt great and accepted when I started drinking that would be a lie, just made me care a lot less, very selfish young man who had a massive chip on my shoulder, but then the drug taking started, so going from being overweight to nearly fading away caused no end of worry, I fell out with God and organised religion, don't want to go there as I do not want to cause offence, will touch on that later, alcohol was my saviour, I hated people saying things like just be yourself, how on earth can I, I have no idea who I am? I tried various things to be accepted but I seemed to try to hard and got noticed and pretty much ridiculed, truth be told I was full of hatred for myself and others very apathetic who hid behind a smile and pretended to be positive, not talking to anyone about my feelings, so went on anti depressants shrinks psychologists etc, and relationships were pretty much a car crash, not violent but I could not keep my mouth shut,I couldn't guarantee by behaviour either one word could set me off, I was a hopeless worthless piece of ****, the world was wrong and everyone was against me, could tell you numerous stories about my alcoholic performance and drugging that would make you laugh, but I was the village idiot and nobody in their right mind wanted much to do with me and this illness is no laughing matter,as far as work goes same old, I had no respect, everyone was wrong but me, the poor me's nobody cares etc, but on the 21st of June 2014 I had a moment of clarity, called the helpline and all I remember was going to my first meeting which was 22 June 2014 was a Sunday thinking my life was over(physically I could have drunk more,but was done mentally), how wrong was I? The only thing I remember was for the first time people offered me the hand of friendship and asked me to come back offered me their hand and hugs, I finally felt I belonged, I here people referring to feeling like they had arrived with alcohol, but I felt like I had finally arrived, I done what was asked, lol first time I ever think I listened,I am lucky in the sense that I had accepted pretty quickly, but I knew I had to put as much effort into this as I did with my drinking, so 6 months on I am decent loving and considerate of others I have learnt more in that short time than in the previous 36 odd years, I was never hopeless or evil I was just agnostic(not knowing) suffering from the insanity(again that alluded to simply not knowing) I had the obsession for alcohol that triggered the craving, and along with the spiritual malady, some people ask why I call the big book my bible, simply because I sense the God of my understanding which is the light and cosmic energy of positive thought that dwells within us all, and upon starting reading we agnostics and meditation it was like a light went on, I stopped looking at where the world was wrong and looked within me, in short through the grace of God as I understand him, the Fellowship and the people of the AA my sponsors, and each and everyone of you that I have encountered was my life saved? No I was reborn, I am now the person I always wanted to be , liking myself a little more every day, I am loving my life now, sorry if I have bored or offended you but I just want to point out that if this can work for a reclusive paranoid wreck like me, it can work for anyone, one day at a time, look within be honest with yourself, do not put any human being on a pedestal, I love you all and hope you have a wonderful Christmas and great 2015, and remember to tell the people in your life that you love them, because there may never be tomorrow, now is the time to make that change, I would even urge non addicts to look from steps 2 to 12, Amen/Namaste , thank you all for being here and keeping me rooted in this new life I love you all very much for being part of this incredible journey
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
